2010

11
Jan
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I started the 365 project on Flickr this year.  I have tried to do in the past and just couldn’t get past day 3. This time I am on Day 11 and I’m still going strong. I

have a lot of ideas I would like to do, but getting them to work isn’t always easy.
In addition to the 365 project, I took on another version of 365 where I take a picture a day.  This was taken yesterday on our way back from Reno.
I uploaded it and fiddled around with it some and then reuploaded it.  It feel sort of strange to be using my Random And Odd Flickr account and adding ‘NEW’

pictures from THIS place in my life.  I had to do a search for a picture the other day and it matched a tag I had used years before and low and behold, my old

life slapped me in the face.
There have been many times where I want to just delete the whole account, but the pictures I have there would need to be saved and I am nearing the 10,000

picture mark in my photostream.  I can’t imagine the time it would take save all the pictures I wanted.

For Christmas I bought myself (for the 5th time) REO Speedwagon’s 2nd decade of rock and roll live CD.  I don’t have a CD player to play it on in my car so

when I took the car that had a CD player in it, I brought it with me. The first opening notes of Roll With The Changes brought me back to being 19 years old

and bouncing along in my roommates truck listening to the song and singing it at the top of our lungs, then repeat doing it again.

I have had that song stuck in my head for nearly 24 hours and usually any song that gets stuck in my head (like Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance) for more than a

few hours drives me nuts.  It’s not so bad right now. I just keep hearing, “If you’re tired of the same old story…turn some pages.”  Man, have I turned some

pages…gone through chapters and finished many novels since those days.

I am ready to make the break that I am on the brink of.  It seems like I have been doing that my whole life.

…and I have all the pictures to prove it!

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05
Jan
Happy Birthday, Susie
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I was lucky enough to be allowed in the emails that started this birthday wish for you, Susie.
As they came pouring in I thought, “How the hell am I going to be able to even come close or find something that hasn’t been said already?
Well the answer is, I can’t. You have such amazing people in your life that love you so much that they used up all the words to express how much you mean to

them.
All I can say is; you are the rock and glue that holds our blog family together. I love you and all the strength you have brought to us when we were down and

the praises you bestowed upon us during the high times.
Love,
Your Princess.
Now I give to you;  To and About Susie

How could anyone NOT love Susie? Without her, I wouldn’t have the term “Booty Flies” in my vocabulary;  I wouldn’t have sisters in my life;  my husband

wouldn’t have had his Lyme Disease diagnosed as quickly as he did;  and, my Christmas tree wouldn’t have crabs.
Susie, may this 40-tenth birthday of yours usher in an era of good health,  and may the year ahead shower you with laughter, love and peace in the same

measure as you give the same things to the world at large.  I love you, my sister.  Happy Birthday!
Love, Shari

Oh, Susie – well, you came and you gave without taking While I acted so gay Oh, Susie – made me drinks that were stirred and not shaken Where is Gumby

today?
For the bootyflies, and the Gumby porn, and the monkey socks, and the Angel Tamponia, and for putting up with all of my bullshit during my Big Fat Mid-Life

Crisis, and for being my innernets adopted sister, I salute you, send you all my love, and wish you the happiest of birthdays! Now, go eat some cake before I

start blubbering.
Love,
Bucky


There are well over 50 reasons why I love Susie, but the main reason is that she has booty flies.  Every time I think of her booty flies, I am overcome with

laughter; just the mere hint of the story sets me to giggling.  Another reason I adore her is because she’s a fiercely loving, strong, soft-hearted, kind,

involved, and in-love parent to her daughter, LG.  I so admire her adoration of, concern for, and involvement in her child’s life.  Susie also loves Our Lord,

and she seems to integrate that fact into every aspect of her life so seamlessly and effortlessly.  I pray that Susie’s 50th birthday, and all the many, many

birthdays and years ahead, are filled with as much love and support as we blogfriends know she so richly deserves.  I love you, Susie Fairchild!!!
Love, Raz


In the years I have known Susie I have seen her in top form, and have seen her when she was sick and weighted with despair.  Through that time,  her

courage, her unflagging good humour, her optimism, and her calling to reach out and help people has been an inspiration to us all.
I gravitate towards people who make me laugh, and of course she does that.  But in so many other ways, my friendship with Susie nourishes my soul.  I feel

like a better person just because Susie is in my life.
Plus, you know, she has great hooters.
-Nils
Don’t wanna be
Tardy to the Par-tay
On Susie’s Birth-day
Everybody do a little Birthday Dance.
This is also where you’re glad this isn’t video.
Have a wonderful day – no a wonderful YEAR!
You don’t look a bit older than the day I met you.
Happy Birthday! From Allisone

A Haiku for Susie:
Susie, I celebrate you
Thankfully grateful
For your effervescent charm

From Sue (of the Charlotte and Sue variety)
Susie is the first person I adopted as my blog sister.  I love her sense of humor, from the booty flies to the best Thanksgiving turkey post ever.  She’s been

through so many different ups and downs since I first knew her but she still has that sense of humor.  I’m so blessed to have been able to meet her in real life,

too.  There’s no way I can do her justice here, so I’ll just say “Susie, I love you and Happy Birthday.”
Squirl


Something Susie said on my blog:
March 22, 2005
“I knew I would like writing, so that’s why I started. What I had no idea about was how wonderful it would be to meet the bloggers, the commenter’s, to chat

and tease and play with them, and care about them. It is an alternate universe here. I have tried to tell non-bloggers about it, and they don’t quite get it. I think

it’s like Mark Twain said, about faith: for those who believe, no explanation is necessary; for those who don’t, none is possible.”
I am very happy to have “met” you, Susie.  You add to my life.
Love, Joseph (Greenthumb)
Susie just makes the world a better place. That is really all I need to say because someone here will most definitely say what i WANT to say more eloquently

and wittier than I ever could. Susie has always been there for me, I mean, REALLY been there for me. I could not be happier that our worlds collided in the

blogosphere and she has deemed me worthy to hang with her in any capacity. I love you Susie, you are an amazing person…I am honored to be your friend.

Happy Birthday!!!
Love, Jana


Online there’s a woman named Susie
Whose sense of humor is quite a doozy
She jokes and she rants
‘Til I pee in my pants
Happy Birthday, you crazy old floozy!
Love,
Charlotte


“If Jesus was a team captain in a gym class and he was picking teams, he would pick Susie first. Not because of her religious beliefs but because she is

honest, caring, funny, loyal to her friends (and team mates) and she is just a blast to be around. If the Devil were a team captain in a gym class, he would pick

Susie first for the same reasons. And she is not afraid to say Motherfucker.”
Love, Bill

Please feel free to wish our amazing friend, Susie a VERY happy 20+30 birthday!
(even if you did on her Facebook page, it won’t hurt to do it again!)
Comments (3)  //  Add Comment

21
Feb
It’s just stupid
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
How much I love the TV show Chuck!

Okay, and now to things that don’t involve the best show on TV.

I am hoping that in the next two days I will find out the best news I have had in YEARS!  Two days might be too hopeful.

I am hopeful…so freaking hopeful right now.

When you hear the high pitched squeal coming from California…It’s just me…excited and happy as hell!
You won’t hear sobbing though…because if I found out anything last year, I am stronger than I thought I could ever be, stronger than anyone ever gave me

credit for…well, except my sister and mom. They’ve known all along!

:) *fingers crossed* and ARCH!

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13
Feb
Hopeful.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I had a rough last year and this year tried to wear some of 2009′s clothes, but despite that…I have hope.
For almost a year I have despised the word “Hope”. Because not only did I allow someone to take it way, it made me question EVERY single thing and EVERY

single person I met.  I admit,  there is nothing more surreal than feeling hopeless while surrounded by family and friends that would take a bullet for you.

I have been having dreams again. In the last month I had one of the gut wrenching, sobbing dreams.  I have a fantastic friend who I share everything with…but

at that early morning I had to call someone that would understand where I had been. I called Tabitha at this ungodly morning hour and poured my heart out

and explained the dream I had. I’m not really sure how much she heard between the sobbing and sniffling.
We talked like two soldiers that had been on the same tour.  She reminded me that she got through it and I would too.
She also said something funny, “I wasn’t always this bitch. People made me this way.”  I finally get it.  Yes, she is crazy, dramatic and holy hell if you’re on

her bad side, you will think she has lost her mind with her logic that makes no sense, but at least I understand her because *I* know her now.  Yes, crazy,

bitchy, dramatic are the words I will describe her…but I would also like to add, when she loves, she loves red hot and fiercely with everything in her and with

loyalty that I am envious of.

I had another dream. This one wasn’t one like the one I had before, but more of a ‘Hey, remember this dream and figure it out when you have time’
It had been nagging, naggging naggging at me to pick apart and the other night it finally hit me what most of it meant.  It means that there is a balance I need

find. That in order to get across I need to learn how to walk across on top and stop trying to walk through at the bottom.
There is also that I need to listen to what is being said, let everything just go and with balance and grace I can get through it. I can get through anything.

Because of that dream and all the heart wrenching ones before it…I am brought back to the one word that my friend, Ken would say all the time when things

got bad and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

Wash.    It’s a wash.

I can’t wait to start this new part of my life. I realize there will be disappointments and I got roll with those changes.

I am blessed beyond words. I have the most amazing people who love me. I was able to verbally say I was sorry for not listening to a friend and letting her

know that my biggest regret was not listening to her.  I have the most amazing men in my life right now. Each one so strong and loving.  I have the strongest

women as role models. Women that have been through a lot, been loved and hated.  My children, so brave and strong and beautiful and everything a mother

could ever want in children.  They make me laugh every single day and I guess there is something to be said about what happened and having to talk to my

daughter about details of my life I never wanted her to know, we are honest with each other now and I know I can trust her.

And lastly, I get to play where others only gaze in wonder.

My world is good place, it may look like shit, but DAMN, my world is pretty fucking awesome right now.

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11
Feb
Hearts of Fire
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I know, Random and Odd is turning into nothing more than a Kara update page. But LOOK AT HOW BEAUTIFUL she is! *sigh*

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08
Feb
Pack Job Update
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Wendi jumped Kara’s pack job! She called me afterward and told me, “Best opening I’ve had in a LONG time and it was on heading!”Way to go, Little Bear!

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05
Feb
LOL!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Last night was one of THOSE nights where you don’t say anything to piss me off or I am going to bite your head off.
It’s been a rough week as it is and I didn’t need any bullshit.
I IMed my friend and told her I was about ready to snap.   She calmed me down after 500 questions and realized I was just being bitchy.
Finally, having enough I looked over and let it out, “WOULD YOU STOP GLARING AT ME!? GOD! You have been glaring at me all damn night!”
His mouth dropped open.”I have an EYE INFECTION! I am not glaring, I am looking at you! I JUST HAVE TO SQUINT!”

Yeah, I might have been a little bit bitchy the other night.

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03
Feb
Still working on it…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Still working on getting the video uploaded.

Just thought I would put this up there…my daughter kicking ass and making it look easy!

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31
Jan
Kara Skydiving TAKE TWO! action!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Kara and I headed to the dropzone today so she could learn how to pack a parachute.  I wandered around and talked to some of my family as she ‘sat in’ on 3

pack jobs from a couple of loads.
She has been hinting around that she wants to get back in the sky again and today was absolutely beautiful.

It hasn’t been a year since our world flipped over and things got really shitty before it got worse with the two of us.  I would drive home from work in tears

because I didn’t want to even have to talk to her because she was moody, mean, obnoxious and she clearly did not like me or the air I was taking up.  It

started with that and went to lies. From there, it just got worse. It took a huge wake up call for her to see what we have and how important that we are to each

other.  That moment, that very moment when I held my daughter in my arms and cried with her, I knew she was back.  She has been the girl I have wanted to

hang out with again. She is the honest girl that I know I can trust. She’s the woman that knows what ‘family’ means and values and honors it.  I never want to

see those days and months again…and days like today is what we need to stay on that path.

Ed usually only does learning tandem jumps, but today he agreed to jump with Kara.  I nearly cried. It seemed like everything was coming together. She had

finished watching her third pack when I said, “You want to jump with Ed today?”  I love this the most about my daughter…without hesitation, “YES!” And then

went searching for her Sharpie so she could redo her ‘fearless’ on her hand shot.

The load number was #13 (and we all know by now that is our favorite number since I was 13 and since she started softball)  She likes to find that number in

the things that we do…and so when I told her, “Load 13.” She got a big smile.

After the jump, Wendi let her pack her chute. Sitting there watching my daughter as she walked the lines, flank and try to shove the chute in the d-bag was one

of the most proud moments.  She had clearly listened when she was learning early, because when it came time to close the bag into the chute, she did it.

Today was even better than the first time she jumped. Today she felt like she was welcomed and a part of the ‘family’ we have out there.

On the way home we were talking and she said, “I think I love Amanda.” and talked about the stuff they talked about. She talked about how she thought Tia

was so adorable. We talked about Ed and how freaking amazing he is…and she said, “I think…uh..I think Ed might be the boss of me.”  I started laughing

because that is what I say all the time!!

She has a plan; practice packing, work at the dropzone this summer packing tandem chutes and save up to go through AFF for her senior project.
My daughter told me today that she wants to be a sky diver…just like her mom.  OMG.  I don’t have enough fingers to count how many times I nearly cried

today.

Thank you everyone, thank you GOD for giving me my daughter back!

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28
Jan
Life at a Dropzone!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


My friend Wendi called me and told me that I HAD to get to the dropzone last Saturday so I of course, being the good friend that I am, I did.

This weekend I am taking Kara out to learn how to pack a parachute.  She is going to go through AFF for her senior year project and after she passes and

begins to go through the process of learning, packing your own chute is on the list.   Being my daughter, she doesn’t want to wait that long.
My sky friends have moved into the sky family status and they have offered to show her how it’s done.   She will then get to either do the observation ride with

her packed chute or wait on the ground for when they land.

Finding things to do with Kara that doesn’t cost anything is always an adventure within itself.  She enjoyed the pictures I captured at the DZ last weekend and

wants to hang out and see if she can get some artistic shots to add to her portfolio.  She has an amazing eye for action shots and since she’s just a little thing

she can probably lay in the pea gravel and get landing shots and no one would even notice her.
I have a haunting feeling that after she’s out of AFF I will be having to purchase her a helmet with a camera mount!
When I am jumping the last thing I am thinking about is taking pictures.

I was actually asked once what I think about when I’m in freefall.  1. out 2. arch 3. altimeter 4. backflip 5. altimeter 6. spin 7. altimeter 8. track 9. altimeter 10.

PULL!

The next time I went out I wanted to actually remember what I thought about during freefall other than the necessities to stay alive.  “I have cotton mouth”.
Really…that was it.   I had forgotten to grab my water before I got on the plane and THAT was the only thing I thought about during freefall.

Now when I get going again I am going to have to be thinking about being fruit looped , mugged or having my junk grabbed.  God,  I love my skyfamily!  They

all wonderfully, perfect, peverted and loving.
And when I say, ‘perverted’ I don’t mean the weird perverted-going on craigs list, signing up for swinger parties under false names while married to someone

who has no idea’  brand of pervert…I mean, duh.  Skydivers are perverted, but they don’t try to hide it. They flaunt it!

Kara and I should have fun this weekend since she already knows all the stories and stupid slang!

PACK, BITCHES!

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25
Jan
Still working on the new R&O
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Until then, here are some amazing pictures of my skyfriends doing what they do best, making everyone else look like pussies! :) hee hee!!

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24
Jan
In awe…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


In skydiving we are sometimes graced with nicknames.  I narrowly avoided ‘flares’.  We have “red” “stretch” “chocolate” “mudmonkey” “juicbox” “flying

lesbian” and a bunch others.
I get teased for the twisted leg strap incident.
While at the dropzone yesterday I had Ed have Lester put on a rig and see if he would twist the leg straps.  Ed helped him put it on  and from all the times he’s

watched me tighten my leg straps he looked like a pro.  I was standing there with the camera going, ‘damn…that’s hot.’.   Then Ed took off the rig, placed it on

the chair and said, “Okay, now put it on yourself.”
Yeah, he twisted the leg straps.
Cheering and snapping pictures I said, “Ha! He twisted the leg straps!”
That’s when Ed looked at me and said, “Yeah, I’m guessing he could figure it out in less than 20 minutes, that’s your time right?”
I told Lester, “You look pretty good in that rig…you wanna jump?”
He then replied. “Yes, if I am unconscious.”

Right now there is some sort of game plan with his friend from PA about coming in July to jump out of a plane.  This, mind you doesn’t mean I am EVER

getting a tattoo.

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05
Apr
just like Alyx reminded me..
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Life, it can be summed up into three words.  It goes on.

…if we like it or not.

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04
Apr
Happy Easter
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I hope you all have a beautiful day that you get to spend with your family, those you call family, friends or just a day where you get to do whatever you want.

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03
Apr
Reason #120 of why my daughter is better than everyone else’s.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


It’s Wednesday night during Spring Break: Do you know where your 17 year old daughter is?

I do! she’s in the living room practicing packing a parachute.

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28
Mar
Reclaiming my Sunday
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Sunday use to be my favorite day.  It meant that I got to sleep in and when I did wake up there would be the Sunday paper and coffee there waiting.  I use to

wake up to the clickity-click-click of the computer keys next to me.  Now, I wake up to the alarm clock screaming at me to wake up or I would be up all night

fighting sleep. Pay now or pay later…and coming
from someone that fought insomnia, I would much rather pay with lack of sleep on the morning side than on the night side.

Saturday night before I went to bed I set my coffee timer to go off at 6:15 to brew.   I set the alarm to ‘soft’.  I checked in on all the kids to make sure they were

in bed, because if I had to get up at 6, they could at least get up at 8.
When the alarm clock went off this morning I began my debating with it…”Okay, I hear you.” I got up and did the wide eye blink and WHOA too much light

squint.   I started to get back into bed to see if the new alarm clock would stand a chance in my house when I smelled the fresh brewed coffee in the kitchen.
Ahhh…niiiiiiiiiicccceee!  I turned myself around and made my way down the hall to the kitchen. The morning sun was starting to make it’s way through the

windows.  The kitchen was so quiet and I could see the calmness in my home for a few minutes before he kids started getting up.I made myself a big tankard

of coffee and made my way back to the bedroom.Tonight, in anticipation of a suckass Monday morning I did the same thing I did the night before.  I also put

the left overs from the kick ass dinner I made into tupperware for my lunch tomorrow.
The girls are in the living room playing cards and I’m at the freshly polished desk in the kitchen.

Life isn’t the same…it’s soooooo much better.

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21
Mar
Happy 17th Birthday, Kara
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


It was a year ago that we spent that awesome weekend in San Francisco! The fact that my daughter wanted to spend her 16th birthday with no one but her

mother, walking around the city, going to Alcatraz and seeing “Wicked”, it makes me proud to call you my daughter.

Now it’s a totally new time in our lives. In your sixteenth year everything in our lives changed for what we thought we wouldn’t bounce back from. You were my

strength, my guide through the rough patches and now when I think about how you survived all that with grace, it makes me wish I was as strong as you are

and have always been.

Grandma Del, who you are named after, told me that your name means, ‘dear friend’.  It may or not really mean that, but that is what she told me and since

she was the smartest woman I ever knew, I am prone to blindly believe her.  You are a dear friend. You’ve always been one of my bestest friends. You listen,

you always speak your mind and you love with all of you.
If there is a definition to your name that I could add, it would be ‘courageous, brave, fearless’
You never really crawled. You stood up next to table and strengthened your legs and when you got down on that floor and realized the only thing you could do

was ‘army crawl’ or move backwards you decided to give that ‘walking’ thing a shot.  9 steps on your first try.
That seems to have been the theme of your life. When you tried something and it didn’t work out the way you thought it should, you went headstrong into

doing what needed to be done, the right way.
Training wheels on a bike? That didn’t last too long because the first time you fell off it, you got up and looked at your daddy as if it was his fault because he

didn’t remove those damn wheels.
The thought of you driving a car scared me shitless. You learned, you listened, you fought me on certain things…but you adjusted the way you drive and you

actually drive safer than I do now.
You would think the last thing on this list would be you skydiving. It’s not. Yes, in your SIXTEENTH year, you jumped from a plane TWICE. That is two times

more than anyone will ever try.  I know in the years to come there will be many met goals in your skydiving future.

