2009

02
Jan
Mission Accomplished!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I have been trying to think of ways to get my body in motion. First was to buy a leash that has two clips so I could walk the dogs together.
Ever try to walk two border collies together at the same time? It was a competitive battle between the two just to make sure I couldn’t move one inch in either

direction.  When I finally got them in motion and they realized that I was the pack leader, they then decided that my two legs weren’t nearly as strong as their

eight.  I was drug from one end of the street to the other in a not so delicate looking manner.  Yelling, “SLOW DOWN!” just made them speed up and I was just

their rag doll they were going to drag along their route to sniff out other dogs.
At one point my eight year old mind thought of hooking them up to a wagon and just letting them pull me.  It was quickly dismissed because I remember at 8

years old doing the same thing to our Saint Bernard and about 15 feet down the road he caught wind of something that was more interesting and forgot he

was attached to something with wheels and I was flipped over and my poor wagon was mangled.

Today I woke up and decided I needed to bounce.  Everyone was gone except Kara so I drug her body out of bed and made her go to SkyZone with me. It’s a

giant warehouse of trampolines. The last time I was on a trampoline I threw my back out and I coudn’t walk straight for weeks.  My back has been out for

weeks already and I had a stockpile of pain killers so I knew it ‘couldn’t get any worse’. (Yes, I still haven’t learned my lesson)
Kara and I were like two kids waiting to get on a roller coaster as we waited for our hour to start.  We watched all these kids jumping, spinning and throwing

their bodies onto the side wall trampolines.  THIS WAS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN!  Once we got in I realized that I had made a huge mistake. My back

would only allow me to stand in one spot and just let the people bounce around me.  The pain shooting down my back if I tried to jump was horrible!
After about 10 minutes of near tears, I decided to just start jumping.  It took several minutes before I just pushed the pain to the back of my mind and kept

going.
The sweat that was rolling off my face was proof enough that I was doing the right thing.
Kara was showing me how to fall flat on her back and bounce back up. I tried it, but my mind would shut down RIGHT before I would fall and my butt would

take the impact. The cool part was, I bounced right back up.
A half hour into the bouncing they stop everyone to check their tags and let us know we had another 30 minutes. At that point, both Kara and I were exhausted

and ready to go, but we stuck it out and by the end of our hour we had laughed ourselves into side cramps and our legs wouldn’t hold up any longer.
We will be going back!

After we got home, she was still on the ‘mommy time’ rush and told me that she wanted to use her free movie tickets to have me see Twilight with her (She’s

seen it 6 times in the theater already) and her excitement when I said I would go was heartwarming.  I didn’t like the movie nearly as much as the book…but

the best part was watching a movie with my nearly 16 year old daughter and holding her hand.

So a few things on my list were completed today: I surrounded myself with laughter and was a part of it. I had my heart beating in my chest so hard I thought

It would crack a rib.

This is only day 2.  I can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring!

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02
Jan
he asked, “are you fucking crazy?” and i say, “maybe”
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
On my long list of things I want to be able to say I can do, I have added the one thing that in the past few years I have said is the stupidest thing in the whole,

wide world. I want to be able to say I can ride a motorcycle.
When I met Dan, he had a Ninja 900 (just like the one in Top Gun) and we would spend hours and hours riding it.  My little ass could fit on there quite nicely

and my big, blonde hair wasn’t confined by a stupid helmet.
Since then my ass isn’t something ANYONE should have to see hanging over the seat of a motorcycle and my head would be shoved in a helmet that would

make astronauts envious.
When I was 18, Dan handed me the bike and offered to let me ‘take it for a spin’.  I made it about 5 feet before I dropped it. Needless to say, my ‘driving’ days

were over before they began.
I woke up this morning and decided; The hardest part is stopping and starting.  If I could master those two things, I could successfully say, ‘I can ride a

motorcycle’ and then I can move on to the next thing on my list.

This year should be filled with lots of things.  My list is long and heartbreaking.
I want to feel my heart thud inside my chest cavity so hard I think it will explode…and not because I’m having a full blown anxiety attack.
I want to feel love so passionately that I feel like my skin is on fire.
I want to wake up each morning and say, “What’s new for me?”
I want to taste new foods that make me want to cry they are so tasteful.

Things I don’t want to do;
I don’t want to eat fast food ever again. It’s been a couple weeks so far.
I don’t want to drink soda. I know it’s eating my insides out.
I would love to stop smoking. Not for me, because I love it, but for my kids. to be a good example.
I don’t want to give a shit. I have this icon that says, “Cancel my subscription. I’m sick of your issues.”  Hell yes. Doesn’t that sound great? I want to cancel

some subscriptions.
I never want to take another antibiotic for the rest of my life. I know that isn’t reasonable, but my body is tired and worn out from 6 solid months of it.

My new friends;
Vitamins. Holy crap, I haven’t taken a vitamin in ELEVEN years! yeah, prenatal vitamins were the last time I popped one. They make me physically ill, but I

realize now…I NEED them.
Yogurt.  I would swim in a barrel of it, if someone would provide it!
Laughter. I want that sound to surround me like music.
MUSIC. Thank you again for the Ipod. I have music going ALL the time now and I am reminded of the good times in my life when music was a friend.  It hurts

sometimes, but it’s a good hurt.
Photography. Of course has always been my bestest friend, but like a friend who is forced to move in with you and take over your bedroom…I have resented it

for awhile. I promise to take more pictures…and share my lip gloss.
Videos.  I bought a cheap video camera for the kids. I will jump into that world as well…and capture the remaining years of my children and their innocence.
My hair.  I know, some of you hate it, but I really like it right now. It makes me get up in the morning and try to do something with it.  Just humor me for

awhile okay?
Writing. I’m still working on my book, but it took a back seat to E Coli. I have also started something a little different from Random and Odd. It’s a year of

photography along with my horoscope and how I feel about it.
Promises.  I promise this year, I will fall in love with life again.

Today was spent much like 2008, laying around and enjoying my husband’s company and the comfort of my bed.

Tomorrow…will be much different.

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19
Jan
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I reallllly do not like  it when people use the, “it was in God’s will” to excuse something horrible happening.

It happened because of many reasons: someone was stupid, someone was smart, someone had it coming to them…ect. There is always an explanation for

WHY something happened.  To try to make it BETTER by saying it was in GODS WILL.

Whatever. Please…just write me out of God’s Will and I’m totally okay with that.

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16
Jan
2009 just broke up.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Yeah.

My heart hurts and I want to drink Liquid Drano.

At least 2008 gave me 6 months of blind joy before he brutally ripped my heart out.  2009 took me to the top of a building to show me the beautiful skyline and

stars above. He was romantic and  hopeful.  Then he pushed me off of that building and I am currently still falling at a high rate of speed waiting to hit the

ground.  All the while I am thinking, “This is a joke, right?”
SOMEONE will open their window and see what is happening and be able to do something…right?  I actually caught the edge of a window frame last night and

held on until this morning.   As I was dangling there, I was confronted by pigeons. I figured, ‘just let go…who wants to die by pigeons?’.

It’s weird, as you falling off a building you think about really stupid things.
“Who’s going to take care of the dogs?” “I have no control over who gets to go to my funeral! how unfair!” “I probably should have put on underwear.”

This will actually be my last post for awhile. GoDaddy keeps asking me to renew my name…and I just haven’t done it yet. I think I might, I don’t know. I’m too

busy hoping I can land on that leafy foliage beneath me, but have a feeling someone will rip it out and put in spiky, wrought iron fence before I actually hit.

And happy Friday to all of you.

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13
Jan
No, I won’t post a picture to prove it.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Just imagine, if you will, this scene;
Me and my girlfriend after a warm outting.  Stopped at the pastry place and got some cherry danishes. Walking out to the car, pastries being shoved into our

mouths at a sickening speed.
She unlocks the door to her car. I put my purse and bag on the floor and plop into the seat.  I was pretty certain that I might have sat on something, but wasn’t

sure. I’m usually really good about not leaving things on her seats.
I maneuver myself into the leather seat, but I’m sort of ‘stuck’ in one spot…and that spot is sort of…cold.
“Nanc…I think I just blew my jeans out.”
“What?”
“My jeans, I think I just blew them out.”
I get out of the seat and stand up so she can see what I am talking about.
Now, it’s one of those moments where I wish I had a video camera trained on her face to capture the expression she had when she saw my right butt cheek

hanging out of my pants.
“OH. MY. GOD!”  Hysterical laughter following.
I sit back down, look at the danish and decide that it should probably go right back into the container.
The thought of my ass busting out of my favorite jeans shouldn’t have been as hysterical as it was, but that was some funny shit.  The timing was classic. Half

eaten cherry danish in one hand, butt cheek hanging out.

My new years resolution was making a point. LOUD AND CLEAR.

“Oh, I should get a picture of THAT!”

Uh. no. Funny, but not THAT funny.

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11
Jan
*sniff* can you smell that?
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
No, it’s not teen spirit or sex and candy.

I have super sonic smelling.  No, I’m not pregnant. Jesus people!

For some reason, maybe I am a mutant freak from the antibiotics, but I can smell everything with extreme sensitivity.

Perfume is out of the question.  I put some on the other day and I complained ALL day about it. When I got home, I took a shower and I could still smell it.  I

put on some lotion from Bath and Body Works, same thing.
“Oh my god, I STINK!”
“EWW, I SMELL LIKE OLD LADY!”
“I feel all icky!!!”

I’m not sure why this is happening, but it’s horribly uncomfortable for me…BECAUSE I SMOKE!  Is this some stupid joke on my system?  I already know that

smoking stinks, but I don’t notice it unless it’s cold, early or not me smoking.  Now, I can smell everything, all the time.
Food has been one of those things that usually has a pleasant smell…not so much anymore.  Things are either too much or tangy in my nose.  Nothing really

smells good.

Curse or Dream? I haven’t figured out which one yet.

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08
Jan
Yeah, it is all about me.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


This marks the first week of 2009.  It already is better than 2008.

Things that are different about 2009 is that I am completely off all antibiotics. It’s been about three weeks since I have  taken anything.
I’m also down to about one xanax a week as well. The only hard part about that is the anxiety is now back in rare form. I dealt with it medication free for many

years, and honestly I am sick of people using the excuse that I am ‘medicated’. The next person that says it to me gets 78 empty bottles of antibiotics shoved

down their throat…with a smile.  I don’t take antidepressants, because I am not depressed. I am frustrated, angered, sometimes hopeless, numb on

occasions…but not depressed.
The medicine I take now are probiotics, women’s 1 a day vitamin and a cranberry pill.

The bladder/kidney thing seems to be at bay for the moment (yes, knocked on wood) and the ringing in my ears went away for a whole day, but it is back. It’s

annoying, but I am getting use to it.  The urge to throw my body off a ledge has subsided.   My back is getting better as well. It just depends on what I do for

the day. If I move around a lot it’s okay, If I decide to throw myself on a trampoline for an hour…it tends to get worse. Weird how age does sort of kick in.

I’ve been trying SO hard to embrace 2009 with open arms.  It actually feels good to just be 100% honest with myself. When I say myself, it’s the conversations

I have in my head.
You know what I mean? when someone is talking to you or you’re in a situation and you start saying things like, “What the hell is this person talking about?

what an idiot. Why am I here?  This is bugging me. I’m going to walk out of the room now.” but you don’t. You just stand there. smiling. nodding your head

like a dumb bobble head doll.
Myself and I have been talking more. When she starts saying stuff like, “Remember the Big picture, Kristine…would it kill you to just laugh at this person?

Would anyone REALLY care in 5 years?” and I laugh in my head and say, “Yeah. You’re right. Who gives a shit!”  She’s a pretty smart girl. She gave me a

zippo lighter for New Years and she taught me how to burn a bridge. If you all met her, you would be like, “Ohhhh, she’s sort of bitchy.” but once you get to

know her, you realize she’s not so bad, she’s just looking out for me.  Oh, and did I mention how much fun she is?  I think I have.
She is really good at setting boundaries too! I admire that in her. She keeps reminding me, “Keep going. just keep going.” and I do.

With that said, I have a job interview. One of those crazy full time, all the time, jobs.  I only work during the school year.
So fingers crossed that I get it.  It would be SO nice not to lose my house this early in 2009!

I’m also writing this horoscope/picture a day thing. It’s kind of cool. So far, the horoscopes aren’t really applying to me and If I can remember to do it

everyday for a year, I would like to see if there is anything to it. I write it in at night to make sure that nothing happens that changes the outcome.  Today is

spose to be a really bad day. I might lose my cool. So far, not once…but I have therapy later.

How’s everyone else doing? Keeping all the promises you made to yourself?

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06
Jan
Happy 12th Birthday, Alyx
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
 *I went through all my posts for Alyx’s birthday and I have yet to tell her story, so this year I will.  In 2005 I did write her a little something and these are the

people that were here at Random and Odd for her first R&O birthday: pissybritches, Mrs.Strizzay, that one chick, my sister, ferncanyonman, Girl from

Impanema, ScottyG & Shellybells
(I still talk to many of those bloggers *hug)

For January 7th:

I’m sitting here trying desperately to remember what it felt like to be pregnant all those years ago and for the life of me, I can’t remember.

I do remember the day I went in to the hospital to have her though.

My doctor informed me a few weeks before her due date that he was going to be leaving on vacation right around that time and before he could offer up,

“Would you like me to induce you before I go?” I had slid across his mahogany desk, grabbed him by his starch, white jacket and burst into tears;

“Nooooooooooo!”
Me and Dr. B had been through a child birth and miscarriage and there was NO way I was going to let some other doctor go poking around down there.
He pulled out his calendar and before he could pick a date I had wept into his collar, “The soonest appointment available.”
He said, “How does January 7th sound?”
The sounds of the sky parting and all the angels singing is what it sounded like.  If chocolate cake could talk is what it sounded like.
That morning I was standing by the front door like a dog ready to go on her walk.  Dan grabbed all my stuff and we headed back to the hospital I was so

familiar with.
My room was smaller than it was when I had Kara and everyone seemed to be scattering around. Come to find out, the hospital had actually moved and they

were just staying open for another week or so.  The new hospital had all the new cool stuff.
The new hospital must have had all the nice nurses because I got stuck with the crotchity, old bitch that from the second I walked in totally harshed my

mellow.
My mom taught me something before I had Kara; “Don’t lose it. If you lose it, you can’t get it back.”  I didn’t whimper, whine or pout when I had Kara and Alyx

was going to be a walk in the park.  UNTIL the nurse felt me up. She didn’t just feel me up, she went up, around and I’m pretty sure she might have flicked my

tonsils. She was mean and abusive.
I was crawling up the back of the bed to get away from her when she snapped at Dan, “Please hold her down!” and he saw that look on my face. I was losing it.

  Dan wasn’t real big on sticking up for me, but he saw something that caused him to bolt into action, “STOP!” she jerked her hand from my body and

snapped the rubber glove off. “Fine!”
After she walked out of the room my eyes started filling up with tears and I was already begging him to find my doctor so we could go home. I changed my

mind. I would wait for Dr. B to get home from vacation and I could go to nice hospital with all the nice nurses.

When the crotchity, old bitch came back in, I had just recovered from her assault and noticed she was putting on a new set of gloves. I grabbed Dan’s hand

and sent him non-verbal eye warnings. ‘If you let her touch me there again, YOU will never touch me there again!”  He caught the flying daggers and told the

nurse that I would be waiting for the doctor or another nurse.
She informed him that it would be a long wait and ‘good luck’.  She snapped off the second pair of gloves and left.
I’m not kidding when I say this; I crossed my legs at the knees and informed the universe that no one was coming near me until my doctor got there.  The

universe migh thave laughed because nurse crotchity came back in with a needle, “Here sweetie. I’m sorry. This will make you feel better.”  She came bearing

gifts in the form of pain killers.  I didn’t need them, but who is going to pass up the opportunity for a little bit of ‘happy time’ during labor?
I think she injected bleach in my system because as soon as she walked out my body decided it need to go freezing cold and I the simple task of pulling air in

and pushing it out of my lungs was nearly impossible.
Dan saw that I was starting to go into some sort of shock and started for the door when a new nurse walked in and saw that look on my face too. “You need

air!”
FINALLY someone that spoke my language.
She put the mask on me and I started to calm down. I let her know that if Nurse Crotchity came back in, I would have to kill someone.
My sister walked in around then and saw me on the bed, shaking violently and with a mask on my face.
Without hesitation she burst into her best Maverick from Top Gun impersonation, “WERE GOING DOWN GOOSE! DON’T LEAVE ME GOOSE!”
I knew once she got there I would be okay.  Dan took my mom downstairs to get donuts and coffee and in that 10 minutes away, I went into full blown labor.
New, Happy, Pretty nurse checked me out and said, “Uh…do you want me to deliver or do you want to wait for the doctor?”
Hellllloooooo…I had JUST gotten there an hour or two ago. I hadn’t even finished filling out the paperwork. Where was the pain at? Oh yeah, epidural guy just

left.
“Waiting for the doctor.”

I went in at 8am. settled in around 9am. assaulted by nurse at 10. crossing my legs to wait for doctor at noon.  Alyx was born somewhere  between 1 and 2 pm.

As soon as the doctor got there, Alyx was born.

He put her on my chest, something I didn’t get with Kara, and I looked at her squishy face and I finally allowed myself to cry.
During my waiting for the doctor, we had put on the news and it was during the time that the teenagers gave birth to a baby and dumped it in a trash bin.

When I looked at her I thought, “how in the hell?” and the tears kept coming.

I didn’t want to separate from her for a second.

I still don’t.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl Angel Puff.

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05
Jan
I will be a magician!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Okay, watch closely. This is what I am calling my slight of hand;

Today was fantabulous!  I had a new adventure! I had a picnic in my bed!

Fuck, I suck at that.
Today sucked balls.
I got up, took the kids to school and then came home KNOWING that today was going to be one of those days. Instead of climbing in the shower, I figured I

would be sophisticated and have a nice cup of tea and check my emails before.  Now some people won’t think that as sophisticated, but normal.  For me, I

normally stumble my way into the kitchen and by the grace of some God, I manage to make coffee. Never during the process of making the coffee do I ever

question the ability it takes to MAKE the coffee…it’s after my second cup that I think, “Whoa, really? How the hell did I function well enough to measure out

coffee, poor water and push the button?  And then again, REMEMBER, I made coffee, find a cup and the implements to make the coffee to taste like the best

part of waking up? I am a fucking magician!”

So, yeah, back to this morning…I decided to make tea instead.  Did you know that the ‘sleepy time’ tea REALLY works? I thought it was one of those power of

mind things. People buy the tea that says sleepy so it will make them feel like they are really sleep, when they aren’t…it just said sleepy so they…what the hell

is that called? placebo? something…anyway, get my drift?  The damn tea worked.
I decided to wash my sheets and put new ones on. That is always tempting for me because I loves me some new, clean sheets.  After I made the bed, I got in it

to make sure the sheets were going to be sleep-in-able.  Then Dan came over to show me his new phone and his voice has this way of making me tired.  I

mean, I think I could be on a 2 day crank binger and he could put me out like a light.  He starts talking and explaining stuff and it’s like he dropped me 14

xanax in my tea. I could hear him saying, “You’re snoring?”  and I pulled the covers over my head.  Then I woke up, KID YOU NOT, at 3:30pm.

I’m pissed at myself for allowing myself to do that!  I mean, YES, the dreams were off the hook, but come on…I had SO much to do!

But, I did shower and make the bed.

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04
Jan
A letter to myself and a reply from myself.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Letters
*inspired by Tracy Chapman – At This Point In My Life*

Dear Kristine,

At this point in my life
Ive done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right.
If you put your trust in me, I hope I wont let you down.
If you give me a chance I’ll try.
You see its been a hard road the road I’m traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin.
Ive had a hard life I’m just saying it so you’ll understand
That right now, right now, I’m doing the best I can.

At this point in my life
Although Ive mostly walked in the shadows
I’m still searching for the light
Wont you put your faith in me,
We both know thats what matters
If you give me a chance I’ll try
You see I’ve been climbing stairs, but mostly stumbling down
I’ve been reaching high, always losing ground.
You see Ive conquered hills, but I still have mountains to climb.
And right now, I’m doing the best I can.
At this point in my life

Before we take a step,
Before we walk down that path,
Before I make any promises,
Before you have regrets,
Before we talk commitment,
Let me tell you of my past,
All Ive seen and all Ive done,
The things Id like to forget,

At this point in my life
Id like to live as if only love mattered,
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it.

