Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The Super Glue Story

It's amazing that Shea is still alive. I was living in my apartment and had the girls only half the time. I was battling with an unnamed depression and a feeling of doom. Later I find out that it was postpartum depression and anxiety attacks. This is why I am amazed that child is still around after what she did to me. She was about 3 years old when I had them at my tiny apartment for the weekend. I remember it was a Sunday and I would be sitting on my couch watching football and doing laundry. The girls would be playing with all the toys they had packed from Dad's house. I was sitting on the computer checking my email when I heard Kara say, "Ooooohhh Sheaaaaaaa. Mom's going to be SOOO mad!" I got up from my desk/dinnertable, which was a green plastic outside patio set to find Shea had found a blue Sharpie pen and had taken it to my white leather couch. Now don't go thinking it was a high priced couch. It wasn't. I got it from the neighbor who put it out for charity to take and I cleaned it all up and was happy to have something to plant my ass on in MY apartment. It was MY couch. MINE, not OURS...but MINE. I loved that couch that now looked like a large Etch a Sketch. She knew she was in trouble because she booked it for the bedroom while I took every cleaning agent I had to see if I could salvage my couch. Note: Baby wipes work on white leather to get blue Sharpie out. kind of. I decided my best bet was to throw a blanket over the mess and try not to seriously freak out and think my life was coming to an end because of this. I resumed checking my email. "SHEA!" I hear Kara yell again. "WHAT NOW? I get up to find Shea has relocated the blue Sharpie and is drawing INSIDE THE TOILET!" I pick her up, take the blue Sharpie out of her hand, open the sliding glass door and chuck it out into the parking lot. "Guess who is going to take a nap?" I ask her and she puts her head on my shoulder like an angel. "UGH!" I can't be mad when she does this. I put her in her play pen and inform Kara that I am going to take a shower and to watch her sisters. FIVE MINUTES. I didn't even shave my legs! I get out and Shea is standing in the living room pulling the blanket off couch. "Kara! Why did you get Shea out of her playpen?" I ask my then 8 year old that is playing Sega on the floor with her other sister. "I didn't." she never even looks up. I go into the bedroom and there it is. A PERFECT ROUND CIRCLE cut out of the mesh side. I'm standing there like Chandler from Friends for a whole minute looking at the hole, looking at Kara, looking at Shea and mumbling and pointing. "WHOA. Wait a second here. KARA put down the Sega and look at me." She turns around and sees Shea sitting behind her. "How did she get out of her play pen?" She asks. "THERE IS A HOLE CUT INTO THE SIDE." I try not to yell. She goes in and looks at the hole and looks at me instantly, "I swear I didn't do it!" We turn around and see Shea and Alyx standing in the doorway. "Who did this?" I can't believe I am asking a 3 and 4 year old who cut a PERFECTLY round hole into a side of a meshsided play pen. Shea pulls from her back a pair of scissors I didn't even know I had. "HOLY SHIT!" I take the scissors away from her and thank GOD and everyone else that she didn't kill herself with them. "How did you get these?" I don't know why I asked her, she couldn't even talk and the only person that could communicate with her was Alyx. Alyx. The angel. The child that does no wrong...BURSTS into tears and shamefully admits that Shea TOLD her to get her some sissors so she could get out. Shea MADE HER. "You cut that hole?" I ask Alyx. "No, Shea did." I'm still baffled by this, but i'm past the point of being able to deal with it. I turn the part with the hole towards the wall and push it up close so she can't get through it and I put Shea back in her playpen where she instantly goes looking for her escape route. "Alyx you tell your sister that she better stay in there or I am going to be SO mad!" I take off my robe and put on a pair of shorts and tank top and resume checking my mail. "SHEA!" Kara yells again. THAT IS IT...how much trouble could she have gotten into while in her play pen? She's not in her playpen. She's standing in the living room smiling like a loon with her fingers in her mouth. I stand up and the green plastic chair is stuck to my ass. I sit back down and try to stand up again. The green plastic chair comes with me. I push the arms of the chair down. Nope, it's not coming off. I sit back down and PULL myself up and hear the sound of the green plastic tearing from the seat of the chair. I touch the back of my favorite shorts and there is now a part of my chair STUCK to my shorts along with some very sticky substance that instantly hardens on my fingers. "Kara. Did you put superglue on my chair?" She would seem like the logical person to ask. "No." I look at the angel child staring up at me. "Alyx?" I almost feel like I am betraying her by asking her. "MOM!? no!" I apologize and look at Shea. "Bay?" She shakes her head no. I realize that a stunt like this can't be pulled off without some trace of evidence. I turn around see that the superglue is on the bookshelf where I left it and it's stuck to it because the lid wasn't put back on. "Show me your hands." Kara puts her hands in front of her. Nothing. Alyx puts her hands in front of her. Nothing. Shea looks at them and puts her hands out and I see that her forefinger and thumb are stuck together and all that cute hand chewing was her trying to gnaw through the glue to free her fingers. "Pack it up kids, you're going to your father's house." I kept the shorts. They are in Shea's baby box of stuff. I hope she has 3 little girls JUST like her when she's all grown up. The curse has been set into motion.