The last thing on the list of reasons of why I think you’re one of the most brave women I know, is your love for Patrick.
When things came into light and the man you loved like a father walked out, you saw how damaged I was. You didn’t want to feel that pain and you walked

away from your relationship with  Patrick.  You also know that you have a strength that far exceeds my own, and you allowed him back into your life for all the

reasons I thought he shouldn’t be there.  You are the exception to the rule of ‘long distance relationship’. You have managed to have your own life and not

miss out any of your high school activities.  Patrick also knows that you love him and you always make time to make him feel special and include him in on

what you do as if he was right there with you.
He flew from Virgina to welcome this beautiful new year in.  He also flew here to be at your side for your junior prom.  He did this because you inspire love

and devotion. You are, and always have been, a no shit kinda girl.

Thank you for showing me that sometimes things get shitty, sometimes things aren’t as easy as they should be, but be brave and get through it and the

people that truly love you, that truly KNOW you will be the ones standing by your side and instead of being resentful of your happiness, they relish in it with

you.

You’re my inspiration, Kara Lynn Stone.  Being your mother has been an honor that no one will be able to take away from me.



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18
Mar
Junior Prom Countdown
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Tickets. Check.
Hair. Check.
Dress. DOUBLE CHECK! (it’s so pretty it deserves two!)
Nails. Check.
Shoes. Check.

Almost ready for her big night! :)

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13
Mar
*girly squeal*
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Went and picked up Kara’s prom dress today. It’s a darn good thing I haven’t taken a day off in a year or I would have never been able to afford it!
The dress she picked out was very beautiful, but upon closer inspection….it was falling apart and was sort of cheap looking. We wouldn’t get out of the place

with a quick, “Looks good…let’s go.”

We hit all the shops in the mal and had something funny to say about all the dresses we came across.
“Oh look at this one mom…REOW!” as she held up one that looked like something out of a bondage catalog.
“Kara, you could go as The Bumble Bee from Transformers!” a horrible yellow/black stripped dress was actually 100 bucks!
“Hey John, is this the same fabric they use for parachute canopies?”

We had nearly gave up when, being a woman, I caught something shiny in the corner of my eye. We made our way to the wall where the small collection of

dresses hung. It came down between two dresses, but really there was no question what dress it would be.
When she put it on….OMG…my beautiful daughter looked like a woman.

The pictures will go up as soon as she leaves on her date…I promised her no photos until then!

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09
Mar
Together…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


There was a point in my life where I didn’t want to keep going.  It was about 11 years ago and I was at rock bottom. The only thing that kept my car in the right

lane was the image of my little girls playing dress up and the image of them grown and putting on prom dresses.  I put my hands back on the wheel and

headed home. I would have to find a way to deal with the dark place I was at another way.

This year, Kara will put on a dress and go to her junior prom. All the dances before this have brought her to where she is now.  She has picked out her dress

and I have yet to see her in it.
I know some parents cry when they see their daughter or son dressed up and ready to leave on that special night, but for me, it holds something so much

more.

The other night she did something that stopped my heart for a second.  While I was out, she went to the wonderful man in my life and asked him if he would

drive her to her Junior Prom.  For him it meant something important…not only had she accepted him into our lives, but wanted him to be a part of her life.  

She is learning to trust again and I am blessed that I get to watch her do this and learn to follow her lead.
Trusting people is no longer a strong point in my life. People are mean.  A person that is going through something similar to what I am said that people hate

it when other people are happy.  Thank you Sheri…sometimes I needed to be reminded of that. Misery loves company and I’m sorry, but I won’t be miserable

anymore because it is going to make someone else unhappy…especially when that person  is mean.

On that note; I’m happy. I am learning to trust again. It’s not an easy path, but with hours of talking and sharing feelings and trying to find a way to be able to

communicate that works for both of us, we are healing.
My friend, John said, “You’re a two year project.”  When he said it, I was in the middle of the oblivious phase of this process. I get what he means now.  It

does take about that long for all the bullshit to get out of our system.  I have 6 months on the person I am with, so I am ALMOST past the truly angry part. The

only time I get angry is when I think about not what he did, but what he left us to clean up.  I can totally understand the part where he cheated. That is a human

thing that people do. I have totally and completely forgiven him for that.   It’s how he left and never turned back until he wanted something from us.   No

more.  Someone else gets to fear that day.

Last night reminded me of a Rumi poem. Hours of talking. I hung up the phone feeling like the wonderful man I am trusting with my heart with, finally

understands where I am.  I’m closer to understanding why he does the really moronic things he does. Hours of talking and communicating.  Last night I told

him, “Just say, ‘i’m sorry you’re sad, I’m here and i’m not going anywhere.’” and he said, “I love you so much.”  —yeah…that works too.  It’s amazing how

those words fill a place that you didn’t even know what empty.

Together we are moving forward. Our kids are learning to trust again. We are learning to trust each other.
My daughter Alyx crawled onto the bed and said, “Please try to quit smoking.”  We heard her, and we both want to, but never really TRIED.  This week we are

both starting our prescription to quit smoking….together.  We made a promise to her to TRY and we are going to do just that.

All those years ago in my car when I took my hands off the wheel, did I ever imagine I would have been through everything I have? No.   I have never taken my

hands off the wheel since and even though the road was rough, I wouldn’t change a single thing that got me here…2 weeks from my daughter’s junior prom.

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03
Mar
promises…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I was bartering with God on the way home from work today.
“Dear God, please just allow me to jump out of a plane…say…10 more times and I swear when I look up at the sky, I will give thanks and think of heaven and

not “oh today I bet they are getting in at least 20 loads in!” and if you allow me the ability to jump just ten more times I swear when I am driving through your

beautiful land I will not look around for a clearing and think, “I can land there!”. Just ten more jumps and the next time I’m on a commercial flight I will not try

to figure out what altitude we are at and think, “If someone would just open the door”  Please, just ten more jumps and I will even start reading the bible

again!”

I hope he was listening.

It’s been too long since I have put on my gear and headed to altitude. It’s been too long that I have stood at that door, the deafening sound of the wind

circling through the plane and jumped out into space. It’s been just too damn long.
I’m starting to understand what people that have a drug addiction feel like.
Every single night while laying in bed, I can feel my hands gripping the side of the plane…I can feel the air as it whips at me and wants me to let go.  Do I

realize I am standing on the outside of a plane? Do I realize that I am nearly 2 miles above the earth? No. All I feel is wind circling around me, taunting me to

play.
Dear Lord, just ten more jumps and I know that everything in my life will fall away and nothing else will matter. In ten jumps I will be surrounded by true

friends reaching out to dock with me, grip my hands and smile a REAL smile, a “We have been waiting for this, this is ours, no one in the world can EVER

take this away, Kristine…NO ONE.”

Just ten more jumps, God.  I promise after 10 more jumps I will be okay.

and I know after that ten…it will be ten more. I will keep my promise though.  Deal?

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25
Feb
Looking back and moving forward…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I had an awesome weekend with my whole family in Redding.  My little ones wanted to spend the week with their grandparents and auntie during their break.

Spoiled just doesn’t cover it.

They have been back this week, but since they missed karate last week they have to make up for it all week this week.
I’ve gotten home from work and they are already gone. It feels like a life time since I have been able to yell, beat or smother them with love!

My niece is getting married this summer, I know…I know…she’s SO young, and she wanted to get some shots taken in the town her dad grew up in.  It was so

weird taking her to all my old hangouts when I was a kid.  We visited one of the few lakes, the burned down old bar and the house we grew up in.  Yes, we were

living big and glamorous huh?

In order to get the shot, we had to get out of the car and work our way closer.  After taking the pictures, I looked at the house with new eyes.  I have a million

memories there, some of the good and more that really suck.  I don’t really remember us moving out. I just remembered that one day we didn’t live there

anymore and life was suddenly better for all of us.
I love it when you can look back at your past and see the future right there smiling at you.

I am hopeful and grateful that I have a future to look forward to…a very happy one.

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08
May
Mom.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. I know you all think you have the most amazing mother in the world, but I am going to go all 3rd grade right now and say, “My

mom is prettier than your mom! and she can probably beat your mom up, but she won’t because my mom is nice.”

It’s weird being a parent and looking back and my childhood through these eyes.  I mean, wow…my mom lucked out when she had me! I was a freaking angel!
Actually, it’s looking at my mother as she is at my age. I’m nearing forty and I remember thinking when my mom turned forty she was about as old as they

get. I didn’t think she would last much longer after that point.  It could have been the years of her telling me, “You better be good…I could die tomorrow.” or

just the fact that forty was SO old.

I still can’t see my mother aging.  That is probably one of the neatest things about loving someone with every ounce of love you have in your body…when

they age, they still look the same no matter what.  Is there an age she looks to me? No, she looks the same age as she has always looked.   I don’t want to see

a day come that I look at my mother in shock and realize that she’s not the strong, smart, funny and indestructible woman she has always been. I don’t want

to see her frail and having to fight.  Because of this fear, I will have to smother her while she sleeps…if my sister hasn’t done it already.

It’s days like this…where I am in a crappy mood because my plans were turned upside and I didn’t get what I wanted that I look at my daughters on the couch

watching TV.  I’m sitting there with them and I wonder if they see me the way I see my mother. I don’t look the same as I did 5 years ago, 10 years ago…do

they not notice that gravity is taking it’s toll on my poor body?  Or will they always see me as the woman they want to see me as?  The fearless, strong and

funny mother who drags them on crazy adventures, much like my mother did with me? God I hope so.

I wish I could hang out with my mother when we were the same age.  My mother at 38…I was there, but where was I?  Why was I so caught up in my own life

that I can’t remember?  I bet we would have gotten into a lot of trouble, us two. I bet I could have talked her into doing some of the stuff I do now…and she

probably would have been able to give me pointers on how to not give a shit what people think and just let it roll off my back.

My mom and I have an awesome relationship, she is really, genuinely one of the most amazingly stubborn, bullheaded, pain in the ass mother’s you would

ever know.  She is has all the love in the world for the people she cares for and she NEVER holds back that love…well, except when you piss her off…but she

never stops loving with all that she has.

I want to be more like mother. I want to look like her, be like her. Not smell like her, because she is reallllllly reeallllly old and you know old people usually

smell like stale farts and bad perfume.   I’m kidding…she only buys the super expensive perfume (to cover up the stale fart smell)

I love you, Mommasita.  You’re a unmeasurable brat. You are the original funny lady.  I do not take for granted the genes you have passed on to me…the

good ones and the bad ones.  I love the sound of your voice and the way you taught me the fine art of a tackle hug.  I love your cold hands and feet on me

when we snuggle in bed to watch TV.  I love how you have passed your evil laugh down to me and it is slowly being cultivated into your grand daughters.  I

love how you love. I love how you can hold a grudge for years. I love that we still follow by the rules you have set down for us even though we are older now

and could put you in a home or snap your neck a twig (you would put up a good fight at first!)

Thanks for being the most amazing role model.  Happy Mother’s Day.

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05
May
Miss. Understood
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I posted this picture on my Flickr account and people thought I spent the weekend GETTING MARRIED.

I’m not really sure how to be more clear, so I am going to use the words of a dear friend; “Hell to the mother fuckin’ No.”
It has nothing to do with my ability to ever commit again. It has nothing to do with not ‘being open to happiness.’.  I am committed. I am very open to being

happy.  Thankfully, I trust again too.  I just will NEVER in this life time get married again.

Do I believe in marriage?  Very much so. I know a lot of people that are very happily married. I love going to weddings and being a part of that moment when

the pastor/preacher/father is praying over the rings and all that good stuff.  I love the look on the bride’s face when she’s sputtering through her vows, looking

at her man with such love. The moment when the groom sees his bride coming down the isle in the dress he has heard about for months on end but never

seen.  For those two people, it’s an amazingly beautiful thing and I have been more than blessed to have spent that day with many people.

I put in my time. I had that first marriage where I believed there was nothing in the world that would tear us apart and I would be his bride forever.
I even had that second marriage where I believed the vows, “forsaking all others”.

Being in love is the greatest thing in the world for me. When I am in love I am a different person with him than I am with anyone else. I don’t see anyone in my

life but him.  Right now, I am very, very, very happy and very much in love.  I don’t want a ring or a ceremony. This feeling I have right now is more than I

could have ever have asked for. It’s better than anything else anyone could offer me.  His high pitched voice when he gets worked up about something makes

me smile. His obnoxious eye rolling makes me giggle.  His inability to sit down for more than 5 minutes is amusing.  When I am sitting next to him and he

reaches over to hold my hand makes my heart skip a beat.  The way I make him laugh out of the blue makes all the really stupid stuff we put each other

through, seem small and insignificant.

I believe in marriage, but I think the commitment we make to each other every day is more important.

So no, I didn’t get married…but two really awesome people did and I couldn’t be more proud to have been a part of it.

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29
Apr
Kara’s New Toy…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


We have been wanting a fisheye lens for a lonnnnnng time but we could never afford it, still can’t…so we bought the less expensive one. It’s not as fun as the

one I use to play with at the camera store, but it’s fun trying to get the shot we want.

We have this lens that we got off Ebay a million years ago that never worked on my D70, but it works on Kara’s D50. We put the lens on that one and use it as

our dedicated fish eye camera!  I took it out to the dropzone and got some of the accuracy landings. I have a lot of ideas for shots, but not enough time

anymore to do the fun stuff I like.

I know…make time. I am…I have all kinds of beautiful, wonderful plans for the summer. Bring it on!

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26
Apr
Brrr.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


It was too beautiful to sit at home this weekend! I grabbed my girls and we headed to the lake! I see a whole summer full of trips to the lake. I may need to find

a place that doesn’t charge though.

*cough*

I got sick though. I’m smart enough to know better, but I am still blaming the lake’s freezing cold water…even though I know that isn’t how people get sick…

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25
Apr
HOLY CAMPING GEAR, BATMAN!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Just got out all my gear…bring on the summer!

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24
Apr
Something to be said about saying nothing at all…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
There had to be a ‘one year’ mark.
I remember thinking, “Dear God, I wish it was like a year from now so I could be through all these feelings and crap and be over this!”
Hello One Year!
I had the moment the other night, sitting here in the same place I was when he walked out…and I thought, “HOLY FUCK, who would have EVER guessed all

the things I would have become and experienced that night last year!?”

I didn’t want to let anyone ever love me again. I did.
I never wanted to trust my heart to someone else again. I did.
Never wanted to trust another person as long as I live. I am.
Didn’t want to sleep, in fear of the dreams. I sleep.
Didn’t want to move forward because I thought I would crumble. I DID NOT CRUMBLE!

This has been the most wonderful year of my whole life.  I owe that to the amazing people who have come into it. They say when you finally close a door, a

window opens.
I think in this case, I closed the window … and a door opened.  That door just happened to be the door of an airplane and into a world of strong women,

honest men and the only way to really NEVER take this life for granted.

I owe it to my amazing children.  I told Kara last night, “I am not only proud of you…I have PRIDE being your mother!”  Sometimes my whole body and heart

just swells with the amount of pride I have for them.  Such amazing strength can be found in these three little girls.  Growing up to be gentle, warm hearted,

smart, STRONG, funny little women!

So this is the last time I will mark the ‘date’ and recognize it.  There are better milestones with whole new dates in my future!

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20
Apr
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I’m trying to turn this picture into a cartoon graphic. Any ideas anyone?

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17
Apr
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Had a blast today at Marine World with the boys and my daughter, Shea…who I am shocked at how beautiful she is getting every single day.

I brought the point and click so I wasn’t carting the big ol’ camera around and it died on me so I had to resort to the oldest camera I had. I was shocked it still

worked.

For those of you looking for a reliable point and click…get a Kodak. Nikon’s suck. Yes, I just said Nikon suck. My next DSLR will be probably be a Canon. Yes,

you heard me right again!

On a different note: Kara’s second pack job opened on heading.
Alyx’s Sim Family is growing.
Shea’s hair is nearly long enough to donate to Locks of Love

I am doing fantastic. Every bone in my body hurts, but I had a great day with little man, BAY and Bailey Bunz. I wish every weekend could be that fun!

Good night…it’s CUDDLE TIME!

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15
Apr
Goat Chasing!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


So much fun!

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10
Apr
Today I pick, Grateful.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


The final load was done and everyone was gathered at the creeper pad to talk about the accuracy landings, the hard opening from that afternoon or who was

all going over to the Oka Cup ceremony dinner.  I snapped this picture of Reno and Amanda because I felt like I was capturing a real moment in the day.  As a

skydiver, the best part of the day is any day that the sun is up, the planes are going and your parachute opens.  As a photographer, my favorite part of the day

at the dropzone is at 3pm when the morning loads are finished and the afternoon loads are heading up.  There is a lull in the dropzone where the morning

jumpers are tired and are relaxing on the couches…almost in a daze…as the afternoon jumpers are getting jazzed to be going up. It makes for a strange

atmosphere…and of course it’s my favorite time to capture pictures.

Last weekend I made it out to the dropzone a little late. I watched the accuracy jumpers as they slowly made their way to the little, black pad.  I snapped a

million pictures with a new lens and smiled when I finally got the one I wanted.  The sun was out and the couches outside were all warm.   Wendi and I sat out

there watching the landings, whispering our stories to each other, then reassuring each other that everything will work out the way it’s spose to.  My mood

could have been better, but because of the place I was, my pictures reflected how I was feeling.

When I posted this picture on Facebook, Reno said she liked it because it depicted the bond between women skydivers. I looked at the picture again with eyes

of someone that knows these two women and the road they have been on and what lead them to decide to spend their free time jumping from airplanes.  Yes,

there is a bond between women that do this sport that may or may not be there with men jumpers.  We all respect each other, but the bond created with

women, these women that I call my family, is beautiful.

Today I am grateful.
I am grateful that in a few hours I will meet these women and we will spend a few hours chasing goats.  No, that isn’t a skydiving term…we are actually going

to go help a friend herd goats. The amount of excited I am…is stupid. Anyone that will listen, “I’m chasing goats this weekend!”

Today I am grateful.
I woke up with someone that truly loves me for all that I am, all that I am not and all that I want to become.  Later when I see him again, he will grin and I know

that he is grinning because I am there and there is a chance that one of us will say something funny and we will laugh.  He will grab me as I am walking by

and pull me into his arms and squeeze.  It’s those little things that I am most grateful for and I will never take for granted.

Today I am grateful.
I got to walk out and see my beautiful daughter and beautiful step daughter sleeping on the couches.  I sat and watched as Marina made her way around the

kitchen trying to make oatmeal for her and Kara.  I love how when she wakes up she still does the same little nose rub thing she has always done.  Sometimes

she still looks 11 to me with her morning ponytail all messed up and pushed over to the side.  I am grateful for her dorky eyerolls when she is telling a story

or how  her and Kara, when telling a story, will tag team it and laugh when each other are telling the next part of it.  It feels like an improved skit when they say

the same thing at the same time and then both crack up at each other.  I am grateful that I am still Wah-Ma and I get the same hugs and kisses I have always

gotten.

Today I am grateful.
I am grateful for those little things too.
My camera batteries are all charged and the flash cards are cleaned off.
It’s not too hot, but it’s not raining.
I have forty whole dollars for the weekend.
That I keep getting to giggle thinking of when Tabitha popped her head over the backyard fence yesterday and said, Hi-ddy Ho, Neighbor! and it scared the

shit out of Lester and made him scream like a girl and almost throw a brick at her!
I am grateful for Lodi Cam so I can get up on the weekends and see if anyone is at the dropzone without having to send 40 texts to 40 different people.
I am SO grateful for my best friend, Wendi.  I don’t need to say anymore. She knows how awesome she is.

It’s April…and I’m doing okay today…and for that, I am grateful.

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18
Jun
Blue Skies
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I got a text yesterday, “Someone died at Lodi today.”  My heart stopped and I tried to remember who I had talked to on Facebook from the dropzone that

morning.  It felt like someone just shook my brain and I couldn’t get it to slow down quick enough to roll through everyone I love there.
My friend Wendi pulled her car over and we began dialing the numbers of our skyfamily, hoping beyond hope that they answered.

It wasn’t either of them, but the news was heartbreaking none the less. We lost one of our women jumpers and the loved one of someone we all care very

deeply for.   The reports are indicating that it wasn’t an accident and my heart breaks even more for those in her inner circle.