You see when Ive touched the sky
The earths gravity has pulled me down
But now Ive reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly.
If you can believe in this heart of mine,
If you can give it a try,
Then I’ll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have.

Love,
Kristine

Dear Kristine,
I’ve read your words and I want to believe you because you have been so honest with me.
Truthfully, I’ve had a hard time with trust lately.
You say you’re afraid you’ll take me down the path to ruin if I take your hand, but if you would have looked over during your travels you would have seen that

I’ve sort of been on the same path you’ve been on. I keep waiting for you to stop walking through fire to prove a point, but you not only walk over the coals

into the flame, you stand there and let them eat at you. It’s sad to watch.  The only comfort I get out of it is knowing that eventually you see what you’re doing

and you get out before the damage is reversible. Sadly, I see that maybe they weren’t healed wounds, but just faint scars that only I can see because I have

been staring at them for so long.

You talk about the shadows you have walked in, Kristine.  There has never been anything that would cast a shadow on you. I am the one that has traveled in

the shadows, waiting for you to realize that you’re stronger than all the hills you continue to climb, avoiding the mountains.

There is no need to talk of your past. If anyone knows about your strengths and weaknesses, it’s me. I’ve spent years with this little girl you use to be. Her

beautiful hair dragging along the dirt as she  hung her head from the swing in the front yard letting the wind freeze her to the bone, refusing to wear a jacket

because she wouldn’t be able to feel the sting of the air on her skin if she did.
Your teenage years were fun to watch as you experimented on how far you could push yourself and everyone around you. You learned your limitations

quickly, but it never stopped you from pushing that line as you got older.
I remember the days when you would put your hand out the window and let the air glide your hand over the trees, over the hills, back down to earth again. I

remember the laughter on your lips. The look you would get on your face when you were stumped by one of life’s questions or the smug look when you had

insight to what was going through someone’s mind.
I was there when you were at that crossroad in your life when you had to make a choice.
You always struggled with the ‘what if’s’ in life. It never slowed you down as a wife, mother or a friend though.
I was sorry when your life came tumbling over itself. I was there though and I know you remember me. I was the one talking to you when you forgot how to

breath.  There were days when you were just on auto-pilot. I knew you could always hear me though. You fought to get to where I was and sometimes I thought

you would forget I was there because you would get so caught up in figuring it all out.
Once you settled into not knowing what path to take and just letting me lead the way, you seemed to do pretty good. Don’t get me wrong…you were still a

major pain in the ass because you were so stubborn about everything.   Sometimes I would just let you think you were in charge then, but I knew I was doing

a good job and you were happy.

You mentioned that you would like to live as if only love mattered. Kristine, you’ve always lived your life like that. Since March, 23rd of 1993, your life has

been nothing but love. From the moment you saw your fist daughter you lived life as if nothing in the world mattered more than making life full of love for

her. Again on January 7th, 1997 you fell in love again. Remember how your heart nearly exploded with love when you looked at your second daughter?  And if

that wasn’t enough you were allowed to have love lead your way on May 15th of the next year.
Have you forgotten so quickly what your purpose in life was the moment you looked at them?  I didn’t think so. You’re smarter than that.
You don’t need redemption, you just need to remember again and again, every single day that love you felt when you thought there was no more room in your

heart for love, but found more with each passing day.
Now, here is my promise to you;
If you take my hand and let me lead the way, forgetting all this other petty bullshit that you seem to think is so damned important, I will remind you every

single day that you are good, beautiful & worthy. These are all the things that you are think are untrue. You think you’re not good, not beautiful, not worthy.

I’m here to tell you that you are and if you PROMISE me that you’ll listen to me when I remind you every day that you are that I will find you those wings so

you can fly.

I believe in that heart of yours
And will give you a chance.

You deserve that chance…at this point in your life.

Love,
Kristine

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03
Jan
My Horoscope was wrong!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


It said that I would probably not do much today. HA!

I got my eyes checked.
I dropped off pictures to a client.
I went to Bath and Body Works, Best Buy and and electronic store.
Shaun and I went out shooting pictures.

:)

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03
Jan
*clearing throat*
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
OUCH!

I have trampoline burns on my elbows!
I’m not even going to mention that every muscle in my body is REALLY pissed at me.

Guess what? I’m still alive though.

Going to go whimper for another hour and then get up and push past it. *whimper*

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06
Feb
Chanting…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
must not kill the children. must not kill the husband. must not drive truck over ex-husband. must not rip throats out of random strangers.

repeat x 200,000 a day.

yeah, this quiting smoking thing is just a barrell of laughs!

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02
Feb
Chantix — Take 2
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I’m now on the 7th day of Chantix, the quitting smoking pill.  The first couple of days were odd because I was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  I felt the

mood swings, but they weren’t enough to want me to drown anyone in the toilet, so I figured everyone was safe.
Somewhere around day 2 or 3, I got Dan’s flu. I knew it would come with a cough, but because I had been chain smoking in fear of never wanting another

cigarette, my cough was a doozy.

Every thing has been smooth sailing and I even forgotten the side effects.  On Friday night I had a disturbing dream where I was involved with Rick James.

Mr. SuperFreak himself.  In my dream, my goal was to unbraid his hair and run my fingers through his hair. In an awake state it’s discusting and I want to

hurl, but in my dream state it was a turn on.  I woke up thinking, “My therapist is going to LOVE this one!”.

Since I have sporatic cases of insomnia, going two days without sleep and then being able to sleep for 5 hours without a problem, I figured the ‘problem

sleeping’ warning level on the Chantix wouldn’t be a problem.  IT SUCKS.  I was FINALLY tired last night. It was a little after 11pm when I decided to go to bed.

This would be like going to bed at 6pm for normal people.  I felt like I was awake, but asleep…or asleep, but awake.  I kept waking up looking at the clock

thinking, “NO Fing WAY!” HOURS had gone by and it felt like I was just laying there trying to sleep…but I was.
At 3:45am I caved in and took a Xanax and slept until 10am.   I’m going to try something new tonight and take the last of 2 pills at 6pm and see if makes a

difference.

Now for the smoking part of this whole thing.  I honestly think the fact that I had the flu is what slowed me down.  Taking a drag of a cigarette is painful on my

throat. I’m still fighting to the cough and after I finish writing this up I am running to the store to buy me and Alyx some Musinex so we can get rid of our

rattling coughs.
Good news though…last night, I actually didn’t feel like smoking when I normally would have grabbed one.  I was hoping that within the first few days the

taste of a cigarette would have me wanting to put it out and become a non-smoking snob, but no such luck.
I start the higher dose tomorrow.

Bring on the creepy non-sleepy dreams!

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01
Feb
Little Red Birds
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Isn’t she freakin’ cute?  I got to spend an hour with her and her mom and dad yesterday while we did her 6 month shoot. I swear, it’s a good thing I can’t have

babies anymore.  Well, I could, but I would have some explaining to Shaun if I did.

Today is Superbowl Sunday.  It’s a day of lounging on the couch and stuffing your face full of greasy food and yelling at the TV.  Okay, that is pretty much

every night at our house.
I grew up to hate the Steelers because my aunt and uncle loved them and what fun was football if there wasn’t a rivalry between homes?  Out of all the years of

watching them, I grew to secretly love them though.  Then the greatest thing happened to them… *angels singing* Ben Roethlisberger, my no-helmet-

wearing-cute-idiot!  Shaun and I watched the drafts when he was picked up…way late in the drafts (tenth??) because it was the year of Eli Manning (?). Shaun

liked him and I liked the look of that big ol’ football playing teddy bear.  Reow. Throw that ball! reow! Run tight buns, RUN! Sorry…getting a little carried away.

Trying to erase the dream I had this morning where I was romantically linked with Rick James.

Today they play the Cardinals. The team that has nothing to offer the eye, except a little red bird that reminds me of Christmas.
BUT, I am going to root for the little tweeters because my brother in law, Kevin, is a fan.  Always has been. For as long as I can remember, his home has been

decorated with those little red birds.  So for the love of my brother in law, I will avert my eyes when Big Ben is manhandling the football today and try not

imagine….no…I won’t even think of what I will try not imagine.

GO CARDINALS.  you little red bird you.

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30
Jan
Proof!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: ex
Dan called me the other day and sounded like hell.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Bring me soup…please…I feel sick.”

During my whole marriage he insisted that anytime I was ill, that it was all in my head. I try not to hold that against him after all these years, but it’s my first

reaction to say, “Well you just need to think positive thoughts!”, I didn’t though. I ran to the store and got him low sodium chicken noodle soup and orange

juice.

I called him every four hours to remind him to take his medicine and each time he thanked me and hung up mid cough.

Yesterday around noon I felt like I was hit by the sick bus.  I had officially gotten what that bastard ass had given me.  He called me on day 2 of his sick, which

was about 5 hours into my sickness.
“Bring me soda…if I drink anymore orange juice I’m going to hurl.”
“F U, I got what you have!” I whined.
“Oh god, I’m so sorry!” (a first, he never says he’s sorry)
“ugh. go away.”

Last night Shaun brought Dan some Sprite and I got a text message saying, “Tell Shaun thank you. He’s the best ex-wife’s new husband ever.”

Today I got this message on my phone.  I wanted to keep it forever so when he gets better and is a dick again, I can remind him that I am the best ex-wife…

EVER.

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28
Jan
Remember; “I wish”?
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I wish for something, you comment back granting me that wish and then fuck it up and then ask for your own wish.

Example:
randomandodd: I wish I could get it together.
you: GRANTED! but once you get it all together you realize it’s in boxes and on a U-haul to nowhere.  I wish I had a million dollars.
someoneelse: GRANTED! but you have to give that million to your ex-wife. i wish…

and so starts the cycle.

SO let’s start with me.

I wish my body didn’t look like I was pregnant with the Michelin Tire baby.

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28
Jan
Quit Smoking — Take 1
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I started taking Chantix yesterday.  I read the pamphlet that came with the quit-smoking-pills and knew that I would probably have to deal with the side effects

as they came.

After the first pill kicked in, I got overwhelmingly tired.  One of the side effects mentioned I would be tired, but since I had been on Xanax (the king of tired

pills) I figured it couldn’t be worse than that.  Wrong.  I had to drive home and when I got there I passed out on my bed using the uncomfortable pillow so I

wouldn’t sleep too long.  The pillow is one of those cutsie ones you don’t really use because it has crisscross patterns and it just for decoration.  I woke up an

hour later with waffle like marks indented in my face.
The pamphlet also mentions ‘mood swings’, ‘mood changes’, ‘depression’ & ‘suicidal tendencies’.  As a woman, mood swings and changes come and go off

and on all month long. Depression runs in the family and I had dealt with depression and suicidal tendencies after I had Shea. This would all be worth it if I

could quit smoking.
The rest of the day, I didn’t feel much different except that I felt sort of ‘blah’.
By the end of the day I just wanted Shaun to hold me and make me feel something other than blank.

Today is day two.  I took the pill early on in the day so I don’t pass out before I have to pick up the kids.  I decided to read some of the websites on the

product I’m taking.  It looks like this is going to be an interesting ride for me. Hopefully I can exchange the tired feeling for the  hallucinations.

Until then, don’t mind me…I’m just going to cuddle up with the waffle pillow and hope that I can get excited about something.

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26
Jan
Crossroads
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I’m being told by the higher powers that I need to write one of those heart wrenching posts. I don’t really know if I have it in me, but since she wants to hear

depressing…let’s talk about my first marriage. JUST KIDDING!

Believe it or not, that book I said I was working on, is something still in the making. It’s HARD writing a book! No one told me it would be hard.  I already have

the front cover designed though. Imagine with me if you will; Test Crash Dummy car and wall with the bullseye. The picture will be taken from the back seat

and in the front will be one of the crash test dummies in a wedding gown.  Title, “You could learn a lot from this Dummy.”  What do you think? too much?

Here is a small portion of a life long book I am writing:

Many years ago I met this woman that was happily married to her best friend. She said to me one day that she would never fully trust a man. I thought that was

absolutely the craziest thing I had ever heard, because her husband was the most devoted married man on the planet.  She told me, “You can never trust

someone 100%.”
I thought she might have had one to many shots of whiskey when she said it, so I brushed it off as drunken talk.
During our friendship she would repeat this and I always tried to tell her, “Are you serious? Your husband is madly in love with you!”  Everything about their

marriage screamed success.
She would just smile and say, “I know. I just don’t trust 100%”.
I wish I could go up to her now and kiss her on the mouth and say, “I WAS SO WRONG! TEACH ME!”
I believed I could trust someone with every ounce of trust I had in me.  I had been in relationships where I didn’t trust someone. It was so obvious the game

they were trying to pull. If anyone was an expert on seeing the game being played, it was me. Not only had I played the game, I also did some arm chair

coaching.
Funny how when someone pulls something over on you so wickedly that it makes you stop cold in your tracks and you have to either applaud or burst into

flames.
I found out what my response was when my boyfriend was playing a dangerous game with my trust.
Ice cold. I turned into a statue. It felt like hours before I could move my fingers and when I finally did move, I burst into flames.

This is just a very small part of the book, but it brings me back to the person I am now, after all these years of wearing flame retardant clothing.
You would think after that run through the flames of untrust that I would be smart enough to not even come close to the fire again, but I did and I continue to.
Being human is trusting people for years, telling them your secrets, letting them get to know who you really are, depending on that relationship and then

getting hurt because of all of it.
My question is; is it worth it?
Of course it is. Right?
That is where I am in my life right now. I don’t know who to trust anymore.  Being forgiving to a fault and not liking it when people can’t get along has been

my downfall in the past.

My therapist thinks it’s a good thing that I am finally allowing myself to cut people out of my life that are not healthy.  It’s sometimes sad seeing old pictures,

watching videos and having those good memories of laughing and having a friend that knows you, has been there for you…but I guess what hurts worse is

knowing all that time, that person didn’t really like the person you were.
I’m not one of those people that are really good at remembering why I was mad at someone, but I do remember the hurt and pain of certain words and that is

what I have to remember when I am confronted with a situation where I have to make a choice.

I guess it’s okay not to trust 100%.  It just sounds so sad.

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22
Jan
The 2009 Oscars
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Normally, I wouldn’t give a shit and I wouldn’t even watch it. BUT THIS IS A NEW YEAR. So I am going to see some of them and make my predictions…

because I kicked ass on the people choice awards.

The Academy Awards will be handed out on Feb. 22. Below, the complete list of nominees.

** to make an educated prediction, I would have to see all these movies before Feb 22nd. I have only seen the ones highlighted…so far.**

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (1/24/09- 3am LOVED IT!)
The Dark Knight
Iron Man
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire
The Wrestler
Rachel Getting Married
Changeling
Frozen River
Doubt
Tropic Thunder
Revolutionary Road
Happy-Go-Lucky
In Bruges
WALL-E
Bolt
Kung Fu Panda
La Maison en Petits Cubes
Lavatory — Lovestory
Oktapodi
Presto
This Way Up
The Duchess
Australia
The Betrayal
Encounters at the End of the World
The Garden
Man on Wire
Trouble the Water
The Conscience of Nhem En
The Final Inch
Smile Pinki
The Witness — From the Balcony of Room 306
The Baader Meinhof Complex (Germany)
The Class (France)
Departures (Japan)
Revanche (Austria)
Waltz with Bashir (Israel)
Auf der Strecke (On the Line)
Manon on the Asphalt
New Boy
The Pig
Spielzeugland (Toyland)
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Defiance
Wanted

How many have you seen?

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20
Jan
My Heart is SO happy!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
This is the best news we will have all year!

Go say hi to her and show some love.

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20
Jan
Confession #1
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I’ve never ate guacamole before.  The color turned me off.
Honestly, it wasn’t that good.

It being 2009, and 2009 being one son of bitch, I decided that I’m not going to let me stop doing what I promised to do. Be a better me and try new things.

This one of them.
Honestly, it tasted like eww.

Yes, I live in California and I hate guacamole. DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!

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09
Mar
You Jonesin’?
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


On long trips, ‘Cita and I like to play this game called, “A-Z”  and we pick a topic.  Things you find on the side of the road. Things you find in your house.

Album Titles.  A-Z is endless as long as you have ideas.
After you decide what your topic is, you start with A.  Example: A-Z “Jobs” – A… Apple Picker, B…Bus Driver, C…Cardiologist…  See how easy that is?

‘Cita decided one day that we should play A-Z through pictures on Facebook.  There would be no theme, we would just post a picture a day and each day it

would be the next letter.   We added a few of our friends we thought would like to play.  Within a week we already had a 100 people joining the group and a

handful of people actually playing.

It’s much like Stuff Portrait Friday…except it’s everyday…and there isn’t a theme unless it’s self imposed.   So it’s not really anything like Stuff Portrait Friday

except in the way that you’re uploading pictures for people to see and getting comments sometimes.

I thought I would mention it because we are almost done with out first go through the alphabet and will be starting back at A on Saturday (most people will

upload their A picture on Friday night though)
It’s a no pressure game. You can play everyday…or not.

If you have facebook and you’re interested:  Join the Group and play along! I miss your pictures and here is an easy way to get back into your photography if

you’ve slacked off.

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05
Mar
Internal Anti-Cuddling Mechanisms
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
There are two types of cuddling people.
1. The obligatory cuddler.  The act of cuddling goes no further than the time watching television and those moments (and when I say moments, I actually

mean nano seconds) when you decide to go to sleep and while getting into position, it would appear rude to not hold your partner long enough for him or her

to fall asleep.
2. The full blown cuddler.  Cuddles during television and will often ‘nuzzle’ to get into better cuddling position and when it’s time for bed will cuddle long

after both have fallen asleep.  If their partners switches positions during sleep, the full blown cuddler will then switch positions to accommodate.  This is

usually done without even waking up.

With that said, Shaun is a obligatory cuddler and I am the full blown cuddler.  Our worlds collided when we met and realized that each was on the other side of

the cuddling bridge.  During our marriage we have come to meet somewhere in the middle, but I believe it has taken it’s toll because some things have been

altered in our cuddling DNA.

Me as a FBC no longer is a big ‘tv cuddler’.  Shaun as the OC has built in anti-cuddling mechanisms…probably created when we first met and I over cuddled

him.

I figured this out last night in a lame attempt at ‘sleep cuddling’.  When Shaun falls asleep, it’s usually on his back…not optimal cuddling position.  If I wait

awhile he will soon flip with his back to me. Perfect cuddling position.  His whole back is nice and warm and I’m the human ice berg.   He will soon start to

toss and turn, probably because his body temperature as dropped 20 degrees in less than 30 seconds.
Insomnia and I arm wrestled and had thumb wars until 3 am last night and by the time I finally was tired enough to pass out, the heater had been off for quite

some time and my upper body was nearing hypothermia.  There is only one way to get warm in this house and it’s either cuddle with Shaun or cuddle with

Shea, they are both human furnaces. He was on his side; back to me; I moved in for the cuddle and like a wild animal he detected the movement and flopped

on his back.  I sat there for a moment waiting for him to find his spot.  He turned his head away from me and I slowly slid my leg near his and scooted in.  The

second my cold arm hit his warm belly his face turned towards me.
Here would be a good time to mention the fact that I don’t like to be breathed on.
I was willing to suffer through the breathing on my forehead if it meant that I could draw some heat from his wickedly warm body…but then he began to snore

and his body began to curl into a ball.

I had to pull away because I was pretty certain he was turning into one of those rolly pollie bugs that when faced with danger just ball up and roll away.    This

FBC had crossed the OC lines and his internal system was shutting down.

My foul mood this morning is being blamed on the fact that even though he has no recollection of the anti-cuddling, I’m still irritated.  Much like I would be if

I had a dream and he was cheating on me in it.  I could hold a pissed off grudge over a dream for days!  I’m still pissed off at my ex-husband for a dream I

had nearly 15 years ago. Don’t believe me, ask him…he is randomly reminded of the dream when ever the debate of him paying child support comes up.
“Oh yeah! WELL YOU HAD DINNER WITH CARMEN ELECTRA AND WHEN I CALLED YOU SAID YOU WERE HAVING DINNER WITH YOUR MOM!”
“and again, Kristine, that was just a dream you had…much like the dream of you getting your child support check on time.”

