2007: June - September

30
Sep
..Female Praying Mantis…but everyone is fair game.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety
What I am afraid might happen;

“Hey Kristine! How you doing?”

“Ugh.” And then I open my mouth real wide and bite their head off.

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27
Sep
What they will wake up to. Happy Friday!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: My Brats


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26
Sep
In the last 4 years, this was the highlight of living with teenage girls.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: kara, marina
Marina and Kara fight like real sisters and not step-sisters.

Both girls were 10 and 11 when they ‘met’ for the first time. In the beginning the novelty of having a friend to play with was totally awesome.

Then Shaun and the kids moved in and the girls entered into 6th grade. The novelty of it wore off FAST.

The past years have been a roller coaster of mood swings. I’m talking the Tilt’a'Whirl, Ferris Wheel and the Drop Zone of mood swings.

They can go a week being the bestest of friends, glued to each other and laughing together so hard that it makes us laugh because they are in the backseat crying in giggles.
AND the flip side of this the worst of enemy. They can’t walk down the hallway without the tension being so high that the pictures fly off the wall. They talk crap about each other and hurt feelings left and right.

Tonight made me realize that no matter what, the bestest of friends part totally over rides the worst of enemy part.

A couple years ago I went to The Eagles concert with Shaun. We had great seats, I had my buzz on, all was well in Kristine’s world….eeeexccccceeeepppt, I was missing something; My sister.
During a good portion of the concert I had my phone and kept asking her, “CAN YOU HEAR IT!!?”

Tonight Marina went to the Justin Timberlake concert. Kara told me that Marina promised to call her once during the concert. Aww. Cute. Now, where is the remote? HOUSE MD is on.

When Kara’s phone rang, she got the biggest smile on her face and bolted to her room. I followed her in and listened to Marina walk Kara through everything that Justin was doing and saying. While he was talking, Kara explained to me that when her and Marina first met they would sit in her room and listen to that song OVER AND OVER again, and even had a dance to it.
After the song started, Kara started singing with Justin AND Marina. Giggling. Truly happy that Marina was at the concert.

In the middle of the song, Marina yelled into the phone, “I LOVE YOU, KARA!”
and Kara with her big, toothy smile yelled back, “I LOVE YOU TOO, MINA!”

My heart EXPLODED with happiness.

They are real sisters.

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25
Sep
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: My Brats, My Favorite Posts


I am lucky enough to hear, “Your kids are so good.”

Of course, my come back is, “That’s because I beat them on Sunday. It takes care of anything they might have done during the week and gives them a nice reminder of what they have to look forward to next Sunday.”

We know this isn’t true. We know I really beat them on Tuesday. No, no, no…just kidding. sort of.

I was thinking about being a mom last night as I stood in the shower, fully clothed washing my daughter’s hair.

Am I the kind of mom that gets up every morning to make lunch for my kids? No.
Do I monitor everything they watch on TV? Hardly.
Are we the family sitting around the table talking? More like arguing.

Out of a sense of survival, my kids get up every morning and get themselves ready for school and if they don’t like what the school is making for lunch.
Alyx and I watch a lot of CNN, Headline News and Dateline. She’s VERY informed and loves it. Shea likes watching Hannah Montana and as much as I think the show is stupid, it’s better than That’s So Raven. SO watch on girlie-girl!
Kara likes watching all types of movies. Her father and I have actually put our foot down on “Good Luck, Chuck” because he has seen it and he said, “Wayyyy too much sex.”
Now dinner around our house is sort of bizarre, we grab our plates and inhale our food. Done. Let’s finish what we were doing before dinner interrupted us.

So again, I am standing in the shower with all my clothes on, washing away, wondering what my children think of me when they grow up? …ah, THIS is what they will remember.

They will remember they feared me when the thought of doing something wrong. They will laugh remembering the time I chased a bubble around the kitchen, squealing with excitement “Bubble!”…then slipping on the floor and crashing into the open dishwasher door.
They will remember the times that we did sit around the table to eat dinner together, it was something pretty darn special and they never took a second of it for granted.
Like me, they will know that mom’s room is the hang out — it’s the place were people go for counseling, quiet time, tivo and cuddles.
They will know before I was their friend, I was their mother.

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23
Sep
Nuthin’ Much..
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

Avery and Kara — Weekend Sleepover

This weekend was pretty uneventful. Saturday I had to drive Shaun’s death car downtown for a baby shower. During the 45 minute drive I realized there are so many things wrong with this car that there is really only choice. Beg someone to steal the car or trade it in.

Saturday night none of my medicine worked so my tooth was begging for me to yank it out. It took me until 5 am to finally fall asleep. I found if I stopped breathing that the pain was manageable.