The impact on Facebook is one I knew would come.  I saw a post from someone telling one of our team members to please stop jumping. I read some very

hurtful things on the news bog comment section saying that if we are that stupid to jump out of a plane that we deserve what happens.  To that I say, ‘fuck

you, asshole’.
It’s time like this that I begin to get frustrated with people who don’t understand this sport….or any sport for that matter.
There is risk in EVERY single thing you do.
Should we say to a bikecyclist, “Well, if he’s dumb enough to ride his bike on a street with cars, he deserved to be hit!” Or the mountain climber, ‘If he’s

dumb enough to try to climb it…” or what about the story a friend told me before I started skydiving about how one of his patients was getting on a bus,

slipped and hit her head and died.”  Should she be told that because she was stupid enough to ride a bus, she deserved to die? No.  If it’s in a sport or

driving to work…there is a risk.

In skydiving the rules of safety isn’t something we take lightly or disregard at whim.  Not only are we trained by people that have spent their lives learning this

sport and going through training themselves just to be able to train someone else, we are SURROUNDED by people that look out for each other.   The things

we do to ensure our safety isn’t something that someone on the outside of our sport sees. For that, I understand their ignorance.  I was that ignorant.  I was

that person who said it was stupidest thing in the whole world and there was no way in hell you would get me to do it.   After I did it though, I got it on a whole

new level.  It took me quite some time and training by one amazing instructor that taught me what it means to be safe.
I have learned from those around me about stepping back when you shouldn’t jump.  One of the girls wasn’t jumping because her AAD needed to be

replaced. She refused to jump without it.  Another one rode the plane up and when she realized she couldn’t see her dropzone she opted to ride the plane

down.  The winds are too fast, the plane doesn’t go up.  Every six months our rigger has a warehouse full of parachutes that need to have their reserve

repacked and that means that there are skydivers itching to get back into the sky, but know the rules of safety and will have to wait.  When packing a

parachute, you might get a perfect stranger walk up to you and say, ‘i think that needs to be checked.’ and points something out.  Do we get pissed? no.

Because that is a part of this sport, watching out for our friends in the sky.

Recently I have been blessed enough to be allowed to be a part of an amazing group of women skydivers (and ground crew) and it’s not just the time in the

sky that we support each other, it’s in our everyday life.  We have each other programmed in our phones and we celebrate each others accomplishments and

are saddened when the others are going through something.  We support each other outside of the sport and because this group of women are so amazing,

we have a group of awesome men that stand behind us and support us.
I guess there is something to be said about jumping out of planes, it just makes all the drama on the ground seem a little more manageable.

I’m sorry we lost one of our skyfamily. I do hope that the next time someone opens their mouth and says something as crass as ‘we deserve’ it, they choke on

their saliva.  Then someone can tell them, “That’s the risk you take when you breathe.”

Blue Skies.

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17
Jun
The family tree just got bigger
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
After work I like to curl up into a little ball on my bed and cry like a little bitch while rocking back and forth repeating, ‘i want my mommy’.  Last night the girls

wouldn’t allow me to do that because each one had something really important to tell me and kept bursting into the room.
Now, I’m not really sure if they got together and collaborated this prank, but they have been talking a lot quieter than normal.
“Whhhhaaat?” I keep asking them when they talk.
They repeat what they said and I swear, they don’t increase the volume to which they are speaking…they just talk slower as if they they are talking to someone

sitting there with drool coming out of their mouth and blinking rapidly.
“Don’t talk SLOWER, talk LOUDER!”  One of those little shit mumbled something about ‘hearing aides’ when walking out.

Last night they wanted to go to the go-carts and race. My head hurt and I felt sick, but because Kara’s boyfriend is in town visiting, I thought I would pull it

together.
I don’t talk about Kara’s boyfriend because I will get shit for allowing her to have a boyfriend who lives 2,000 miles away and that she met on the internet. They

have been together for about 2 years and try as I might to break them up, they have stayed together as if the stars and moon destined them to be together and

all that soul mate mumbo-jumbo.  Her relationship is stronger than my last marriage and who am I to point fingers and tell her she can’t date someone she

met on the internet?
He sold his car to come to California for new years and then again for her junior prom.  He’s a good kid, but he’s scared of me, and for good reason…I will kill

him if he hurts my daughter…and I might have said exactly that and some other choice words before I really knew him.  He’s also scared of my boyfriend who

threatened to send him home in Ziplock bag if he messed up.

Kara insists that he’s funny, but because every time I walk into the room he wets himself a little bit, I have never seen this ‘funny side’ of him.
This visit, he’s getting a little more comfortable hanging out with me.
We were in the car last night and Kara let him ride up front because she no longer has the fear that at any point, I might open the door and push him out. She

was in the backseat with her sisters singing every song that was on the radio, OVER the singer.
I kept changing the channels hoping to find a song they didn’t know, but when I realized they are the human equivalent of a radio station music vault, I turned

it off and to make a point I said loudly, “FINE! SING TO ME!”
Patrick in a broken, scared voice instantly started singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

The little shithead actually made me laugh so hard I started to cry.

He’ll fit in just fine.

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16
Jun
Letter to Kristine in her 20′s.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


My FB/Blog friend, Cecily, posted the letter that she wrote to her 20 year self after reading one her friend had written. I too, took on the challenge. It’s funny

what we learn in the process.

Dear 20 something year old Kristine,

I’ve struggled with what I should tell you. The things you did in your 20′s is what got me to here, and ‘here’ is really good.  I don’t think I would have enjoyed

being ‘here’ if I didn’t go through the things I did.

First off, stay fearless.  Somewhere in your 20′s you lost that side of yourself. You tucked it so far away that the 38 year old you is still having a hard time

getting that back.
You’ll marry that guy you met on the motorcycle on Mother’s Day on your way to see your mom and sister.  He will try to pull out even more fearlessness in

you…let him.  In fact, you’ll pay for him to go skydiving shortly after you get into your 20′s.  When he says, “Kristine, you will LOVE THIS! you have to try it.”

don’t be so closed to the idea because the thought scares the living shit out of your more than being being attacked in a parking lot and beat to death.  Go

with him.  I know, I know…you just threw up a little thinking about it.
But then again, maybe you shouldn’t because when you do it in your late 30′s, it’s magical and changes your life forever.

Remember that time in the bedroom in the apartment when you were 18 and you screamed at your clothing because it didn’t fit?  Here’s a newsflash sweetie;

all of your 20′s you’ll be pregnant anyway so don’t sweat it.   At the end of your 20′s after you have that last kid, join a gym.
But then again, maybe you shouldn’t because that woman who was squishy from all the baby fat…got me to the woman I am now, and I know I’m far from

‘hot’, but I’m not too obsessed with how I look and trying to find 100 new ways to look better, and that makes more time to spend with the people I love.

You’re going to meet someone that changes all that hurt you felt and he’s going to make everything right in your world.  He’s going to help you heal all those

wounds you didn’t know you had. He’s going to teach you how to trust yourself and those around you again….and you’re going to screw it up somehow…my

advise you is, don’t screw it up!  Don’t let the circumstance of the love you have and the distance between you put a knife in it.
But then again, screw it up…because in your late 30′s you’re going to meet someone that makes all the stupid shit you went through in your early 30′s worth it

and if you didn’t mess that one up, you wouldn’t be with him.

In a last ditch effort to find something to give you…
Don’t worry about what you’re friends think.  They all suck and you won’t be friends with any of them later in life anyway.  Actually there is one friend that

sticks by you…listen to her because later in life she’ll give you advise you won’t listen to and it fucks some things up, ROYALLY. She should be your best

friend, but she’s not…but be good to her because you’re going to need her in your 30′s.
All that stress over being a step parent and making sure you’re doing it right, don’t stress that shit,  it turns out the way it was spose to turn out and no matter

how hard you try to be the perfect step parent, it doesn’t mean anything.
Don’t let Dan remove the fence in the backyard of the house you buy, you’ll spend the next 20 years trying to kill the weeds that come from behind that fence.

Digital cameras are not just a phase.
Don’t sell your Mustang, you’ll miss it in your 30′s.

Make all the same mistakes, just do it gracefully.  Your 30′s are going to start out amazing and then it sucks and then it gets pretty amazing again.  All the

stupid mistakes and neat things you’re doing in your 20′s will get me right to where I am today and 38 year old Kristine found out what it means to be strong

and that no matter what, I will survive and life goes on.

Love,
Late 30′s Kristine

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12
Jun
Same ol’ song and dance
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


What a bizarre week this has been and to end it off,  the wind is circling around, racing from tree to tree.  I keep hearing loud crashing and I find new stuff in

my yard has been relocated to someplace else.

Last night wasn’t any better. It made for great ‘walking’ weather though.  It was a beautiful night and after a long day it felt good to get outside, holding hands

and just talking.  We both have many years with many memories we can talk about and I love to hear things about the time he was in another country. He likes

the stories I tell that make him laugh.  We did both.
In the middle of the journey was  park and we enjoyed swinging and wearing our old arms out.  It felt good to be alive last night. It felt good to talk without

hesitation or reserve. It felt good to have my best friend with me again…and to laugh so hard I cry.

The best thing about this new life is knowing what is enough and not setting expectations too high or so high they can’t be met.

Right now, this is enough.

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10
Jun
Bleck!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I just started taking a new route to and from work in the morning. I have avoided the route because I was certain that it wasn’t as fast as the route I have been

taking and because I would stop at my boyfriend’s on the way home sometimes.

The new route feels longer because it’s boring.  Outside of the giant silver cock and the interesting signs people put on the telephone polls, it’s pretty boring.

This morning ride sucked. Tonight’s ride will suck.
I hate having that much time to think..think..think.

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04
Jun
It stayed in Vegas!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I agreed to a 9+ hour drive to Las Vegas to hang out with my boyfriend’s  ex-sister-in-law (but they are like brother and sister the way they bicker at each other

all cute like).
The number 1 thing I HAD to see was the “Boneyard”. It’s the neon sign museum. The last time I was in Vegas they had just imploded The Stardust and I have

a picture of just some of the sign.  It was so neat seeing all the old ones from years ago.  Come to find out, it was the last tour of the Boneyard until they make

a new one later this year.

Later in the day we drove out to Hoover Dam. I took pictures, but realized there is just NO possible way to absorb the enormity of the thing through pictures.

At night we sat around and enjoyed BBQ steak.  Life was good for a few days. That drive though…it can suck it.  I’m just glad that I had someone that didn’t

mind driving the whole way there and back. He enjoyed that I slept most of the way and would shut up.  I’m trying to imagine some of the things he must have

been thinking while I was asleep…that’s a long drive…and then I realized I knew him well enough to know that he was probably just thinking about boobies.

The power went out the day after I got home and I was forced to read a book that has been screaming at me. The book is called “Eating Animals”.  It is one

man’s journey to becoming a vegetarian. I knew when I started it that I didn’t want to be a vegetarian, I just wanted to be more informed.  Because the power

was out forever, I read the whole thing. It’s been 4 days and I can’t bring myself to look at meat anymore, let alone imagine ever eating it again.  Powerful

book is an understatement. If you like eating meat, like I did, don’t read the book.

The week flew by and it’s now Friday. I’m spending the night with Tabitha tonight. Yes,  pigs are flying around handing out ice water to people to in hell.  We

went to the senior informative night because our daughters will be graduating from high school next year and they asked that junior parents please help

provide help at Senior Grad night.  “Ohhh, that will be fun!” so we signed up together and now the night has come and we are thinking, “fuck, we are too old

to be up all night with a bunch of teenagers!”  but we will do it.  We both agreed that this coming year we are going to do our best to be more active in the

school…I mean, we are paying up the ass for our kids to have an awesome senior year with the trips, picnics, proms and all the other fun stuff that comes

along with your last year of high school….we might as well enjoy it right along with them.
I even got all the information together to make sure that we get a skydiver to land in the stadium at Homecoming next year.  Yeah, I know…best mom….EVER.

My life is going pretty good right now. Things are changing around and settling in to a new pattern. The sun is out and I am laughing more than I have in a

very long time.  I have set aside all the BS and got to know Tabitha outside of the person she was made out to be and the person I wanted her to be.  Yes, as

mentioned before, she’s crazy as fuck and sometimes not in the best way…but not as bad as I thought.  My friend, Wendi has found her spot in my life and

finding her way in her own and it’s awesome to see her transformation. My love life is exactly that, LOVE.  It’s new. It’s not the same old jokes over and over.

It’s not wondering what he’s thinking because he will tell me. It’s not wondering what he is really doing.
And my kids…LOVING being a mother right now. It was rough for awhile, but it’s better once the outside was left there…on the outside.  Kara is my daughter

of adventure. She sent me a text the other day, “Beautiful day for skydiving.” and Alyx sent me a text that said, “8th grade”  My heart exploded with such pride.

They are growing up so fast and I am doing this on my own and it feels awesome!  Shea gave me a hug the other day and I realized that she is like my auntie

Shirley…the one that gives the best hugs.  She’s going to be the person people go to when they need one of those real, genuine from the heart hugs.  I am

blessed in so many ways!

For those of you that are just beginning this new life of yours, be it because your husband was douche, you lost your mind and decided you needed a change,

life was just too overwhelming the way it was, your wife just wouldn’t accept you for who you really are or you just said, “ENOUGH” and started over: it’s scary

out here…but when it’s not scary anymore, it’s a fucking blast and I wouldn’t trade it for anything!

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26
May
It doesn’t look like much…but it’s MINE!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Shea came home with this and at first, second or third glance you can’t figure out what it is…but I knew what it was the second I saw it!

Her and her friend from school made me a three-way skydiving team!  It’s Me, Wendi and Reno…if we all had dark hair! She even remembered to put an

altimeter on one.

I am so proud of this!!

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20
May
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

Lodi Dropzone 2010

They installed meter lights on the freeway ramp in the town I live in.  At first it bugged me because It was throwing off my onramp mojo. I had finally figured

out what the perfect speed was that wouldn’t cause me to over correct and end up in the fast lane going the wrong way.
Today I got on the ramp and I’m not sure if it was the song on the radio, the mood I was in or just because it was Thursday, but as I pulled up behind the car I

looked over and saw the meter lights….green….red….green….red….and all the sudden I was John Force inching my way to the starting line.

I took off from the line, passed the Toyota Corolla…my hair flying in the wind and laughing with victory.   Then the traffic came to a dead stop and I was back

in my Honda Civic on my way to work.
For 3 minutes every morning…I am a NHRA drag racer and that is enough for me.

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19
May
It’s called a lance….helllllooooo.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
It’s time to count my blessings and things I am happy for (even if they aren’t my blessings)

1. I have a couple of things I am looking forward to. ROAD TRIP!
2. My friend Will is fighting this Friday and we have a huge group of friends that will be screaming for him from the ringside.
3. My friend Amanda got a new jump suit and it looks really cute on her.
4. I have amazing friends in my life.
5. As crazy as it is, work is going great.
6. Last weekend was relaxing and probably one of the nicest weekends I’ve had in a long time.
7. My morning texts that make me smile every single time I get them.
8. Wendi got a new car and she loves it!
9. My daughters are awesome, amazing, beautiful and strong…and they love me to death!
10. Tyler graduated from college.
11. Ed is always there to suggest a good bottle of wine on days that suck or need to be celebrated.
12. Tabitha is on day 2 of no smoking.
13. Shea loved her new bike she got for her birthday.
14. Making someone laugh about my Chardonnay induced texting.
15. John answers his phone at 7:30am or 5pm when I am battling road rage!
16. “You’re a crazy woman, but I love you anyway.”
17.  That I can call a day a cocksuckingmotherfucker and it will make Wendi laugh for 3 minutes.
18.  Kara when she says, “I KNOW, HUH?” It makes me giggle.
19. Alyx helping Shea with her homework and studying for a test.
20. Even when days suck…I can come to Random and Odd and write about it and it doesn’t seem so bad anymore.

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10
May
There were oh so many roads…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


There is a saying, “An ex is an ex for a reason.”  sometimes we forget that saying when we forget why we ended a relationship in the first place.
I am well aware of why I ended certain relationships…I know why ones were ended with me.
I’ve made the mistake of getting back with someone that I or he broke up.  It’s usually within a week that I am reminded of why we broke up. It’s the “Ahhhh-

yeahhhhh.” moment.
Crash Test Dummy advice 101: Do not get back with an ex.

There is a question in the “Table Top Questions” I ordered offline that asks if I would ever get back together with an ex.  My response is, “NEVER.”
When answering this question a follow up question was asked, “Even if were for the kids?”
“Never. Not even for the kids.”  My kids know I am happy and there are new adventures ahead of us.
After that question was answered, another question was asked, “ANY EX?”
I had to Rolodex through the boyfriends I have had in the past and stop at each one and fast forward to those last days.
“When I am with someone I don’t see myself with anyone else. I have blinders on.  I am in a relationship and I don’t see myself with anyone else. He is the

world to me.”   was my inadequate response.
I should have known there would be alterations to the question.
“If you weren’t with someone.”

There was a point in my life when I was truly broken and someone was there to pick up those pieces for me and help me heal.

“just one.”

I think we all have a ‘just one’ in life.  Sometimes it’s the person that made us feel beautiful and whole again…for some people it’s the one that got away.

Sometimes is someone we did wrong and wish we could go back and make it better.  Maybe all three.

Or maybe it’s just feeling young and stupid when sometimes ‘young and stupid’ feels better than where we are at that point in life.

Then I remember the beautiful places I have been and all the wonderful adventures I will go on and know that I made all the right choices that got me to this

place.

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28
Jul
Bumper Stickers
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I was never a fan of bumper stickers until I started driving a POS car…er..I mean, “sweet ride”.
My friend, Heather from  http://www.212degreedesigns.com/ makes all the coolest stickers.  If you’re a skydiver at Lodi you probably have one on your helmet

or something on the back of your car…or you might find a few on the plane!
If you’re into Roller Derby you’ve seen her work… she’s ALL over the place. In fact one of her stickers is in a movie…and about 400 skydiving videos!

On my way to work today I contemplated calling her and having her make me a new one; “Get off my ass or I will slam on the brakes and take the risk of you

slamming into the back of me! I don’t care anymore! I will stop this car, get out and pull you from your car and beat the living hell out of you, you fucking

idiot rat bastard!”

Yes, I realize I will need a pretty small font.

I drive to work every day and usually I do pretty good.  For those of you that don’t remember the anxiety thing I battle, I still have it, but I keep it managed.

UNTIL SOMEONE RIDES MY ASS ON THE WAY TO WORK.

I calculated the last year of driving to and from work comes to about 480  hours.  How in the world haven’t I killed someone yet because they pulled up too

fast behind me, followed too close or was just a straight up ass behind the wheel?

Baby Steps, Dr. Marvin have turned into RUN FOREST RUN moments.   I’m getting better!

I could use that bumper sticker though!

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25
Jul
DROP THE OAR!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


What a fabulous weekend!

Decided it was time to get out all the gear and head up to the lake.   It was  a good choice for a weekend get away…EXACTLY what was needed.

Did some fishing…caught nothing but some sun.

At night I could hear something moving around in the woods and since that something wasn’t carrying a flashlight I knew it had to be an animal.
“Look, can you see the eyes?” I tried to show Lester.
“Nope.”
A couple of nights before we went camping we were running around the school trying to get a picture of a skunk so it wasn’t out of the ordinary that we would

go investigate what made the loud sound.
I put the flashlight back out to where I thought I saw the eyes. Lester said, “No, to the left a little. Closer the bush that looks like antlers.”
The bush ended up being an enormous 8 point buck. He wasn’t alone either, with his 8 point buck brother. It was amazing to watch them just chilling out

there, somewhat unafraid of us humans.

The second night was relaxing as well.   He started building the bonfire at 11am and kept looking at me for the okay to start it up.  I caved in around 6pm.

In the morning we were like a well trained packing team and got the truck loaded up and back on the road and headed for the nice hot showers at home.
Ten minutes of scrubbing my feet and washing my hair about 3 times did the trick.

Good memories.