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02
Mar
I never know what to expect.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
“Do you need anything from the store?” Shaun asks.
“CARMEX!” Kara yells from the bedroom, where normally she can’t hear anything, but when someone is making a trip to the store she has super sonic

hearing.
“Kristine, do YOU need anything?” He asks again.
“Mmmmm…no, don’t think so.” I answer.
Shea and Alyx come running in, “Peanut Butter AND Jelly!”
“You need both?” he asks.
“YES!”
“Well, then you know what time it is?”

And then Shaun and the girls, as if rehearsed, burst out singing  Peanut Butter Jelly Time.  Including the dance. I sit in awe of how their minds all work on the

same level at the same time.

Please tell me I’m not alone when it comes to random acts of weirdness in the home.

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25
Feb
Have you ever…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Here’s a totally hypothetical situation.
I am going to change the wording around a little bit because just in case someone is reading this and doesn’t believe me when I say ‘hypothetical’.  Really,

who believes someone when they say, “hypothetically”. See, right there, I tossed that word into the ” ” because I either don’t believe the word is actually a

word or it’s just a word that is being loosely used.   The fact that word, ‘totally’ is thrown in front of the word hypothetical is almost like trying to convince

your mother that you didn’t skip school, all the while your face is twitching and your sweating buckets.

So, to my questions that is totally hypothetical;

Has someone ever been “Blah, blah, blah…(this is a form of wording used to decribe that someone is either saying something monumentally stupid, totally

irrelevant, or just talking shit out of the side of her (or his) mouth –in this case, ALL THREE) …blah…blah….Blllllllllahhhhhh.”
and then you’re all, “Shut the fuck up, Bitch.”

?

Hypothetically speaking, I’m the one thinking; ‘shut the fuck up, bitch’.

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23
Feb
Auto Update…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Along with Tivo, I wish life had a pause, rewind and fast forward option. I didn’t watch Click because I don’t want to ruin the image of the perfect world I have

in my head.
Well, along with the beforementioned options, I would like to add: Auto Update.

When things are getting old. Auto Update. I want to wake up and have my house look like it was raped by Ikea.  My attempts at making my world a little cooler

to look at— end in failure.  I have found that the Ikea look isn’t something that can be done in phases. If you get one thing, GET THEM ALL because anything

from Ikea will look out of place if you don’t buy the whole damn room.

The auto update will come in handy when my wardrobe is like it is now; a combination of “Best of Fugly” and something that Mrs. Roper from Three’s

Company use to wear.  Auto Update would compile information from “What Not To Wear” and the next time I opened my closet door the insane volume of

sweat pants  I own, would be jeans that made me look like I have an ass and not the hind quarters of a donkey.

Auto Update would ALWAYS remember to update my blog, twitter, facebook, youtube…you get the picture.

Auto Update would be certain to delete Mariah Carey music from my computer so in times like, right now, Marina won’t play a song, leaving me with the words

to “Hero” repeating over and over before I stab at my ears with my highlighters or a random straw.

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19
Feb
box it up or donate it. It has GOT TO GO.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I’ve sort of been on this, ‘throw away everything you have ever owned’ kick lately.  It started with 80% of the content in my garage.   I couldn’t be happier.

Well, that’s just a stupid statement, OF COURSE I COULD BE HAPPIER.
I’m just really glad that the crap that was attracting mice is now out of my garage.  I’m glad the stuff that I have been holding on for other people is out of my

garage. Well, a majority of it anyway.  I’m going to give him ONE more warning about it and if it’s not out, I take 1% of the baby pictures he has in 4 storage

bins and I send it to him and then give him 2 weeks to come get the other 99%.  Sounds fair right?

Next is the closet. I have weeded my clothes down to ‘haven’t worn it/won’t wear it/don’t fit/what was I thinking when I bought ORANGE?  and ‘keep’.   4 bags

of useless clothes later, I have room in my closet to hang up my hoodies.  Now this is the part that confuses the hell out of me.  When did I go through a

phase in my life when I thought I needed a hood attached to all my shirts and warm clothing?
Don’t get me started on the sheer volume of sweat pants I own.
It’s like Where’s Waldo of dress pants in my closet.

“I’m looking for a blazer and black dress pants. It’s not on this page. I give up!”

My sweat pants were weeded through too and I had to justify holding on to 2 pairs of each of my favorite types; the cut off sweat. the capri sweat. the full

length and acceptable at the gym sweat.
Sadly, I only own one pair that I would be caught dead in outside of my home.

The next room to get the strip down is the kitchen.  *evil laughter*

I feel like K-Mart announcing the blue light special….EVERYTHING MUST GO!

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18
Feb
Today…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I wish they had realistic horoscopes.

Today mine would read, “Just go on ahead and sream FUCK! at the top of your lungs. You’re going to need it to get throughout the day. In fact…spend the

first 3 hours of your day just doing that.”

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15
Feb
I said, “Howdy”. He said, “Hi”
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
On the way home from Ryan’s 18th birthday-we-missed-lunch-lets-have-coffee-and-give-you-cards-and-hugs meeting, I was listening to my new Nano (Ipod pay

it forward post coming on Tuesday) and Beastie Boys came on.
Dan wasn’t singing along with me, Kara, Alyx and Shea.

“Dad didn’t get on the Beastie Boys bandwagon in the 80′s.” I announce.
“I hate the Beastie Boys.” he admits.

Years of marriage and I did not know this about the man. Of course, it wasn’t until I got one of his social security letters a few years ago that I found out his

name wasn’t Daniel….but Danny.   But MUSICALLY, I know the man.  I didn’t know he was a hater of Beastie Boys. How could this be?

“Whaa?”
“They suck. They’re rap.” He proclaims.

Now this is where I have to ask the question: Is Beastie Boys ‘Rap’.  I see it has all the characteristics of rap music…yet it can not be categorized as such.

I switched it over to classic rock and debated what song by the Beastie Boys I would be playing at his funeral.

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13
Feb
Hello Lame Day!!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


We all hate it, but just roll with it this year people.  It’s 2009….switch it up. If you didn’t celebrate before (like me) just go out and do it…it’s sort of fun. The

kids loved their stuff!!

Tonight I’m taking my husband and friend, Megan out to dinner and then to see Friday the 13th.

Then on actual VD, I’m going to sacrifice my mental health and go to Chuckie Cheese with my friend, Ruka so she doesn’t have to be alone.
GOD, I am such a good friend.

:)

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12
Feb
To say, ‘we have some stuff going on…’ would be a massive understatment…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I realize it’s been forever since I have posted a damn thing about anything with someone in this house…
Funny things have happened here, but I’m still trying to get a grasp on how to deal with all the stuff that is going to be able to fully be able to laugh at stuff.

I had to stop the Chantix. I’m not exactly sure is one of the side effects was causing this uncomfortable problem, but I wasn’t taking any chances.   I did notice

that the taste of cigs did get a 1% less appealing, but other than that, 2 weeks of it didn’t work.  I realized that i’m not addicted to the crap IN the cig..I’m

addicted to the act of smoking.  I love smoking…the act and intimacy of it.  Can someone PLEASE invent a cig that I can smoke that won’t freaking kill me. I

will smoke freaking lettuce leaves if someone will roll it and put a damn filter on it!
I know I need ‘rules’ to smoking if I am going to quit on my own without pills or patches.  I just don’t want to swallow another pill unless it’s a vitamin….and I

don’t do patches after that one time with that one (top of the ‘most embarrassing moment’ list).   Sorry to let you all down on that one…and the whole losing

weight thing…and everything else I have managed to fail at.

I am pretty close to seeing all the stupid movies for the grammy…oscar…what the hell am I watching all these damn movies again for?

See? losing my mind.

I did clean the garage. FREAKING excited about THAT.  Throwing away about 90% of what we own!! :)

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07
Apr
Some people will find this offensive…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Shaun thought that it was hysterical.  I have to agree.  This kid can hang out with us ANYTIME!

Stuff like this NEVER happens in Rocklin…until now.  Finally someone had a sense of humor in this town!

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05
Apr
Three months in…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I woke up this morning thinking about Grandma.   She use to love her coffee.  A pot was always either sitting there or she was brewing up some.  I wonder

how many cans of Yuban that woman went through?
The thought occurred to me that she never really had a good cup of coffee.  Never had a cup of Peets or Starbucks.

My mom and I use to wish we could have one more day with my grandpa. We would talk about the things we would do.  One night I had a dream about just

that happening and I had to call my mother the next morning and tell her all that had happened.  Grandpa was pissed that we took him away from Heaven for

the day.  He was happy where he was and here we are being all selfish wanting him to do earthly things with us to make ourselves feel better.  Needless to say,

he was more of a pain in the ass in my dream that he was in real life…and that is saying a lot.
My mother and I never played the ‘what if’ game again.

Today I would like to with my grandma.

If I had one more day with my grandma I would take her for a world wind tour of coffee drinking.  She would enjoy that.  Maybe later that night I would get her

a glass of wine that didn’t come out of a big gallon jug.   I would ask her a million questions about all the things I had forgot to ask her when I should have

been paying attention.
I would ask about her first true love, what her favorite smell was, had she ever traveled anywhere outside of California.
As the night came to an end I would sit in my chair next to her rocker as we watched television and I wouldn’t roll my eyes when she talked to the people on

tv.

I wonder what it is that my children will say after I have been gone for 16 years?  Will some new camera be made that they will say, “God, remember when

mom had to shoot with that digital crap? I wish she could see this!”  or will they say, “I wish mom could have seen THIS.” as they look out on a picturesque

landscape?
My friend, Ruka made a good point when she said that they might remember how much I enjoyed things that I did get to see and do.
I guess it’s time to get to seeing and doing things.  You know…for my kids and all.

April 5, 2009 — Rode a bike for the first time in 9 years.

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04
Apr
He will never give you more than you can handle….
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Whoever came up with that cute little ditty, did NOT have a 16 year old daughter who passed her drivers test yesterday.

Yes, my little bitty Karebear is driving now.  She has her first lesson today.  I have informed all our friends and relatives that live in the area that when she is

on the road I will give them a heads up so they can stay off the sidewalk.

In my preparation for the monumental achievement I decided to take my car in and get that rattle in the front fix.  Les Shwab sucks.
“I think it’s my shocks.”
“You need new tires.”
“I think it’s my shocks.”
“You need new brakes.”
“I think it’s my shocks.”
“You need a new sway bar.”
“I THINK IT IS MY FUCKING SHOCKS!”
“It might be your shocks.”

Really? why do people not just listen to me and do exactly what I say the first time so I don’t have to go back in FOUR times before they figure out what is

wrong…after charging me a new arm for stuff that I could have fixed on my own!

It’s been a few months since I have taken a xanax for anything other than a full blown-i-am-going-to-die attack…but I might need one on Monday when I take

my keys to them and try with all that is in me to not throw them at their head!

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01
Apr
I WISH!!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I wish for something, you comment back granting me that wish and then fuck it up and then ask for your own wish.

Example:
randomandodd: I wish I could get it together.
you: GRANTED! but once you get it all together you realize it’s in boxes and on a U-haul to nowhere.  I wish I had a million dollars.
someoneelse: GRANTED! but you have to give that million to your ex-wife. i wish…

and so starts the cycle.

SO let’s start with me.

I wish I could just write the damn letter and get it over with!

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31
Mar
I’m never taking this off!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock

Scissors cut paper.
Paper covers rock.
Rock crushes lizard.
Lizard poisons Spock.
Spock smashes scissors.
Scissors decapitate lizard.
Lizard eats paper.
Paper disproves Spock.
Spock vaporizes rock.
and as always…
Rock crushes scissors.

Anyone else get this and think it’s the COOLEST thing ever? …or am I a total geek?

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29
Mar
Eh-hem.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I spent the evening at the Roller Derby.

that is all.

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22
Mar
Kara’s Sweet and Sour 16th Birthday Weekend
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


It’s hard to believe that tomorrow my first born will be 16 years old.

Shaun and I planned a trip to San Francisco for her and I a couple weeks ago. It involved one of her favorite things in the world…musicals.
I bought Wicked when it came out and made it through a few chapters before the book was misplaced and forgotten. When planning the weekend I knew she

had to go see Wicked.  It was ‘Soooo Kara’.
I was torn between wanting it to be just us and having a party for her and figured that this might be the last birthday she’ll want to spend with just her mommy.

On the way to San Francisco I talked about when I was pregnant with her and the things I ate and did.  She asked me, “Can you believe it was almost 16 years

ago?”

No. I can’t believe it. I remember the night before she was born to every detail.  My mom, dad and sister came down and we played Monopoly on our newly

bought Sega system.  That morning I was terrified of going to the hospital and be induced (she was a week late). It was raining.   A few hours later, I was a

mommy.

Sometimes it seems like it was a lifetime ago…when I think about everywhere we have been.  When she was born we were renting a home and then moved into

a small apartment until we bought our house.  We ended up moving back into the same house and when the owner decided not to sell, we started our search

for our home.  Each home we visited I tried to see what it was like to raise our new baby in that home.  It took 3 months before we found the home we are still

in.  She was two years old and I as much as I hated the look of this house, the kids playing in the court was what sold me.

The friends she made here, she is still friends with.  Katie was her first friend.  Together they would play like they were princesses.  They lived in a fantasy

world of their own.  When Kyle moved in, they got their ‘prince’.

Kara has been to three different schools.  Elementary school, middle school and now high school.  Each step along the way she has battled and fought to find

her place…each time being true to who she is.

She has been through becoming a big sister, a big sister again, a divorce, a marriage and new step family.  She has been the drama queen at times and the

rock other times.

I know we battle all the time and butt heads left and right, but raising Kara has made me the best parent I could be. She is the guiding light of parenthood for

me.  If I can live through it with Kara…the rest of the kids might turn out okay.

When Kara asks me, “Why do you love me more?”  I always say, “Because you made me a mommy.”

—Thank you, Kara

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17
Mar
iNeed iHelp
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Kara and I are spending the weekend in San Francisco this weekend for her 16th birthday.  We are going to see Wicked and then go to Alcatraz the next day.

There will be no, “My Sweet 16″ over the top birthday party for her.   This may be the last birthday she will want to spend with me so I am going to milk it for

all it’s worth.
In the summer we will plan a trip for her and a few friends to celebrate her birthday…maybe get those little brats out camping would be fun!

Anyway, it’s a 2 hour trip both ways and if I don’t have something for her to do on the itouch she’s likely to make me listen to Taylor Swift the whole way and

honestly people, if that happens, I might push her out of the car before we make it to Berkeley.
I’m going to need application suggestions. If you have free ones…that would be great!  I was thinking some trivia ones, but was overwhelmed by the amount

of them and figured I might want to ask first.
iHelp?

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16
Mar
I wish I could write this in cursive with loops and hearts
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Many of you know my little secrets.  I’ve never bought my own bra and because of it I don’t even really know what my bra size is.  I will re-dry my clothes

because I only like folding hot laundry. I’ve busted out of two pairs of jeans in the last month. I can’t pick out foundation or mascara to save my life.

I caved in the other day when I ran out of the cute little samplers that come in Estee Lauder free make-up bags my mom gives me.
Longs Drugs is my new hang out. The people that work there have all the answers to the universe.  I called them the other day because I couldn’t find my

keys…they told me to check my jacket pockets.
Last week I went in looking like hell…which isn’t out of the norm for me…and I asked, “I need mascara. I’m anti clumpy.”
The one woman looked up from stalking inventory and looked around for a supervisor before she answered, “There is this stuff.”
I felt like I was in the middle of a suburban drug deal. “Yeah.” I looked around again to see another worker moving in to the conversation.
“It’s this stuff by Loreal. It’s not clumpy, it doesn’t come off in flakes…it’s the best stuff I’ve ever used. In fact when you take it off…it comes off in one swipe.”

 She was shaking her head ‘yes’ the whole time so I knew she was talking with conviction.
The other worker came up and continued on with the description, “Look at her eyelashes! They aren’t really that long!”
Glancing back at the woman I did notice she had exceptionally long lashes and the mascara wasn’t clumpy at all.
“You put the white stuff on first, then the black.  You can sleep in it and when you wake up, it looks exactly the same. No black smudge under your eyes.”

Now these woman are just talking crazy.  For as long as I have been wearing make up, I have been waking up looking like Gene Simmons after an all nighter.

I woke up once with mascara smudges all the way to the tip of my nose.

“How do you get it off then?” I quiz them.
“Put water on your eyes, count to 30 and then wipe it off…they come off looking like strings.”

Sold.

How can you resist that?

The awesome people at Long informed me that it was too expensive to buy there and to go somewhere else to get it.  When showing me where the bottle was,

we found it was half off. 5 bucks for eyelash heaven? Double Sold.

I’m not about to claim it’s the best thing since sliced bread….noooooo…I’m claiming it’s better than toilet paper.  It’s better than Jolly Ranchers, Mint It’s-Its

and the perfect pair of flip-flops.
Those women were not shitting me when they said it comes off in ‘strings’.  When I took it off later that night I followed their instructions and low and behold.

When I put the wash cloth under the water to rinse it off it rolled right off the damn thing!  No black smudges on my washcloth!

I even tested out sleeping with it on. Woke up the next morning like one of those women on the television after being in a coma for 2 weeks, but wake up with

perfect make up.

If you’re in the market for really great mascara, I’m suggesting you get some Lorele Double Extend.  Now I’ve read some of the review and even watched a

youtube video saying it sucked and it was hard to wash off.  Wrong. Follow my instructions that were handed down to me from the wise people at Longs.

And no, I am not getting free product for talking so highly of it…but if they want to send me a box to give out, i’m willing.  And if that happens, I’m going to

review Captain Morgan Spiced Rum.

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12
Mar
Fogging up the windows and drawing pictures
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Remember in the beginning of the year I had this whole new outlook on how things were going to be in my life?  Within the first couple of weeks 2009 kicked

my ass showed me who was his bitch.  That would be me.

Honestly, the reason I haven’t written much in Random and Odd is fear of repercussion.   Whenever I write something, someone takes every thing I say and

turns it around. They also give me shit for having this place on the in the internet. They give me shit for having five minutes to sit down and write.

It reminded me of the time I thought I would make my step-son’s mother  a very nice video (when home video cameras were sort of new) of her son playing

with his daddy in our first home and she watched it and then proceeded to call us and tell us every health hazard she witnessed on the video (sliding glass

door to close to the couch…might get off couch and lose balance and fall through it. Forgot to shut the bathroom door, he might fall in the toilet. ect..)

Except…looking back on how crazy my ex-husband’s baby momma was…she was a walk a park compared to now.

You know though…my 37th birthday is coming up and there is one thing I have learned in the last twenty years and that is to say, “fuck you.  fuck that. fuck

off.”
I’ve also come to realize that if I write here or NOT write here I am still getting shit for it ….so I am going to write here.

In addition to that bullshit, this website caused my neighbors to go around and try to get my neighbors to sign a petition to make me move.  They have been

reading Random and Odd for some time and I honestly couldn’t care less because there is nothing I have said about them, anyone else or even myself that

isn’t true.
He confronted me one day and mentioned that I was making him out to be a prick on the internet.  I honestly had no clue how to respond to that because I

thought a better name had never picked.  He said he wanted to ‘sit down and talk about this.’ and I agreed. I told him to get his wife and I would get my

husband and we would sit down and talk about it.
He never called.
He has asked me if he could remove a tree because it was blocking up his pipes.  I said, ‘sure’ from the start. He removed the tree.  Haven’t really had any

problems with him since. We do fine just ignoring each other now.  As long as my dogs aren’t being harmed and the cops have stopped showing up at my

house because I have weeds growing in my backyard that are, without a doubt, normally taller than the fence…I’m happy.  Oh and when he goes out of town

and takes his dogs, because when he doesn’t…hours and hours of yapping dogs…..but truthfully that isn’t that often anymore and I have to say my dogs do

their fair share of annoying barking (thanks to the kids at the school)

I use to be that person that wanted everyone to get along.  When someone thought something of me that wasn’t true, I was hurt beyond repair.
No, i’m not perfect and I have these monumental flaws…but I don’t use people, I don’t say mean things to people out of anger or frustration, even when I have

been done wrong I will still do respectful things and I don’t feel that I am owed any favors.
The one thing I truly stand for is FAIRNESS.

Never take more than you give.

and I will finish off this post with that because I’m pretty sure my dog is tearing up toilet paper in the bathroom.

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04
May
Today…was really good.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Monday is my new BFF.