Sunday, I cleaned up the bedroom and closet. Jeremiah came over to play with his brother and Shaun. I video taped him playing baseball with his cowboy hat. I was so thrilled to watch him ‘yee-haw’ and ‘ma-am’. I was pissed that it is too big to post on You-tube. I need to find a program that I can use to edit videos made on my camera. Any suggestions?

So yeah. Boring weekend. What did you all do?



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22
Sep
Welcome Bob…the new tooth
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: kara


BEFORE

Back in July, Kara had her oral surgery where they cut into her gums and put a bracket on her front tooth, put a chain on it, sewed her back up and then we had to wait for the tooth to come down.

The Orthodontist put some crazy wire thing on her braces and attached the chain to it. Within 24 hours we finally saw the tooth breaking through. It was coming in almost completely sideways, but HOLY HELL it was coming down!
3 weeks later, the tooth had come down a little bit, but not enough to be jumping for joy about.

The Orthodontist tightened up the crazy wire thing and within 24 hours the tooth was half way down. Nearly sideways, but it was half way down. We had a half a tooth.

The crazy wire thing began to dig into her lip and we were going to need it adjusted so on Thursday I took her in. The Orthodontist decided it was time to put a real bracket on it.

The VERY NEXT MORNING…WE HAVE FULL TOOTHAGE!! Not only did the bracket bring her tooth 95% down, it straightened it out!!

Sometimes I forget that you all have been around watching the growth of my children. This is a HUGE growth spurt in my daughter’s life. Here is her new tooth…we named him Bob.



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21
Sep
Published.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: photography


Shaun sent me an email yesterday to let me know that THIS PICTURE was picked to go into Digital Photographers magazine.

It will be in the December addition. I already have a subscription, but I have to go buy like 5 more at Barnes and Noble when it comes out.

SHOCKED…and thrilled to death are the only words I have for this.

Everyone have a great weekend. Take at least 5 pictures and send me a link to your website so I can see what you did this weekend.

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19
Sep
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Dashababy, Letters


Dear Kath,

Hey sister my sister. Remember when I started this blog and it was just so you and mom could drop in and see how I was doing because I am the lousiest caller-backer EVER?
Tonight is a reminder of the good ol’ days. Kind of give the outside world a view in to our bizarre conversations.
Either they will be bored to death or think I have officially lost my mind.

My hair…I finally like the color. It took longer than I thought it was going to, but the colors now finally work together and it’s nearly time to come up and let you abuse me again. I found the hair that grows in the middle of my forehead the other day. It has been removed so that was robbed from you. *evil laughter*

It’s 10pm. You called earlier and sounded like you were in a great mood…damn kids calling and getting me all forgetful. Sorry. I guess you’re probably in bed now. Snoring like a drunken sailor.

It rained here today. BAD. Thunder and lightening and everything. Reminded me of when we lived in the trailer and Sissy and Sadie would hide in the bath tub.

I’m doing okay. I was reading some posts from last year and was reminded how much my family is the medication I need. I know, I know…I don’t want to hear it. I can’t move back to Redding. I won’t move back to Redding. We will just have to find a way to make our visits last longer and more often. I want to see Barry too. I miss him…us…how we all laugh until we cry when we are together. I would suggest a family reunion, but that would just send all of us anxiety people into a spiral of Eeyoreness (yes, I am making that a word) I hate that someone has to die for all of us to get together. I know next month is one of Terry’s daughters wedding and I’ll be up there for that. Not the same though.

I miss mom too. Even when she’s all jacked up and grumpy. I miss her. There are times when I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say, “Screw it. Someone else take care of this shit. I’m leaving for a week.” It just never seems to be able to happen. Between doctor visits, orthodontic appointments, school crap and work…I just can’t say, ‘fuck it.’

Looking at my calendar, I’m booked EVERY DAMN WEEKEND for the next few months. This up coming weekend I have Alisyn’s baby shower, the week after that a birthday party…the week after that is a wedding…does it end?
I’m about to pull my hair out with all the stuff. and stuff. and more stuff.

How about you, me, a beach with a cock in our hand? Damn, do I miss having a plan for something with you. Something to look forward to. It makes me want to cry. Oh shit, I am crying.

I have been sitting on Southwest airlines website for days on end just waiting for something. Something that says, “Hey, book me. You, your sister, your mom…GO. NOW. GO!”

I miss you, Kath… I love you too.

Krissy-Pooh

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18
Sep
Misunderstandings…as always.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: friends
‘Cita was telling me a story that her husband was telling her.
He was talking about a show he saw in Las Vegas and he was describing what was was going on and said, “Then the people came out and were Flamingo dancing….”