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18
Jul
You know when…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
You know when something shitty happens between you and a friend, or boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or coworker and you’re going through it…your

friends always say, “it’s not you, it’s THEM.”  and that’s spose to make you feel better?
It never really does make you feel better because as natural humans we figure it has to be something we did, said or just is to have caused it to happen in the

first place.
You go through all your faults with a fine tooth comb and think of everything you did that MIGHT have caused the other person to get weird and not be your

friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or coworker that was once cool to you, but now isn’t.
I went to the umptenth degree of analyzing what I could have done that caused me to get to where we were…thinking it was the new set of TV shows I had

added to the Tivo.  Yes, THAT HAD TO BE IT. Maybe that show was the one thing that set that person over the edge.
Crazy, yes…but that’s what someone does. It’s what *I* did.

Then you hit the next phase…maybe it WAS the other person.  In the back of your head though…you still think it was because of something you did…because

that person seems to be alright now.

HA!  Let me just say this…when someone says, “it’s not you, it’s them..”  BELIEVE THEM.

I am finally free of all those doubts because I got the validation I needed in an text today!

I am moving on with a clear head and knowing that there wasn’t a damn thing I could have done or been to change the outcome!

THANK YOU JESUS, HOLY SPIRIT, KARMA GODDESS or whatever higher force it was that brought it.

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15
Jul
Pork Roast with Carolina Gravy!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Today sucked so I decided to do what my sister does when she has a rough day. I pulled up a recipe I wanted to try.  Money being tight I went with Pork

Roast.   Yes, meat…I went about a month before I caved.

Kara and Shea decided to help me out.  We turned on the music and began cutting up the onions, leeks and garlic.  After we finished reducing it all down and

put it in the dutch oven, Shea helped me core the mushrooms so we can stuff and bake them.

They turned what was a crappy day into something fun with my girls.

For the recipe CLICK HERE.

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14
Jul
spotting…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I love this picture.  What is cool, if you look at the plane door you can see the wingsuiters waiting to come out behind him.



Ed and Kara geeking the camera under canopy!

I was looking at Patrick’s pictures on Facebook and his caption under the one where his canopy is opening he wrote, “thank god”.   It made me laugh,

because that is what I say every time I look up and it’s done sniveling the opening.  KA-POW it opens!

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08
Jul
I haven’t changed, but I am not the same.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I was watching a tv show the other day and the premise of the show was that their son had been kidnapped.
It was painful to watch just because the content alone is the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. The moment that grabbed me was when the once

loving couple turned on each other. The husband looked at his wife and said, “This is your fault.”
My heart broke because that is the reality of what normally happens.  When something horrible occurs, either you bond together as a team or you turn on

each other.
Over watching something is not uncommon for me.  I thought about the moment she looked at her husband and he said those words to her and everything in

their lives that lead them to that point.  Did she ever believe when she was safe in his arms that someday he was going to turn against her?
When you allow someone into your life you have to wonder how they would react in a time of crisis.  If the thought, “She’s going to leave me if….” Probably

means that person won’t be allowed to get too close to you. I know as a woman that feeling of ‘safe’ is the greatest feeling in the world.

I was never attracted to the bad boys.  My first boyfriend wasn’t attractive to me until I saw the other side to his personality. That fiercely loyal side.  I knew

when I told him my secrets and opened up to him that it wouldn’t ever be used against me.  For the most part, he did a pretty good job of it.  Being the ‘bad

boy’ and also being someone I know would walk through fire for me (or in his case, thrown THROUGH the fire by one of my girlfriends) wasn’t always easy.

When it came down to ‘it’, that critical moment, those make or break times, he didn’t let me down.  I never questioned it because I didn’t know those ‘it’ times

existed.  I was a teenager and the worst of our worries were if we were going to have a ride to the party we were going to that weekend.

When I married Dan there wasn’t a question either.  I never thought there would come a time when I would lose my mind and I was always there for him

anyway.   As it turned out, our ‘it’ times came frequently. Many times I was the one that wanted to walk away.  There was a point in my pregnancy that I was

pretty sure that he would have given birth for me if it would make me feel more safe.   He did all he could, but the end result is that I didn’t feel safe and

needed to find someone that was on Team Kristine and if I couldn’t find that person I would just have to enjoy the rest of the time I had learning how to make

myself feel safe.

I did learn a lot in between my first and second marriage.  I figured out the types of people I wanted in my life and types that I could do without. Personality

traits that I were deal breakers and things that you overlook because the whole of the picture is bigger than the flaw.
When I finally decided to remarry again I was pretty certain the whole picture was better than the flaws, the personality traits were something that I loved and

the overall feeling of knowing that I had finally found someone on MY side and ‘safe’ wasn’t even a question.   I was Fort Knox safe.

That show, when the wife looked up from the teddy bear she was holding and looked into his eyes and said, “you’re blaming me?” and you see that at that

moment there is no going back.  That man she had chosen to keep her safe that she never felt would turn on her was.  I could feel her throat close in, because

mind did watching it.

As I reevaluate my choices, I think about where I went wrong and how to avoid that pitfall in the future.  What was the one thing that would have tipped me off?

  Yes, the neon banner  and marching band should have been enough, but again TH E BIG PICTURE was more important.
Maybe that is where this is getting me to, “The Big Picture”.
An old friend use to talk about cosmic consciousness.  It seems like lately I have been hearing things that I am finding pertain to this path that I am skipping

along down.  For example I heard that women statically are attracted to certain features in men.  They may not be aware of them and clearly each woman is

different, but they want symmetrical features, smaller feet,  long legs…Okay, I just realized that the studies that I was looking at is pointing to the fact that

women should just be attracted to women!
Anyway, the thing is, I keep hearing things that lead me to believe that there is a certain ‘type’ I look for.  If you were to look at my track record you would say,

“I finally understand why she picked Random and Odd to be her online name!”  there is nothing visually common between ALL of them.   I’m thinking that

personally I am attracted to is someone that will be there in those ‘it’ moments and will still be there long after the walls have fallen. The thing is, the one I

thought would…didn’t.  So where does that lead me?  I realize that looking at the relationship I am in right now is pointless because what I believed to be the

ultimate safe wasn’t.

There is no way to avoid being with someone and not having the ‘it’ moments.  Closing myself off to caring if that person will be there will just make me bitter

and mean.

I thought by now I would have it all figured out.  The only thing I do know is that in those moments I need to know that *I* am there and no matter how bad it

gets, I can’t really leave myself and it does me no good to be the one that turns on myself and make myself feel worse.

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06
Jul
Dear Brats,
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
If I am nice enough to buy you candy, please don’t use the door handle in my car as your personal trash can for the wrappers the candy came in.

Love,

Mom

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05
Jul
Amazing 4th of July!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

It feels like forever since I was ‘home’. This weekend, even though I wasn’t really here, I was very much ‘at home’.

Friday night we had a backyard camping trip with a fire pit and smores.  Someone was having a raging party and had several bands playing and it sounded

like we were on the outskirts of a concert.  After the music died down we climbed into the tent and Alyx and I talked for what seemed like hours. Shea was fast

asleep doing her adorable little snoring and cuddling.
In the morning I was to drop them off so the girls could spend the traditional 4th of July with their daddy, but convinced them that a quick trip to the dropzone

was needed.  The dropzone is almost an hour away when it’s not a holiday weekend, so we had time in the car to sing and talk even more. I heard all about

their camping trip with their paw-paw and the week they spent with my mom.  The whole time I was so grateful to have them home and to be giggling again. I

didn’t realize how much of a part they play in my everyday being until they came back and I felt whole again.

The fourth of July last year is when I started skydiving school.  Walking in a year later made me nearly cry. In a year I have met some of the most amazing

people. Every time I am there, I meet someone new that becomes close to me.  This time I finally got to meet someone I had added on Facebook because we

had something like 40 mutual friends and they were all from the DZ so I knew at some point I had met him. I had not yet. He was getting ready for his 70th

jump and he was going to be wearing his Captain America suit. It killed me that I wouldn’t be able to be on that load.  How cool would it have been to say I

flew with Captain America!?  I’ve missed much, like Reno’s 200th jump and at the rate she’s going it, I might make it on her 500th!  An inverted tandem with a

base exit off at 6k is what she wanted to do.  She has come so far since we first met at that BBQ a year ago!  To say she is my hero is an understatement.

We left the DZ and headed back home so we could spend the afternoon with my other friends and enjoy the waterslide, drinking, BBQ and music.  It was a

great ride out to where they live and we had a lot of laughs along the way.  My friend, Scott threw me down the inflated waterslide and today my whole body

aches.  Rule for next year, be more drunk before I allow him to do that again. I wasn’t ready for the shoulder plant I did at the end of the slide!

It was time to go and Lester could see my heart was still at the dropzone and I was going to miss the fireworks that Tommy was making earlier in the day. He

drove me back out there so I could hug my friends again and watch the show. The drive was long and if he was smart, he should have just punched me before

we got in the car to go because every time the sky lit up with a random firework I would squeal and point, which as we all know isn’t what any driver behind

the wheel wants to hear.  If he didn’t have anxiety before he met me, he does now.

Another long, longer, longest drive home.

Somewhere in the trip I realize how much he must love me.  No one in their right mind would drive through about 16 different counties just so I could have a

spectacular fourth of July with land friends and sky family.

I’ve been lucky to have spent many 4ths with people I love and care about with fond memories of many of them, but the last two go down in the top 10 in my

life! This exact time last year I was getting ready for a date that the only requirement was ‘wear comfortable clothes and pack a bunch of stuff, who knows

where we will end up’  We ended up at the dropzone where I started my first class in my AFF course and met Ed.
This year I was surrounded by people that I love with all my heart and soul.  It’s weird how one year can change your whole life…how one DAY can…how one

word can—my word was ‘door!’*. It seems almost fitting.

Hope everyone had an amazing day like I did!

door=what everyone yells at altitude as it is being opened.

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29
Jun
They Did it!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Kara’s boyfriend Patrick has been talking about wanting to go skydiving since he heard that Kara first went last year.  Ash has been telling me she wanted to

go since she heard that I started last year.  Lester has been saying “FUCK NO.” about going since he first watched my video, saw me covered in bruises and

had to pat my head when I broke down in tears after a strenuous day of jumping.

After several months of, “Hey, watch this!” and showing Lester videos of jumping…I think he finally built up at tolerance to be able to watch the videos and

seeing that they all managed to land on the ground without so much as a skinned knee.

Ash went out of first, then Patrick, then Kara…and last out the door was Lester.

I watched from the ground as the plane went up, sitting with Ashley’s girlfriend.  “I hope he jumps.”  I waiting for the sound of the plane at 13,000 feet to level

off. The sun was too bright to see them in free fall but all the parachutes opened and I watched my loves one come down.  Ashley was the first to come down

and the smile on her face was contagious! Patrick was the next and he had that same smile and look of awe.  Kara, this being her third time was looking like

she was ready to tell Ed it was time to go solo!   I looked up at the sky for Lester’s parachute and when I saw him I was a bit scared. What if he hated it!?
He came in and spotted me. He pulled me into a big hug and kissed my forehead.  “Well?” I asked.  “It was great!”

The hug he gave his daughter was one I had never seen before. The smile on their faces should have been something I captured, but I was just so caught up

in the moment, I didn’t even think to snap that shot.

To see Patrick’s Video: Click Here

:)

Kara’s video is up there too, but I haven’t convinced the other two to put their video up yet!! :)

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21
Jun
Cream Cheeeez.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I figured out something REALLY important tonight.  True love is like finding the setting on the toaster that makes the perfect bagel.
Much like that toaster and bagel, my latest relationship has been playing out.  At first we just left the bagel in to burn. After we realized that we can’t keep

eating burnt bagel and smiling at each other like it was still good, we decided to dial it way down.  That made for bagel flavored bread. Knowing that we didn’t

want to give up on that bagel and there was no way either one of us could have toast or an english muffin, we kept fiddling until we found the perfect setting.

Trusting again, for both of us, has been rough. It’s not that we don’t trust each other, because we do. We don’t trust ourselves. That was one of the things, the

biggest thing, that we were robbed of.  We keep questioning every single thing we say or do.  When we finally just said, ‘fuck it.’ and were honest then we had

to figure out how to talk to each other without offending each other.  Talk about a comedy of errors that turned out to be.
It took me just shutting up and listening to what he was saying. Stepping away and then going to talk to a panel of judges to see what he REALLY meant.
Women are fantastic to talk to if you want to analyze every detail of the conversation not excluding the fluctuation in the tone to which he said it.   I found out

quickly that If I need to get to the root then I need to talk to a man that has been single, has been married and loves his wife very much.   At the end of the line

of questioning he was asking me I figured out where he was walking me to…the fact that I don’t have a set of balls and will never understand how a man

thinks.  As smart as I think I am about the man I am madly in love with, he has penis and that means that 80% of the time I will be wrong about what he was

thinking.  If I guess ‘boobies’ 9 out of 10 times I’m usually right, but not when it comes to the serious stuff.
I realize that his best friend is a woman and is pretty fantastic, but since it’s me, he can’t go to me and bitch about how I freaked out about something that

meant nothing. He has to keep it bottled in and wait for me to come after him with a broken bottle before he can say anything.

The last issue we had prompted a new way of communication.  When he says something, I just hear myself telling the story to my friend and predicting the

line of questions he’s going to ask me.  Usually it leads to, ‘well, what did he say when you asked him about it?’  and I stubbornly will say, ‘i didn’t.’ and then

he looks at me and I say, “I know!”.
We worked through more things in a couple hours the other night than I did in the last two marriages and that includes all the useless counseling sessions we

were in!
It’s been said a billion times, but communication is the key to any successful relationship.  Sometimes communicating with someone that wants to turn

things around is a bit rough…but we figured out how to get past that and we have been tested a few times and each time it has turned out better.  He didn’t get

offended and I didn’t say, ‘fuck you asshole’ one time! Baby steps!

I never thought I would get to this place. I never thought I would allow someone to love me again. This is going to sound crazy (and maybe it’s just rubbing

off on me) but I learned by example from someone I thought was just a loon for falling in love again after getting hurt.  I learned to let myself love again with

my whole heart because I learned it from Tabitha.  She loves with every single bit of herself and to me that is just nuts. That’s setting yourself up to get

burned big time. For her, there is no other way to love someone.
When I was pretty low and not certain I could trust again is about the time she walked back into my life. She was bruised and broken, but willing to keep

trying.  My attitude was much different. NEVER AGAIN would allow that to happen to me. The hardening of my heart had already began and she explained to

me how she would someday say the words, ‘i do’ again.  NO WAY. NEVER. NEVER.  The certainty she had for love was powerful.  You could see she meant it

too. Not because she couldn’t survive without a man in her life, because she has proven she can..but because she LOVED.

I don’t think I ever gave my whole heart away before. I have loved deeply and passionately, but I never handed someone all my heart with no expectation of

return and with complete trust.  There are times when I think, “GOD THIS IS STUPID!” and think I am loving someone too much and the risk I am taking is

getting hurt worse than I have ever been hurt before with zero chance of recovery if it ends.  Then I realize that I would rather walk away knowing I gave it my

all and there is no way he could say, ‘she held back.’    The risk I am taking by allowing someone to see me for who I am and sticking with him even though I

know the person he sees isn’t really worth sticking around for is scary as fuck. Give me an airplane ANY DAY and it’s 99% less scary than loving someone like

this.
He saw it though. He knows the fear I have and he saw the love that I have for him and I can, for the first time in more years than I can think, can finally let out

the breath I have been holding in and just let myself be truly loved because I am finally learning how to love again…and fight again…and make up again…and

work through it so the fight next time is less bloody.  ( I still throw in a couple sucker punches though)

I’m finally setting down the butter knife and allowing the toaster to go the whole cycle instead of popping it up in the middle to make sure it’s still toasting.

By the way, the answer is 3. The perfect setting for a bagel is 3.

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17
Aug
Senior, Eighth Seventh
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Senior, Eighth Seventh, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
It just blows my mind that my baby girl is going into her senior year in high school.
She got up and drove to school today. She started driving last year, but this year it just seemed so surreal.

This was the first year that all of them were wearing makeup when they left the house.

*sigh* I hate this day more than any other day.

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15
Aug
Had to…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

Driving home Friday I had to do something I hate doing…I had to break check some bitch.

When driving my sweet ride, Penny, I have two options…Go up the hill or have air conditioning on. Both at the same time is not an option. Also, taking off

from a dead stop takes a little time to get to a comfortable speed that all the drivers on the road can live with. Give me a minute, I’ll get there.

Here is my advice for those of you driving a car made in the last ten years; If you see a car that looks like it has a better chance if the driver should stick her

foot at the door and try to push it to go faster, the paint color was only popular in the early 90′s and has a skydiving bumper sticker…your best bet is to not

tailgate this person.  The rationing that is going on through through the driver of the car goes something like this, “Bitch, this car is disposable, I have

enough insurance to cover nothing more than if I ding your car door opening mine, you’re in a Lexus SUV and if you slam in the back of me, YOU are the one

that is going to be waiting for weeks for your car to get repaired at your own cost because you rear ended me and I am going to be driving a rental until I get a

check from your insurance company. If you think I am afraid of the impact of my face to an airbag, you have never seen me land a parachute so BACK THE

FUCK OFF!”

Just sayin’.

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12
Aug
Facebook Friday…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Taken By Kara, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
I decided to put up a few of my favorite posts from Facebook.

“The reflection of my car in a new Dodge Charger is depressing.”

” likes U. S. District Court Judge Vaughn Walker.”

“Which child of mine did their nails in the bathroom and left all the crap in there…with the nail polish remover lid off?!”

” It’s time to reconsider my friendships when I get IM’s that include restaurants with mechanical bulls and hay on the floor.”

” Fighting for space on the couch with a wiener…..dog.”

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10
Aug
Mommy,
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I’m not going to give up on you jumping out of a plane.  In order to get you to do this, I am going to get you to watch more and more videos.   This one, well,

might not be for you…but I am going to do to you like I did to Lester and desensitize you to seeing people jump from planes.

Reasons WHY you’ll jump someday.

1. I promise that Ed will be strapped to your back.  Nuff said.

So now when you watch this video…don’t mind the cutaway of the main canopy at 1:49 into the video…that was a line twist gone bad and he did the right

thing, no big thing…that is why we have reserves.
Second..don’t worry about having to jump off a the wing of the plane. I won’t make you do that. Only the best for my mommy…and to be honest, the thought

of having to do that kinda makes me a wee bit shakey too!  You will go out the side of a twin engine otter.
Also, no worries, I won’t make you jump off a cliff.  Unless of course I take up BASE jumping and think you’ll like it.

So with that said, Watch this Video  (No, Ed isn’t in it, but still watch it!)

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10
Aug
Homework…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Going through some stuff on my computer and deleting, I found this. Alyx wrote it last year. I didn’t want to lose it, but can’t keep it on my computer anymore.


A Family of Love



                (HOOK) “Families are like fudge – mostly sweet with a few nuts.” (G.D.T) My family may be a bit crazy, but they care for me more than anyone can.

They care for me and are on my side even if I am wrong. (Thesis) My family is important to me because they are always there for me, they show me what really

matters, and we forever bond.

            (TS) To begin with, my family is important to me because they are always there for me. (1st PT) First, when I am sick, my family always takes care of

me. For example, when I had the stomach flu, my mom took a while off work to make sure I was not too hot or cold, fed, and comfortable. She went to the

store multiple times to get soup and gadgets to entertain me. (2nd PT) Moreover, My family supports me in sports. (EX) My mom, dad, and sisters went to

every one of my soccer games to cheer me on, even after the many losses, they never gave up on me. Two days a week, for about four years, my dad has been

at all of my karate classes, bought me all my gear, and supplies I need, and taken me to all the tournaments. (CS) My family means a lot to me because they

stick by me.

            (TS) In addition, because my family shows me what really matters, they are very meaningful to me. (1st PT) To start with, laughter, honesty, hope, and

courage, are traits and ideals that really matter. ( EX) Through thick and thin, we have still had hope that we would get better. After a sad divorce, we still

laughed and had courage to accept the new adventures in life. (2nd PT) Similarly, they have shown me that sticking together is the most fundamental way of

life. (EX) Through the drama of our daily lives, we are happier when we are together and support one another. We are each other’s best friends and support

system.  (CS) In short, my family is important to me because they  show me the ideals that matter, and we stick together.

            (TS) Finally, family is the main idea because we have forever bonded. (1st PT) One, we share many common interests. (EX) For example, my sister and

I both do karate, and my family love music. Together we sing and dance. (2nd PT) Likewise, we cook, bake, and hang out. (EX) Whether it is playing a board

game or baking, we share laughs. For my sisters sixteenth birthday, we made a homemade cake and we messed up many times, but each time was a good

laugh and memory. (CS) Thus, sharing common interests and hanging out with eachother makes my family very important to me.