Monday means that I don’t have to wake up and think about being caught in my head for 2 whole days.
Monday is Nick doesn’t have school and can come over and help the girls with their homework.
Monday is made dinner, ate dinner and had the kitchen cleaned before 5:30 pm.
Monday is still wanting to kill the dogs, but not as bad as Sunday.

Please God, let Tuesday be as friendly as Monday was.

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03
May
You couldn’t pay me to own that one….
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I don’t want this to be my life! I don’t want to be this person I’m turning into.  As every minute passes I am getting colder and colder. Last night I thought

something to myself;  I will never trust another person for as long as I live because I believed that someone knew ME, the real me, and despite my blinding

flaws wanted to marry anyway.  He had his mountain of baggage and hidden flaws and I agreed to love him for the rest of my life.  Now it’s all bullshit.
On our wedding day the only people in our wedding party was us and our kids. We were getting married as a family. He took those vows to all of us.  He

prided himself on being there for the kids and making them laugh when they were crying.  He’s the one that is causing the tears and like an idiot-shit I am, I’m

convincing the girls that they should go hang out with him..not for them, but for him.

There are a few blessings I can find throughout the day.

I was pretty certain that I had touched on every single emotion out there, but I figured out one that I won’t be feeling … Guilt. I am not feeling guilt.  That one

isn’t mine. I will not own that one.
That shit will eat you up inside and at least I can fall asleep at night with that fiery guilt and shame coursing through my body.

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02
May
Dreams…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I’m finding that weekend mornings are the hardest.

Not wanting to get up at six am on the weekend, I turned off my phone alarms (3 of them) and hoped to sleep in.  I woke up at 6:30 am.  So much for sleeping

in.  Once I wake up, my mind is processing everything that happened the day before and what will happen today.

During the day I have control of the directions my thoughts will wander.  It’s only been 2 days that I have had that super power and there are moments when I

am unable to control it and I feel like someone gut punched me and bashed my head into the kitchen counter.  Last night I was catching up on some

unwatched Criminal Minds and there was this one where the guy comes up and just stabs the woman right in the stomach.  She doesn’t scream.  She just

walks quietly to the couch staring down at the blood and then she sits down and this look of confusion and dies.   The lack of screaming, the look of

confusion and I’m guessing the pain she was feeling was the closest thing to what I am feeling right now.

At night, when you would expect it to be harder, is a little easier.  All of the unknowns of the day have played out for you and all you have to worry about is

what will happen the next day.

Dreaming is a whole other story.  My dreams will not shut the fuck up.  The more control I have over what is going in my waking hours, the less I have when I

am sleeping.
When I woke up this morning I felt like not only was I stabbed, but drug behind a truck.
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Is not the first thing you should wake up and say. “Can I have at least ONE dream where things are freaking good and I’m not

surrounded of what is going to be the ghost of my past?”

‘Cita played me a song and the woman’s voice is haunting, but I keep repeating her words over and over when I feel like I am about to lose my mind.

Dont give up
cause you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not the only one
Dont give up
No reason to be ashamed
Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up now
Were proud of who you are
Dont give up
You know its never been easy
Don’t give up.
cause I believe theres the a place
Theres a place where we belong

I see my girls saying these words.

I’m not giving up….I’m just sitting on the couch in a dazed confusion.

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28
Apr
….
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Today marks a week that the bottom fell out of my world.

Most days, up until yesterday, I have a few hours of ‘alright’ and a half hour of ‘sucks ass’ and five minutes of ‘okay’ and then the roller coaster starts back up

at the top.

Yesterday it was more like this — Shit, Fan, Shit, Fan, Shit, Fan, Shit, Fan….

Today I was mostly a walking zombie. The only thing that reminded me that I was still alive was the fact that I was about to throw up my Special K cereal and

my violently shaking hands.  It’s now 9:30 pm and the shaking hands finally subsided, but the cereal hasn’t decided its fate yet.

Driving home from work I made the sorry mistake of going the ‘back route’ to avoid seeing the building that my husband works in. I ended up in the middle of

nowhere in some strange community.

Note to self: Buck up and take the damn freeway!

I figured out a few more things on the painful drive home.  Music still sucks.
The first thing I did was change the channel to some unfamiliar music. Jazz.  It lasted one song before I felt like Kenny G was  beating the hell out of me with

his sax.
Next was the christian channel. I changed the “Hims” or “Hes” to reference Matthew Mcconaughey.  Then realized that I now hate Matthew Mcconaughey

because…well, I don’t need a reason…I just did.
Strolling down the dial I found a station that I can listen to without fear of hearing any lyrics that will tap in the well of emotions.
Latin Hip Hop with a Techo edge.

It being so close to May 5th, the commercials were rather entertaining.  MUCHO MUCHO MOOOOCHO!  Everything is really big in the spanish/latin community

huh?
Or that was the only word other than Tequila that I understood.

I can handle that. Driving home from work won’t be so hard tomorrow.  Freeway and the Spanish Version of Moby and the Jonas Brothers.

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27
Apr
Stuck in a Moment
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Today went well. Well, for a roller coaster it went well.

I spent hours and hours talking to Kara last night.  It’s hard to talk to your daughter and keep that fine line of what you can say and can’t say.
I have friends that I can pour my heart out to and tell them what I think and I remember that when we are talking and I need to keep the focus on what she is

going through and how to get herself together.
Last night was a graceful ballet of making sure she remains strong, but knows it’s okay to break down.  It’s my job to just listen.
It was so much more about the person she was and not the person she is. It was heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time.

I woke up for work feeling really tired.

I learned a few things on my way to and from work, allow me to share them with you…

1. If there is a red light…I will hit it.
2. If there is a car going UNDER the speed limit, I will be stuck behind it.
3. Morning radio DJ’s…they need their vocal cords ripped out.
4. Afternoon radio is programed for people who have had their hearts broken into 5000 pieces.
5. It’s not as easy as it looks to throw yourself out of a moving vehicle at 40 mph.

—and that is all for today.

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26
Apr
I’m actually IN this picture!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: GYOW

I woke up yesterday and HAD to get out of this house.  Being caught in my own head is bad enough, but to be caught in this house where around every corner

is a memory that rips at my insides was something I had to escape.

I grabbed a friend and my family and drug them to Yosemite with me.
Two months ago I got a book from the library about Yosemite and have been re-checking it out so I could read the whole thing.  After the six months of

sickness-hell, I am hell bent on making up for lost time. Yosemite was on my list of places I was going to see.

The word, awesome, is being used a lot, but when I say it right now…I mean…I was in awe. It was awesome. It was a bitter-sweet escape from my head. I’m

sure every experience will be like that for a very long time.
I don’t think, unless you’ve been there, you can grasp the enormity of this place. You pull over and walk around and you think you’ve seen it all…and then

you pull ahead about 40 feet and your in a whole new place that doesn’t look anything like where you just were.
The waterfalls were captivating. I sat on a picnic bench with chipmunks, birds and ducks walking around and watched the wind catch the water. It was like

watching a sheer curtain blowing around.  Awesome.
Everything was just…wow.

Tomorrow I start my first day at my new job.   I’m am jumping into this with 100% optimism.  This is exactly what I need. Getting my head into a new place

and pulling this around me like a superwoman cape.

Clearly, this is whole thing is all new to me. I’m in a place that you have all probably been in once or twice.
I’m going to be honest with myself through this whole thing and try to be as graceful as I possibly can. I will be writing about what I am feeling, what I am

going through and how I am getting through this whole thing.
Some days will be better than others. Some days I probably won’t like what I have to write to get it out of me.
I could easily  delete Random and Odd. I could then open another blog as a whole new person and start fresh and be able to write whatever I feel. I won’t be

doing that.  Sorry.

Yosemite was an escape.  Looking at my surroundings and knowing how many years those trees were standing there and how year after year water runs down

and makes a beautiful view.  Millions of people have walked the same trails and stood there in awe, It was exactly what I needed to do.  Get out of my head, get

somewhere else.

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22
Apr
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I’m going to start this post with a plead for kindness and understanding for my children.
As you all probably all by now…my marriage has come to its end.

We are all in terrible amounts of pain right now.  Each of us trying to grab a hold of some sort of sanity.  It feels surreal and we all keep hoping to wake up

from this horrible nightmare.  Not a minute goes by that I don’t say, “Wow. This is happening. This is what my life is right now.”  I want to grab all of my

thoughts and memories and hold them close to myself and not let it all slip away.

Sadly, for my children, it is slipping away and no matter how many tears we collectively cry it’s not going to mend the broken hearts of the 7 people involved.

This is all still very fresh and very raw so I am going to ask a few favors and hope that people can respect them:

If you see me or my children on the street or around town, please don’t glare, snicker or be mean.  Please, for my children. I just want to start over and have a

safe place for my children to heal and feel welcome.  You don’t have to bring a casserole or be my new best friend…just try to be a little bit understanding of

all the pain we are going through right now.

Please no mean comments.  Kara is having a really hard time getting through this and we are doing our best to not point fingers.  I know it easy to try to make

someone else feel better by bashing the other person, but that is not what we are doing or allowing.
If you want to leave a comment, please be respectful to each child and adult that is reading this and be reminded that all of us are broken.

I want to thank all my friends and virtual friends for all the strength, prayers and words of encouragement. Thank you, Megan for not allowing me to be alone.

Thank you Nancy for everything you continue to do….your friendship astounds me. Thank you Dan for being the person you are…our friendship through the

last 19 or 20 years has been a blessing.

As far as the business goes, we are working through the details.  If my friendship with Dan is any clue to how much a friendship through a divorce means to

me, then we should be able to iron out what needs to be done and it will work itself out.

I start my job Monday morning.

This was never a post I ever wanted to write.  I never thought I would.

My heart is broken in a million pieces and I don’t feel like my world will ever be the same.   I know it will someday be better, but right now…

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22
Apr
Someone…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Please remind me to eat something today.

If at any point I start looking pale, remind me how to breath again.

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20
Apr
tripping out!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


This is Kara and her best friend, Avery at the last dance they went to this weekend.

I decided to pull up their FIRST dance at the end of their 6th grade year….



Now how did this happen? How and when did they grow up and I miss it?

*sigh*

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09
Apr
Alyx 1 – Mom 0
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: alyx
Having already gone through raising two 12 year old girls, I figured Alyx would be the same.  Boy crazy, school is only for socializing and ignoring my

parental demands.  She isn’t like most 12 year olds.  Boys are an after thought, school is for socializing, but it’s also about getting good grades and go figure

she listens to me when I tell her do something and not once has she rolled her eyes.

She’s also about questioning absolutely everything.  She also has a very firm opinion on everything.

The other day she noted I was not wearing underwear.
“Oh God, that could be the grossest thing in the whole wide world.” She started to lose color in her face.
“Alyx, i’m wearing yoga sweats, it’s not that big of a deal. It’s more comfortable.”  I point out, while realizing i’ve never done yoga in my life, but enjoy the

comfort of those damn sweats more than my own car.
“Mom, put on a pair of underwear. It’s so ghetto that you’re not wearing any!” She puts her foot down and I just smile at her and go about my cleaning.

About an hour later I call her into my room to gather her folded laundry.  “Alyx is this your bottom sheet?”
“Uh. Yeah. I don’t need it though because I lay on top of my bedding and use my comforter.”
“No, you’re going to put the bottom sheet on your bed. It’s where it belongs and contrary to popular belief, we are not white trash.”
“I don’t need it though. It’s comfortable without it.”
“Put it on your bed!”
“How is this ANY different than you not wearing underwear?”

I had to hurry up and high tale it into my closet before I burst into laughter.

“Well mom? Do I have to put this sheet no my bed?” I can hear her snickering.
“Get out of my room, Alyx…you win this one…but don’t you dare start gloating!”

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10
Jun
You know that thing I said I would never do?
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I’M DOING IT!!!

I really need to stop driving home from work because it’s in that hour drive that I get those wild hairs!   First the motorcycle and now this.

AND NOW THIS!! OMG… Fuh-REAKING out excited.

I’m not in the waiting room. I’m not missing a damn thing, baby!

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09
Jun
YEeeeeeahhh.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Three mutha fuckin’ miles!

How did people run before ipods? at two miles I was bored out of my mind! Dixie Chicks actually pulled me through. The last mile one of the boys joined me

and pushed me to finish.

Oh and by the way, texting and running is not a good idea. I started in the middle of the track and somehow ended up taking a digger into the cement runner

along the track!  Oh, and if you do get a text from me that says, ‘doo usrkd ick’, it means, “no, i’m not home yet. i will text you after i stretch out and smoke a

cig.’ and ‘der’ means, “LOL, that’s funny, now leave me alone and quit making my phone vibrate in my sports bra!”

Note to self: 1. go pee before you leave. 2. the track on the right side is fully flooded by 9:47pm. 3. When you hear someone yelling at you to slow down for a

second, it’s not a mass murderer and there is no reason to scream like a ninny and run faster.

Running is still moronic, but I’m starting to like it. Shut up.

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09
Jun
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: GYOW, journey


I had to reset all my passwords and like a total dork, forgot them.
It took a few hours, but I found them and now I can’t remember what it was that I was going to say.

In the great delete of 2009 (deleted 19, 873 pictures) I also deleted all my mail.  I now have lost all the requests for the other place I write at. Soooo, if you’re

mad at me for not giving you the email…just email me again.

Things are going alright. My weekends are busy as I realized that being at home is what I would guess HELL feels like.

Cita and I found this awesome place to go have breakfast on the weekends and I would give my left arm to not miss it.

I booked a rafting trip in a few weeks.  Every time I have gone I have enjoyed myself so much and that is exactly what I want.

Ruka is killing me with her, “I’m going run THIS …and this…and THIS one too!”  so I am having to train harder and harder to keep up with her.  So far she

has two she’s running and that means, I have two I am following her in.
Two miles a night isn’t bad, but according to this person I run with  that I met about 2 weeks ago, “You have to push through to the fourth mile! Tonight we

shall run HILLS!”  This is coming from someone who had knee surgery recently so I can’t exactly complain, “Yeah, well my heart was ripped out of my chest

and stomped flat.” without feeling like a wussy, so I keep running.  How that person keeps talking during running, I will be glad to know.

It’s strange when you start running you realize how many other people do it too.  Honestly, I think it’s the most moronic thing in the world. I run. I run. I run. I

don’t get anywhere.  Last week I was tempted to not go, but I realized it wasn’t the running I needed, but the structure of doing it every night.  Oh, and I run

like a girl. A girl with no balance what so ever. I actually SWERVE while running.  Last night I tripped over a dog.  True words. Not just saying that to make

you laugh. Big Doberman got in my way.

Work is going good. The drive is a pain in the ass.  I have moved on from the Spanish stations to music on my Ipod (thanks Maria for the charger!).  There is

music I still don’t listen to, but that might come back in time. It’s still the angry, I hate you, die, die, die variety, but at least I understand what they are saying.

AND OH MY GOD…I rode the motorcycle again!  I had my first lesson in actually driving it myself.
Wanna hear my progress? Good. I can start it, put it in gear, stand it up right.

Next up, getting brave enough to put the kickstand up.

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02
Jun
Kara is killing me!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
We went to the bank yesterday to open her a bank account and while we were waiting for the woman to finish up we followed Alyx and Shea’s suit and played

“Rock, Paper, Scissors.”  She said, “Not lizard and Spock though…I don’t know how that one works!”

I insisted I would tell her the truth.  I threw Spock, she threw rock.  “I win.”  She raised her eyebrows at me and I instantly began to look guilty. “MOM! You

could say that every time and I wouldn’t know!”
We laughed and decided to play again.

“ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS, LIZARD, SPOCK!”  and Kara throws her hands into prayer and says, “JESUS.”
“What? You can’t throw Jesus!” I laugh.
“Mom, Jesus trumps your Lizard. Jesus trumps everything.”
“Noooooo….Lizard bites Jesus. Jesus dies.”  I look triumphantly at her.
She smirks at me, “Jesus dies, but comes back three days later.”

Damn.  Now we have to wait three days to see who wins.

I’m going throw Darwin! hee hee.

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20
May
Dead Body Found
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: GYOW
There was a dead body found by the dumpsters by my work today.

Shaun’s not answering his texts.

I swear to God I didn’t do it!

:)

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17
May
Thank you….
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: GYOW
Thanks for all the emails and password requests.

I’ve decided to open a different blog all together.  Random and Odd isn’t leaving and I will update it with REALLY lame stuff that will bore you all to tears…

stupid information like, “Kara drove all the way to Redding and back and we only ran over 5 elders leaving a church.”  You know…stuff like that.

There has been many requests for the URL of the new blog.  As soon as I feel comfortable enough to share I am going to pass that information on to another

blogger that we all know and love and she’s going to give it out.

Flickr was deleted and I opened a different account with the latest pictures.  Again, I will pass that information on.

I’m sure there are some very sly bloggers/friends that can find me without a problem…if that’s the case, you’ve earned that right….read on, enjoy and

comment.

I love you all…well, I love the ones of you that I love and you know who you are….yes, you…and you too…NO, not you, go away!

Responding to the emails that were sent will have to be done sometime this week. I’m not ignoring you! I promise.

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13
May
Flickr…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Deleted my Flickr account.

Random and Odd isn’t going anywhere, but don’t expect anything here.

Most everything will be password protected from here on out.

Please email me at randomandodd@gmail.com if you have any questions.

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11
May
*sigh*
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: GYOW
You know that saying, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” ?  Yeah, that person that came up with that saying can suck it!

The shock wore off. The denial has worn off. The pissed off phase kicked in about an hour ago when I had to spend 4 hours of my life removing four years of

emails and pictures from the computer, my daughter crying hysterically because she didn’t get her math homework done because she didn’t ‘get it’, the dog

barfed up 6 quarts of cheap dog food and I saw a video of my life when we were laughing and happy.

This sucks. I am angry. I am pissed. I am horrible.

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07
May
“good times are coming, Kristine….good times are a comin’.”
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: friends, GYOW
Today wasn’t one of the better days. In fact, at the end of the day on the way home I decided it was time to just lose it.  I cried the whole hour plus on the way

home.  I’m sure if you were one of the many unfortunate souls that had to drive next to me, you would be thinking I had just lost a whole football team in a

tragic plane crash.
It wasn’t just the tears that were streaming down my face, but the body shaking sobbing that accompanied the tears.

I questioned every thing I have ever said or done in the last seven years of my life.

As I approached the entrance to the freeway, I decided to take the long way home.  Dan had called and said he had picked up the girls and was taking them to

karate.  The house would be empty when I got there and the depression that I had not experienced in nearly a year came flooding back with a vengeance.
It was then I decided I was going to take a left and go my old stomping ground; an old folks bar that had one time been my second home.   Surrounding

myself with strangers that could look at my life and giggle and say, “Sweetie, you haven’t seen anything until you’ve survived the depression, wars or putting

your parents to their final resting place.”  sounded exactly like what I needed.  It was the place you go where everyone knows your name. “The Tree”.

As I walked in through the back doors, I still had tears in my eyes and my make up was on its last legs.  Across the bar I saw what I can only describe as a

figment of my imagination.  He stood up and the smile on his face assured me that it wasn’t a figment, but God’s way of saying, “I know things are hard right

now, here…this is for you.”   I walked around the bar into the open arms of a friend I haven’t seen in probably eight years.
“WHAT IS UP!?” He sat me down and saw that I had lost my spirit and the string that was holding me together had clearly snapped.
“My husband left me and my whole world sucks balls!” I sobbed out.  He then laughed at me.
“Well, you’re done crying.”  He laughed again and ordered my drink that I wasn’t going to drink.

We spent the next five minutes in the smoking section where I sat in awe as he made me laugh at the old times we had been the best of friends.
I grabbed my phone and said, “This isn’t right until we have our other friend here.”  I called up the third part of our three musketeers and he said, “I’m on my

way.”

If you would have told me an hour before I would be laughing so hard I had to spit my drink out, I would have never believed it.  There are no words that

could have consoled me.
We gathered the last part of group and things were finally complete.

“We got the band back together!”  He laughed with us.

The odds of me finally snapping, turning my truck into the old stomping ground, him being in from out of town and  our other friends able to set everything

aside to get together for two whole hours was not a sign from God that everything is going to be alright….it was a billboard.
I had lost my faith on my way home today.  In that poem it says, “I was walking along with you the whole way.” but sometimes it’s hard to see the footprints

when the waves are crashing around your feet.  Tonight I saw all the footsteps.  I thanked God on the way home. I thanked him for not just being there for me

right now, but for showing me he was there.