‘Cita interrupted him and said, “Flamingo dancing? You mean Flamenco dancing?”

She said she gave him shit about it all day. I then admitted I thought it was Flamingo dancing too.”

“Kristine, I can’t believe it, YOU TOO? I have a huge portrait hanging in my house with a Flamenco dancer with the word FLAMENCO on it.”

“I just thought it was a fancy-shmancy way of saying, ‘Flamingo’.” I admit.
Okay, fess up…did you know it was Flamenco and not Flamingo?

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18
Sep
If you break in, avoid the kids rooms. They are armed.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: journey, My Brats
There are two rooms in this house that I do not go into. The frustration of entering these two rooms is just too overwhelming and I’m likely to have my head burst just thinking about this post.

One room would be the teenage daughters’ room. (punctuation correct?)
This room is (pause for the eye rolling, gagging motion and whole body shivers) NASTY. You would think a whole family of picky eaters live in that room. Half of EVERYTHING shoved under tables and in corners of the dressers.
The rule is, ‘no eating or drinking in your room’…yet you would think Lavern and Shirley live in there. Pepsi cans, half a glass of milk hidden in corners.
The other room is the little girls room. This room isn’t as nasty as the other girls room…it’s just a danger zone. There are tiny objects that can pierce through the bottom of your foot. They try to keep things off the floor…by piling them ON their beds.

Now if I have looked for something that is ‘lost’ in this house, I am left with the assumption that it’s in one of those two rooms, correct?
So IN THOSE ROOMS I am guessing you would find:

1. an ARSENAL of scissors. At LEAST 20 pairs PER ROOM.
2. My Swiffer vac charger (yes, it’s useless without it)
3. My most favorited, “I’m not really a waitress” ISO nail polish
4. SEVERAL bottles of nail polish remover.
5. Finger nail clippers…at least 3 per room.
6. Hair spray and ALL of my favorite brushes.
7. MY GOOD MAKE-UP and not the crap that is left behind.
8. 500 dirty towels
9. 900 kabiltrillion hair clippies and ties.
10. Some of my clothes that have accidentally been folded and put into their room, but because they are too lazy to walk it into my room; it ends up in a corner of the room covering the half of bottle of Sobe or AMP drink.

I wish I had kept count of how many pairs of scissors I have bought in the last 4 years. It’s almost frighting.

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17
Sep
Garble Garble…drowning…garble…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: ex, Random


This weekend: Shot a wedding, shot twins, shot my family, shot Shaun’s family.

Officially HATE taking pictures now.

My tooth is so abscessed that ‘it’s a wonder I’m not dead’.

The brakes that were just installed began smoking outside the dentists office (no, i’m not even going to make a joke about that either)

Can you say, “ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!” ???

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13
Sep
Ooochie Momma
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


Ode to my tooth:

Toofer, please do not hurt anymore.
I have taken advantage of you.
I have treated you like a whore.

I promise to brush
and keep you all clean.
I will floss all the junk
and remove all that is green.

Oh toof of mine, stop hurting my head
the pounding is making me twitch
and I wish I were dead.

The throbbing it must stop
Please oh toofer of mine.
uh…I don’t know how to end this.
Damn medication. I won’t even remember I wrote this tomorrow.

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13
Sep
Most Random Request
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I know I have at least 500 lurkers and this is where I am calling in ALL of you to do me the lamest favorite ever:
CLICK HERE and vote for SACRAMENTO VS. WHITNEY

(no, I don’t have a kid that goes to Whitney…but as a community, we are pissed that Roseville is trying to win.)

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12
Sep
Karma wastes no time on me.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random, Shaun


(taken last night after I tried to get up and fell back down)

Shaun was in the bathroom, bent over getting the last remaining pieces of Q-tips and hair balls the size of small dogs from behind the toilet when I walked up behind him quietly and grabbed his ass while yelling, “GOOSE!”
He smacked his noggin on the toilet!

“OH GOD, Shaun, I’m sorry!”
“Ouch. I hit my eye!”
*evil giggling* “I’m SOO sorry. I scared you huh?”
“No.”
I scared him.
I’m doing that internal giggling as I walk down the hallway to use the other bathroom and run SMACK into the vacuum cleaner.

Karma. She’s a bitch.