            (RT) All in all, family is the central force because they are on my side, show me the ideals that are needed, and we share good memories. (Summary)

Everyone needs someone to talk to, help them, love them, and always be on their side, and family has and does all of it. (Clincher) So why do family always

care for you?

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08
Aug
14 Years together
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


14 Years together, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
At Fort Fungston in San Francisco, I captured this picture. I was touched.

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07
Aug
Most Awesome Friday!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
My morning started with Wendi calling me and telling me that were going hang gliding in San Francisco.

All day I have been sending her texts, “I am SOOOO excited!”

I had looked up hang gliding after I started skydiving. It was something I wanted to try, but it was another extreme sport and I was already getting enough shit

for skydiving, mentioning wanting to try bungee jumping and my lifelong dream of scuba diving (in cage) with Great White sharks.

This morning, my best friend Wendi, Kara and I will head out for San Francisco to meet up with one of our skydiving friends as he pulls us into the world he

has been a part of for 13 years.

I was thrilled that Kara was invited.  She’s the little sister in our skyfamily.

He said to bundle up because it gets cold where we are launching from, but I left my favorite sweatshirt in Oregon and I can’t find my DZ sweatshirt (Kara stole

it!).

I sent Wendi a text last night, it would be the 5th text that she would get, “Have I mentioned that I am excited?”She sends me a text back, “No, this is breaking

news!”Eeeeee!!!

My life ROCKS!

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06
Aug
Moooommmmmmm….
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I promise my mother whenever I do anything dangerous that I will let her know.  I usually call her seconds before and minutes after I am done, but don’t

usually give her too much time to think about it.

Hey mom, i’m going hang-gliding this weekend in San Francisco!!

Don’t worry…I’m going to be fine. I’m going with Captain America.

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04
Aug
Mom, watch this!!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Well worth the minute to watch.  I love my life, I love my friends!

Watch Video

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03
Aug
What a weekend!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

Bear!, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.

I had an awesome weekend…minus the whole ending up in 3 different planes just to get home.

My niece, Cassie, got married this weekend.  She’s (take a breath) 19.   I wanted to slap her in the head when I first heard she was getting married.   I can’t

really say much because I was 20 when I married my first husband.

This post isn’t about her getting married, it’s about the plane ride there (and the most amazing welcome home.)

I meet the coolest people when I am in a plane.  Usually it’s a 15 minute flight to altitude before the door opens and we jump out, so the normal, ‘soooo,

where you going? where you from?’ isn’t really a good conversation starter.
On the way from Seattle to Redmond I met this amazing older lady.
She told me the story of how she ended up living on the big island and I was captivated by her being fearless as she boarded her plane when she was 19 years

old and only turned back to tell her family and the man that proposed that she wouldn’t be coming back.  She told me of her adventures in Italy and showed

me some of her artwork.
I told her of my daughters. She said I looked so proud when I spoke of them.

This woman was soft spoken and so I had to really pay attention to the story.  Falling deeper into her 3 months in Italy and hearing her voice almost change to

Italian, I realized I wanted to be this woman. I wanted her fearless nature to just board a plane and end up wherever.  She told of the years she was married and

was a step mother to five.  She talked of his affair and how she simply wanted her life back. I could relate and bobbed my head in agreement as she showed

me her hands and what the artwork and given back to her.  She didn’t care they were gnarled. I didn’t either.

She said to me, “it’s not what life gives you, it’s how you accept it.”  That works with the good and the bad. She had cancer, she fought it with an attitude of

happiness.
“Why would I want to bring other people down? If I am going to die, then so be it. If I am going to live, I am going to live. I’m going to make sure that I make

someone’s live better just by being here.”
I want to be this woman. I want to be on a plane someday and this woman sits down next to me and says, “You headed home?” and I say, “nope, I am going

somewhere new…” and tell about how I survived this life with grace.

Coming home was fantastic. 4 days with my family was amazing, but pulling onto my street and seeing my daughter’s Jeep and boyfriend’s truck in the

driveway made the stress of the previous 9 hours melt away.  I soaked in his smile and laughter when I finally got out of the car, wailing about how much I

hate planes and I never want to get into another one again.
“I HATE PLANES!” I couldn’t even find the energy to pull myself out.
“except for the next one you’re going to jump out of.” He laughed and helped me out, pulling me into a hug and telling me to shower.
“No, I hate that one too! I hate the sound of them! the smell of them! I hate propellers and jet fuel!” I whined in his shoulder.  He knew all that wasn’t true. I

just wanted to be home.

The girls were already on the couch relaxing after their drive home from the wedding.  They drove and I flew and they beat me home. So wrong.
“I SWEAR I didn’t ONCE say, ‘ha ha, i’m flying and you’rrrrrrreeee not!”
“It’s just the fact that you got to fly and your children had to go in a car…Karma.”   Kara pointed out.

It was wonderful being home. The woman’s story still creeps into my mind and I wonder if it was actually the woman from Eat, Pray, Love that was next to me

(I asked her if she read it, she did and loved it).  I’m reminded of the love on my nieces face when she was weeping through her vows. The way I felt so

welcomed when I got home.

Today is one of those days where I am aware of the blessings I have in my life.

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10
Sep
Life gives you lemons?
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Chicken Taragon with Lemon, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
I hate that saying, ‘when live gives you lemons, make lemonade’ I am not the type of person that can take shit and make it better.

UNTIL NOW.

My life is more awesome than it has EVER been, ever, ever EVER! The ‘at peace’ feeling I have, that I have been reaching for as long as I can remember is not

only within grasp, but right here with me.
I can take a deep breath and exhale and not feel any lurking fear.

Every night when I lay down at night, no anxiety.

Last night was my first night in the house by myself (for awhile). My girls went off to karate and Kara had her date with her boyfriend and I wandered around

the house, having those moments of, ‘this is MY life? really? this is MY life? WHAT DID I DO RIGHT?!”
I made an awesome dinner and then all mature like, I put the left overs in tupperware for lunch. I went upstairs and took a relaxing bath with a glass of wine

from a bottle that my boyfriend bought me a few days ago.

So today, after a rough night of sleep…I had a lemon chicken tarragon sandwich I made myself.
Tonight I will go get some popcorn, ice cream and pizza for my sleep over with Jeremiah where we will watch movies and stay up all night listening to him

sing to me and talk about 4 year old funny stuff that always makes me giggle!!

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08
Sep
Happy 21′st birthday!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Ashley’s 21′s birthday, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
Today was Ashley’s birthday.

At her age, I had a one day old daughter. *sigh*

Thanks for allowing me to be a part of it. we had a blast!

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08
Sep
Helppppp….
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
My Ipod has finally been located!

I charged it up last night and found pictures of my wedding in the photo album.  The pictures were uploaded using his computer and I can’t get them off there

now.

Can anyone point me in the direction I need to go to get his ugly face out of my beautiful Ipod?  I tried throwing it across the room, but that didn’t work.

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07
Sep
Happier than happy…is that possible?
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I am in my new place! It’s a beautiful two story home with no ghosts attached to it. No tears, all laughter!

Last week, Lester’s daughter Ashley helped move nearly ALL the big furniture in.  For a little thing, that girl can move some stuff and inspire others around

her to get shit done.
On the other days, I had Lester and Kara’s boyfriend, Patrick moving in the boxes.
This weekend a few skydiving friends came and moved the remaining stuff out.   The garage was packed full of stuff I didn’t need anymore and was having

hauled off.

This weekend we spent in the new house, slowly going through and unpacking the essentials.
At one point this weekend I had one of those awesome and amazing moments where I looked around and said, “this is where I live now…and I finally feel right

about it!”
I stood there looking over the landing from the second floor down at the living room where my kids were watching TV and laughing at each other. I turned

around and saw my daughter in her room unpacking and making her space her own.  In my room, my boyfriend napped sideways across the bed.  This is my

life now, and it is so beyond good that I wonder what I did right to deserve such happiness after letting go of something that I loved so much.
Makes me wonder if I loved it or I just wanted to hold on to it because I didn’t want to fail.    Probably a little of both.  Just another lesson that I will take with

me into the future.

For as much stuff that I had, most of it is already unpacked.   The silverware was FINALLY located last night!

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31
Aug
Can I just please move in…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
to Starbucks!
I have been leaving early for work because the coffee maker/burr grinder is packed up and I need my coffee in the morning.  This morning they started serving

Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
It’s been expressed every possible way, but the joy it brings me when they come out with Pumpkin Spice is beautiful. It’s like it doesn’t matter what life throws

at me for the next 20 minutes because I am caught in a whirlwind of memories and expectations of the coming months.

The first sip today brought the biggest smile and car dance.  It’s almost fall, the most awesome time of the year. Halloween and Thanksgiving is around the

corner. Browns and Reds will litter the ground and that cold wind will be swirling around.
I thought of decorating the house and making deep, rich stews for dinner.  My warm robe and his arms around me while we cuddle by the fire.
That was just the first sip.
The taste of the latte made me get excited for the first red cup of the year, which means Christmas is near and maybe if I wish hard enough it will snow. The

trips to the snow last year and the smile we all got watching each other fly down the hill on our sleds.
My Christmas tree will be huge this year. My dinner will be small but tasty. I want to cook with cranberries now that I have done it a few times.
I will make turkey tarragon sandwiches with the leftovers.

I love this time of year…and Starbucks has found a way that can bring up so many wonderful memories and give me hope for the coming season.

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30
Aug
My role as Alyx’s mom
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


My job as her mother:

1. Realize that even though she is so little, she is growing up into a little woman.
2. Remember that she only asks for help when she has reached her wits end.
3. Find and encourage the things she loves that brings her happiness and not push her into something she doesn’t want to do.
4. Always keep it in the back of my head that just because she has always been innocent, there will come a day when she rebels.

What I have done to fulfill my duties.:
1. I try to give her more freedom. It’s hard to grasp the fact that she is a responsible teenager and not 5 years old still. When she asks for more rope, I need to

give it to her.
2. Surround myself with the things that will help her get what she needs, if she can’t get it from me. Put people in her life that can help her with Math

homework (waving to Lester)
3. Skydiving is something that Kara and I love. Alyx and Shea love karate. Alyx loves rollercoasters, bumper cars, baby sitting, money, getting people to

laugh.  These are the things I want the most for her, because she is so amazing when she is happy.
4. She looks innocent…SOOOOO innocent.  She’s always been a good girl, but SOMETIMES she will push it and I walk the fine line of calling her on it and

letting it go.

She’s such a sweet girl. I am blessed.

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26
Aug
My role as Kara’s Mom.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


My job as her mother:

1. Make sure she’s happy all the while making sure she doesn’t take advantage of that first rule.
2. She has one request right now and I respect that and will do whatever it takes to make sure she gets what she wants.
3. Make sure I can curb her skydiving addiction while at the same time feeding it too.
4. Remind her that driving is a privilege and not a right.

What I have done to fulfill my duties.:

1. I listen to her. I support her. I give her space. I smother her. I ground her. I make sure she knows the rules and follows them.
2. I will bend over and snap if it makes her one wish come true.  If that means I ruin my credit beyond all measure, then so be it.
3. She begs to go skydiving. I remind her how many times she has been, how much it costs and promise ‘later’.  I know the addiction of stepping out of that

plane, the rush of the canopy opening and the ache for the feel of the ground under my feet and I let her go every few months to remind her that there is

nothing that she can’t do in this life. She is stronger than any 17 year I have ever known in my life.
4. I swore if she decided to skip class or even be late I take the keys away.

Next up…Alyx.

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25
Aug
I likey!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I love it when I take something complicated and make it simple.
Today I took down the sidebars on the right of the page and expanded the area to which I can upload pictures and write.
I like that the picture is bigger than the ones below so you can see more detail.
I also like the bird.  It reminds me of a pair of Lucky earrings I found in Macy’s one day.  There are a few pieces of jewelery that I go visit there from time to

time.
My friend John bought me the earrings for my birthday last year and they are my favorite earrings I own.
This layout is perfect for me right now.  Someone posted a quote the other day on Facebook and it got me to thinking about how we see the world and this

one life we have.
I keep saying, “I can’t wait until…”
Waiting sucks. I’m thee worst waiter of all time.  When I want something, I want it yesterday…and hand delivered…with a smile.
In order to change that horrible trait about myself I have found there have been a few things I have been waiting for and I’m actually okay with it.
I want a pub table with 4 chairs.  I have visited this table and 4 chairs at the furniture store for nearly 3 years now.  I’m pretty sure my mind isn’t going to

change about them so it’s time to get rid of my backassward country looking kitchen table and buy the pub set.
I want new dishes. I haven’t decided if I want red or this funky blue color.   This will happen soon as I am going to use the plates I have right now for target

practice as soon as I go visit my dad.
I want a BBQ and fire pit.
These are the things I have been looking at for a year, but I have been saving my money for something else and thank God I did.
Things I will buy within the next 3 years: a rig with a 190, aad and reserve. (i want yellow, but not picky), a car that I can run the air conditioner in and still

manage to go uphill at the same time,  stuff to start rock climbing (end of the 3 years).
Things I will buy others: The girls their her scuba lessons and a trip to Maui.

Not looking for too much in this life…just want to spend time with the girls before they leave me and start their own adventures.

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24
Aug
8 days.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


TAKEN BY DAD, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
God will not give us more than we can handle.
What doesn’t kill us, will make us stronger.

I’m tired of God proving how freaking strong I am! I cried on the way home last night, “NO MORE! I can’t take anymore!”
For the love, I hope he was listening to me. It was to the point that if there had been an open church I would have hit my knees in the parking lot and slid into

the church, hands in prayer.

The blessings in my life are my girls. That is really all I have left anymore is my girls.

We have gotten past the whole loss of the house and we are ready to be moving on. That house has way too many ghosts from our past.
Everything from that house, every person that was a part of our lives when we lived in that house is gone. Good Riddance to the drama, heartache and all the

shit we put up with.

No looking back, little ones.

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20
Aug
New Beginnings
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


What I get when I pick up Jeremiah from Daycare!! SO WORTH IT!, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
“Home is where you can say anything you please, because nobody pays any attention to you anyway”

The ongoing battle to save my home from foreclosure is finally over. I would love to say that I won and the home I have lived in for 14 years and brought my

children home from the hospital in is still ours, but I can’t.
For some people this is exactly what they wanted. For me, it isn’t.

The act of finding a new home to rent has been an interesting one. I have only a few requirements; must be in the kids school district. Must not have crazy

rose patterned wallpaper from floor to ceiling in a room I would have to sleep in every night.
I found that house and after spending countless conversations with the landlord we were all excited. We signed papers and all that was needed was one more

call in the morning to make sure everything was ok.
When I called the next morning, the landlord who had all but handed me the keys the last time I was there, said, “We are going to rent it to the other couple

with the father in the military.”
I was heartbroken. This house was perfect for us.
This spurred me to fight my battle with the bank even harder and save every single penny I had to make sure that if it didn’t work out that I could afford to put

a big ass deposit down on a apartment.

On Wednesday the bank and the haters finally won. I began calling that day. I found two houses, but the odds of getting them were stacked against me.
I filled out the applications and went to see them. The first one was pretty old. Since beggars can’t be choosers, I tried to see the bright side of the house.
The second house was perfect. Too perfect. I didn’t want to get my hopes up because if I did get this house, how would I not walk around it and not feel like a

princess?

I got the second house!

Yes, I am bummed that I won’t be a homeowner anymore, but the truth of the matter is, it’s REALLY hard to be a homeowner when you don’t have someone

there to help you with things. The last 9 years have been a joke with repair . Most of the time I would have to call my ex to come over and fix things. The

sprinkler system was a comedy of errors and thankfully he got it figured out.
The air conditioner has a mind of its own. It is 17 years old and never been replaced. In it’s old age, it picks when it wants to work. Most of the time at 2am it

will turn on, yet at the hottest part of the day it turns off and won’t come back on.
The dishwasher went on strike months ago. The door handle to the microwave fell off. I can’t read any of the dials on my oven. The hot water heater exploded

last year.
I don’t even want to talk about the backyard.

For all this and so much more, I am happy to hand over the keys to the bank and say, “good luck. good luck to the new couple moving into

heartbreak/divorce court, enjoy all this place has to offer…not just the things inside the house, but outside as well.”

I will have fond memories of the good times in the house. I don’t believe there will come a time when I miss it though.

Will I be able to forgive and forget the reasoning behind the loss of it? Probably never. There is a special place in Karma Hell and as it seems right now…

Karma and I co-kickin’ it and it’s all good between us.
Karma decided to show me how she works the other day when the girls decided they wanted to see the first house we didn’t get, the house the landlord

decided to go with other renters. It was vacant and up for sale.
“See, the renters they picked must have sucked or they were great renters, but the skeezy landlord decided to let them move in a few months later decided to

sell the house.” Karma laughed.

I am going into this new beginning with open arms and a huge smile. I’m pretty sure I haven’t been this okay with how my life is turning out in a very long

time.

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10
Oct
Watching….
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Watching…., originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
Friday night is date night.
We spent the night making Halloween decorations and then in the morning we went to IHOP for breakfast.
Little man had never been to the dropzone, so we packed up and headed out. When the first skydiver landed he was excited and said, “Just like SUPERMAN!”
The excitement after 20 landings had worn off so he went to the playground out there and played with the girls.

Somewhere out there my phone decided to not work anymore. I’ve only had this phone for less than a year and I am beginning to believe I am cursed.
The girls have had phones and they have never broke. That says a lot…that three girls who have each been upgraded to a new phone when their other phone,

that they have shoved in backpacks and back pockets, still WORKS.
Me on the other hand have washed 2, had one text-vibrate into the sink, stolen and now this one just decided to lock up and not work anymore.

Technology is pissing me off. I think back to my first phone that I loved. It had no texting, internet and apps…but I could change the faceplate and not be to

burned by the battery after it got hot.
When I went in tonight to figure out what step I needed to do to be reconnected with the real world, the replacement phone was worse than that phone. No

thanks.
I ended up getting rid of my old account and moving to another carrier. With this, a new phone. This thing has everything except a heart rate monitor.
So why is technology pissing me off? what happens if this phone dies? It’s going to nearly impossible to go back to anything less than this new phone.
I’m vowing to not get too attached to it.

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29
Sep
Waking up
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
That moment where you wake up from a really fucked up dream and realize that fucked up dream is better than your reality…. I hate that moment.

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27
Sep
Till death do us part…and then some.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
This weekend I went home to help my sister and sister in law in some cleaning of my aunt’s house.

Her home is a shrine of 50 plus years of love.  She has pictures on her walls of her grandkids who have since given her great grandkids. Her children as

children. Her husband who left us many years ago.

In a box falling apart I found letters she wrote to her husband while he was in the air force.  His letters in return. I didn’t open them and peak inside, there was

too much to do and nearly a hundred letters back and forth.  The front of one said, “to the love of my life forever and always.” and if that didn’t choke me up, I

didn’t have a heart.  At the end of the second day of cleaning I found a piece of paper with a reminder to pick something up at the store for husband.  My heart

broke and cried.
I wanted to wrap my arms around her home and absorb some of the love she has for everyone that has been a part of her life.  I wanted some of the love that

she shared with her husband and best friend for so many years.
My sister saw the tears well up.
“I want someone to let me love them this much. I want someone to love me like this.” As I held up the scrap of paper and wiped away the tears that wouldn’t

stop.
“What they had was something special, Kris.”

What happened with Shaun and I was heartbreaking because I lost my best friend.  My sister and I remembered some stories that didn’t involve some of the

raunchy things he did, but how he could always make us laugh.  We laughed, A LOT.  It’s easy to forget all the times when all I can remember is what he did

to the girls when he left.  Even though I have let go of that part of my life, it will be something I always carry with me and for that, someone else will have to

pay the price.
Kathy and I sat and talked about what Auntie Shirley and Uncle Jim had and it was special because they didn’t have that baggage. They had a life time of

being each others love, best friend, worst enemy, and person that no matter what would be there for the other.  They were lovers, they were husband and wife,

they were parents and then they they spent the last years of his life dancing around each other with a lifetime of memories.
My aunt held on to all those memories and all that love and she never let go, even when things sucked ass. She was with him wherever they landed.