link | posted by Random and Odd at 7/19/2005 09:53:00 AM

44 Comments:

Southern Fried Girl commented at 7/19/2005 10:58:00 AM~: OH MY GOD. I would have listed her on ebay after that afternoon. That was some funny shit though.
WILLIAM commented at 7/19/2005 11:10:00 AM~: It sounds like your apartment was a regular Office Depot or Staples. I am amazed that she cut a hole into her playpen. Like Escape from Alcatraz or something. Very funny story.
Steph commented at 7/19/2005 11:19:00 AM~: Hey, nice blog! I was recommended by Girl From Ipanema. How'd you do that title you have? I asked her how she did hers and she said you created it. Any ideas?

P.S. that picture is soooooo adorable!!! I want to squeeze her!!!
madmanan commented at 7/19/2005 11:40:00 AM~: lol, sounds like a smart kid!
Pissy Britches commented at 7/19/2005 11:45:00 AM~: Sounds like a BIG HUGE bunch of Zanex moments to me.
WHOA!
Danikabur commented at 7/19/2005 11:54:00 AM~: How did she get out of the playpen the second time?
ieatcrayonz commented at 7/19/2005 12:07:00 PM~: I am doomed. My parents put the "Hex-ahana-foos*" curse on me every day of my life.

*I have no idea if my parents made this name up or if there is an actual (properly spelled) word for it.
Candace commented at 7/19/2005 12:55:00 PM~: Holy crap.

The Boy once drew on the inside of the car with black Sharpie. We found the baby wipes solution worked well.

Then three years later The Girl drew all over the kitchen table, chairs, floor, and walls with blue Sharpie. Nail polish remover works way better than baby wipes, but it did remove some of the varnish on the table.

And I have no idea how either of them obtained the Sharpies. They were well out of their reach.
Cat commented at 7/19/2005 01:02:00 PM~: O. M. G.
Speechless, Kristine.
Impressed as all get out, but speechless nonetheless.

GAH! You have to admire the ingenuity of it all! Gnawing at her fingers and EVERYTHING!

I am SO GLAD you kept the shorts.
;)
Cat commented at 7/19/2005 01:02:00 PM~: Okay, maybe not SPEECHLESS...
Andrea commented at 7/19/2005 01:47:00 PM~: No wonder she got away with all that stuff. Just look at that angelic face! Who could punish a face like that? :)
Annejelynn commented at 7/19/2005 01:50:00 PM~: I'm surprised Shea didn't get EATEN by her 1st birthday! she was so frickin' CUTE! (still is)
The Merry Widow commented at 7/19/2005 01:51:00 PM~: HILARIOUS!!! I can't wait to see what she does as a teenager.

And those cheeks!!! I just wanna eat them, they're so cute!
Annejelynn commented at 7/19/2005 01:54:00 PM~: upon birth of the first child, all Sharpies should be locked up before the child is brought home from the hospital
Liza commented at 7/19/2005 02:01:00 PM~: wow, shea sounds a lot like me when i was little!! i was the one who told my brother to lock me in my bedroom just so i could get him in trouble for locking me in the bedroom. then we drilled holes in the ceiling. and we climbed on the roof. lovely childhood. makes for a great story!! and what a cute picture!
Nickle Annie commented at 7/19/2005 02:18:00 PM~: ROFLMAO! Thanks for the laugh!
Laura commented at 7/19/2005 02:29:00 PM~: I agree with Annejelynn ... Sharpies and scissors that are capable of cutting through little girls' hair are all put away way up high!

Meanwhile, I would like to take the lead in requesting a photo of the shorts that you kept. I'm trying to picture it, but I just can't. Put BAMF to work for us!
Torrie commented at 7/19/2005 02:32:00 PM~: I cannot believe that child is still alive.
Cindy commented at 7/19/2005 02:49:00 PM~: OMG!!! Seriously...OH.MY.GOD! What an amazing kid! ROFLMAO!
Anonymous commented at 7/19/2005 02:55:00 PM~: I know it's funny now, but I don't know hwo you didn't just lose it at the moment. I would have had a meltdown right there.
~sabredtongue.com
Cindy commented at 7/19/2005 02:57:00 PM~: Such a cutie but so devilish! She's such a smartie - can't wait to see what she does as she gets even older.