Do I believe that because I had a chance encounter with an old friend that things are going to be alright and we are all going to be able to hang out and we are

all going to be there to heal each other again?  No.  We all have our own lives to live and that time years ago when we were best of friends, we were healing

each other from the disasters that we were in the middle of.  Things have changed and we all grew up.
For two hours though, it was as if the seven years we were had been apart were never there.  All the same jokes and one liners were caught and delivered

flawlessly.   We fell into the  place where we all felt like no matter what happens next we were all okay with.
Friendships were mended and hope was restored.

For two hours I laughed.   I laughed on a day when I thought I would never be able to laugh again.

My friends said, “Good things are coming, Kristine. Good things.”

I believe it.

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05
May
Good Day, Bad Day, Good Day, Bad Day…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: GYOW
That drive home is killing me.  That is way too much time in my own head to think about things.

I did smile when I saw this old man out on the side of the road playing catch with his two labs.  I can still smile at the small things and the joy of an old man

still able to care enough to still go out and toss a ball for his dogs was something that made me realize that I’m not going to be that person who I was before.

I’ve changed in the last 7 years. I have found that I can be pushed to the limits that no woman should ever be pushed and asked to do things that no one

should ever consider doing.  During those times, I not only went above what anyone else would have done, but thrived and learned from it.

Van Morrison was my on my playlist on the way home today.  Bright side of the road.  I love that song. It got me through a hard time in my past and I was

hoping it would make me feel better today.  It ‘sorta’ did.  He says, “help me share my load..” and I realized, I don’t want help.  I didn’t want help before, but I

allowed it.  This time around, I don’t want to share this load of mine. This is the rest of my life….MY life.
“Warm Love” was the song that sealed the deal.  There is love everywhere around us.  That old man and his dogs. My daughter sitting on the couch smiling

up at me from her math book…smiling even though she’s confused and scared. My dumb dog that escapes every time the door is opened.  My friends calling

and leaving me messages.
There is love all around me and I will enjoy that love. I do not need my own.

Today, I’m going to be okay.

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13
Jul
It’s time for an update…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I’m working on revamping R & O.  The first part is nearly done as you can see. It’s not exactly the way I want it, but it will do.

Next up is the 50 things about me.

I need your help.  You all know me…suggestions please :)

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12
Jul
Camping Trip 09
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: friends, GYOW, Random


In February of this year when I could finally leave the house without fear that my bladder would explode or decide to shut down on me, I started planning

various trips.
The library gave me many good ideas. Yosemite, walking trails, San Francisco and a couple on camping.  YES! I could go camping!
I googled, I plan advisored, I read the local campsite reviews on a daily basis.  After a few days I decided we would take our family to Rollin’s Lake.  They had

everything we would need.

…and then the world came crashing in.

When all the plans I had made for my life came to the forefront of my mind, the camping trip was a big one, “DEAR GOD! I ALREADY PAID FOR MY CAMPING

TRIP IN JULY!”
Megan and Nancy took turns making sure I wasn’t alone those first couple of days. It happened to be the changing of the guards when I envisioned camping

all by myself.
Over a short period of time, they had learned to communicate through glances and slight hand movements as to not spook me.  I saw Nancy grimace and

look at Megan for help.
“We will go!” Megan offered.
“Yeah, you guys can go.” Nancy is, hands down, an awesome friend…but she doesn’t camp. Her camping involves free bottles of soap and fresh towels in the

morning. You can’t wrong her for that.

As the days passed and I found myself doing all the things I planned to do…I started to get excited about the camping trip.

On Friday I packed up all my gear; my lantern, stove, mummy bag, tent, air mattress, hammock and the kitchen sink.  We headed out to Rollin’s Lake with 2

packed cars, 3 adults and 5 kids.

How was it?

AWESOME.

The first night I made my way to the kids tent, narrowly avoiding falling down the hill. Once inside I changed my clothing and grabbed the zipper to let myself

out.  I zipped the screen. I zipped the main flap. It did not open. I grabbed the zipper and slid it over and then grabbed the other zipper and slid it down to the

first one. Nothing…i’m STILL in the tent and it’s no closer to being open.
“how the fuck?” I try the zippers again with the same result. “are you freaking kidding me?” ONE MORE TIME.  Same thing.
“Kaaaaaraa!!!”
The embarrassment of having to ask my daughter to get me  out of the tent is up there on the charts.  This won’t seem so bad when she’s changing my

diapers when I am 98 years old, but right now…it just sucks.

We ended the night with S’mores. I didn’t even hesitate when I made one for myself. It has been since the middle of March since I have ate chocolate. I was

oddly proud of that fact.
Megan’s son ate his own body weight in chocolate and talked non-stop for 4 solid hours. Scott would randomly say, “7 seconds of silence please.”  we would

turn down the stereo and listen to him in the tent with the girls telling stories about how his Dad’s house was eaten by bears and that he had only a t-shirt and

underwear to his name.

Saturday morning I was awoken with what I can only describe as low flying pterodactyls.  After that, things can only get better.

That afternoon was spent floating on the water and watching people zoom by on their wakeboards. We would all look at each other and silently wish we were

either in the boat or gliding behind it.  I had to remind myself that even though I wasn’t on a nice boat, I was healthy enough to be out of the house and

exactly where I wanted to be.

Walking back to the campground it started to rain. IN JULY. I was tempted to yell out, “IS THAT ALL YOU’VE GOT!?” but didn’t want to piss off the god of rain

and start a monsoon.  “I am not trippin’ on the rain. No stress. It’s just water falling from the sky.”  I was trying to remember if I packed the cover for the top

of my tent and sad that I wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep staring up at the stars like I did the night before.  The rain stopped and the blue skies peeked

around the trees. “thank you, rain god.”

We found out that modern technology is a good thing when needing to call to check on the dogs…not so good when your teenagers had google at their

fingertips and found out that snipe hunting was nothing but a practical joke.

That afternoon, Shea asked if she could ‘cuddle’ with me at night, and I was excited to be camping with her for the first time she could remember. “Of course,

Princess!”
I never realized what a cuddle bug she was. She snuggled in right next to me and as we were starting to tell stories, I fell asleep.

Sunday morning I woke up to more rain and decided to just stay in my tent until it was gone and when I got up I wouldn’t complain too much about the mud.

Strange as it sounds, the only sign of rain was the drops on our cars.   We packed pretty quickly and headed home.

Now I had said this on my facebook page, —skydiving, scuba diving and sex don’t beat a hot shower after 3 days of camping.  I was flooded with, “then you’re

not having sex right!” to which I responded, “then you’re not camping right!”
I swear when I got into the shower today I was shocked by the amount of red dirt that filled the bottom of the tub.  When I shaved my legs, I had more dirt than

hair come off in the razor!
When I took my ponytail out, my hair didn’t even have the courtesy of falling down! It stayed there until I got it wet, and when I did I could smell campfire and

bacon grease!

Now the weekend is over, the girls are mom’ed out and went to stay with their daddy.

I’m hoping the unloading fairies come to my house and unpack my truck.  I’m not thinking it’s going to  happen, but a girl can hope.

So, many of you have asked, “What’s next?”

Thursday I have my wind tunnel training.  A trip to the ocean. 2 weekends of AFF training so I can sign off to jump out of a plane without my instructor there

with me.  A rafting trip down the Truckee river. Another weekend of jumping out of planes. A trip to Oregon (crossing fingers) to run a 5k.
Then I am going to spend the next 4 weeks looking for 2 more jobs to pay for all of it ;)

My life…is good.

Comments (7)  //  Add Comment
05
Jul
Okay…Okay..
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I’m in the process of writing my post, but I got pulled into a conversation and lost track of what I was writing and now I am itching to get out of the house so I

will have to finish it later.
I went sky diving again all weekend…the people, the drop zone, the company, the stories, the everything is beautiful and I am finally feeling something I have

never felt in my whole life…freedom. I have finally FINALLY figured it out.

Get it in where you fit in. I finally found where my heart and soul feel the safest.  The funny part, it’s at 13,000 feet.

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03
Jul
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
That would be a high pitched girly scream of excitement.

Wednesday sucked fucking ass…Thursday my world flipped right back over and guess what?  I CAN’T TELL YOU!!

Soon.

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29
Jun
Cut my hair and change my name!!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: GYOW, journey


I am having more fun trying to push myself farther and farther.
On Sunday I headed out to the drop zone to meet up with Natalie and Kim to do our 2nd dive that weekend.  It would be my third dive in total.

After my second jump from the plane I hurt myself. I don’t know what I did to cause me to lose feeling in my right hand, but I dealt with it so I could pull the

chute and learn the navigation in.  It was more annoying than painful.
In the second jump there was more for me to learn and Jeff wasn’t going to let some stinking pinched nerve get me out of what he had to teach me.  “Lets

gets the direction of the wind and find the drop zone.”  I turned the chute around to the East and felt our bodies stop moving.  “got it.”  I looked around to

find the drop zone and was disappointed that it was that close. I wanted to be way far away so I could spend more time in the air.   Being cute and adorable I

recited the t-shirt I had been reading all weekend, “Jeff…swooping is not a crime.”  He laughed and showed me how to swoop.  My body responded to the

spinning and diving and I couldn’t control my child like giggling.  “Oh man, you are trouble!”  I think he might have a sense of relief that he isn’t going to be

my AFF instructor!!  He did agree that after I am certified he will dive with me.  I’m sad that he won’t be strapped to my back anymore after this, but grateful

that he was so professional and fun and was insistent about making sure that each dive I learned something and mastered it.

This last month has been one of the best things that ever happened to me.  It feels like all the things that mattered before are just slipping away. I can’t tell

you how many times I’ve said, “I don’t care…whatever…that shit don’t matter anymore.” And I’ve realized how important it is to have boundaries in my life.

I’ve spent too much time letting people be a part of my life without boundaries.  I’m not angry at people because the life I had before because I didn’t show

people how I wanted to be treated.  That would have required me knowing what really mattered.

So what matters now?  Being honest with everything that I am feeling. Being present in every single minute of this life. Not even thinking about the ‘what ifs’.

Laughter caused by being alive.  God that laughter is fantastic!  Just letting go.

I believe that this July would be rough.  It marks the month that I got very sick. It also marks my anniversary and also our first marriage counseling meeting.

After the month of June being what it has and all that I have done and seen…July is just another month.  Do I expect a phone call or an “i’m sorry”?  No. Do I

care? Not really.  He didn’t.  And I have never been more grateful that someone could care less about the outcome of our life together. So grateful!!

From July 2nd 2009 to December 28th 2009: I promise to myself, my kids and my friends to make up for those exact dates from last year.  All the stuff that has

happened in the last few months was just getting us to this point.

Comments (15)  //  Add Comment
28
Jun
I’m on top *hee hee*
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: GYOW


I wrote a post about going scuba diving last weekend and wordpress ate the whole thing.
Trip Log:
4am: Leave for Monterey
8am: Get on boat to go scuba diving.
8:30am: arrive at first dive spot. Listen to dive master run  his mouth for 30 minutes while in full body wet suit and 30lbs of weights.
9:00am: Ruka and Lester get in water.
9:04am: Ruka and Lester get out of water.
9:05am: Dan gets into water.
9:07am: Kristine gets into water.
9:08am: Dan gets out of water.

Ruka got sick and Dan said he needed a refresher course before he felt comfortable diving.

So I went down sans a dive buddy to 72 feet for 14 minutes.  Freaking awesome!

That was LAST weekend.

This weekend has been a little more crazy.  Saturday went on my 2nd jump (sky diving) and I get a call  asking if  want to go again this morning.  Ohhh,

without a shadow of a doubt I do.
Should I even tell you that we lost two jumpers yesterday about 10 minutes before I got there?  Their chutes got wrapped up. *sigh*  It was a sad day at the

drop zone, but it clearly didn’t stop the old jumpers…or this new one.  ‘Cita went with me and she is just as hooked as I am.
I called her husband this morning and said, “Ask ‘Cita if she wants to go again today” and he said, “Are you fucking crazy?”

You know…I have been getting that question posed to me on a daily basis for the last month.

I finally have a good answer to the question: Why would I jump out of a perfectly good airplane? because the door was open.

Heading out to jump again!!!  Yes, crazy….crazy GOOD.

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27
Jun
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random



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19
Jun
Corvettes and Young Chicks…bring it on!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: GYOW


At 5:41 am tomorrow the sun is going to rise in California.
I have always enjoyed watching the sun rise, but with insomnia it was more of a reminder of my inability to allow myself to fall asleep.  Wait, I just reread what

I wrote.  Let me clarify; Enjoying watching the sun rise and enjoying having to be up that ungodly hour is two totally different things.
When it’s because you’re headed somewhere to do something you love…heaven! When it’s because you spent the whole night on the phone with someone

your getting to know better…awesome!  When it’s because your newborn was up crying all night…heartbreaking.

For me, it’s because I am going somewhere to do something I love.  When the sun rises tomorrow morning I will be sitting in the back of a car with one of my

wonderful friends that I have known a life time, camera in hand with a goofy, excited grin.

It’s been said to me on Facebook that I am a 50 year old man going through a midlife crisis that I am doing so much at a break neck speed.  If that’s the case,

bring on the Corvette and young chicks because I have no plans to slow down!

Rumi wrote something that has been running through my head since I decided to live this part of my life for myself:

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.

I remember the alive feeling I had when I lost my mind all those years ago.  I was feeling so many different things that I had never thought I would feel again.

The sad part was it was mixed with guilt and shame of what I was doing to the people I loved. It was a bittersweet freedom that I was holding on to with both

hands.   The heartbreak I was causing mingling with the joy of feeling totally alive was causing me to not be able to sit alone with myself and I couldn’t allow

myself that joy.  The guilt had won and even though I didn’t go back to the old life, I did fall back asleep and pushed aside the bees and butterflies that had

taken up residence in my stomach.

This time around, I am having to find that awake feeling instead of it being thrust at me.  First was the spontaneous trip to Yosemite.  That was more for me to

be able to get out of the house that the ghosts of my life were walking around in. I couldn’t stand to be here. I kept waiting for my step kids to burst into the

room with a question or to look over and see my husband sitting at the computer working on some sort of design.  Every thing in this house was haunting me

and the only way to get out of my head was to drive.   When I got there, I sat in my own silence and the hurt of knowing that it wasn’t the same without them

there was painful, but I realized that even though I was there without half of my family, It didn’t kill me.  I was going to have to make new memories without

them.
The last few weeks have been whirlwind for me.
Every Wednesday on my way home from work, something catches my attention and I decide, “I need to try that!”
1. Get on a motorcycle again. 2. Jump out of a plane.  and this last one was this Wednesday’s bright idea….
3. Go scuba diving.

Hopefully this is just the start of the many new memories I will make.  Dan is nearly finished with the Ninja and I will take my first lessons through the county

on how to ride by myself.  Next weekend is my second of 7 sky dives before I can begin to start jumping out of a plane without a man strapped to my back.

So tomorrow when the sun is rising in California I will be half way to Monterey to go jump off a boat in a 77mm wet suit, BC and Reg with a tank of air and a

dive buddy.

This new life suits me well. I won’t be going back sleep anytime soon.

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14
Jun
I did it. I freaking DID IT!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: GYOW, journey

3 girls. 1 new me.

On Wednesday I was driving home from work and thought that another ride on the motorcycle might be fun, but then realized it wasn’t as thrilling as it could

be if I actually drove it myself.  Knowing I have to wait for the Ninja to be finished, there was going to be no way that Dan would let me actually drive off on his

bike, I tried to think of something as fun.
Maybe it was the way the sun was shining through the windshield or a song on the radio, but I said out loud, “I’m jumping out of a plane.”

About 14 years ago I paid for Dan to go ski diving. I knew for a week he was going and I decided to make it a surprise. Each time I thought about him doing it,

it made me physically ill.  The first thought was the plane so far in the sky and then my stomach would lurch thinking about him jumping out of it.  The hours

before his jump my head was spinning and I was sure that he would die and leave me a widow.  When it was over, he was smiling and swearing he would do it

again.  He made it out alive and in my opinion, he was NEVER going to put me through that again.

I picked up the phone and started to call Dan to see if he would want to go with me. Wait! What if something happened to both of us? Who would raise the

kids? Bad idea. Let’s call…and I went through my phone list.  NO ONE would jump with me.
“Are you freaking nuts?” “OH HELL NO!” “Seriously, are you retarded?”  Cita was the only one that said she might go.
Okay then. I shall go on my own!
I found out that a friend of Ruka and mine was going to be in town for the weekend.
“Nat, you wanna jump out of a plane with me on Sunday?”
“ABSOLUTELY!”  I waited for the “not” to follow and when it didn’t I squeeeeeeled with excitement. I was certain she might puss out on me, but I put down the

25 bucks to do it anyway.

For 4 straight days I had that nervous excitement stirring in my stomach. “Holy shit. What am I thinking?” would cross my mind about 5 times a day.  Each

time it would be followed up with a big grin and a burst of laughter. “I’m DOING IT!”

This morning when the alarm went off, I grabbed the nearest clothes and asked the girls if they wanted to go.
“Mom it’s 6 in the morning….we will watch the video when you get home!” the little ones said.
I’ve never seen Kara move so fast, “I’m not missing this!”

I was waiting for the normal Kristine to surface and talk this crazy Kristine out of this madness.  I guess at six in the morning, crazy Kristine runs the show.

We got to the airport and joined our class for the hour of instructions.  I can break down the instructions to 15 seconds:
1. Arch your body when you jump and deploy the chute.
2. Tuck your legs in.
3. Hold on to your harness when you jump.
4. When you get to 6,500 feet, pull the cord.
5. Smile.
Out of the five things on that list you will only remember one. Smile.

We got to our gear on. I heard my instructor tell me the five things again and I shook my head as if I was really listening to what he was saying. “Got it. arch,

hold on, tuck, smile. LETS GO!”
The plane was going to be the biggest obstacle to this whole ordeal. Here was a plane on the ground. The plane was going to go way up in the air. We were

going to leave the plane behind. STUPID.
I got on the plane and waited for the, “tell me there is a bathroom I can go to and hurl in.” moment. It never came.
Then the door opened at 13,000 feet.
“Someone opened the fucking door!” I state the obvious to the people on the plane.
“That’s part of what you pay for.” Natalie’s adorable instructor laughed. “She said that you’re going first.”
Damn right I was.

I eagerly made my way to the huge hole in the side of the plane, put on my goofy goggles, grabbed my harness and jumped out of the plane.
Waiting…waiting…waiting…where was that feeling in my stomach?  It wasn’t there.  No Fear. I had none. I was just falling and it was the most beautiful feeling

I have ever felt in my whole life.  The world was spinning around and around and I was trying to do everything in my power to not start laughing.  HOLY SHIT,

I just jumped out of a plane! Every time I thought about it, I would smile and all the air in the world would rush into my mouth.

My instructor tapped my hand to remind me to check where we were. We were already at 7,000 feet and in less than a few seconds I would have to end the fun

and pull the cord that would save my life.
I reached down and when I thought I had no strength left inside of my body, I pulled the cord and all the sound fell away and I was floating.

“Well?” my instructor leaned in. “were you scared?”
“Not even for a second!” I needed an explanation for this madness!
“Oh no…you know what that means?  You’re one of us.”  He explained to me that there are people that will jump once or twice in their life. They would show

the video to anyone that will watch it and then be able to say they went ski diving.  Then there was people like me that will spend all their spare time getting

certified so they could dive alone.
That thought gave me that butterfly feeling. “YES!”

Ski diving was my biggest fear in the world. It’s stupid, reckless, immature. Why would anyone even think of jumping out of a perfectly good airplane?
Now I truly feel there isn’t a thing in this world I can’t do.
I’m going back in 2 weeks to do it again. ‘Cita is joining me. Nat is flying from Portland again to do it too.

I was re-reading my 2009 goals: “Once upon a time there was this woman who loved her life…let’s go find her again. If we can’t find that woman, let’s fall in

love with the new woman that is on her adventure to get back to good.”

Forget that woman...this woman is so much more amazing and I am falling more in love with her every single day!