In the last year I have given 110% of my love, trust and friendship to someone, but a scrap of paper brought me to tears because I am so afraid of never being

able to receive that level of love in my life, or ever believe that it is possible to give as much as my aunt STILL does.  My heart aches for that.
Through her, I have learned a lot about the mother I want to be.  The wife,( I never thought I would say that), I wish I could be.  If I could be half the woman she

is, I will blessed beyond words…my children will know they are always loved and the man that is lucky enough to be the center of my love with always know

he is the one and only person I want to spend time with…and even after he is gone, I will hold on to memo reminding me to pick up his prescription and stare

longingly at a picture of him on my kitchen table that reads, “all my love forever.”

I love you aggie-naggie-poo-poo…thank you for reminding me what I should give in this life and what I deserve right back.

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22
Sep
Fix it.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: ex, Random
Once upon a time there was this guy who came into my crazy world and he calmed my soul.
He was beautiful, spiritual, loving and he taught me how to trust again.
He taught me how to see the bad in people and to still love.
He taught me that you get hurt and you dust yourself off.

The other night, I found a letter he wrote me.  To say I cried was understatement.  The love he had for everyone around him was amazing. The forgiveness he

had was endless.  His love for me was special and there was never a time I ever felt alone, even when the miles kept us apart.

Now…where is he? Not for me…we parted ways years ago.  Where is he for his children?

If he stumbles across this, let it be known that you have turned out to be less of a man than DA.  Your son and daughter need you and you checked out.
Remember that prayer outside of that cabin where you asked for answers on how to coparent in the worst time of your life and you got the answer? God said,

‘be there, be there together for your children’.   Glad to see you listened then, but where are you now?

What we shared was amazing and I took all that I learned from our time together and took it with me into my second marriage and I struggled like fuck to get

along with his first ex-wife and dear God in heaven I wanted to run her over in the car and stab her with dull knives, but I did it…I figured out a way not to kill

her.
I did it because there were SIX kids that needed 4 parents.   And now, even though that marriage is over, I still have his ex-wife over for dinner and take a child

that wasn’t my step-child and treat him with all the love that I have in me.   There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t talk to her and check in on my step

kids…STEP KIDS…kids from a marriage that failed…but that doesn’t make me any less a parent to them.
You have two kids and you checked the fuck out.

I’m done.

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21
Sep
Flickr Warnings…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Me: Delete.
Flickr: “Are you sure want to delete 1,902 pictures from your Flickr account?
Me: Yes.
Flickr: “Are you REALLY sure?”
Me: Yes.
Flickr: “Are you REALLY REALLY SURE? they will be deleted forever and you can’t get them back!”
Me: OH HELL YES!
Flickr: “You’ll regret it and wish you hadn’t.”
Me: They are of the douchebag, some with my kids, some of our failed wedding/marriage, his family, Christmas and Thanksgivings, US. Lots and lots of us.
Flickr: “Oh well, why the fuck didn’t you say so in the beginning!? DELETE! Move on and take more pictures and forget about the douche.”
Me: Thanks Flickr! you’re awesome!

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21
Sep
The Dirt…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
While going through every book, paper and photo album I have, I stumbled on a book I can’t remember even buying. It’s the story of Motley Crue, written by

the band.
Thing is, I wasn’t a big Motley Crue fan. My best friend in 8th grade, Melony…now she was a fan.  Her walls were covered in every Tiger Beat picture she could

find of them. Posters filled every inch of space.  Personally, they just looked a little scary to me and the reaction the boys had in 8th grade when they came

out didn’t help.  When other bands started pushing their way in, Melony stayed true to her band and she didn’t part with any of them to make room for “Guns

and Roses” like all the other girls did.
In 8th grade there was no other band but Beastie Boys for me.  I actually take pride in the fact that my kids love “License to Ill”.  During high school when

everyone else was into the new wave stuff, I was finally realizing that classic rock was my true love.
I wish I could say I was a pioneer in music listening, but even working at a radio station didn’t really help much.

On Friday I found the book in a box of books I was planning to read at some point. I started reading the first chapter and was hooked.  Dear God, how did

those fuckers not die in the first year of being a band?  And really, if they could survive their time touring with Ozzie, they must be cockroaches that will be

here long after we all have died.   During the whole book I wished I knew which one was which.  Yes, I knew Tommy.  The other ones, no clue. I tried to

remember all the conversations that I had with Melony in the years she would spout information off about them.  There was one guy in the band that wore

really tight pants and she would go to her grave defending the fact that his dick was bigger than all the other guys, because she had studied every single

picture and was nearly certain of it.  Maybe that was Bon Jovi, now that I think of it.  Melony knew all the rock stars and would quiz me at random points of any

conversation.  I remember she nearly kissed me out of excitement when she pop quizzed the question, “Who is the lead singer of Whitesnake?!” and I knew

the answer.   Do I remember it now? Not unless I google it.

Once I started with the book, I knew I was doomed. I finished it tonight and I have to say, it’s one hell of a fucking good read.  I will be cussing for about a

week, because during the whole book, I can’t imagine they censored a damn thing, but they cussed the whole time.  It was a step back into the 80′s when it

was okay to have big hair and wear horrible make up.  It was okay to be totally politically incorrect and say ‘fuck’ all the time….as long as my mom wasn’t in

the room.

This book made me wish I was a Motley Crue fan.  It also made me SO happy that my 17 year old daughter was a Jonas Brother’s concert and not tearing off

her clothes backstage at a Motley Crue concert.
How in the hell did some father not kill those guys?

Anyway, GREAT book.  Go fucking read it.

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20
Sep
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Playing with his wood., originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
Three weeks in the new house and I finally decided it was time to venture out and go hang out with Lester. He has been fantastic about understanding my need

to get everything settled in. It wasn’t that long ago that he was moving back into his place and I had to spend countless hours helping him paint, so it was fair

he spend my first couple of weeks here.

The house is mostly put together and I can make a full meal without asking where a pan is or where the bottle of cut chives are at. Because I am so settled in,

it’s hard to want to ever leave. The fact that I have had this retched cough for two weeks, doesn’t make it any better.

My friend and I have been talking about relationships. The topic of moving in together had come up and I said that there is a good chance that we will be one

of those couples that never live together. Maybe that is why I still love him so much, I don’t live with him.
We are fine together when we spend the weekend together. He bitches about how I do something and I tell him to shut the fuck up. He laughs at me and keeps

bitching and I keep telling him to shut the fuck up and if he doesn’t stop I am not going to do that thing he likes. If he continues to pick at the subject, I

punch him in the throat to watch him cry and then I post the pictures on facebook.

It was nice to hang out with him on his turf though. He had spent some time cleaning out his shop and I enjoyed sitting there watching my man play with his

wood. :)

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14
Sep
Home sick with Alyx
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
“Did you know that Sheen isn’t Charlie’s last name?” Alyx asks.
“Yep.”
“It’s…it’s…Estivez or something.”
“His brother is Emilio.” I tell her.
“The Mighty Duck.”

****

“I hated her stew. I think it was because she was crazy.”

****

“I hate watching people dance nowdays. It’s just gross.” I say after watching people grinding on a dance floor on TV.
“Their parents must be SOOO proud.”

****

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13
Sep
Hop and Pop Johnny!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkjzMl-qP54&feature=youtu.be

Johnny B does a jump with Team Dock-a-Ho!

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12
Sep
What a weekend!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Hey! that’s MY camera!, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
I got Jeremiah TWO nights! It’s like finding out you got the free car on Oprah!
He had me giggling the whole weekend.
Alyx has been reading him a book my friend Sheryl got me called, “Don’t let the Pigeon drive the Bus!” and he memorized the whole thing!!
There is something so freaking adorable about a 4 year old saying, “True Story.”

On Saturday night Lester put together my brand new, very own, all mine gas grill in the back yard. I have learned when he is putting something together or

repairing something that I don’t make loud noises and sudden movement or there is a chance I will get a wrench to the head. It’s BEAUTIFUL. He talked me

down from the behemoth sized one that was on sale and I talked him into gas. He’s a charchol guy. Till the end of time there will be the battle of ‘gas vs

charchol’ and I stand on the side that gets their food quicker. I am a gas girl. Wait, that didn’t sound right.

I got up early this morning with high hopes of finding a mattress for Kara’s room. I found a $3.00 bed skirt for my bed and a truly gaudy flower arrangement

for the living room. As it sits there I feel like I am channeling one of the Golden Girls.
OH MY GOD, I found two pans by Cuisinart for 6 bucks each!
When I brought home the Kool-aid pitcher and cups, Kara said, “ooooh yeahhhh.” I have mentioned a few times that I love my daughter right?

It was a crazy weekend…but it turned out absolutely beautiful!

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22
Nov
The consequences that I’ve rendered…I’ve stretched myself beyond my means
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I decided to bring back Random and Odd because tomorrow marks my divorce finalization date.  In the last 19 months I have learned so much about myself.

Some good, some great, some…not so good or great.

I decided to keep thing events of what happened in our marriage and divorce somewhat private, outside of some snarky comments, no one except the people

close to me know the details of why our marriage ended.
In the beginning I was hurt by the end of my marriage. I think mostly because It was another failed relationship and I felt that I had given so many “chances”

to right the wrongs and even sought marriage counseling.  It was difficult to take the counseling serious when I knew that his problem wasn’t with our

marriage, but with an addictive behavior he admitted to having and without getting that under control,  it didn’t matter how much talking we did and promises

that were made, we weren’t going to survive.

It didn’t take long before those feelings subsided and were replaced with new friends and a new kind of laughter.    Where I am today and the woman I was

then, I realized that I didn’t love him the way that a woman should love a man. I loved him like the best friend he was to me.  When he left, he took that

friendship that I thought I would never be able to replace.   Let it be said, I was wrong.  There were things that I did miss that I may have twisted in my head

and it took truly falling in love to see the difference of the two.

After my husband left, my room felt so empty and the side of the bed was this haunting reminder of his absence.  The side of his bed became where I placed

books, plates, remotes.   After awhile I realized it wasn’t  HIM that I missed, it was that safe feeling I had knowing that I wasn’t alone in the room.  When I

moved into the new house and that side of bed belonged to someone else, when he left too, I didn’t put stuff over there.  I recognized what I had done before

and decided this time around is to make myself feel safe.


Another thing I had twisted was that I was afraid I was going to miss intimacy.  Looking back, there was no intimacy in our marriage.  Because of the issues

we had it never felt like my husband ever really opened up to me. I see that now…there was something he was holding back.  It took many, many, many

conversations with his ex-wife (who now is counted as one of the two people I TRUST in this world, and you all know our past!) to fully understand the depth of

the ‘holding back’ issue.  I can say, I didn’t see it then, but it’s so obvious now that I actually feel retarded for not seeing it before.  Oh, the arrogance of

thinking that I knew everything about him and that he shared such intimate secrets with me that no one ever knew. Yes, I was a retard.

It wasn’t until I finally did have intimacy in my life that I realized how truly special that is.  It wasn’t through secrets we told each other or the secrets we

shared, it was through touch and unconditional trust we had for each other.  There was one incident I will never forget, and in that moment I made a promise

to someone that I would love and care for this person for the rest of my life and never hurt him. Sadly I had to ask to be released from that promise in order to

move forward.  The next relationship I am in, that person will be truly blessed because I do understand the difference between friendship and intimacy.

Sometimes we get lucky and we get both.  Sometimes it doesn’t last and it’s okay to move forward…and you don’t have to be graceful like I thought I had to

be.

In the beginning I chose to do some things that would mask that feeling of hurt and betrayal.  The most obvious thing was taking up skydiving.   I love

skydiving more than anything I have ever done in my life. I am start enough to see now that I threw myself into it because I was running from something.  

When everything began to fall apart I had to make some choices that I kind of regret.  I say ‘kind of’ because the choices I made were smart ones, but I had to

give up some things to achieve them.

Last month I was faced with what it felt like to give up something I loved and my first reaction was to head out to the dropzone and hurl myself from the next

plane going up.  I quickly saw the flaw in that way of thinking and decided to deal with that hurt in a healthy way so when I do get back on that plane I can leap

out with a clear mind.   When my marriage ended, I didn’t care about ending anything ‘healthy’, I just wanted the pain to stop and I pushed it far away.

Because of that action, I became somewhat jaded.   The fact that I actually recovered from him leaving so quickly was kind of shocking.  I have asked myself

since the day he left, ‘Do you miss him?’  and I realize that it wasn’t him I missed, but I missed feeling safe.   The other night, it was blinding clear to me that

when you truly love someone you remember how they feel and smell when they aren’t there.  I never had those thoughts in my head after my husband left.  I

can’t remember what he felt or smelled like…I never cared to.

I do not regret anything that has happened in the last 19 months.  My kids got to see that sometimes things don’t work out and as hard as I tried to not fall in

love again, I did.  They saw what Mom was like when she felt truly loved.  They also got to see that even after you get knocked down, you get back up again…

and then you get knocked down again.  It is just like that song.   They got to see me finally snap and they saw that true friends rally around you and they let

you say, “I’m done.” But they take the keys from you and they sit with you and build you back up.  My kids will see that you can hate someone with every

bone in your body and that person turns out to be the person that picks you up and dusts you off and jokes, ‘There was a time I would have used the

opportunity to run you over and back my car up and do it again. ‘.
They have the joy of watching Mom start another journey in her life, even though I keep looking over my shoulder at the past to make sure that I don’t make

any of those same mistakes again.
I think the biggest mistake I made was going against something I promised myself.   I said I would never get married again and because I began to feel safe

again, I went back on that promise.  This time around I will take the advice of someone I loved with my whole heart…I will never say something to someone

that I don’t mean to make them feel better.
I will NEVER get married again.

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07
Nov
I got this…as always.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I’ve been on this strange roller coaster of emotions lately.
This month is turning out to be worse than the whole year of 2009.

Tabitha has this saying, “Fake it till you make it.” and dear Lord, the amount of energy it requires to smile through any type of situation is exhausting.  I will

admit, at first it was pretty easy…but about 3 weeks in I feel like taking a baseball bat to anyone that has the audacity to ask, “you okay?”.  No, i’m not okay.

I’ve been going to the gym, and I hate to admit it, but it has helped my sleeping habits.  By ten o’ clock I am exhausted and fall asleep wherever I am sitting.

It could be that or the lack of food I am eating.  Either way, I am so grateful to finally being able to get sleep.
In the last month I have been corresponding with someone at some point in my life meant a lot to me.  I’m hesitant to let this person too close and for good

reason.  I recently stopped that correspondence because he has  more drama than a Jersey Shore cast member.
Then last week, out of the blue another person that meant absolutely nothing to me growing up came back into my life.   My sleep patterns changed

dramatically because of the hours we were spending on the phone catching up.
Now, hopefully…after yesterday’s all sleep marathon…I hope to be back to normal.

Things are shitty. For some of you…that will bring you great happiness. For others you know that this doesn’t usually last that long for me and I tend to

bounce back faster than most.
Yesterday I had a range of emotions going through me. “Damn, I wish I could just drink a pint of something, laugh, do crazy shit and not remember it in the

morning!”
My brain then kicks in and says, “You would remember and you would feel like shit because you let someone do Jager shots off your tits.  You’re not in

college anymore, grow up.”
Then the other options. “I wish I could do bong hits all night long and just laugh until my face hurt.”
Then brain then tells me, “You’re not in high school anymore, you would just get the munchies and the diet that you’ve been on for the last month would go

to shit.  You don’t want to sit around and watch Spongebob for 5 straight hours. Besides it would be your luck something bad would happen and you wouldn’t

be in control enough to drive…and really…where in the hell would you find anyone that even has a bong or pot? you’re a dumbass.”
Next option…I wish I could just move far, far away.
Brain starts talking, “Your kids are in the best schools you’ll ever have them in. You have sacrificed so much to keep them in for years. You have 5 more

years and then you can go wherever you want….so suck it up and just deal with this shit you’re going through!”

I hate the fact that I am my own cheerleader.  My cheerleader is more like a mean PE teacher.
That responsible part of me is usually right though. So I get up every morning, take a shower, go to work, smile and pretend that everything is fantastic. Come

home, put on my gym clothes and use that hour to run, walk, jog, bike or lift that angry aggression I have.  When I get home I pass out.  There really is no

time for anything else outside of my kids and making sure I have clean clothes for the morning.
This is just how it has to be for me for the next five years and when I get it through my head that nothing else but getting healthy, looking decent, putting

money in my savings account matters I will be able to get through this part.

A bunch of girls and I were talking one day and the subject of bitches came up.  I’ve been lucky enough to surround myself with non-bitches.  One asked,

“Ever realize how the longest relationships we know usually involve a nice guy and a horrible, cold, mean bitch?”  We pondered why that happens.  Why do

guys stay with total bitches? I still haven’t figured it out.

Anyway…I need to go gather my clothes for work tomorrow and start all over again.  Thank you xanax for all that sleep yesterday. I needed it.

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02
Nov
What you’re not saying is coming in loud and clear…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Thanks Kackles…a year ago!, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
For the last few days I have been watching the two shows I have Tivo’ed for the day and then I turn off the tv around 10pm and talk myself to sleep.
To be able to do this is SHOCKING. I have fought with insomnia for so many years it’s not funny. To be able to shut off the tv and to be able to dig deep into

my thoughts and let that lull me to sleep is a blessing that I am holding onto.

A million years ago I was able to be able to put things in ‘boxes’ in my head. If I could figure out where something fit, then I could move on and it wouldn’t

nag at me any longer. I stopped doing that when I was told it wasn’t healthy how I was doing it. I wasn’t facing the issue, just how to get rid of it.
The other night I had some suppressed anger that was nagging at me.
I turned off the television and drew a line in my head. One side was what happened. Underneath that is how that action made me feel. On the other side was

who caused that feeling and why they did it.
Right smack in the middle was a blame column.
I started at the beginning of it all from my point of view and then switched over to the other side. I realized after about ten minutes that I brought it on myself.

This one belonged to me. I owned this anger, frustration and sadness.
I feel asleep feeling better because even though I was the dumbass that did it to myself, I had learned from that action and it’s not one I will repeat again.

Last night I had some other things rolling around so I did the same thing. I turned off the tv and went digging in. It was about 35 seconds later I feel asleep. I

guess that issue wasn’t as pressing as I thought or I wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep if I hadn’t figured it out.

Everyday is new day (or so I am told, I’m starting to feel like I’m recycling old days sometimes) and today on my way to work I had one of those awesome

moments where I thought, ‘right now, i’m happy.’.
I’m happy with how well I am doing. I’m flipping pages to my life and each chapter is so different from the last one, but damn…i’m living it.

Did it turn out like I planned? Nope…and it’s darn good thing because I can’t imagine what tomorrow is going to bring.

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01
Nov
Happy Halloween 2010
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Let’s just start this off with, I love my kids.
I love that they might be too old to be trick or treating, but still go out, buy a costume and go trick or treating.  Kara was the alien toy from Toy Story and it

didn’t matter how many times she said,  “The claw has chosen.”  It made me giggle.
Her boyfriend and best friend borrowed Pooh and Tigger from our collection of costumes.  They looked so cute it almost made me cry!
Shea was a barmaid and her long hair made it look awesome!  Alyx,  my ever so creative child got a toddlers crayon costume and wore it as a shirt.
Jeremiah FINALLY got to wear his spiderman costume.
A few weeks ago we went to the store and he wouldn’t stop. “Auntie…auntie….auntie…I’m getting my costume today right?! Mom, tell Auntie I am getting my

costume. WHY ARE WE HERE!? WE SHOULD BE GETTING MY COSTUME!”  If we were smart, we would have gotten that damn costume at the beginning of our

outing.

Saturday night Shea had her long belated birthday party.  She has ‘postponed’ her party many times and it was time to just stick to a date and go with it.  I

picked the weekend my brother was in Redding and my other friend was having a birthday party. I’m the master of planning shit out.
10 preteens hyped up on candy and the most amazing zombie cake was what my Saturday night looked like.  I thought it would be cool to buy them the

Nightmare on Elm Street movies.  What a great way to scare them at the end of the night!  *rolling eyes* those little brats LAUGHED at the scariest move the

1980′s produced!  They were belly laughing the whole damn thing.