Great story - and so glad she's okay even with all her antics to the contrary! :-)
mrtl commented at 7/19/2005 03:00:00 PM~: After reading this I want to sit under my desk and rock for a while.
FutureFoodTVStar commented at 7/19/2005 03:08:00 PM~: Once.. In 1980, I left an entire 24 box of crayons on the back dashboard of our Buick.. in Houston.. in August. Needless to say, when we sold that car in 1989.. the back dash was still colorful.

I was also told that sometime in 1977 I decided that our picture window needed polishing.. and I used an entire tub of vaseline to do the job.
Greenthumb commented at 7/19/2005 03:35:00 PM~: this was quite possibly one of your best posts ever. truly.

XO
KGrams commented at 7/19/2005 03:54:00 PM~: We want shorts, we want shorts, we want shorts. Yes, get out your BAMF and take some pics for us, as I have to see them too.

Good think God makes children so adorable, it makes it easier to love them during times like these.
Leesa commented at 7/19/2005 04:18:00 PM~: OMG, what a story!! I think I would have flipped!!
Random and Odd commented at 7/19/2005 04:38:00 PM~: How did she get out of the playpen?

she grabbed the sides and JUMPED UP AND DOWN until it moved it away from the wall and used the hole to get out.

The shorts are in a box somewhere in the garage from hell. If I ever get brave enough to battle the black widows I will totally take a picture!

Thanks everyone...glad you love the story of the hellion daughter.
Aurora commented at 7/19/2005 04:41:00 PM~: Oh my god! That is insane.
Amy commented at 7/19/2005 05:58:00 PM~: Kristine. I loved this post. It sounds so much like what I live every damn day that I am tingling all over. And yet, it is just a little bit worse! Which makes me feel bad for you but (a tad) good for me! Sorry! I said it!

I am totally tempting fate, I know. A little person in this house will wake up tomorrow and decide it's a good day to see what peanut butter looks like on the big screent tv. Or something.
Charlotte in Pa commented at 7/19/2005 06:29:00 PM~: I love me some Shea. By the way, (in case you haven't heard) Shaun's birthday is August 3rd.
Sue commented at 7/19/2005 07:14:00 PM~: Your kids must really love you to give you great stories like this to blog.... thank them for me too!
Very funny.
Charlotte commented at 7/19/2005 08:29:00 PM~: Great post! Laughed out loud with this one. I just hope the curse my father in law put on us never kicks in. The day my boys even think to do half the stuff my husband pulled, I will be committing myself.
Big Heavy commented at 7/19/2005 09:02:00 PM~: awesome story!! how did shea survive childhood??
Caroline commented at 7/19/2005 10:45:00 PM~: You have the coolest kids EVER.

Can I come over and play?
Kate commented at 7/19/2005 11:48:00 PM~: Damn that was the funniest post you have ever done Kristine. It just kept getting worse. It was like a train wreck.

I had a roommate that had a 2 year old. I had been in my house about 2 years( it was brand new when I bought it) and her daughter found a black sharpie and wrote all over the white walls. I feel your pain. Sharpies are the devil.
Ern commented at 7/19/2005 11:48:00 PM~: Oh my gosh! That whole day sounds like a sitcom episode! You should write a pilot. :)
Sandy commented at 7/20/2005 01:30:00 AM~: Kristine, that was HILARIOUS.
Linda commented at 7/20/2005 05:31:00 AM~: oh that bad saying...I hope you have one just like you! Do you think this is something your Mom may have said after one of your escapades? My Mom said those very same words and I had 3 just like me! I promised myself I would never utter those words...dammit
Did I say that out loud???
Funny stuff Kristine! It's stuff like this that can make us look back and smile!
Keep smiling Girlfriend!
Renee commented at 7/20/2005 05:53:00 AM~: OMG! That is too freakin funny!

I love her chubby cheeks!
Circus Kelli commented at 7/20/2005 07:06:00 AM~: Looking at the picture, I thought she might have been stuck in the saucer toy thingy.

Whoa, what a story that is! What a little imp!

*mental note: make sure Sweet Pea never gets her little mits on the super glue.
shellibells commented at 7/20/2005 09:30:00 AM~: OMG look at the friggin wrinkles in the chub of her arms...i am in heaven, how cute is she to stare at!!! lol
Melanie commented at 7/20/2005 10:26:00 AM~: That is the most adorable picture I've ever seen. And funny story too. Sounds like my kids.
Oliver commented at 7/21/2005 09:01:00 AM~: I am reminded of the line from the old tv show Dinosaurs: "Gotta love me! I'm the baby!"
Anonymous commented at 7/24/2005 05:21:00 AM~: Well your a terrible parent. Kids should not be left alone and supervised by an 8 year old. Scissors belong where an 8 year old can not find them. This is all your fault, please go drown yourself in a pool of shit and STOP procreating.

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