Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Today's the big day that I go visit the doctor. Some of you are going to kill me when I admit the last time I have seen my ya-ya doctor: I think it was sometime around Shea's first birthday. Yes, it has been about 6 years. I could have a Buick growing inside of me and I wouldn't know because I didn't go to the doctor to find out. I have six years of questions I want to ask him, but on the other hand I am freaked out that he's going pull out a rubber chicken and beat me with it because I have been a bad person for not coming to see him earlier. You know after you have a AIDS test taken and you have to wait out those three days before you get the results? You start questioning EVERY SINGLE sexually related thing you did. "Let me see, last week while watch 'A River Runs Through It' I might have....no, you can't catch something if you're by yourself...hmmmm." I feeling like that. I am questioning EVERY SINGLE thing that my body has been through. IN SIX YEARS. I am destroying my poor body. I gained weight, lost weight, gained weight. I smoke. I drink WAY too much coffee, I have unexplained pains and I do nothing about them. My back is out. I take advil everyday to help the pain. I don't take vitamins. EVER. I eat HORRIBLY. I don't exercise. I have anxiety attacks everyday. I don't drink enough water. I sometimes forget to brush my hair....Oh the list goes on and on. How in the hell have I got this far? I guess I have good genes, because the list above, excluding the water, sounds just like my mother. I'm sure my mother would say my grandmother was the same. I feel like getting a running start down the hallway and just sliding up to the bed with my hands in prayer. "DEAR GOD, IF YOU LET ME GET THROUGH THIS DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT WITH A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH, I SWEAR I WILL TAKE BETTER CARE OF MYSELF IN THE FUTURE. I WILL STOP SMOKING, DRINKING COFFEE AND I WILL TAKE VITAMINS EVERY SINGLE DAY!" I'm admitting it. I'm scared. I'm scared of why I haven't had a period since July 10th. I know the list of things it COULD be. Stress is the number one on the list, but if I can make it through 7 years of marriage, his exgirlfriend, three kids and an affair WITHOUT missing a period, then a little bit of stress isn't going to stop Aunt Flo from visiting. menopause? I'm only 33. I would understand if I missed one as a welcome basket to the Estrogen club, but I'm going on THREE months now. I'm afraid to google symptoms of ovarian cancer. The last time I googled something to make sure I spelled it right, I found out I had it. 11:15 is my appointment. I hope I don't come home with rubber chicken bruises. I deserve them though.

link | posted by Random and Odd at 10/12/2005 08:59:00 AM

20 Comments:

Circus Kelli commented at 10/12/2005 09:51:00 AM~: All will be ok, doll. Really it will. At most, you'll probably get "the look" when doc realizes you haven't been in for YEARS.

I hope you're able to get some answers to your six years of questions. :)
The Recovering Straight Girl commented at 10/12/2005 09:59:00 AM~: I'm sure you're fine. Just go to the damn doctor and stop worrying.
Ern commented at 10/12/2005 10:02:00 AM~: OK. FIRST, take a deep breath. SECOND, write down the important questions that you want to ask, to make sure you get them answered. THIRD, coffee is good for you--as long as it isn't affecting your sleep or your stomach acid, they are now saying that it is higher in antioxidants than red wine, so it is good for cancer prevention and general health. FOURTH, don't worry about the vitamins. They just give you expensive poop. Eat a carrot instead. :)

FIFTH--I haven't been on the computer much since last week, so I haven't had a chance to wish you and Shaun a big CONTRATULATIONS!
Meridita commented at 10/12/2005 10:02:00 AM~: Chicken broth. Good for healing rubber chicken bruises?

Ditto @ RSG...
Ern commented at 10/12/2005 10:12:00 AM~: Um...HELLOOOOO...I meant ConGratulations. Doh!
littlefeet commented at 10/12/2005 10:32:00 AM~: ok...i am sure you dont want to hear this...but since it has been 6 years, you need to know...and should get it done...for ovarian cancer, you should make sure they not only do a vaginal exam, but a rectal exam too...not happy...but necessary...

hope everything is just fine...

peace...
Cat commented at 10/12/2005 10:43:00 AM~: Hey! Forget all that other stuff! Ovarian cancer, pregnancy, menopause, whatever! The important question is this: did you remember to trim your monkey?!

What?! Doctors are people, too, you know. I just think it's nice to give them something a little more attractive to look at than the wilds of your jungle, you know what I'm sayin'?

A little body glitter adds a nice touch, too.
Random and Odd commented at 10/12/2005 10:50:00 AM~: This is the same doctor that saw the ya-ya when I couldn't reach it for last 4 months of my pregnancy.

Yes. I trimmed it all up purdy for him.
that girl commented at 10/12/2005 11:20:00 AM~: OK Kristine, you must do the following things:

must go to ya-ya doctor once per year

must breate deeply and relax

must know that internet friends are sending good vibes
Bucky Four-Eyes commented at 10/12/2005 11:24:00 AM~: If the doc doesn't shout into your vagina just for the amusment of the echo...then your visit is better than most of mine.
jkdasfjad commented at 10/12/2005 11:34:00 AM~: 6 YEARS! Goodness, what a lucky girl.

I've dealt with various lady problems for 6 years, seeing a girly doc, no less than 3 times a year. And every other month last year alone. I finally got a clean bill of health in April and don't have to back for a year. I felt like I'd won a million bucks.

Hope all goes well.
Ern commented at 10/12/2005 11:40:00 AM~: Cat: Bushy hair, no hair, trimmed hair. Monkey docs are just happy if it is clean.
Lazy Lightning commented at 10/12/2005 11:46:00 AM~: Hey Kristine - hope your appointment is going okay (I assume you're at it right now actually!) Let us know how it turns out - we dont' mind if you ramble on about your intimate personal crotch problem!!

Here's a comic you might like.
Effie commented at 10/12/2005 11:59:00 AM~: Maybe (s)he'll look deep into your vagina and tell you that you have "booty flies" teeheehee!

Don't worry-all will be well--and make sure you write down the questions to ask--otherwise they'll rush you through the appointment and you'll end up forgetting half the questions...that's what always happens to me!

You can do it!
Pissy Britches commented at 10/12/2005 12:31:00 PM~: Your VAG is gonna be A OK.
Quit worrying your damn self to death.
Do I need to call and cuss your ass out?
You better update us when you get back from the Dr. you HAB.
Kami commented at 10/12/2005 12:37:00 PM~: Hope it went well...
Hippo commented at 10/12/2005 01:04:00 PM~: I AM A DOCTOR!! You may privately email me regarding all Monkey and Monkey environs questions.

Sincerely,

Dr. H.O. Potamus - Monkey Trainer
dashababy commented at 10/12/2005 01:21:00 PM~: Call me when you get home. Pronto!
Otherwise, I will just call you so you pick it.
Shaun commented at 10/12/2005 01:44:00 PM~: She's home and she's OK. Doctor said it was stress. She can fill in the details, but she's OK.
The Fonz commented at 10/12/2005 01:58:00 PM~: CALL ME WHEN YOU GET HOME YOUNG LADY!...

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