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11
Sep
Conversations @ the Random and Odd House
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Dashababy, Random, Shaun


“Kristine.”
“Yep.”
[Big Eyes -- I'm in trouble]
“Kristine…how many containers of product would you guess are in the shower?”
[covering my eyes -- I'm in trouble]
“Just guess. How many bottles of WHATEVER in there; shampoo, conditioner, soaps. How many would you guess?”
[peeking out from hands]
“THIRTY FIVE! There are THIRTY FIVE BOTTLES OF STUFF IN THE SHOWER! That is a bottle for every year you have been alive.”
[mumble something about him taking out the trash in there]
“That’s it. I’m going to shower in the sink for now on.”

My sister is a hairdresser. I can’t help it.

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10
Sep
Not dead. Exhausted.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety, journey, My Brats, photography, Shaun


It’s been awhile since the update on Random and Odd.

The kids are doing FanFrigginTabulous. They are loving school this year. High school is suiting the older girls and the younger girls are falling into their middle school grooves.

Shaun started softball tonight and that means his energy level will go up. He’s happier when he has his outlet.

As for me; I am working on this whole positive thinking thing. Everyday I tell myself that I am so very happy, even if it looks like it’s going to be a rough day.
My ability to be able to feel an anxiety attack coming on has always been a comfort. When I lowered my dosage of Celexa I went through the strange dizziness and headaches, but I was OK.
The last few days have been a bit harder than the others.
Today it felt like I was sitting in front of a fire and it was burning my chest, yet the rest of my body felt normal. My arms and hands have been very shaky.
Now I feel like I have this alien in my chest trying to burst out.

I took something to help me through it and I put my head on the pillow for a second. FOUR hours later I woke up drenched in sweat and feeling like I had been beaten up. Now I have the ‘slept too long shakes’.

After a long bath, I washed my hair, blow dried it and curled it to get rid of the frizzy. I haven’t had my hair down in so long and I realized that my hair, out of a pony…comes down to the middle of my back. Whoa.

This is not my comeback post. If it were, I would have danced better and not hidden behind my backup dancers.

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10
Sep
Catching the bandwagon!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Anyone else already jump on the Widget wagon?

I just found them. Any suggestions on which ones are cool and which ones are the waste of time?

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09
Sep
You know you want this!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: photography, Random, Shaun


Wanna kiss?

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07
Sep
Taking Name Suggestions…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: ex


Yesterday was the busiest day of my life.
I spent hours driving back and forth from one place to another.
Not any place in particular. Just here. Then there. Then back here.
At 7pm I pulled up in front of my house and forgot that I was at the wrong house.

As you can see there is a new member to our crazy family. Since she hasn’t named herself yet, we are calling her, “Dan’s stupid mid-life crisis” or “Kara’s key to being the coolest kid in High School for being dropped off in front of school on a motorcycle”

Dan and I met in 1990. He was riding his Kawasaki 900 Ninja (like Maverick’s in Top Gun). He rode the hell out of that bike for many years until It got ripped off in front of our apartment in Sacramento.
He spent a long time trying to get it back into running condition, but it was never the same after he got it back, completely demolished.
I had no problem with him no longer riding the bike because we had kids and the thought of him getting in a wreck, made me a wreck.
Sometimes I would hear him start in the garage, testing it to see if it still ran, and I would run out there to see him smiling and covered in grease.
“Turn it off!” I would beg.
“Listen to that. I think all it needs is…” and he would name off a list of parts he would go buy.

I hadn’t thought about him being on a bike for many years. He mentioned wanting to get a new one, but I just brushed it off as a whim.
His whim became a reality the other night.

We were sitting in his truck the night before last and he was talking to his friend, Mike. They were talking about bikes on Craig’s List.
After 2 hours of sitting in the truck he had convinced me that he was going to get this certain bike.

I drove him down to Sacramento last night to pick it up. All the way there I was killing him with the rules of having a motorcycle.
1. The little girls, DO NOT GET TO RIDE IT.
2. No going fast.
3. No dodging through traffic.
4. ALWAYS use your blinker.
5. No going fast.
6. NO KIDS ON THE BIKE.
7. Please be very careful.
8. Please rethink this.
9. Don’t buy the bike.
10. PLEASE DON’T DO THIS!

When he pulled up in front of the house and I saw the bike, It took my breath away. I am not a big motorcycle fan. They don’t do a damn thing for me. When I was 18 it was cool. At 35 and 5 kids later…I would rather keep myself in a car within a bubble of reinforced titanium that no one can penetrate at any rate of speed.
This bike though, beautiful.

I have to admit when he mentioned wanting a motorcycle again, I could only see how stupid he would look on one. He didn’t look stupid at all. He looked very comfortable and, dear God, he looked HAPPY.
That’s really all that matters (right now) is that he is happy. It won’t matter later when I get a call from the emergency room asking if I could go pick up his ankles and elbows off the freeway.