At the end of that very long night I crawled up the stairs…and I mean, crawled because I was exhausted! and I had a few minutes to myself before I crashed. In

those quiet moments alone I managed to figure out something amazing that will allow me to continue to keep moving forward and not be bitter.   That will

come in a post later, but it’s safe to say…Holy Shit…I saved myself again and this time it didn’t require jumping out of a plane. :D

Happy November.

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29
Oct
Senior Fall Play
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Kara is in a play, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
My wonderful daughter was in last night’s play and I couldn’t be more proud!!

I love the woman she has become. As a parent all I can say is I can look back at her time in High School and be proud of the daughter I raised and the person

she became.

Every time she came on stage, I wanted to cry out of pride. “that’s my daughter right there!” is what I wanted to tell anyone who would listen. Instead I just sat

that and tried not to let anyone see how weepy I was.

No one ever told me that being a parent would be this amazing and emotional.

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26
Oct
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
I’m in a bad mood. I’ve been in a bad mood for a couple of days and I after a phone call last night, i’m in a worse mood. If that is humanly possible.

Getting back to knowing what I need to do. I need to just not give a shit and just go about my day and shut the fuck up. LET GO.

Don’t Trip, QTIP. QTIP standing for: Quit taking it personal.
It’s hard not to when it feels like everything is personal now days.

What I need to do is focus on what I need to do to get back to where I need to be.
There is a new song by Sugarland called “Little Miss”. If I were going to write a song, it would have came out just like that.
Sometimes you have to lose to win. Everything will be alright again.

So In order to get back to ‘again’…I’m pulling myself away from all the things that piss me off, make me sad, make me lose focus.

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19
Oct
What I need to do…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I know what I need to do, but doing it means never turning back.
There are times when not turning back seems like the thing that will save me…but it scares the crap out of me too.

I know, I know…when we close a door.   Today just shows me that I am one step closer to wanting to do that and open that window.

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18
Oct
All Shiny and New….
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Crawling out.., originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
It rained yesterday. It wasn’t the awesome earth pounding accompanied by crackling thunder, but it still provided that ‘rainy’ feeling.

I woke up Saturday morning with high hopes of heading out to the dropzone, but ended up at the pumpkin patch with Tabitha and Jeremiah. It was so worth it.
That night was homecoming for Kara and Marina. They both looked awesome, of course.
I stayed home that night so I could be there when they got home from the dance. “How was it?” I got the same response I have been getting for years from

both of them. Kara, “Awesome!” and then Marina. She doesn’t have to say anything to me, I can still read her facial expressions after 7 school years of

dances.
“that good huh?” I’ll ask her for details later.

Sunday I watched Transformers 1 and Ratatouille. I wasn’t sure if my friend from Elementary school, Dewayne was going to be back in town soon enough to

take more pictures of his old pictures, so I just hung out and listened to it rain and got some laundry done. As boring as this weekend sounded, it was exactly

what I needed.

The rain washed away all that stuff that bugging me.

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14
Oct
Protected: things I don’t want to forget, but know I will.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: GYOW
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12
Oct
Dear Heavens…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Up up…, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
How often are you sitting there and you realize the exact moment you got sick? This happened to me on Sunday.

It’s now Tuesday and I should be feeling better, but it keeps getting worse with a whole new level of ick.

I bought a new coffee grinder and figured if I could coffee into me, I would feel a little bit better. I couldn’t work the grinder and by the time I crawled back

upstairs to recoup from the frustration I had picked up a new symptom. Dizziness.

Popping Nyquil day tabs and night tabs have been my only recourse for this madness. It’s now 6:40 and I am well enough to sit in an upright position. THANK

GOD.

Tomorrow I need to be better so I am going to pray tonight. I think God is mad at me and put me in a time out though.

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14
Dec
I love this sport!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I have never seen an open canopy base jump.   This one was awesome!!

JESTER FIGHTS THE LAW…and the LAW WINS!

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13
Dec
You want more? I’ll make it….
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I think it’s about forgiveness…., originally uploaded by Suddenly Single.

Oh how I wish I could say I was a Holiday type of person. I think since the Incredible Hulk skates mix up when I was child that I don’t have it in me anymore.
I got an invite to bail out on Christmas morning madness and I actually considered it. Hell, I am still considering it.

My sister is the glue of our family and when I put my fingers in my ears and start saying, “lalalalalala-i can’t hear you-lalalalalala” there is a good chance that

I am going to get in trouble. She hasn’t given me the “Yes, we are coming down for Christmas.” so I am looking for just about any reason to not celebrate. I

got a tree earlier than I normally do because I could see this was not going to be a good year for me. It’s been sitting in my new living room without a single

thing on it for a week. The only reason I put the lights on it the other day was because I felt bad for the tree.
Every time I walked by he would say, “It wasn’t enough I was cut down, tied up and thrown in the back of a truck like a refugee on the run and then SOLD FOR

TEN BUCKS, but you won’t even trim me up and decorate me? YOU SUCK WOMAN! SUCKITY SUCK SUCK!”

You have lights now, shut the hell up you damn tree!

I can’t even imagine the freedom to be able to say, “Hey, i’m going to do this, not feel guilty about it. “
It’s a “Hold my beer and watch this…” famous last words moment. I would NEVER live it down.
“Remember that year you bailed on Christmas?”
Ohhhh, but the thought of laughing all day and not worried about if I got enough, the food is good, is it enough…have I given ENOUGH???
Ever feel like you give all you have and there is always someone that looks at you like you didn’t do enough? I do. Why do I even give a flying fuck? Because

he is the other 50% of my children’s memories growing up and his words have impact on the way they look at me.

I did actually call and tell him I was going to have the girls on Christmas Eve and he could have them Christmas morning.
I rendered him speechless.

I wonder what would win out in my memories later in life? the guilt trip I got or the laughter I had that day?

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09
Dec
How much do I hate the doctors?
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


How much do I hate the doctors?, originally uploaded by Suddenly Single.
I have to laugh when they take my blood pressure. It makes them very uncomfortable that my blood pressure is so low.
“This is scary low.” the nurse said.
I realize that and that is why I went in…TWICE.
The doctor said what they always say…”could be stress.” Which makes no sense to me because isn’t stress spose to give you HIGH blood pressure?

I’m up to six viles of blood later and they don’t have any answers to what is wrong and why my body is shaking like I have hypothermia and I have to wear 5

layers of clothing to keep warm. That much isn’t so bad. It’s the light headed and can’t breath part that is bugging me.

They ran a pregnancy test. I felt like laughing, but the stupid gown they had me in was NOT helping with the shaking.

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08
Dec
Struggles..
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Well, I have reached that final spot. The one where you hit the floor in the hallway and slide up to the bed in praying stance and say, “GOOOOD! HELP ME!”

I’ve been here before. Many times. This time seems to be different. I’m done living this life the way I think it needs to be lived. I’m giving my life back to God

and going to live it as his will.  Whatever direction he points me in, I will not question anymore.  The need for peace and hope is what I need to stop just

surviving and start living.

Does this mean that I become one of those ‘bless you’, kinds of people. Probably not. In this process I hope to lose the part of myself that carries the hate,

anger and the inability to forgive.   I’m done with Karma. I’m done with “everything happens for a reason”, i’m also done with the holding on to something

because I was good for it.  If that person or object isn’t good for ME, it needs to go. I already weeded out the truly EVIL people in my life…now it’s to get rid of

that anger that was associated with them.

Tabitha and I talked today. If we loved ourselves with the passion and intensity that we love other people, we would be unstoppable. It’s time for me to start

believing in myself….and to also hand over the stuff that I can’t handle anymore.
That is out of my control.

Do I forgive yet? No. It takes time. Am I not angry and hateful yet? HELL FUCKING NO.  (i’ll work on the language later) but I am willing to let it go, if He is

willing to take it away and replace it will blessings.

There was this song I use to listen to when I was younger and it was based on Proverbs. “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own

understandings. Acknowledge the Lord in all of your ways…and he will set your paths straight.”
I’m ready to trust, stop questioning His will for me and for my paths to be a little less uphill.

The support system I am surrounding myself with is going to get stronger….I actually asked Spock for guidance on my relationship with God and how to get

past the road blocks that have stopped me in the past.   Someday I’ll explain this line. :)

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04
Dec
It didn’t make the cut…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


This SHOULD be our Christmas card!, originally uploaded by Suddenly Single.
We went out today and got all our pictures done in ten minutes flat.

After going through all of our pictures, we decided that this was the best one and it SHOULD be our Christmas card.

We ended up going with the ones that make us look a little more civilized.

*no photoshopping needed.

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01
Dec
Watch this!!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I am SO grateful that my sister can ALMOST fully appreciate this sport now.  After she does her *first* tandem, she will be able to understand why I love it so

much.  The fact that she said she WILL go and she is excited about it, just thrills me to death!

So, here you go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxMBCWfDV5Q&feature=player_embedded#!
One of the most amazing things about this sport are the videos!

If you didn’t get a chance to view Courage in Sports which had Ed and the other wingsuiters you missed a good show, check out TIV’s blog:
http://teamillvision.blogspot.com/2010/11/courage-in-sports-awards-features-team.html

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30
Nov
The Ex-wives Club
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


The Ex-wives Club, originally uploaded by Suddenly Single.
Last night was the last night for Tabitha and Jeremiah in the town we live in.
Her phrase always was, “I am not from here!” and I get it, but once we got past our differences (ha-that makes it sound less painful than what we went through)

we got really close and I very much enjoyed her conversation and the times spent laughing with each other. I’m going to miss her ‘not from here’ ass.

She was warned that she will have to come stay one weekend out of the month because I am going to go through Jeremiah withdrawals. I asked him last night

while he was giving me the biggest hug, “What’s my name, little man?” he hugged me tighter and said, “Auntie Awesome.” I hope he never outgrows that…or

calling Kara, Kiki.

Things have been going pretty good for me though. I’ve lost nearly 20lbs…with only 60 more to go! Breaking past the 20 marker has been a pain in the ass

though. I can’t remember the last time I had a soda. I thought for sure I would miss them, but I haven’t and I can actually SMELL sugar if it’s close enough to

me. The artificial sweeteners are too sweet for me now.

It seems like everyone is going out and getting their Christmas trees and I have no interest in doing so. I have 5 boxes in my garage screaming to be

unpacked and put up to ring in the holiday and I’m just not there yet. Thanksgiving came and went without any fanfare…(well, except that one thing) and I

guess I was hoping that Christmas could do the same. I have a feeling I won’t be so lucky…on either count.

I have 25 days to find that Christmas spirit. Might be in one of those boxes in the garage.

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28
Nov
Split Social Personality
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I’m at that weird cross road where I am caught between who I am, what I want to be…and in those moments I seem to be able to write from the heart.   As you

can tell, i’m kind of half assing it here.
So here is where the split social networking personality comes into play.
Facebook: I write whatever the fuck I want, but then I hit delete and try to write it where my family doesn’t want to wash my mouth out with soap, my aunt feels

she needs to pray for my soul, that is without a shadow of a doubt, going to rot in hell. I don’t want to sound single/available because I don’t want anyone

interested. I don’t want to sound single/bitter because there will come a day when I do and I don’t want someone to think I will cut off their penis if they leave

the toilet seat up either.  I don’t want to sound weak, because i’m not. I don’t want to sound strong, because I’m not.
I just write really pointless crap…which I have come to find is what Facebook is best for…oh, and being able to find the funniest shit on youtube. I mean come

on…Antione and “hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your husband because they are raping evr’one out here.” I don’t care who you are, that was funny as

fuck.

R&O is my heart. This is where I bring it and dump it and not really care who is going to read it.  There’s a pretty good chance I will not ever go into a position

in my life where high up executives will go through my blog and say, “Dear God! that woman spoke of boob hair on the internets!!”

Flickr that is mostly associated with my blog is where I had a blast.  The amount of technical crap I learned from those amazing photographers that I have

passed onto other people in return is the ultimate pay it forward website.  I have since blocked nearly 9,000 pictures.  Not sure where I am going with it yet, I

might bring back the artistic pictures…right now it says what I need it to, it’s my reminder to move forward.
The other Flickr I have is from Suddenly Single.  When I got my new phone I put the address to upload my pictures to that Flickr instead of my old Flickr

because I didn’t want a bunch of ‘cell phone pictures’ cluttering up my main account and with this new phone that is *cue angels singing*

heeeeaaavvvvennnnn….I had noooooo idea how many ‘cell phone pictures’ I would be taking.  For the record, A WHOLE BUNCH. Since we are talking about

my new phone… How did I live before swype? I. DO. NOT. KNOW!
In the process of getting to know my new phone I found some cool apps that do a great job fucking up a normal picture and sometimes making it look kind of

cool.  Fine line people, FINE line.  When I started uploading them and looking at them, I was inspired to write. When I write there, I would like to say it’s from

my cheerleader side.  You know that person inside of you when you break down and start crying and that voice starts yelling at you to stop, pick yourself up,

keep going…that one that tells you that you’re a fucking idiot and to get a clue.  That is the one that writes on that Flickr. I think I kinda have a little crush on

her.  She’s the smarter, wiser, stronger part of me.

I wish that I had more of an artistic side, but I guess I can only have 1 or 2…that is split up into 2 or 3 each.

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27
Nov
everything’s alright I’ll just say goodnight and I’ll show myself to the door
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


everything’s alright I’ll just say goodnight and I’ll show myself to the door, originally uploaded by Suddenly Single.
The weather was so nice driving back up to Redding yesterday. This morning the weather is horrible!
The wind is kind of scary.
I can drive in rain and snow without freaking out…but you throw wind in there and I get a bit weirded. It wasn’t as bad when I was driving the big truck, but my

wee little car tends to get whipped around on the road.

I tend to be a spur of the moment type of person. I decided in 3 minutes that I was going to throw a pair of pants and my running shoes into a bag and head to

Redding to see my sister. Three hours isn’t too bad if you have music and a good attitude. It would be wise for me to be a bit of a planner, because as pretty

as it was yesterday…i’m going to driving home today in crap ass weather. This wasn’t a big secret, apparently it was on the news.

Recently, I have had a lot of wake up calls and one of them is, there might come a time when I am not allowed to drive because I might forget where I am

going. There might a time when my kids freak out because I am too old to be driving in a car all by myself. So if I can throw my stuff into the trunk of my car

and drive, dear God, I am going to do it.

This is just another one of those things in life that I am going to push through…so that way next time I can say, “Hey, I’ve been here and I survived it!”

So bring on the freaking tornado. I’m just going to tighten my seat belt and turn up the radio. :)

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25
Nov
Oh the blessings…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Happy Thanksgiving!

How fantastic was it to not wake up to an alarm this morning? Amazing!!
How awesome is the cup of coffee I am enjoying from my bed on my NOT work computer? HEAVEN!

Alyx is with a friend down south this week. It took a act of God for both Dan and I to agree to let her go because to both of us, she’s still just 5 years old and

never too far from either one of us.  In a little over a month she turns 14 and it’s just not easy to wrap my mind around that. I am thankful that she’s a smart,

funny and responsible girl that we can trust.

Shea and Kara are sleeping in like they have this whole break.  Kara actually crawled out of bed at 3pm the other day. Damn, I sort of miss those days when

laying in bed all day wasn’t a treat, but a weekend requirement.  Now I get up at 5:30 every morning and drive an hour in traffic.

Everyone on Facebook has been talking about what they are thankful for for Thanksgiving.  Family, Friends, Health. Those are the staple things I have been

reading.  I am thankful for all those things too, but I think the really things tend to get forgotten and so I am taking my little things and writing about them

here.

1. I am thankful for my car. Yes, it’s old as hell without a single bell or whistle, but it gets me from point A to point B.  Would I love a newer car? yes, I would,

but I am thankful for what I have today.

2. For the woman who gave me a shot and allowed me to move into her home as a renter.  Having lost my home this year was heartbreaking and I swore I was

going to end up in a tiny apartment, but someone heard my story and trusted that I would treat her house as a home and take care of it. I will not let her down.

3. The school system my kids are in.  I don’t think they get enough credit for all that they do. The teachers that take their lives and dedicate it to making sure

that our children will not fail.

4. My amazingly comfortable bed. Sometimes I sink my face into the feather down goodness of it and say, “thank you..I love you!” It’s not until you sleep in

somewhere else that you realize how you and your bed have a special relationship.

5. My memories. Sometimes they are mean to me, but for the most part, I have some great memories and recently I found out how vivid a memory can be that

you can actually remember what someone feels or smells like.

6. Those rare moments when Kara and Shea get along and realize they have more in common than they thought. Those moments where Kara realizes how

much her little sisters look up to her and relish every moment she is nice to them. I am blessed that my girls do love each other, stick up for each other when

it counts and keep each other out of trouble.

7. My ex’s.  Let’s start with Dan. Does he piss me the fuck off on a daily basis? YES he does. He also loves his daughters and as much as he hates to admit it,

he loves me too.  I am the mother of his children and he knows what I do is for them and though there isn’t a chance in hell we will ever be together again, he

there if my car breaks down, needs air in the tires, the smoke alarm batteries are chirping, the garbage disposal gets clogged or I need to have a mental break

down…he is there. Next Shaun…there are two things I am grateful for; 1. He left. 2. He left me with Tabitha, Jeremiah and Marina.
and last the best Ex of all: Tabitha.  Our friendship which is like a sisterhood started out great, got rocky, got ugly, got hateful, got beautiful, got hateful again

and now…through all that we have been through is something I am PROUD of. She has turned out to be a better friend than all those people that were a part of

my life and helped me bash her and call her names. No, i’m not proud of that, but I think that it just had to happen to get us to where we are now. I’m sure

everyone of her friends have wonderful stories of the things she said about me too. :)  We have gotten past that and when I don’t hear from her on a daily

basis, I actually MISS her.

8. My blog.  Ups and downs this poor thing has been through huh? The fact that I still get comments and emails from you all is truly amazing!  The fact that

so many followed me to Facebook and our friendship have blossomed is shocking. I love it.

9. My bathtub.  After my fall down the stairs where at the bottom I looked like a homicide victim, I still ended up going to the gym with a jacked up knee and

shoulder that I am pretty sure is dislocated…that amazing bath took nearly all the pains away.  Not all…this shoulder hurts like hell!

10.  Entertainment.  I remember after a tearful conversation a year ago when I had poured out all the things I needed to say…I turned on the TV to get my head

somewhere else and I turned on Chuck.  30 short minutes later I was cracking up. I had said my final goodbyes to my husband through tears…and 30 minutes

later I’m laughing at a TV show?  It sounds heartless, but it showed me that I would laugh again…oh how much laughter have I had in the last 19 months? SO

MANY!  Music has moved me into action and pulled me from sadness and helped fuel anger to push me forward.  Rocky Horror  Picture Show brought down a

wall with my daughter and allowed her to accept a friendship she wouldn’t allow.  The Biggest Loser has shown me that I can push, push, push myself.

So there it is. My crazy list of things I am thankful this year :)

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31
Dec
I told you so!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


No, it didn’t taste good., originally uploaded by Suddenly Single.

This was the first piece of pizza I have had in probably 4 months. Actually this is the first piece of bread I have had in that long.
So what made me finally cave in?  too tired to NOT eat it.

Last night I packed up my bye-bye bag and headed to Lodi to hang out with some of my sky friends. The combination of people was screaming trouble, and I

was game to get into a little of it.
Since I’ve lost weight, I think my alcohol tolerance has gone to zero. I use to be able to have a few glasses of wine and be able to hold my own. The last time I

went out, I had one drink and a beer and I was praying the prayer, “make the spinning stop and i swear, never again will I just start mixing whatever I find in

the counters and adding ice. For the love, I AM NOT A BARTENDER!”
This time I knew that I wouldn’t be able to pull off the normal couple of glasses and be cool so I paced myself. Sha. That worked. NOT.
One glass of wine and I was finished.

The night was fun though. I sleep on feather down goodness so leaving my house knowing I wasn’t going to be creeping back home to climb in my

comfortable bed is always a challenge. I brought my pillow, blanket and the robe and my comfy cozies. It was a girls night in and of course where there are

girls in jammies with a huge bottle of wine…there are boys!
How I managed to get suckered into watching Taladaga Nights should be  proof that I had a half a glass of wine too much.
The night officially came to a end at 4 in the morning on the couch and was up at 7am to get ready to head out to the dropzone.
Yes, it wasn’t a well thought out plan. I see that now.