Click here to watch my video

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14
Jun
The sky is the limit.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Just in case I hit the earth at 233 miles an hour because the chute didn’t open:

1. Drain my body of whatever fluids are left and bury me in the skinny jeans I have hanging in my closet.
2. My daughters: My only purpose in life to was to keep you off the pole. Finish school then finish college.
3. My stuff is all lame, so come over and grab what you want.
4. Bury me with the D300.
5. I love you. I will always love you.

Alrighty then.  I’m ready for this.

Oh, and I wanted the last potential picture of me to be one where I look like I am standing next to Robert DeNiro.

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10
Aug
Because Heather needs a challenge ;)
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Heather,

You think you can make this into a sticker?

For those of you needing bad ass bumper stickers, leave a comment because Heather can make ANYTHING! She’s awesome to the core!

Kristine

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02
Aug
Baby girl is doing GREAT!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Shea didn’t want to go to Santa Cruz this weekend because the car I rented was too fast.
I sat her down and said, “Baby, I don’t want you to ever miss a thing because you were too scared. I promise I will not make you ride anything and I will sit

there with you while your sisters go on stuff. Just try.”

She did try.  She is afraid of things that move too fast or up too high.  She will fist fight with  a bear, but won’t get on a step ladder.  She went on the sky

coaster that goes over the whole boardwalk. THIS IS HUGE for her! HUGE!
Then Alyx convinced her to go on the ferris wheel!  Up high and moving fast.  She did GREAT.

When it was over she said, “See mom, I didn’t miss anything I didn’t want to miss.” And she thanked me.

I want to believe I am being a good role model for my kids, even though I am taking it to the extreme with skydiving, and I think today proved that I might

actually be on the right path.

My baby girl went on a ‘scary’ ride and lived to tell the story! and I will be hearing about it for MONTHS! :)

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30
Jul
The Random and Odd Update…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: GYOW


I had a panic attack.
It’s been a few days since it happened and as much as I wasn’t going to say anything about it, I realized that you have followed me on this journey and some

are even on it with me.  It wouldn’t be fair if I put a false face on Random and Odd.

Saturday I was exhausted after jumping, and honestly I was a little freaked out by the parachute being twisted up on my first jump out. I had jumped several

times before that with someone and each time I looked up at the chute, the lines were exactly where they spose to be.  If you would have told me, “Oh yeah,

you’re going to have one of those malfunction we just watched on your first jump alone”…I probably would have walked out.
When I got home all bruised and hurting.I laid down and all the things that have happened in the last few months hit me hard.
“Holy shit Kristine! What the hell? What the hell are you doing? What you trying to prove? You could have died today! Is this what you want to do? Oh, and

while you’re at it lets think about EVERY DETAIL OF YOUR LIFE in high def with surround sound!”
And so I sat there and had wave after wave of panic wash over me.  Each time one would hit, I would wince with actual pain from one of the many places that

hit the earth at a high rate of speed.
I looked down at my throbbing toe. It was red and black in places and I kept hearing what people had said, “Well, it could have been worse.”  Dear God it

could have been much worse!

What the hell am I thinking? That is just fucking insane.
Now I am going to take a moment to talk about how if you’ve never done this, you will never fully comprehend what I am saying.  There is nothing more

surreal in this world than being in the back of plane with the strange energy of skydivers. Sometimes you have the tandems with you. They look terrified of the

unknown and I have to look away from them to avoid being sucked into their vibe.  The last jump I had I wanted to laugh and say, “Yeah, that ain’t shit! Just

kick back and relax sweetie because as much as you would like to think that is skydiving, it’s not. It’s being attached to a skydiver…you haven’t done anything

until you’ve actually climbed out onto the side of this plane with no one attached to you, look out at the propeller and know you have to get yourself right

because no one is going to do it for you.”

The plane is so loud as you’re boarding and the smell of burnt jet fuel gets in your hair, clothes and in your nose and you carry that sound and smell with

you for the rest of the day.   There is a quiet moment when all the sky divers are going over their jump in their heads.   I usually spend this time looking

around and counting how many times a jumper looks at his altimeter. It’s also the time I start singing in my head the theme to Sesame Street. Sunny Days.

Sweeping the clouds away. On may way…to where the air is clean.   Only 3 thousand feet…must check all my straps, harnesses, cutaway, reserve, pilot.  I start

to get that sick feeling when I grab my goggles and put them on. Goggles mean “Go time”. I’m certain that the helmet strap is going to cut off my breathing

so I hold on to it to and finish off the song. Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?  Check the altimeter even though I know it’s time to go

because everyone has moved around and readied themselves to go out the door.
“OUT! OUT! OUT!” Gets yelled and jumpers make their way out of the door.  Having the seat in the front of the plane means I get to watch them as they fall

into the sky.  The doorway is mine now and I grab the bar and swing out. Five seconds is all I have and that is pushing it.  Ready? out, in, OUT.  And now i’m

falling.  Are my eyes open? Am I really paying attention in those first few seconds? I will have to check the video when we get back to the hanger.  A few

seconds in free fall is a lifetime, I can’t waste it.
It’s at this point that I am the calmest. The anxiety that has built up from the moment we manifested, geared up, waited outside for the plane, got on and that

long ride up is finally gone. This part is easy.  Arch. I forget to arch for a split second and my body reacts.  Relax. They keep saying that and I keep forgetting

to.  I would be so much better at this if I could just get over the time BEFORE I get to this point.
For the life of me I want to be able to remember everything we had talked about doing in this dive, but I can’t.  I want to spin. I want to push my shoulder into

the wind and spin again and again. I want to stop and do it all over again.  I can’t, there is only so many feet and I am already at 7,000 feet and I have to hold

for 5 seconds until I drop to 6,000 and then reach back and throw out my pilot. Remember to look where you’re throwing. I don’t remember. I just grab, throw

and stare up and count the seconds before the chute opens.
I remember that being the relaxing moments during the tandem as the master gets the toggles and does a couple of spins. Now I am the one grabbing the

toggles.  I’m in awe of myself as I start talking out loud now. No one can hear me. “Open. Open. OPEN ALL THE WAY.” and the sound a chute makes when it

opens is heaven. SNAP.  How do I know where where these ‘toggle’ things are? This was not covered in any video. It’s in those first seconds that I realize how

little I really know. Instinctively I reach up and pull the yellow straps from the place they are stored and I do my checks.
I’ve never done this before on my own, yet here I am doing this as if I have done it a million times.  Check my altimeter again.   Four minutes of floating that’s

not floating.   Take a moment to look at where you are…can’t. I have to check my altimeter again and make sure I am where I need to be. Check for other

chutes.

The first check point I can nail. 1000 feet above the earth I am exactly where I need to be.  The second check point seems to get there too fast as the hot air

comes up and shimmies my chute and makes me nervous. I do my turn and now it’s time to land this thing.  “It’s like driving a car and coming up on a stop

light. Do not slam on the brakes a mile before you get to the light.”  What do I do? I slam on the brakes and the chute thinks its time to stop.  I crash into the

ground and I can feel every bone in my body rattle and resettle back into place.

After the first landing, I got up and gave my instructor a wave to let him know I was okay. How he could see me from that far away, I will never know.  As I was

walking back with this enormous chute slung over my shoulder and my body shaking from the whole experience I let myself cry.  “I did it.” I let the tears

come. “I did it.”

This anxiety attack I had scared me. I was so afraid of losing the ability to do something as wonderful as skydiving. I figured out what it was that was scaring

me.  My brain went into flight or fight mode somewhere in the middle of the evening.  I wasn’t able to calm it.
For the record though, I’m not giving up on it. I just have to remember to not think, just do.

Today on the way to work looked down at my ring finger and waited for the pain to wash over me, but it didn’t happen. I actually had to think back to the last

time I has rubbed my fingers together to ‘rotate’ the ring back into place, even though the ring was no longer there.  The instinctual habit had somehow

stopped.
In the first few days of not wearing my wedding ring, when I would do that, it would be like being stabbed in the heart and I wondered if a day would come

when I wouldn’t miss the weight of the ring and all that it had stood for.

“There is a luggage limit for every passenger on a flight. The same rules apply to your life. You must eliminate some baggage before you can fly.”
I’m ready to let all that baggage go if it means that I can live the rest of my life without anxiety, frustration, what ifs and not allowing the outcome of my day

being dependent on the mood or behavior of another person.
For once in my life I am finally free…and I won’t let myself get in the way of all the joys that come hand in hand with it.

I’m making mistakes. I’m not learning from them. I’m stumbling.  I realize that I am going to do this and I just really hope that in the end of all of this, I’m

going to be alright. That’s all I ask…just let me be alright.

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26
Jul
yeah…it would happen to me…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
On my first jump out I had a parachute malfunction. I didn’t panic and kicked my way out of it.  Scared the shit out of me though. It was good it happened

though, showed me how I do in an emergency situation, but when I saw all those lines crossed, I was like, “NO FUCKING WAY! NOT ON MY FIRST FUCKING

JUMP!”
My first thought was, “No I am not going to have my first cut away on my first jump!” I grabbed the lines and pulled them apart and just kicked myself around

until the lines unraveled and the chute opened up all the way.  Talk about a feeling of accomplishment. I was sort of hoping for that to happen after about 30

or so jumps. Yeah, not this girl.

And by the way…the earth is a VERY hard planet and not very forgiving.  I broke my toe on that same first jump.
So when I say I am covered from head to toe in bruises…I mean it.

I see a new folder in my pictures. “Kristine’s skydiving injuries.”

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24
Jul
Things I shouldn’t do before going through AFF…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
1. Call my mother.
I talked to her this afternoon and asked her if she was going to come watch me. She went from a normal tone to nearly crying.

2. Get a craving for Captain Morgan.
I posted on Facebook that I was going have to sail with the Captain on Saturday night. My instructor posted, “Not if you’re finishing up your jumps Sunday

morning.”  —sigh.   I am going to be jumping 5 jumps this weekend…without anyone attached to me.

3. Trip coming in the front door.
I have to land my chute and people are trusting me to land safely with nothing more than a glorified flag!  You people have more faith in me than deserved!

4. Watch other AFF videos that have my instructor in them. I now know EXACTLY what I am going to go through and my instructors roll in the whole thing.

5.  Turn on the news and see “Parachute Malfunction’ as the headlining story.

So tomorrow is the big day. Everything has been leading up to this weekend and I am FINALLY starting to get nervous.  John is in Lost Prairie for a boogie

(insane amount of skydivers doing an insane amount of jumping for 2 solid weeks) and if I didn’t know he had already planned to go, I would think he was

going so he wouldn’t be worried for me as I go through this.  I had already planned to do this before I got back in contact with him, which gives him a little

peace of mind.  He also introduced me to my instructor when I explained to him exactly what I was looking for in a private instructor.
“Someone no shit. I am someone who can laugh and joke about nearly everything. I want someone that is going to be nothing but business while he is

training me.  We can joke AFTER he signs me off. “  He knew exactly the type of person that would fit my needs.
He was right.  I saw my instructor laughing with some other jumpers and was joking around. I had not seen that side of him yet. That is going to be earned

from him!
After work today I went and cut 5 inches of hair from my head. It feels better, but it going to take some getting use to.

Well peeps. I need to go to bed. I get up at 6:00am and go eat breakfast so I don’t pass out at 8:30am when I start this crazy new chapter in my life.

“An Ive made up my mind,
I ain’t wasting no more time….and here I go again on my own”

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22
Jul
Because you love to watch me run into walls!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
For those of you that don’t have me on Facebook, here is the link to the wind tunnel.
My instructor’s favorite part was 1:07.  There is something about watching a friend and fellow sky diver forget he’s not wearing a weight belt and get whipped

around the wind tunnel.  When we got out, we were both cracking up because the guy who makes sure we don’t get crazy was FUH-REAKED out for a few

seconds!!

My favorite part is the part where I am not slamming into the side of walls.  I also enjoyed playing “monkey see, monkey do” with the turns and touches.

After final inspection, I only have 3 bruises from this trip.

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21
Jul
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off I ain’t never lookin’ back!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Spent another 15 minutes in the wind tunnel tonight. Hell of a drive getting there, but well worth it!

For those of you counting, that’s the equivalent of 30 sky dives in a ‘learning’ environment.

As bad as I felt when I left the first time is how AWESOME I felt walking out of there tonight!  I had a fabulous coach! He said, “You’re going to do a 90 degree

turn.”
I have mastered the 360, so why go back?
As soon as I did one, I realized how much more important it is to have that much control over your body during free fall. To be able to turn only a little bit,

stop and return to where you started was freaking amazing!
During free fall you have the whole sky so you can actually be a little bit sloppy, but in that wind tunnel, you have very little room and when you’re sharing

that space with another person, it limits how much room you have and how much more control you have to have over your body.

I am glowing I am so happy with myself right now.

Alyx was talking about Kara’s jump and I said, “it’s hard to explain the feeling Aly…it’s nothing like you’ll ever experience and it’s the greatest feeling in the

WHOLE WIDE WORLD.” and she said, “Even better than having kids?”

There is a huge difference…I was provided with a pain blocker, a room full of doctors and nurses that would cut, suck and pull the baby out if I somehow

failed at it.   Now maybe if I had my kids in a rice field after a long day of working, gnawed my way through the umbilical cord and strapped her to my boob

and continued working would it make me feel the accomplishment I get when I pull the pilot chute and save my own life.  There is no epidural in sky diving.

I told her, “No Alyx, it’s not better than having kids.”  Because it’s those 3 girls that made me the strong woman that is brave enough to jump out of that plane

in the first place.

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20
Jul
Wild at Heart…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: kara


Kara went to each of my sky dives and she would watch the training video.  After the hour introduction she would say, “I want to do it!”
You have to be 18 before you can sky dive and she was more than willing to wait. She’s an aries though…and aries want it now, if not yesterday.
When I started my training at Lodi, I found out that you can be 16 with a parents signature.  I told Kara and after thinking about it for 3 seconds she said,

“Okay!”

Yesterday we got up and headed out to the drop zone so she could jump out of a plane.  I paid for the observation instead of jumping with her.  I did this for a

couple of reasons, but the main reason was I wanted this to be about her.
John was shadowing her with Chocolate as her tandem and Stephanie as the camera/video person.

Sitting on the plane with her was eating me up. She was near the front and I was shoved in the back with other tandems. When the door opened and everyone

was making their way to the door, the fact that I didn’t have a rig attached to my back was the only thing stopping me from jumping out the door…and even

with that HUGE fact, it was still pretty hard.  I watched her as she waddled forward and the only part I remember was her feet leaving the side of the plane…and

then she was gone.  I scrambled to the window on the side of the plane she has just jumped out of, but she was probably already 3,000 feet down.  “Go little

Bear!”

The plane landed just as she came down under canopy.  “That’s my daughter! Did you see that?” I asked the pilot and the other observer.  I launched myself

out of the plane when he finally stopped it, only to come face to face with my instructor. “I didn’t jump! My daughter did! Did you see her!? She’s right

there!!!” I didn’t stop to hear his reply.

After my first jump, I kept saying, “I just jumped out of a mother fuckin’ plane!” at random moments.   I ran up to Kara and said, “You just jumped out of a

plane!”  and she corrected me, “I just jumped out of a muther frakking plane!”

Thank you, John, Chocolate and Stephanie for making Kara’s first jump a great one.

Her debriefing words go something like this, “I’m going to have to do it again because it just doesn’t feel like I really did it. I’m not going to jump into AFF

like you did, but I do want to go through it for my senior project.  That was AWESOME!”

Proud doesn’t cover it.

Watch Kara’s Video: CLICK HERE

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17
Jul
I just do what the Monkey tells me to do…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Not knowing exactly what to expect, but having actually jumped from a plane, I didn’t think the wind tunnel was going to be that difficult.
Oh.How.Wrong.I.Was.

Fifteen minutes doesn’t sound that long, but by the 4th round of 2 minute sessions I was nearly in tears.   I was frustrated that I didn’t ‘get it’ the first 12

seconds in.  I was pissed because my instructor kept telling me to relax.
Relax? ARE YOU SERIOUS? DUDE…I AM JUMPING OUT OF FUCKING PLANE…THERE ARE THINGS I NEED TO KNOW!
Come to find out after 15 minutes and some awesome coaching from experienced formation and wingsuit jumpers….I just needed to relax and have fun.
“Quit over thinking it. Get in there and float, smile, feel the wind and when you start getting potato chipy–breath and push your bush.” and he thrusts his hips

out and wiggles his eyebrows.

I fell into the wind tunnel the last couple of times and turned myself to look out to the observation deck and saw the guy with the nickname ‘Monkey’ and he

just kept grinning like a mad man which made me laugh and when he thrust his hips out, I did the same and low and behold…the arch stabilized my body and

I was more in control.

John kept reassuring me that I was doing great and each time I wanted to slap his helmet and say, “I AM NOT!” but he was probably right seeing he has done

this many more times than I have.   At the end of the session I told him, “I did better when I listened to the Monkey.”
I was excited to get the instructions I did and John got some new tips on turning that he was happy about.  All in all it was a pretty successful trip to ifly.

On the way home I could tell I was going to have to spend some time on my hair.  A skydive free fall lasts about 60 seconds.  After one skydive it takes me an

hour to be able to get my fingers through my hair.  Yesterday I did the equivalent of 15 sky dives.  I had the Something About Mary hair going on.   Thinking it

was only my bangs, I didn’t do anything about it and just passed out on the console on the way home.
This morning I realized it was my whole head was a tangled mess. From the root to the tip, there wasn’t a lock of hair that wasn’t entangled with another.

After the wash and deep conditioning I thought I would be able to just run a pic/comb through it and be on my merry way. Not so much.
It was taking so long that I had to throw it in a granny bun and figured I would detangle it at work.
It took until NOON before I could run a comb through my hair without crying.

Everything on my body hurts today. My eyelashes actually ache.  120 mph winds for 15 minutes.   There is NO way Dorthy and Toto could have survived that!

Flying Monkeys can though…and do it smiling.

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15
Jul
Lady Freaking GaGa?
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I found this on youtube.com and nearly lost it.

Chris Daughtry sings Lady Gaga’s Poker Face.
I loved him. He left his wife after he got big. I lost respect. I watched the video. He earned SOME of it back.

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22
Sep
*ehem*
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Sailing with the Captain AND the Kernel.

The voyage hit land around 2am.

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19
Sep
Happy Birthday Dan!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


He always makes sure the girls have a good birthday.  This year he gets to have a good one!

Now maybe he can stop pouting that I got to see Matchbox 20 last year for my birthday! :) LOVE YOU DANNO!

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17
Sep
Ha.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Ruka: “You safe? Text me and let me know you’re going to be fine so I can go to bed.”
Me: “I’m fantastic..”
2 minutes later:
Me: “Or I just might be the guy holding your friend hostage.”

I’m thinking she didn’t think it was as funny I did.

In my defense, I did send her an email when I got home to let her know that I was safe.  There is the benefit of being a sky diver…after her watching me jump

out of  plane alone, everything I do from that point on looks tame and safe in comparison.

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14
Sep
Blue Skies Rob and Barb…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I had expressed to my friend, John that when he’s out skydiving without me, to please let me know when the day is over for him to text message me and let me

know that he was back on the earth and fine.

I got a text message from him saying, “I’m ok. It wasn’t me.”

When you’re a skydiver, you don’t just have ‘friends’…you have a ‘family’.  Today we lost two of our skydiving family members.
There hasn’t been a time that I wasn’t at the drop zone that I didn’t look to the sky and see the bright orange canopies and feel a surge of pride knowing that

such an elite team of jumpers shared our skies.  I was lucky enough to express my emotions to them about seeing them in their formation and how watching

them brought tears to my eyes.  They always had words of encouragement and of course some teasing to go along with it.

I read on facebook tonight:

Love this sport for what it gives us, and hate it for what it takes away.

This sport has saved my life and made me a stronger person. It has also brought great sadness to my new family members and for that I am hurting for them.
For my land friends; I know what I do scares the hell out of you. Please know that I have been blessed with an instructor who would never allow me to jump

from that plane if he didn’t trust me to save my own life.  I was introduced with a coach who has taught me the fundamentals of body control.  Even my friend,

John, who we sometimes want to beat the crap out of each other, have learned to respect our limitations when it comes to the sky, will spend the next 50 years

teaching me how to be safe in the sky and hopefully I can teach others that same thing in the years to come.

Blue skies to all my sky friends who are hurting and missing their orange canopy family.