The type of bike is called a ‘Mean Streak’ and it’s Red. Any name suggestions?

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05
Sep
Pen Pal…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: alyx, My Brats, shea
Recently Alyx hooked herself up with a nifty, little pen pal and has been over the top with writing and buying stuff for her letters.

Shea is butthurt that she doesn’t have a pen pal.

Anyone have a little girl that wants to send letters and girlie stuff back and forth?

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03
Sep
I labored. I cleaned my room.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: My Brats, Shaun


Everybody have a good weekend?

This was our first self imposed ‘Family Weekend’.
Shaun and I decided to make the kids stay home with us and hang out. Everything we did was as a family.
By Friday night we were convinced that we had made a huge mistake. By the end of Sunday, we realized that we should do that more often.

On Sunday we went rafting in Tahoe. We were all convinced that Shea was going to freak out at the parts where it got a little bit rough. When we went to Disneyland she cried, “Is this ride too fast?” while in line to get a corn dog. She also gets a bit skittish when I back out of the driveway too quickly.

Spending the whole weekend with the kids was fun. By Monday they were planning escape routes.

This weekend I also decided to start a new project. When it’s up and running I will all give you the address. Right now, it’s just still in it’s infancy.
Being in the community that I live in, it makes it hard for me to be ‘social’ with the people that live here. I get along better with the kids than I do the parents. This new project allows me to help out some of the kids in the community and to meet their parents and talk to them about what we do. Photography.
I’m excited about it, but right now it’s still just the start…when It gets up and running I might get a bit shy again.

All day I have been uploading WordPress. Deleting WordPress. HOURS AND HOURS of it. My throat hurts from screaming at my laptop.
After 30 back and forths with that damn program, I decided to just forget about it and do it differently.
I hate giving up on something I really want, but chunks of hair are missing.

Chunks.

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31
Aug
Happy Birthday, Random and Odd
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
*sniffle*

The end of this months marks 3 years that Random and Odd has been around.  So that’s like 6 in blog-years…right?

I have a handful of readers that I have had from nearly the beginning.  Pissy, KimmyK and Shelli.

There was a time when I wrote on a ‘list’ (like a forum…but different) and some of those people (My So-Called Life) have followed me here from that mailing list and from justkeeton dot com. *Hi Laura and the others*
This year marks 10 years that I have been writing on the internet in one form or another.

This has been a wonderful outlet and I hope to be around for a long time…blogging my kids through High School and College.

When did you jump on the Random and Odd Train?  Do you remember?

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31
Aug
I don’t want them to ever grow up!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: alyx, My Favorite Posts, shea
Still being in my ‘funky disco’ groove from the concert, I was blaring “She’s A Bad Mama Jama“ on the way over to drop the girls off at Dan’s for Karate. Shea and Alyx both know the song and they are grooving right along with me, singing just as loud as I am.

I’m reminded of the laugh that my sister got when I confessed to her that I never really knew what the singer was saying in this certain part of the song.
SIDENOTE: To fully be able to appreciate this part of the story you will have to know this song. If you’ve never heard this song, the humor will be lost on you…so just go read another blog or download the song.

Actual Lyrics:
Her body measurements are perfect in every dimension
She’s got a figure that’s sho’ ‘nuff gettin’ attention
She’s poetry in motion, a beautiful sight to see
I get so excited viewin’ her anatomy

My messed up lyric:
I get so excited with you, her, Adam and me.

So I decided because *I* had messed up the lyrics so bad for so long, I can only imagine how bad the kids are destroying them. I have them listen to that part of the song and then turned off the cd player. “What do you think he said right there, the part right after ‘beautiful sight to see’?”
Alyx looks at me all weird and makes me giggle with what she thought.
Shea pipes up from the back seat and it was pretty funny.
I share what I thought the lyrics were saying and of course, it was WAY worse than what they came up with so they get a bigger laugh at my expense.

After I turn the song back on, Shea asks, “What’s he saying RIGHT THERE?”
I say, ” She’s a bad mama jama”
Shea then lets out a big sigh and says, “Oh, Alyx was right.”
Knowing this is going to be good, I turn down the stereo just loud enough for her to sing what she thought the guy was saying.

As it came back around she sang, loudly, in key, “She’s got Batman Pajamas!”

I know I joke about peeing myself…but this time, full bladder loss. I really wish they could stay this age forever.

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29
Aug
Do a little dance, make a little love…get down tonight!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: friends


My Beautiful Friend, Lisa, SCORED US SOME SMOKIN’ HOT TICKETS!!!