It took me until 2pm to peel myself off the couch at the dropzone and painfully make my way home.
This was a really weird year of my life and the ending was no different than the whole damn thing.

Tonight my friends are coming over here and I am going to do my best to bring in 2011 with more laughter. After last night and all the laughing I did, I might

need to do some crack to stay awake!

I love this life, it’s crazy and messy and beautiful all at the same time. I have been blessed and I realized this week, I am going to be juuuust fine.

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29
Dec
Movement…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
The new year is right around the corner and I am giddy with excitement!
I’ve decided to change so much in my life and even though many of them are already in motion, the new year is  the rock solid date fora few of them.

Prepping for the new year has been challenging, but I am ready.

I’ve decided that I am letting go of all that anger and resentment I have been carrying with me. The first part of that is forgiving myself.  This is the hardest

part.

I got a facebook message from a reader and she opened up to me and her words have had a healing effect on me since then.   I took what she said and I

turned it around in all different directions, much like trying to figure out a puzzle piece and how it fit into my life.  The words were from the heart and it was a

part of the paying it forward part of this blog.   I say that because when I started writing here, it was for nothing more than keeping my mother and sister

updated on what was going on. It was a carry over for another blog I had.  Where this blog has gone has been amazing.  I have been contacted by readers

through out the years with questions and recommendations.  They have been there when I had a question I couldn’t figure out for myself.  This comes from

the brutally honest way that I have written and how open I have been. There were people in my life that said to stop writing and telling people all the stuff I was

going through.  Looking back through the years, I don’t regret my honesty because from it, I have gotten more than I could have given.
This reader was catching up and because of something I was going through, she felt she could share with me.  I am so lucky she did because it has allowed

me to look at the way I want to live my life for the following years.

The part of forgiving myself comes from that very message.  In order to be loved, I have to love myself.  People will come into my life that can’t love me

because they don’t love themselves.   I can’t fix the second one, but I can fix the first one.
Being honest with what I tell myself.
The other day I put that into action and this whole taking what you’re saying and REALLY looking at it and questioning it is hard work.  It was so hard that I

decided that I am not telling myself anything anymore because 90% of it isn’t really true.
If you haven’t gone to www.thework.com and filled out the ‘judging your neighbor’ form, do so.   The reality of how what I say has such an impact is brought

into light.
The end result of the ‘relationship’ part, I came the conclusion that without the things I was worried about, telling myself and feeling I wouldn’t be holding

myself back from true happiness. I would be amazing again.
You would think that would be something that people should just know, but I guess not. I’m not stupid in any way, shape or form (except directionally)  and

getting to the question, “imagine what your life and what you be like without that thought.”
It was at the end I decided to forgive myself.
Because I am forgiving myself, it’s okay to forgive the other people in my life.   Does this mean they have a place in my life? No. They don’t. That is now

something that will have to be earned.

I’m excited about the woman I am becoming. You would think by now I would be the woman I am going to be for the rest of my life. SOOOOooo not the case!

My sister is an example I am proud to have.  She is willing to use this next year to do some of the things she said she would never do and in the process of

doing that, she’s changing.   Supporting her means that I change too.  Because I am willing to do other things, there are people in my life willing to follow

me.

Last night was great.  I looked at the pictures that were taken and I look genuinely happy.  This morning on the way to work when I have such a long trip and

time to pull out boxes of the things I think about, I recognized some of my old thought patterns and I stopped.  I looked at what has been bothering me and

how it wears on me emotionally.
I don’t want to be angry anymore.  Just saying, “it’s okay if people in my life are not in the same place.” has been a source of relief.  Not everyone is

courageous, not brave enough to make the changes to be truly happy…not willing to dig deep in themselves and remember what makes them happy and run

towards it without hesitation because they feel they will be rejected.  Not everyone can do that and it’s no reflection on me.

I’m getting there. Thanks for following along and pushing forward on your own path.

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28
Dec
and it begins…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I go old school, originally uploaded by Suddenly Single.
I admitted to someone the other day, “I’m the only person left on the road that still has a cassette tape player and not a CD player.”
This was only one of many admissions of the person I am.

Since I have the damn thing, I figured I would buy some tapes. The only one I have listened to is Def Leppard. Over and over again.
I’m not a ‘retro’ type of person, but I tend to embrace what I have. I have a tape player, I have cassettes, I have a two hour commute to work and home. I am

rocking the hell out of my rewind and fast forward buttons and smiling about it. Yes, it’s stupid…but this is my life and I’m not mad about it at all. Don’t get

me started on the speakers! :)

Tonight is my best friends birthday. I didn’t get to spend it with her last year and I’m really excited about ending this year with all kinds of new things in my

life. Instead of spending our evening at the local haunt, I’m going to try one out that she liked to go to when she lived in her house. They have swing dancing

and I can ‘fake’ a mean swing dance and her boyfriend actually knows how to dance. More than likely I will try to sit back and take it all in as some of our sky

friends are coming out and I don’t want to look TOO stupid. I have an image to uphold. HAHAHHA.

I’m getting excited about this new year coming up. I’m making my list of the things I want to do for myself and some of the things I am doing in support of

others and it looks pretty good so far.
Kara got her outfit for Lady GaGa, and I really hope she can go. I wanted to be able to provide her with the tickets to her concert that just happens to be on her

18th birthday. She has her ‘concert buddy’ and I am so glad that later in life she will have some amazing memories of her concerts with her girlfriend.
She’s also getting her costume ready for her New Years Rocky Horror Picture Show she’s going to.
I’m amazed by her. If only I was half as cool as she is!!
She’s talked me into the 365 Picture A Day thing. I sucked at it last year, but I am willing to give it another shot.

Supporting my sister:
10k run. Climbing Mt. Lassen and quitting smoking Jan. 1.
Supporting my daughter:
356 pictures.
My list:
Let go and move on.
Do The Work.
Read more.
Write more.
jump more.
train more.
Be okay with who is in my life and how long they will be here.

It’s not much, but it’s a start.

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27
Dec
New Years..time for another letter to self…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Goodbye 3 day weekend!, originally uploaded by Suddenly Single.
I didn’t write a letter last year.

This year I will.

Dear Kristine,
I was way hotter than 2009 right? Because 2009 was a total dick to you and I was really good to you. I mean, other than that whole heart break thing. My bad,

i’m sorry. You weren’t ready. He wasn’t ready. You two just seemed to be an unstoppable force and I just let it ride. I figured I would let 2011 deal with it.

Let’s recap. You uh…well..hmm. Shit, sorry. WAIT, I got one, your divorce was finalized! You lost your house. Again, sorry about that.
You made a new friend. crap, that was 2009.

Okay, fine. Truth be told, I sucked too huh?

Well, if you’re going to look at me like that, i’m leaving! Good luck with 2011, i’m sure he will treat you better than I ever could.

Love,
2010

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25
Dec
Merry Christmas 2010
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
This year was a quiet one.  As I type, Alyx is playing downstairs with her new Ipod touch and the other two are playing Family Feud on the Wii.

I knew it was going to be a year with no gifts for me as I am as single as they come, so I bought myself a pair of new heels, 2 more sweaters…as if I need

another one and a book I have been waiting to go to paperback so I can afford it.  Instead of waiting, I downloaded it when I installed Kindle on my phone.
My mom and sister have been asking me to give them book suggestions since I gave them, “Water for Elephants” and they loved it.  My book tastes range

and I can read a book in a day.   At one point, I can have 3 books going at once.  Right now I am in the middle of “Unbearable Lightness” and “Love, Lust and

Faking it”.
Both books are awesome, but I am finding that I love the way that Jenny McCarthy writes. It’s like reading a letter from a friend you’ve known for years and

isn’t afraid to say what she is thinking.  I can’t imagine who that sounds like.  Me, just in case you didn’t figure it out.

I got to the part of the book where she talks about having sex with someone beneath her level.  Yes people, there are leagues..and we are all in one.  For

example, there is this amazingly hot guy I know.  I’ve gotten to the point where I am tempted to remove him from my facebook friends because whenever he

uploads a picture,  I feel naughty for the amount of time I stare at it.
I’m telling you, being single fucks with my head.  When I am in a relationship, no one but that person exists.  When they say, “Blindly in love” they were

talking about me.  Much like the book i’m reading, Brad Pitt, George Clooney and the guy from True Blood could have walked naked into my room and if I

was with the man I was in love with, I would have said, “Brad, move your ass you’re blocking the TV and Colbert Report is on!”
I’ve also dated beneath my league.  Which gets me to the second part of the book where she is talking about Booty calls.
This whole term was straight from the ghetto slang handbook I was not privy to until I got into college.  “Hook Up”? what the hell was that?  My much younger

boyfriend was the first to introduce me to ‘booty call and ‘hooking up’.  In return for his immaturity, I learned a new one ‘revenge sex’.   My college years were

not something I can say I was proud of, but a few good things came from it.  I learned what a booty call was.
There is something extremely hot about the thought of driving across town and be fed dinner in front of a fake fireplace and then having sex on his thrift store

couches…and then leaving.  This went on for awhile and then he got fed up with me leaving afterward and something happened when he asked me to stay the

night with him.  It took everything in me to not put my shoes on and leave afterward.  The fact that his bed wasn’t really a bed, but a futon mattress on a bunch

of boxes only had half to do with it.  Sleeping over meant that we were taking our three time a month thing to another place I wasn’t comfortable with.
Long story short, I married my booty call.  We threw out his mattress and he moved in with me.
For those of you paying attention and taking notes; DO NOT MARRY YOUR BOOTY CALL GUY.

So here I am again, single again and having to get use to the idea of either never having sex again or just being with someone for a few hours.  The thought of

being in a relationship scares the living shit out of me.  Oh who am I kidding, having sex with someone new scares the shit out of me.  Just talking about

having sex with someone new scares me.  I’m just scared I think.

I’ve been lucky in the last couple years about getting real.  Ending friendships that have outlived their expiration dates, purging the toxic people out, getting

real about what I want and what I know I deserve in this life.  Now that ‘getting real’ thing is either going to go wonderful or horribly wrong.  I’ve decided to

open my life back up to letting people in and with that comes the Truth and Lies.   The truths we tell or keep to ourselves and lies we have to tell to keep

someone interested.  I told myself I’m not ready to play any games, but with dating it happens.
For example; I’m not telling people I skydive. Telling a potential date that I skydive is like telling them I am a stripper.  It’s pretty cool and exciting…at first.

Then you realize that this person lives a completely different life than the rest of the world and you don’t have a part in it.  If you open your mouth and

suggest they change, you’re an asshole.
So, this is a lie.  I’m not being honest, so it’s a lie.
The subject of ex’s will come up at some point.  These are more stories I am not willing to share. What happened in my past relationships built who I am

today.  Besides, do you really tell the guy you’re interested in, “oh the last guy I was in love with said i’m clingy, smothering and caused him resentment!

….Ohhh yeah, I’m a keeper!”   I guess the fact that I wrote that and i’m googleable, it’s now out there.  Yep, that’s me…
the truth in all it’s uglyness. I am everything a man would run the opposite direction from…unless you’re freaking crazy and sorry, my days of being with

‘crazy’ ended when he walked out the door a year and half ago.

So that leaves me what I do want.  The more guys I talk to, the more cynical I find myself though.  There’s this one guy that seems like a good enough guy,

but he does yoga.  Really? Yoga?.  Well, at least he was honest, unlike me who won’t admit she skydives.  I think the only reason I find him remotely attractive

is that he reminds me of an ex boyfriend I had once a long time ago.  Dear God, what is wrong with me and red heads?  When I read the books as a little girl,

prince charming wasn’t a red head.  He was tall, dark and handsome.  There is something about the fact that they can only be in the sun for a little while. It’s

like dating a gremlin. It’s dangerous and thrilling at the same time.  What happens if I get him wet and feed him twinkies after midnight?  Oh the challenge of

dating one is intoxicating!
Regardless, I am seeing what I see in the type of men I am attracted to and within the first few conversations, I’m done.  “I only like him because he looks

like…”, or “Never married, but has no baggage?…you scare me more than a guy divorced 3 times!”  The conversations I have had in my head are hysterical

to say the least.   I’m picky. WAY too picky for my own right.  I know I don’t deserve to be this picky.

So I have friends that are helping through this part in my life.  They are teaching me how to build the right kind of walls.  One is trying to teach me how to flirt

again.  It’s amazing, once you stop flirting, you tend to forget how.
No really, at this point if Brad, George and True Blood guy came in my room naked, my first reaction as a single girl would be, “You, the one with the shlong,

there is this massive spider in my bathtub, please kill it.  You with the abs, I have a shelf that needs to go up.  And you with hot ass, come over here because I

am freezing cold and my ass needs a warm back to heater up to!”

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23
Dec
ouch…ouch…OH HELL THIS HURTS!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Baby, I’m a star!, originally uploaded by Suddenly Single.
My sister’s bucket list keeps changing and I have to say, I’m okay with it. She decided that she wanted to try skydiving, which I have to say…I SUPPORT. She

also said she wanted to run a marathon and hike a mountain. Last two…not so much. Gotta say.

I don’t want to be a bad sister, but I have talked her down from the marathon and into a 10k and hiking Mt. Lassen this summer. She has agreed. I started

training and she is blessed by God with the ability to be able to pull that inner strength from her elbows or something and do it without any sort of effort.

She’s kind of a bitch that way.

Last night I started the preparations for the mountain. I’ve climbed it twice before and I have to say, it sucks. I complained the whole way up. I’m not much of

an, “oh look, a bird, listen to the sounds of nature, oh that view is amazing” kind of girl. I’m more of a ‘Get me to the top of this thing, cross it off your damn

bucket list and let’s go get a freaking drink and hot bath!” kind of girl.
I realize that the treadmill isn’t the ideal way to prepare for the hike. This isn’t a shocking realization for me since I will actually wait for the one treadmill that

is located directly under the air conditioner and the fan so I don’t over heat. Something tells me that I won’t be so lucky while climbing that mountain. I did a

level 13 incline for 3.5 miles last night. Today, I am in a touch of pain.
While on the treadmill trying to look like I wasn’t going to pass out, I had a friend texting me and I have to say, the looks I was getting as I burst into laughter

were not good. It could have been the “Jump Bitches. Team Dock a Ho” t-shirt I was wearing in addition.

Today, as tired as I am, I feel fantastic. Yes, freedom gave me a right hook to the jaw, but I am coming back with a round house!

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22
Dec
The Dark Passenger…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


The Dark Passenger…, originally uploaded by Suddenly Single.
I was having the most beautiful dream last night.
There was this beautiful lake and I was surrounded by people I adore. The sun was so hot it was stinging my skin and I walked up on this plank that over

looked the lake. Everyone was joking as if they were going to push me in, but before they could make their way to me, I began to run and when my feet left the

plank and hit the cold water I was filled with this amazing, joyful feeling.
I grabbed at the weeds at the bottom of the lake and pulled my legs down and pushed off from the rocky bottom and pushed my way out of the water.
It wasn’t anything like the feeling when your feet leave the door of an airplane, but it had that same feeling of joy I get.

When I woke up I felt like I understood what I wanted more than anything I have ever wanted. No, not to go swimming or go skydiving (even though, either one

of those sounds fabulous right now) I want that feeling of complete freedom.
No one stopping me from realizing what I know is good for me, and that includes myself. I’ve said it before, and it always rings true. I tend to get in the way of

my happiness. Block my own bliss.

You know that moment when you stop holding on to something that isn’t right for you and you’re rewarded tenfold? That is how I feel right now. I keep letting

go and just when I feel those blessing start coming in, I turn around and grasp onto what is safe.
When my feet left the plank, there was nothing to hold on to and I was rewarded greatly.

Ready to jump!

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21
Dec
I am.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I am., originally uploaded by Suddenly Single.
Every day there is one more thing that reminds me that I need to do just this.
Today is just another ‘every day’.
I keep making the steps to do just this, and then I make the foolish mistake of taking 19 steps backward.

Today. Today is the last day I will do that.

It’s been two years of saying, “Next year will be better.” This year, this one is mine. I’ve made my resolutions and I’m sticking to them.

2011 I will be too busy to worry about what anyone else thinks. 2011 will be full of new, beautiful things.

Before this DAY is over, I will let go of all of it and be done with it…I need to make room and practice for 2011.

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17
Dec
Home for the Holidays.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Kara had a rerun of this show on and the main character said, “We make boundaries and we find out that they don’t keep people out, they keep us boxed in.”

I think the lesson I have forgotten that I held so dear to me is that this life of ours, it’s short.  In the big picture of things, we are only here for a short time.

Kara said, “In 90 something days…I’m going to be 18 years old.”  It was another reminder of how quickly our time here is.  It wasn’t that long ago that I was

looking at her little baby fingers in the hospital and in awe of how delicate she was.  Now those hands are creating beautiful things, driving a car and holding

the hand of the man she loves.  This life goes by so fast.  What am I doing with each day of it?

Lately I haven’t been doing enough.  This last week has been spent stressing about Alyx being so sick.  There isn’t anything I can do to help her but watch her

and make sure she’s breathing. It’s frustrating as hell.
In between stressing about Alyx, I have been stressing about Christmas.
Again…did I do enough? get enough? will the girls be happy or disappointed on Christmas morning?

I’ve also been reading the bible.  It’s a hard task to break through the walls I have built up about organized religion. His word use to soothe me and give me

hope.  There will be a break through, I know there will be. Right now, I am trying to not question the words I am reading. The reminder that I need peace in

this life is around me every day.  I want happiness again and I have failed to find it on my own.

Patrick left for home to visit his family for the holidays.  Kara is sad and I understand that feeling of void she has.  The difference is she knows the man that

loves her is coming home soon.  Until then though, she looks like me. She’s just a shell of the woman she is when he’s around.  She has a purpose when

he’s near.
In a few days she will find her footing again and will find her smile again.

I’m still finding my footing, but I keep stumbling.  My smiles and laughter will be back soon too.
That’s really all I want for Christmas. To laugh. To smile. To have hope that I can stop getting in my own way of happiness.

and a pair of jumper cables too.

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16
Dec
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Tomorrow is Tabitha’s birthday.
I keep wanting to write something really nice for her,  but I was rereading some of the post with her in it and I think I have said it all.

When I write my book, her chapter will be called.  “I hated her. She sucked. We became friends. I love her.”
I remember thinking about her, “I wouldn’t trust that crazy bitch as far as I can throw her…unless I was her friend. She seems damn loyal to her friends.”
Oh thank the lord I am on the other side of the friend/not friend line.
We’ve learned a lot in the process of our friendship.

1. If one of us end up in jail, the other one will rally and get the bail money to get her out…and only joke about how funny it was after the appropriate amount

of time.

2. If one of us is standing in line at the store and the other one’s credit card doesn’t work, we will pay for whatever it is without question.

3. There will be calls at the stupidest of hours for the stupidest of reasons. Most of the time those calls will start out with some angry words directed at

someone else or the universe in general…but will end in giggling, laughter and support.

4. My sister likes her now. If my sister likes you…you’re in.

5. She has this strange ghetto grace that I make fun of on a daily basis. “Oh girl, HELL…YOU DON’T KNOW ME!”  I swear, there have been days when that one

line could make me laugh for a solid 3 minutes.  Ghetto Grace is what I call it now, because she turn from a respectable adult woman who is having a normal

conversation and all the sudden we are in da hood!

6. When I’m around mile 3 on the treadmill, the same song comes on: “Get Low” and I can’t help but get this dorky smile and start giggling remembering

when Tabitha and I were dancing in my new house and that song came on and I finally saw what she was saying, she is kinda black.  That girl has MAD

DANCING SKILLS.

7. She’s a good mom and she reminds me that I am too. We may parent different, but we respect each other.

8. We are the same kind of ‘crazy’.  And that is a freaking wonderful thing!

9.  There are days when I am feeling just about average and she will say, “Good morning beautiful, don’t you look like a sexy ass bitch today!?” and for a

minute, I feel beautiful…and like a sexy ass bitch.

10. She’s taught me a lot, but the number one thing will always be, “love with all your heart, don’t hold back and don’t be afraid of it getting busted open over

and over again…because it will and you will heal and do it all over again!”

For Tabitha’s birthday I promise to love again, not hold back when the opportunity arises. I promise to dance and get low when I can. I promise that if I do

anything to land myself in the clink, it’s going to be for kicking the living shit out of someone that deserves it….

Happy Birthday you sexy ass bitch!

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