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10
Sep
Life was GREAT today!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I took some of my favorite people bowling!
Ruka, Benjamin, Megan, Justin, Kara & Emily and my favoritest little guy who still calls me auntie. I love it when he does, my heart melts a little bit.  He has

me wrapped around his finger after all these years.

Oh and today was kick ass day! I got to watch jets fly over the office and my co-workers, instead of laughing at me for acting like I was 5 years old…they sort

of joined in watching and telling me what each jet was.
I only got laughed at once for tripping.
I sneezed so hard my chair rolled back which made me laugh so hard I cried good tears.
I got an IM that made me nearly spit pepsi on my laptop I was laughing so hard.
On the way home…I laughed at how much my life is finally falling falling into place and even though when things aren’t going so well, when I can turn on the

radio and car-dance to Hanson’s Mmbop and be happy for every second I’m alive…things are getting better.
Yes, time does heal all those wounds…that and uh…yeah. :)

Life is awesome…today.

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09
Sep
Unexpected Emails…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Checked my email today and got a message from our marriage counselor.
“It’s never to late to jump start your marriage…”

My first thought was, ‘ouch’.  Then I talked it over with my co-worker and decided that this wonderful counselor needed a reply to her email.
It went something like this:

Thanks for the email all these months later.  I’m doing pretty good.  If you want to know how my husband is doing you’ll probably have to get in touch with

him.  You can probably get a hold of him at  ‘ with_his_new_girlfriend @ officewhore dot com ‘

I’m thinking I will be taken off her mailing list now.

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01
Sep
Suddenly Single…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


At some point I was going to have to start writing about the dating scene.  Not exactly sure where to start with this, but let’s try it out anyway.

I’m not saying I’m dating or seeing anyone in particular…because that’s the truth. Let’s just go with what I was told when I my marriage ended, we are just

“Hanging out”.

I’ve found in the past month or so, I suck at ‘hanging out’.
Being VERY clear with people about, “Not ready to make a commitment. Not ready to get back into that. Just want to have fun.” just isn’t enough.  I know I

said in the past I will never get a tattoo, but I am thinking, “NO, I REALLY MEAN WHAT I SAY” in dark black, outlined in gun metal gray and highlighted in

blood red across my forehead might be a good choice for me to get.
They seem to understand what I am saying for the first couple of dates and then all the sudden it gets to the point where I feel horrible guilt if they get closer

than they thought they would.
“I’m sorry.” doesn’t seem to cover the hurt feelings anymore.

I’m starting to understand why people leave though. I just can’t be what they think I should be, even if I told them from the start that I am hurt and scared

shitless.
No one gets to see the Kristine that cries herself to sleep. No one gets to see the Kristine that will stare at the ringing phone from a concerned friend because

she knows if she answers that phone her throat will close and the tears won’t stop. No one hangs out with the Kristine that just wants to stand up and scream

out of frustration.
No one gets to see that person, because I won’t let them. I get up. I go to work. I do my job. I go home. On the weekends I go jump out of planes and laugh

and joke. No one sees me cry anymore.

No one will.

And because no one will, they think I am strong. I am over it. I have moved on and i’m in a better place doing wonderful things and meeting fantastic people.
Yeah, I’m a better person…but I still freaking hurt 90% of the time and I am still finding new things on a daily basis that rip my heart out.   Today a friend

accidentally touched my ring finger and it felt like someone spilled battery acid on me.

It gets better. I know. But right now…I’m not ready.

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30
Aug
honestly…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


There probably is a handbook on how to deal with someone leaving you. Trust me, if I could find it, I would read it cover to cover. Open a church and preach

it.

People ask, “How can I help?” and I finally figured out what would make this easier. If I could just forget how much he loved me….when he did love me.  If I

could forget what a good father he was to my children…when he loved us.
If I could just forget everything.

As bad as that hurts to say and hard to hear it….that’s the honest truth.

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25
Aug
Just Sayin’
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Whoever came up with the idea of sticking such a beautiful town (Monterey) in a place where it rains and is colder than hell in the morning…well, EPIC FAIL.

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17
Aug
First Day of School….
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


The first day of school again.

I was going to put up the pictures from the past so you could all see how much they have grown, but as I was pulling up the pictures, my heart started to

break and I decided to just skip the linking of the old posts and pictures.

Kara is a junior in high school.  Alyx starts 7th grade. Shea is finishing up her last year in Elementary as a 6th grader.

For those of you that remember, Random and I started with Kara in 5th grade.

Scary and heartbreaking.

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28
Nov
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

Don’s birthday at the dropzone

These are some of my skyfriends. Some new, some old. We have a thing going on Facebook called ‘Ed Threads’.
A normal conversation back and forth turns into something out him.
At Don’s party we got all his girls together for a picture.

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15
Nov
my name on the title…my money in the gas tank…her Jeep.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


She is finally legal to drive.
I couldn’t be more proud of her.
She’s safe, except for that crazy pull out in front of the car thing and her dramatic hands when telling a story and forgetting to hold onto the wheel, but no…

really…she’s a great driver.

We went driving today to find a place to get some updated pictures of her. Only once did my ass pucker up in fear. For someone that has/had acute anxiety

disorder, she did a pretty good job at making me feel safe.

She’ll do great if she doesn’t take on her father’s ‘riding up on someone’s ass because they are driving too slow’ and my ‘i didn’t have to stop for that stop

sign, it had white borders’ driving habits.

Congrats Bear Bear!  Welcome to what FREEDOM truly feels like!

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11
Nov
choices…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Rumi

I have been asking for direction lately.
Which direction do I take my life right now?
Which do I listen to? Heart or head?

My heart has made some poor choices in the past. My head may have had some role in it too. Whenever I listen to my heart, my head has a way of telling me

that choice isn’t the right one and fights me day and night.
When I let my head make choices, my heart aches.

“Follow your bliss.” Is something that I live by.  Some may say it’s selfish to live your life trying to find your happiness. I am not looking for my happiness

any longer…I am creating it.

I’m going to focus on the things that make me happy and the important people in my life.  What falls away when I am doing this must not have been

something that was important in the first place and maybe it was those things that got in the way of truly seeing what is important.

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05
Nov
Like we didn’t see THAT one comin?
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter

another.

Sometimes we trade in a certain part of ourselves for another. A certain part of our lives for a new one.
No one forced me to jump out of a plane. No one told me it would change my life either.
Somewhere mixed in with the nightmares I have at night,  will be ones of where I am finding relative wind. Sometimes I am grabbin’ air, sometimes it comes

naturally and I am doing backflips and tracking through the sky.   There was even that one where I was in a wing suit, but that couldn’t have been me, because

HELL NO will I fly a wing suit.  Base jump from a bridge, yes. Wing suit? not so much.
I haven’t been up in awhile…and my subconsious is nagging me every single night with dreams of it, begging me to go back.

This weekend, I believe, is when my instructor is going to Elsinore to try to break their world record from last year.
I can’t even put to words how much is put into getting that world record.
When you watch the video, you see a bunch of guys (and girls) in what look like flying squirrel costumes ‘floating’ in the sky.
Be reminded that they are not ‘floating’ they are FALLING.
For them to have that much control  and focus is impressive beyond anything I can ever express.   From start to finish these people put everything they have

into this.
I’m not even going to try to express the respect I have for my instructor and how much he brings to this sport and to everyone that knows him, been taught by

him, jumps with him.

The part that I personally my favorite is after they are holding formation and they ‘track’ away (break up).  Everything about skydiving is serious. There isn’t

anything can’t go wrong, but the moments before they open their chutes is important. If they don’t ‘track’ away from each other, when they open their chutes

they can get tangled.
I guess it’s my favorite part because the respect they have for the sport, for themselves and their other jumpers.  Each one of these people were taught the

importance of safety, not only for themselves but for all those they jump with.

No metaphors today.

Just crossing my fingers for my sky friends that are participating in this new world record for a safe weekend and good luck!

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03
Nov
Some people look at clouds. Some people look for holes.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


People come into our lives for a reason…at a certain time. I can usually figure out why they are there within a few weeks.
I often question why certain people move in and out of our lives. You think they will be there forever because the bond is so deep. Some people you think you

will meet and never talk to again.

Recently I have had new people come in.  How long they will be there is now a question that first comes to mind. I never was this cynical, but with the events

in my life, when shaking hands I think, ‘Nice to meet you, how are you going to destroy my life?’.
I have let my guard down a few times in the past month to allow some really neat people in.  One is a woman that I respect greatly.  The amount of time we

spend talking through IM is just stupid.  She makes me laugh and I do the same. The conversations will get serious and then always lead back to something

totally stupid and we laugh again. She asks me questions about the stuff that I have been through and she actually has asked me questions I have avoided

asking myself.
The other people are a bi-product of skydiving. They came into my world and became my family. My Sky-Family.

Lastly I have allowed people I have pushed out of my life back in. I want to beg, “Please don’t break my heart again like you have done so many times before.

I want to trust that what you say is true and right and you’re not going to turn on me. I don’t think I can handle looking like an idiot anymore.”  — but with this

friendship I have to allow that there will be the downs with the ups. When we talk, she speaks the truth.
There are many things I have wanted to tell people that have come and gone from my life for various reasons. The number one thing is, “I wish you would

have told me this information BEFORE I married him!” — but the reality is I, without a doubt, wouldn’t have believe anyone when they told me he was

anything less than a saint.

I sent a mean text the other night. I wish I could say I regret the text, but I don’t.  Maybe it’s this new phase in the healing process.  I’m past a lot of the stuff

that happened. NOT past a bunch of other stuff.  There are things I wanted to say that I have haven’t. Is this the place? Why the hell not.

You will never be a part of the ex-wives club. Why? because unlike us, we didn’t have any formal warning of what was to come. We were blindsided.  We were

lead to believe that the person we were allowing not only into our lives, but our children’s lives, was going to be real, true, honest and faithful.  She believed it

because she was the first. I believe it because I didn’t have any warning.
I’m going to make this short; He will, without a shadow of a doubt, do what he did her, do what he did to me….to you. You’re not special. You’re not anything

that we weren’t. Because you were the other woman doesn’t give you the leg up or any special insite to how he thinks or feels…it certainly doesn’t give you a

get out of jail free card.
Again, without a shadow of doubt…he will work his way into your kids lives, become the most loving father figure and you will think to yourself, ‘how did I get

so lucky?’ .  He will raise your children as if they are his own. You know this, because you’ve read my blog. You’ve seen the pictures, you’ve read his words to

me and my children.  You know he’s going to be the most awesome person, bestest friend you could ask for…you’re family will love him!  His family will

make you feel like you’re one of them.
Just let this be your warning…when he walks away, and he will…he is going to DESTROY your children. They are going to hurt like they have never hurt

before. They are going to cry themselves to sleep at night. They are going to forget what it feels like to laugh. That will pass, but they will NEVER forget the

feeling of never wanting to trust another human being again.  They will never want YOU to trust again.   When you feel like you’re ready to move on and find

happiness, they will remind you of the pain you went through and when that doesn’t work they will break down and cry and say, “WE aren’t ready to allow

anyone in our lives again!” and they will remind you through letters you find tucked away in corners of their room or in your dresser, letters to him, letters to

God, letters asking WHY.  You will be reminded by them through songs they play for you and look at you waiting for a reaction. They will remind you through

stories of the places you have been together with him.  You swear if you hear, “Remember that time when we all went…” one more time, you’ll wish you could

just erase every single memory of him from your children’s lives just so they can have some peace.

This is the only warning you’ll get.  When it happens…and it will…the pain your children are in will be nobody’s fault, but your own.  If it were just you, I

would say, “have fun…enjoy the ride…see you on the other side!” but since you have children…you should know, you’re not special and if you think this

won’t happen to you and your babies, you’re more foolish than I ever thought possible.

These are the words I wish I would have been able to hear. Would I have listened? probably not…because he was the victim in a bad marriage.  I could save

him from all that sadness she had caused him. I could heal the wounds of his past and we would be a team, do this together, we would be the better parents

together.  With us together, our combined children would be better off.
Perhaps I drank the kool-aid, but I’m detoxing.  Now if only I could find a way for my children to do the same.

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20
Oct
Please no…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Once in the plane as we were heading to elevation I was stuck next to a skydiver that insisted on singing.  As the first bunch of jumpers exited the plane, he

turned and sang to me, “Noooowww, I’ve hadddd the timeeee of my lifffeeeee…” in full Dirty Dancing, Patrick Swayze style.
“Dude…seriously… I do NOT want that to be the song stuck in my head when I am in free fall or under canopy! Let alone the LAST song I hear if I die!”  He

laughed and exited the plane and I followed, soon forgetting every thought in my head.

On the way home a car fishtailed to a stop and I had to swerve to miss hitting him. I’m pretty alert most of the time, but it was at that moment that I was getting

my car-dance on and singing at the top of my lungs.
The sad thing is, the last thought through my head if I had died at that moment would have been, “Dear God, do not let ‘Baby Got Back’ be the last song I ever

hear!”

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18
Oct
…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: GYOW


It’s been awhile since I have actually sat down and wrote.
The book I have been adding to is a complete mess as I began writing it before the walls of my life came crashing in.  I’m sure if I actually sat down and wrote

everything out it would probably be a best seller.
It has all the elements of a great book.
Seeing that I have taken nearly every step to avoid even thinking about what happened, it seems stupid to write it down and relive it.

There is a story in it though. It’s about ghosts. Ghosts that haunt you every single second of the day.
This week the ghosts weren’t just haunting me, but screaming at me.
I had spent Friday night shooting a wedding with my ex-husband. Now I say ‘ex-husband’ loosely. The fact that we haven’t filed any papers yet to make that

official is kind of strange. When asked why we haven’t started the process I point out that I skydive now and there isn’t a shadow of a doubt that I will at some

point need more medical care than I have ever needed in my past.  There hasn’t been a time that I landed my chute and haven’t fucked something up. Toes,

fingers, tail bones. Nothing is spared when falling from the sky at 120 miles per hour and then trying to land a massive canopy with no formal training. I say

formal and I mean something more than, “flare here and you’ll be fine.”

This wedding was a lot nicer than I had expected. It was near by and who ever decorated it did a good job. It wasn’t over the top like some that I have shot.  My

ex-husband and I have this lame after-you-left-me-for-someone-else ritual that we seem to do. I get there after he does. He meets me at the car to carry the

enormous case I have for the camera gear. He says I look nice, which is always taken with a grain of salt, because his new girl friend is a marathon runner and

dresses nicer than both of us ever could muster. “thanks.” I mutter as I try to find the reserve to not punch in the throat and call him a cheating douchebag.

After we get our gear hidden away he shows me all the places he scouted out for pictures. I half listen and go find my bride. She always looks beautiful. Her

girlfriends are always beautiful.  Everyone is so happy.

The wedding I shot alone a couple weekends before, I was expecting to not be able to do without wanting to strangle myself with my neck strap. It turns out

when my ex-husband isn’t there, i’m not nearly as stressed out. It was one of the most awesome weddings I had been to. It snowed, it rained, the sun was out,

the bride wore a short dress, the groom was a complete jokester. I loved it. Best wedding so far. When it was over, I told the bride that she had something that

no other wedding has had so far…every single weather condition.

The wedding this past weekend seemed to hit me in a place I wasn’t ready to face. The ghosts were there and they were working double time.
During the wedding, the part I don’t listen to is the vows. I mean, really…I could now write a book entitled, “The Cynical Wedding Photographer” and the first

chapter will talk about how I do everything in my power not to snort during the vows and roll my eyes when the words say, “For better, for worse. In sickness

and in health. Forsaking all others.”  are muttered by the minister. I should get a tip for not grunting, “Yeah, right…you buy that and I have a bridge I’d like to

sell ya!”
Now I just walk away and find something else to do until it comes to the exchanging of the rings.  This part is even a joke, but it makes for beautiful pictures.

Sliding on that most precious ring.
I’ve actually thought of writing the book and this chapter would be titled, “Girls, pick an ugly ring that you hate. That way in 3 years when you find out he’s

fucking the office whore and you have to remove that ring, it won’t hurt so much.”

During the reception, we have our rituals here too. He goes one way and I go another. Wow, that sort of sounded like how our marriage turned out. Anyway, we

sometimes meet up in the middle and exchange cute things we saw.  Now I shoot him daggers while the best man talks about ‘how when so-in-so met his new

bride they knew it would be forever’ because I am reminded of how his son stood up and gave an awesome speech at our wedding and how my daughter

brought the place to tears when she talked about how much she loved her step dad and we would always be a family.

Normally I don’t even hear the music. This last wedding I heard the song he had chosen for his parents to dance to our wedding. It was paying homage to a

marriage that has stood the test of time and distance. It ripped my heart out and try as I might to avoid it, the tears came. Never did I imagine as we watched

his parents dance that 2 and half short years later, I wouldn’t even talk to them anymore. The fear of hearing a single thing about his new life and family has

kept me from calling to see if they are okay. It seems harsh, but hearing his dad would probably do me in. I remember times when Shaun and I were in the

middle of a rough patch that I would think about just giving up and I would think of how much I loved every single person in his family and I would see his

dad’s smiling face and I was reminded that every marriage has  it’s bad times and it’s sometimes easy to take the easy road, but in the end when you get to

wake up to your next best friend every morning and you’re promised to laugh through the tears.

Near the end of the wedding, they played another song and the whole crowd joined in the singing of it. The bride was very animated as she sang to her new

husband. He looked at with all the love in the world. At that moment, no on in the world existed but her and her adorable singing. She laughed at him and he

pulled her close and then looked at her again as to make sure she was really there, really his. He laughed and smiled and sang along with her.
That was the part that I realized I don’t think I have ever been as happy as those two people on the dance floor were at that moment.
The ghosts led me out the door to the chairs that were still sitting on the lawn from the ceremony and I let it out. I cried. I cried for the loss of my best friend. I

cried because no matter how much I can hope to love again, I will always walk around with the ghosts that he left me with. The insecurities of who I am and

what I have to offer. The feeling that I can’t ever shake…that I am just not enough.

I drove home too fast that night on a road that should be given a lot more respect than I showed it.  I rounded a corner going too fast and the fear of losing

control of the car ripped away all the pain I was feeling. My head was straight again. I slowed the car down enough to still feel the electricity of speed, but able

to control it.

When I got home, the girls were excited to see me and they were goofing around. Instead of joining in like I normally do, I snapped. “NOT TONIGHT!” The

ghosts didn’t want me to end the misery I had been in…they were enjoying me as I twisted every day of my eight years with Shaun wondering at what point

exactly it went so horribly wrong.
People always tell you when you’re in this situation, “It wasn’t your fault. This is something HE did.”
The reality though is it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong in a situation like this.
You can sit and point fingers, “Well, I wouldn’t have done this if you had done this.” all day long. The person that was done wrong, will not only feel like shit

because of what was done to them…but wonder at what exactly was the thing that drove the other person into someone elses arms? Was it the way I looked.

Did I dress wrong? Was my hair too short, too long, too dark, too light? Was it the new tv show I started watching or was it because I blinked too often? There

isn’t a damn thing that I still don’t wonder about. Nothing is left unthought of.

The next day I promised to not let the night before bother me. A friend and I packed up the kids and took them on an adventure. The one thing that I have

found that clears my mind. Getting in the car with a destination in mind, getting lost or enjoying the unexpected traffic jam.
The ghosts followed me there too. The ghosts will follow you to all the places you had gone to with the person that left you.

I would like to end this with some sort of ‘i’m doing better now, and I am working on getting rid of my ghosts and I am going to be fine’ but tonight I just

don’t feel like I can.
I have a few ghosts sitting next to me telling me that I need hide, run, go, flee. My chest hurts from the fear of rejection even when I’m not being rejected. My

heart feels like it’s going to stop when I think about allowing anyone in.

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30
Sep
Ghosts and New Paint…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
The weather has been really warm lately, but yesterday it looked like it might rain.
In my backyard I had a box of memory stuff that I had pulled out to see if I could find something the girls had made.  Me being me, forgot it out there and the

sun damaged it and the bottom cracked.  In a new box I gathered up all the stuff and began sorting through it.
I’ve known for awhile that I have several boxes in my garage that contained both memories from Shaun’s life before me and some of my own. There was a

point in boxing it all up that I never believed there would be a day when I would need to separate the two.

The hot water heater exploded water all over my garage and all the boxes were covered. I decided that while the guys were fixing the water heater that I would

use that time to sort through all the boxes and separate them for pick up.