I grabbed Jeremiah today for an hour or two and when I brought him back over to her house she had a pair of tickets to a concert sitting on her catch-all.
I kinda, sorta pulled them out from under her purse and FUH-REAKED when I saw who she had gotten tickets to see.

“OH. MY. GOD! You have tickets to see KC and The Sunshine Band?!”

I’m not certain if she thought my enthusiasm for the tickets was genuine or mocking until I burst out with song and dance to “SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE. SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE. SHAKE YOUR BOOTY, SHAKE YOUR BOOTY!”

She asked me if I wanted to go with her. OH DO I?! I ran out to the car where Rob was waiting for me to take him to airport and I was breathless with excitement.
“Rob, GUESS WHO I GET TO GO SEE TONIGHT!! TONIGHT!! IN CONCERT!!??”
He shrugged. Not really caring…unless I said The Raiderettes..NUDE.
“KC AND THE SUNSHINE BAND!” and then I proceeded to burst into song again.
“Freak.”
“You don’t like them? HOW COULD YOU NOT?”

I then told ‘Cita that I was going and she looked at me like I had grown a second head.

“KC. you know…KC AND THE SUNSHINE BAND?”
“Yeah, I know…what I’m trying to figure out is why you’re so excited.”

Beautiful Friend, Lisa calls to tell me….wait for it…THAT WE GET TO MEET HIM BEFORE THE SHOW!

I rushed home and got ready. It was a 107 outside and my ass was sweaty in the plastic chairs as we watched the show…except for the part when I SHOOK SHOOK, SHOOK SHOOK, SHOOK MY BOOTY!

It was a blast. I don’t care how old he is. It was fantastic!

Go ahead, mock me…I know you’re jealous.

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28
Aug
…and back at the house of Random and Odd
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: friends
Not a lot of great things happened to me in 5th grade. I had a teacher who was on the mean side and all my friends were in another class with the dorky teacher who had no idea how to teach and just scratched himself the whole time.

5th grade was the point where I realized that you’re either “IN” or you’re “Not”. I wasn’t ready for the fact that the world was that complicated. I think be separated from my friends allowed for all of it to come into focus. Everyone sort of fell into certain cliques and I never felt like I fit in.
In 5th grade when all the other girls were going to the mall and drooling over boys, I was at a BMX track racing AGAINST them.
When other girls were asking for lipstick and make up…I was asking for new handlebars or a lighter set of rims.

At every school since the beginning of time there is always THAT guy or THAT girl. Robert Mathis was THAT guy. He was the Zac Efron of now.
Somewhere in the middle of 5th grade I realized that Robert was seeing if he could date every girl in 5th grade. If he timed it right, each girl would get ONE week. Some girls got longer than a week, but when you’re the most popular girl in the school…you were obligated to at least a month right?
I wasn’t sure if I was going to get MY week to be his girlfriend because to him, I was just another one of the boys he raced with.

As the week that should be mine came up, I could tell he was fixin’ to ask me to ‘go with him’. I wasn’t sure if I was going to say yes, because I had been the shoulder that all my girlfriends that he had broken up with had cried on.
When it came down to it, I couldn’t resist the smile and cuteness of it all. I caved. That was a good Monday. Guess what? Friday sucked.

Now, before we stone the boy…he had a good excuse.
My brother, Barry married his sister, Judy.

AWKWARD.

Through the years I’ve hated him, wanted to kill him, loved him, missed him, tolerated him…and now…I am HOUSING him. Well, only for three days. He flew in from Oregon where he lives for his son’s birthday. I picked him up from the airport and we caught up. Today he’s out driving my minivan. Tomorrow we spend our last few hours and I kick his ass to the curb (at the airport).

Yesterday after driving 3 times more than we should have (half his fault, half my fault) he took a nap on the couch. When he woke up, Kara mentioned something about ice cream and Robert jumped on that train and they went to the store to pick some up.
On the way home, Kara mentioned that she was a good driver.
Fun Uncle Robert, let Kara the master manipulator, drive. A car. MY car. ON THE HIGHWAY.

I’m teetering between loving Robert and wanting to kick his ass.

Who knows, tomorrow I might make him walk his ass to the airport…but I just know the smile and cuteness will make me cave.

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27
Aug
My horror-scope
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety
Monday, August 27, 2007
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
You may not be able to express your feelings easily now, although you are neither unclear about your position, nor are you lacking the words. You have a responsibility to a group of people, family or work associates, and you believe that you must withhold your personal point of view for the good of all involved. Actually, this is a positive step for you and you will be appreciated for your efforts.

***

Holy hell. Boy, this one nailed it.

I have some things I want to just go off about, but I am keeping my mouth shut for the sanity of everyone in my family.