In 4 boxes I found pictures of our time as a family, our wedding and letters to each other.  What does one do with all those things?  I figured since I had to go

through them, that it was up to him to decide what he wanted to do with them.  I ripped up the letters because the words somehow seemed so hollow and the

promises made in them were not worth the paper they were written on.

When I was finished and I put the boxes back up on the shelf, I was sad…but relieved.  The ghosts of our lives together were nearly gone now. It’s been

months since he’s been there, but somehow his socks still end up in my dryer and then soon end up in the garbage.  There is nothing left that I need to go

through.

Today at the office we have construction workers putting in new cubicles. I have watched them as they took apart the desk that was there, remove the stuff on

the walls, paint over the holes and put a new layer of paint.  It feels like what I am going through. Someone is deconstructing my life and turning it into

something new so new people can move into it.

This time though…no one will make it their own. This is my life.

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28
Sep
Not your average dance pictures…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
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23
Sep
that which does not kill us…will wish it had!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


There is something about a road trip that will make everything all better.

Ru and I went drove to Redding/Shingletown to do some stuff that needed to be done.  On the way there we got Sonic slushies and sang at the top of our

lungs as we passed through the quiet towns on the way back ‘home’.

‘home’ is a strange word. In the past few months I have been walking around my house with the ghosts of my past bumping into me around the corners.  You

can take pictures down and paint walls, but they are still there.  We needed to face a few of those ghosts this weekend so we packed up Adventure Duck and

headed out.

The trip was nice. We spent a few hours in a town she hadn’t been to in a million years and I bumped into a few old friends. One of them was a little sister of a

guy I dated in high school.  Her memories of the time her brother and I were together were so vivid. She said, “I thought for sure you two would get married

and I would have you as a big sister!”  Sadly, I don’t really have any memories of my time with her brother, but she gave me a big hug and said she missed

me.
I asked how he was doing, trying to remember what he looked like. He’s married and has 5 kids and according to his sister, still looks great. *sigh* Well, I do

have ONE memory…he was HOT!  I hate it when time doesn’t make us ALL look a little haggard.  Why is it that men get better looking?

That night we stayed at a hotel and drank an absurd amount of Captain Morgan and I told the story that Ru had been waiting a few days to hear about.  We

finally decided around 3 am it was time to call it an evening and save a few stories for the ride home.

The next morning was hard on me. Not because of the hangover, but because of a dream I had right before waking up. I’m always shocked by how during the

day I can be so strong and push everything aside, yet at night when I dream…things I wish I could do and say come out so effortlessly.  This time I was angry.

I was throwing punches.
When I finally woke up, the tears came fast and Ru rubbed me as I sobbed, “Really? REALLY? Can this get  any freaking harder? Do I have to see this shit

when I sleep!?”  I was angry all morning because I couldn’t control my dreams. “I will never be able to fall asleep next to someone because If this is how I

wake up 5 out of the 7 days in a week, they are going to freak out!”

On the ride back to Sacramento, we would sit in silence; thinking about our own problems. Sometimes we would turn up the radio. We would softly talk to

each other and when the words became too much, we would turn back on the radio really loud and sing with all that we had left in us.

Even with the tears we shared, I will remember most the laughing in the parking lot of the hotel as we downed a half a bottle of Captain Morgan each. The

attempted pictures of hanging off the back of a fire truck while talking REALLY loudly about one of the firefighters and his “Porn Stache” and the hysterical

drunken phone calls we, er..I made, on our way to McDonalds because she HAD to have french fries at 1am.

I’m going to get through all of this. Probably not as gracefully as I had hoped, but I will get through this.  I’m just getting really tired of adding more ‘this’ to

the shit I need to get ‘through’.

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30
Dec
Hey Mom,
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Where I hang out…and the people I hang out with.

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29
Dec
I got an email….
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


So I was digging through emails looking for the confirmation email for my new bluetooth when I noticed that TheYear2009@ohyeahitsuckith dot com had sent

me an email.

Dear Kristine,
I’ve kinda heard some of the stuff you’re saying about me and my feelings are deeply hurt.
I know our relationship kinda started out on rocky footing. I said some mean things, you said some mean things. I may or may not have written your name in

the bathroom at the Mexican food restaurant with some lewd comment underneath.
We sorta hit our grove by February though. Remember you were feeling better and I was like, “This is going to be a really cool year for you!”

I’ve been thinking a lot about our friendship.  You invited me to two parties where I was the guest of honor! No one has done that for me. You toasted me and

said that I can suck it.  I took that as a compliment because I did suck up a lot for you.  I mean, I really cleaned house on your life!
I didn’t realize you would lose so much in the process, but look at all that we did!

In April we sat in the most beautiful part of this world in awe of ourselves.  It wasn’t that long before you thought Yosemite was in another state! You put your

kids in that car and you drove to Yosemite with tears at every sad song that came on the radio, but you wiped the tears away and we made our way through the

twists and turns to get there.  You promised me that we would go back next year when it wasn’t so cold and we would lay in that big meadow.

In May we made it snow because you promised a friend we would go play in the snow.

In June we changed your life forever.  How can you forget all that?  How could you say that our time together was anything less than wonderful?
I want to just make a list of the reasons why I should be the best year of your life.

1. All of your girls are happy and healthy.  Yes, you had a bumpy road for a couple of months, but because of that bumpy road…you know your daughter and

you have a renewed faith in the years to come.
2. What is left in your life is yours. It belongs to no one else.
3. When you got sad yesterday, you had a friend send you a video of all your friends smiling, happy, jumping out of planes. You have some pretty amazing

friends that truly care for you.

Remember the hurricanes. You look around at all the destruction that has hit and the old houses are leveled, the new houses are nothing more than a cement

slab and the mobile homes are in another state.  Then you see a few houses scattered around that are still standing.  You are like that random house in the

middle of nowhere. The other houses, those are your friends.  They certainly aren’t the houses you would expect to be standing, but they are.
I know i’m like that hurricane. I came through your life and I threw everything up in the air and you had to stand there and watch what would hit the ground

and shatter…I knew you didn’t expect so much to break.   I was proud of you though. You cried A LOT, but you did it while you were sweeping up the mess.

Since we are talking about tears, let’s talk about all the things you did cry about.
You cried for the loss of your best friend of 8 years. That’s totally understandable. You cried because he was someone very special to your children. You cried

because you lost not only your friend, but the family you built.
You cried because of the haunting nightmares.
You cried because you lost a friend that you believed would be a part of your life forever, but she wasn’t. You cried for the unexpected.
You cried for a friend when many of his friends died.  You cried for your friends when they lost one of their own.
You cried when the dog barfed on the kitchen floor and you realized that there was no one there to clean up that mess anymore…and you had to do it.
You cried angry tears.

You also cried some tears of relief. You cried because someone said something so incredibly sweet you didn’t have words to say thank you. You cried after

landing a 260 in middle of a thorny field after a line twist on your first jump out. You cried not because you broke your toe or hit the ground REALLY HARD,

you cried because YOU did that all by yourself.  You cried just reading that.  You cry when you know someone is going through all the things that you did this

year and saying, ‘i know what you’re going through’ just isn’t enough.  You cried when a friend conquered something she had been afraid of for so many

years because you knew she could do it.  and she did.
You cried when you had to let go of everything about yourself and just let yourself be happy even if it made you look bad.
Sometimes you still cry in the shower because you’re afraid that all this goodness that I brought you this year will disappear.

I promise you this, even though I looked like a really shitty in your life, I brought you here and HERE is where you need to be.  So go on and tell me to Fuck

Off and when you’re finished reading this email you go ahead and answer that IM from your friend who can’t wait to get home to hang out with you. You pack

up your bye-bye bag so you can spend an evening with someone so unexpected that you sometimes forget to breath.  You remember to call your daughter

back because she just called to tell you that she loves you…even though she just told you before she left to go play with her little sisters.  At 5pm when you

close up your work computer for the day  you remember why you are RIGHT here in this moment.

It was because of me.

All my love,
2009

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24
Dec
Merry Christmas Random And Odd…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I hope you all got what you wanted for Christmas this year.  <removing snarky comment>

Last year Dan bought me a pink Motorola blue tooth from the girls for Christmas.  In this last year that poor thing has survived so much.
A few months ago I pulled the clothes out of the dryer and the damn thing fell out on the floor.  “How the hell?” I wondered how it got in there and then I

remembered I put it in my back pocket after the battery died.  I was all bummed out because I actually liked it. It wasn’t one of those ones that you had to stick

in your ear which just gives me the creeps.
It was suggested that I should charge it and see if it still worked.
Low and behold after a good charging it worked!  I swore I would NEVER put it in my pocket ever again.  2 cell phones and countless tubes of lipstick, lip

gloss, and chapstick have been destroyed in the washer and dryer.  I also have the cleanest driver license, atm card and lighters in California.

The other day I was flip flopping the laundry and at the bottom, there it was…my pink bluetooth.  “DAMN IT!” there is no way that poor thing could survive a

second washing.   I remembered last time I found it in the dryer and so with a ‘what the hell…it worked before…what can it hurt?’, I tossed my blue tooth into

the dryer with the wet clothes.   After the 40 minutes, I took it out with the clothes and plugged it in to charge.
Yeah…IT WORKED!

Now I promise to NEVER wash it again, because my odds of it working again after 3 washings is just tempting fate.  I’m telling the story of the most awesome

bluetooth to my hair stylist and as I am getting up from the chair, it falls and hits the floor…hard.  It broke.

Distraught I go looking for a replacement at Fryes Electronics and Best Buy.  Because it’s an ‘older model’ they don’t have it. I found a replacement on

Overstock dot com.   The thing is…it’s red. It’s not pink.  AND, I have never had any luck with the ‘replacement’ things in my life.  Examples, My Motorola

Razor phone. The first one had the best reception and the battery lasted forever.  I replaced it after some fucktard stole it when we went to the coast. The

replacement…sucked.  My Samsung phone that vibrated into a sink full of water was the best phone! (before the swim) and the replacement has NO reception.

Sucks.
I’m hoping the new bluetooth will prove to be different.

That is the Christmas present I bought for myself.

Here’s to next year…getting what I want and accepting the things I didn’t want but were handed to me anyway.   To allowing replacements into my life and not

questioning them.  Maybe replacements is exactly what I need.

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22
Dec
Goodbye 2009
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


January — I was sporting my new dark hair and loving it.  I was almost one month into feeling better. We had just spent our first Christmas in 7 years in

Shingletown with my family. It was a good month.
What I learned: I only like my dark hair for about 2 months.

February — I became the proud owner of my first Ipod.
What I learned: I know ziltch about being an Ipod owner.

March — I turned 37 and Kara turned 16. We spent our birthday in San Francisco roaming around and seeing Wicked.
What I learned — The dark hair is officially sucky at this point.  Wicked was WICKED awesome. I enjoyed spending all that time with my daughter.

April — Most of the month was alright. Then the bottom fell out. I packed up the girls and we went to Yosemite. It was awesome.
What I learned — “Forsaking all others” is a bunch of bull.

May — I traveled a lot this month. It didn’t matter where I was going as long as by Wednesday I knew what I would be doing Saturday morning.
What I learned– You don’t know how strong you can be until it’s your only option.

June — I jumped out of an airplane strapped to a awesome tandem master.
What I learned — There is nothing I can’t do.

July — I jumped out of an airplane without anyone strapped to me. My daughter jumped out of an airplane. I spent the 4th surrounded by new friends at the

dropzone. I found a great friend who introduced me to many more. I went scuba diving (without a dive buddy).
What I learned — I can save my own life.

August — I spent time at the wind tunnels. I spent time in the sky. I saw the ocean.  I watched my daughter go from one school to another.
What I learned — The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

September — I saw my other daughter leave in red Mustang with her date.
What I learned — I really enjoy my job and getting in where I fit in.

October — I flew to Oregon. I shot a wedding. I spent Halloween eating dinner in the same place I had lunch.
What I learned– My sister in law is a bad-ass and I missed out on knowing the real her for many years.

November — Things have a funny way of working themselves out.  I got my daughter back. I spent Thanksgiving with my family.
What I learned — People suck. ROYALLY suck.

December — I love my job. I may have not understood the big picture before, but I get it now.  I put the tree up, decorated my home and realized so many

things this month. This is my life. And to quote someone I never thought I would be friends with again, “Get my name out of your mouth.”
What I learned — I’m going to be alright. I really, really am.  And also when someone asks me where I see the relationship going, DO NOT SAY, “Nowhere”.

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19
Dec
Holy CRAP!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I threw out my back on Thursday helping a co-worker get through some really lame paper work. I know, I know, I sound retarded saying I threw out my back

doing paper work. Keep in mind I have thrown out my back sneezing, walking and washing my hair.

Today, instead of tackling the kitchen cabinets, I decided to catch up on a whole season of Dexter.

It wasn’t as scary as I thought it was going to be and it wasn’t nearly as bad as the seasons in the past.  HOLY SHIT, it had a twist at the end though. I was

impressed they went as far as they did.

Does anyone else watch this show?

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14
Dec
Congrats to Team Ill Vision!!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I forgot to update you all on my instructor and his world record.

68 wingsuit formation world record!

He sent out this awesome video of the skydivers coming out of the planes that the news chopper caught.

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13
Dec
MY So-Called Life…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I’m ending this year of my blog with a lot of things I have learned.
This is something that I have heard a million times in many ways, shapes and forms.
“Life is short.” “You only get one life.” “Tomorrow is never promised.”

Today I was in the kitchen all of the day. I made shredded pork enchiladas. The shredded pork was from dinner the night before.  After I was finished I made

chocolate chip cookies, mini cupcakes and a cheesecake.  Each new creation made me smile more than the last.   At some point in my Betty Crocker frenzy I

spilled flour all down the front of me and the counter. I grabbed a sponge and began cleaning up the cupboards.  Then it hit me…
This was my life today. Mine.  The fire was burning in the living room. The Christmas lights were on…and this was my life.

When Dan and I split up I remember thinking, “the best years of my life are over.”
When Shaun left, I thought, “I just wasted 8 years of my life.”

Somewhere in the middle of this year I realized that the best years of my life haven’t even happened yet.  The eight years of my life were not wasted. I lived

those years.   I laughed. I created. I loved. I received love. I made mistakes. I might right choices. I made friends. I lost friends. I learned. I forgot. I relearned.

I watched my daughters grow. I got the love of two of the most amazing step-children. I was a step-step grandma for a short time. I was angry. I was frustrated.

I was scared. I fought. I cried. I lived.

There is a new path in front of me. Every single day is different from the last day. I’m 37 years old. Next year I will be 38. I will never be 37 again…that year is

behind me. I can’t go back and change it.  So today while frosting cupcakes, listening to football in the living room and staring off into space I started

thinking.  Tomorrow isn’t promised. I may not make it to my destination, be that work or home.  I promised myself to not think about the things I can’t

control.  I promised myself to not care that I am not everything  I had hoped to be today.
Today I am just a 37 year old woman in my kitchen making a bomb ass cheese cake. Later in the day I am going to be that same woman on my couch in front

of my fire laughing about something stupid I just read. If I am lucky, tomorrow I will be that same woman trying to figure out what new thing I can create, with

my children frosting the left over cupcakes listening to overplayed music on Kara’s favorite station.

2010 isn’t promised to be any better than 2009 was.  Many things will change in my life. I will jump out of plane many times. I will spend my spare weekends at

a drop zone. I will travel to new places. I will learn how to co-exist with someone new in my life. I will try not to kill this person with my endless questions or

frustrate this person with my endless need to do something new or exciting (or as he calls it, ‘dangerous’).  I will bring the girls to many new places like my

dad for me. I will be a mother like mine was.  I will be a better sister.  I will be a better sister-in-law. I will visit my dad more. I will cuddle with my mom more. I

will remember to call my sister back.  I will make sure that my daughters know that there is NO ONE in this world more important than their family.

I will not trust my instincts. I will call my sister and just ask her what to do. I will love again. I will let others love me…even though I think it’s a stupid mistake

and they are totally retarded for doing so.  I won’t get frustrated with them when they get frustrated with me for saying that.

I’ve said it before, I will keep saying it. This is MY LIFE.  I will make the choices that make me happy. When I am happy, those that truly love me, are happy

too.

I will jump out of planes. I will love who I want. I will keep my children close and let them know that I love them more than anything. I will ski down a hill. I will

continue to laugh. I will continue to make mistakes. I will continue to learn from them.

So tonight, I sit on the couch and share left over enchiladas, try to convince a non-believer the awesomeness of Chuck and enjoy the life that is mine…and

not worry about the life that is yours.  That life is yours to live. You get to choose to do the things that make you happy…or unhappy.

Goodbye 2009,
Kristine

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10
Dec
2009 In Review
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Favorite Movie: Life of Brian. I know it’s not a movie that came out in 2009, but it’s the best movie I saw this year. I think the second favorite would have to be

The Hangover.

Favorite Song: If Today Was Your Last Day by Nickeback.
It was overplayed on the radio, but every time I heard it, I felt like it was written for this year.

Favorite Lyric: “So live like you’ll never live it twice. Don’t take the free ride in your own life”

Favorite Line: “Jump, Bitches!”
My friend Wendi says this all the time…since then she has altered it to fit the moment.

Favorite Trip: Oregon hanging out with my sister in law.
This trip was so needed. Spending this time with her and getting to know her for who she really is was eye opening.

Favorite Moment: The second my feet left the plane without anyone attached to me.
I could also say the walk back to the hanger when I knew I had some time to think about what I had just done.  “I did it.” was followed with the best tears I had

cried all year.

Favorite Holiday: Fourth of July (at the dropzone) or Thanksgiving (in Redding)
I spent the whole month of July at a dropzone.  I have never felt like I fit in like I did there.  Thanksgiving was a blessing. Being with my family and healing

was what I needed. With open arms they welcomed in a new part of my life.

Something Bad: My husband left us.
Something Good: My husband left us.
Something you regret: Trusting someone that didn’t earn that trust.
Something you learned: How to do a backflip at 10,000 feet in the air.
Someone that changed your life: Ed. He taught me how to truly save my own life.

Go back and change something: I would have believed her when she said to watch my back.

Subtractions from your life: Friends. A husband. Anxiety.
Additions to your life: Skydiving. New Friends. A job I am learning to like.Love and Security.

I wrote a 2009 resolutions at the beginning of the year:
Taking a NO-BULLSHIT stand when it comes to my life, my friend, my family, my future.  My tolerance for putting up with things that have no right being a

part of my life is very limited.
—> I would like to say that I did this, but there are moments that I failed.  2009 had a way of weeding out the bullshit though.

Find a healthy way to live my life.  Vitamins and probiotics will be a new part of my daily routine.
—-> Yeah, that lasted about a month.

Sorry fast food, but you are a thing of my past. Soon, soda will join you.
—> Well, I cut out about 85% of the fast food. Soda, i love you though.

Once upon a time there was this woman who loved her life…let’s go find her again. If we can’t find that woman, let’s fall in love with the new woman that is on

her adventure to get back to good.
—> I think this is the only one I did stick to. I love my life.

It’s okay to make a mistake, but learn from it and move on.
—> Got it. Moving on!!

Know by the end of the end of this year that you have done all the things you wanted to do in this year and be proud of the choices you made.
—> I didn’t get to go rafting or skiing (yet!) but I will. I am proud of the choices that I did make.  Some were tough some were not.

Do not shed a single tear for something stupid or someone that doesn’t deserve it.
—>If only I were this strong.

Trust my instincts.
—> I realized my instincts suck ass.  Thank you 2009 for taking over for me though! If it wasn’t for this shit ass year I wouldn’t be surrounded by people I love

that love me right back.
If there is anything else you want to do for me before the year is over, by all means…have at it.

I can’t wait to say goodbye to this year. It was bitter sweet.  I am sad by what has happened this year, but so grateful for all that it has done for me.

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09
Dec
Sweet…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Shea has been on a baking frenzy and we got to enjoy her cake for Marina’s 16th birthday!

Happy Birthday Rina Roo!!

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06
Dec
Time Warp…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


At least two times a week we are watching Rocky Horror Picture Show.   As many times as it has been on, I still haven’t watched the whole thing yet.  I have

seen some of the first, a tiny bit of the middle, but the end I have seen about 15 times now.

I roll my eyes whenever the dancing and singing starts (half the time the movie doesn’t have to be on) but the truth is, it actually makes me laugh.

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