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25
Aug
First High School Dance
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: kara, marina

Getting along before the dance, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.

Marina and Kara get along SO great before dances.

By the end of the dance they are bickering and fighting.

*sigh*

And Kara had a crappy time at the dance because of a boy flirting with her ALL the time BEFORE the dance, and then it comes around and he stands there and watches her dance.
Most would say, “Oh he liked her and was too afraid to ask her to dance.”

Nope, this guy is a jerk.

Go on, tell her about your horrible dance experiences. She doesn’t believe me when I tell her how horrible mine were.

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24
Aug
Cosmic Conscious
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: friends

My Old Friend, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.

Last week I made a phone call to the parents of my best friend from High School.
I caught up on the stuff I have missed in the last 5 years or so since I had talked to them. At the end of the conversation I got my old best friend’s phone number and gave her a call. She just had a baby so she was sleeping, but her daughter promised that she would call me back when she woke up.

She didn’t call me. (Heavy sleeper?)

A couple days later I was talking about my new crush to ‘Cita. I told her I couldn’t figure out why I was crushing on this guy, he’s not my type, but there is something about his smile that makes me smile. Oh, I guess I should clue you in on my ‘crush’. Anyone watch “Dog The Bounty Hunter”? It’s his son, Leland.
As I was trying to describe his smile, it dawned on me that he had the same smile as an old friend of mine from a million years ago.
I’ve known ‘Cita for 12 years and she had never heard THIS story about this guy.

I went on to explain to her that he was this guy that was a cousin of a friend of mine. He moved to Shingletown when I was 15, almost 16 and him and I started a friendship. He was 17 at the time and from Southern California. I told her about how he liked me, but I was so sprung on my boyfriend that I couldn’t see straight. I told her about the night he tried to convince me that I was wasting my time with ‘that loser’ and I needed to get together with him and be his girlfriend. Being young and stupid I pretended like I didn’t hear it and went on just being friends.
He moved and I went on with my life.

I saw him once after he moved back to Southern California and it was for about 5 minutes.

When I got home from being out with ‘Cita I googled his name and it came up with nothing. Of course it didn’t. I have that sort of luck when I am trying to google someone.

The next day my friend finally called me. She told me I had to call our old friend because her cousin was in town.
I freaked. “NO WAY! I SWEAR TO GOD, I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT HIM!” I called our friend and talked to Terry. We picked Thursday night to get together and catch up.

Dude has not changed AT ALL! He has gray hair now and that’s it. He’s still the laughing and smiling Terry I remember.
We met at The Tree and then I took him home to meet the family.
Kara was mostly interested in the stories he could tell about her mother. Luckily he had to leave to go to a family dinner.
‘Cita came over because she has a car with JPS and I get lost in a paper bag.

She knew him all of 5 minutes before we are heading out to the car to leave and he yells, “SHOTGUN!”

He may be an old friend, but not too old to yell Shotgun.

It was a good visit and I hope we don’t lose contact.

Of course, he may never talk to me again after I told him he looks like David Hasselhoff.

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23
Aug
arrrrgggg….
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety, friends, Shaun


Twenty Four hours after taking the ‘Mack Daddy’ of all sleeping pills. I have finally recovered from the side effects.

The first hour or so was a blast. I felt like I was walkin’ on sunshine. Not a problem…until hour two. I began getting violently ill and unable to eat. I would drink a sip of water, throw it up. I would THINK about drinking water to kill the cotton mouth and I would throw up.

I finally passed out from a headache around 4 am. God Bless my wonderful husband who drove the kids to school.

With so much to do today I managed to work my way into the kitchen, dizzy and fumbling around, I made coffee. I fell asleep waiting for it to brew and woke up 30 minutes later and poured the coffee down my throat. Before the empty coffee cup hit the night stand, I was passed out again.
The doorbell rang. I had to have the windshield replaced and I can honestly remember exactly 3 minutes of my conversation with him. I wrote him a check out of the wrong account and I am praying he didn’t cash it. Then the DHL lady showed up to deliver a package. She asked my last name and I said, “Stone” (not remembering what name is on last name of half of my accounts.”
She got irritated that she had done all the paper work to give me my package and the names didn’t match.
“This package says, Kristine Bland.”
“It’s BAY-LAND, and it my married name. I haven’t changed it.”
“But it says, B-LAND”
” B.A.L.A.N.D. Can I please have my package I am about to seriously pass out.”
She reluctantly handed me the package and I shut the door in her face. As I was turning around to go back to bed, I almost passed out.

I called Shaun and he came home to make sure I didn’t have to pick up the kids. I slept all day, had conversations I don’t remember.
I felt like I was drugged. I have NEVER felt so F***ed up…well, except that one night I drank 7 Kamikazes.

‘Cita and Shaun looked it up online. I guess this prescription was one of the kinds that Anna Nicole Smith was on.

I’m done taking that pill. I would rather be up all night than sleep for nearly 24 hours the NEXT day.

Now it’s One AM the next night and I am trying everything to forget how many hours I slept today and trying to convince myself to go to sleep.

This gets better right?

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21
Aug
Wha’sup Doc?
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety


Guess what? NO. MORE. DR. LOUSY!

Now, I have a doctor that listened and even though he never had a ‘Panic Attack’, he admitted it and expressed that he couldn’t FULLY understand what I and many of his patients have, but he was sympathetic and has done a lot of research.

He checked out my medication list and offered up a sleeping pill that is sposta be the Mack Daddy of all sleeping pills. I took it a good 10 minutes ago and Wooowza-Wooowza-Wooza, do I feel it kickin’ in. Everything is sorta fuzzy and my toes feel all tingly.
I sorta have the munchies too. Pot in Pill form. ‘Bout damn time.

We talked for an hour and he did agree with Dr. Lousy, that I am extreme case. I swear, once you tell a doctor that you feel like there is a good chance that someone, at any point, can burst through their door with a gun and they do not have an exit and the windows are sealed shut…they put you in a certain category of ‘panic’. I always wonder if they think about that stuff after I leave. I mean, haven’t they looked at the room they are in for HOURS AND HOURS. One and a half windows and ONE door. There is no where to hide or get out if someone burst in there.

Dude. I need some Cap’n Crunch and some Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I think I have cotton mouth!

I for some strange reason feel the need to listen to really bad 80′s rap music (Tone Loc -Cheeba Cheeba) and go be chillin’ like a villain.

Yeah, these sleeping pills work goooooooooooooooooooood.

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21
Aug
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: My Brats


2004


2005


2006

And then This Year:



2007

Kara and Marina: Freshman in High School
Tyler: Senior in High School (wearing the same the shirt on the first day of his junior year)
Alyx: 5th Grade
Shea: 4th Grade

Damnnnnn…Where did the years go?

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19
Aug
Sleep Update
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety
Sleeping so far has been a joke. I am awake at 5 am watching “High School Musical 2″ and not sleeping. I’m sleeping until 4 or 5 in the afternoon. It’s frustrating.

The other morning/afternoon, Shaun was trying to wake me up to tell me we had to go to the bank. I had been up way too late and the odds of getting me to wake up were slim to none.
The day before I had spent a good couple hours at Metro PCS store trying to get my Cingular accounts switched over because what was sposta be a $150 dollar bill for our family plan had turned into a $500.00 bill because we kept going over our minutes.
I guess that had rolled over into my dream because as he tried to wake me up I kept repeating, “I clicked YES, Shaun!”

“Kristine, wake up honey. We have to get to the bank before it closes.”
“No, I clicked YES.”
“The bank closes at 1pm, you have to wake up.”
“SHAUN! I clicked YES to 200 free minutes and I am going to TAKE THEM. So quit trying to wake me up. I have two hundred free minutes!”
“Honey…”
“Shaun, you’re REALLY starting to piss me off!”

I only remember the part of the dream where the box popped up and offered me 200 free minutes and I did click YES to it. The conversation with my husband, that I do not remember, but the clicking of the box was.

Finding humor in my lack of sleep is really the only thing I can grasp onto. The dreams I am having are even crazier than the ones I had before the weening process.
I had a dream that I stole the room key to this woman’s hotel room and the whole room had chocolate bars. I can still taste the chocolatly goodness of each candy bar I ate.

School starts in 2 days. This means, if I don’t get a grasp on the sleeping thing I will actually be UP at 6 am when they have to get up, which is a good thing…but I will sleep through the point where I have to pick them up.
*shrug*
Whatever…they can walk.

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18
Aug
Comment’s welcome…of course.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: My Brats, Random
And the video is up.

CLICK HERE

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17
Aug
His Mac makes movies. Who knew?
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety, friends, My Brats
On occasion, ‘Cita and I will have a mini-melt down and need to get the hell out of the house away from the children. Only on occasions though. This doesn’t happen like 2 times a week. I swear. No really.

Usually we just lock the kids in the closet and toss in a package of carrots and hope they can divide them up equally based on the amount of time we will be gone.
Tonight the kids were brought to my house and Shaun was left to beat them to a bloody pulp if need be.

We mozied on in around midnight to hear, “Come on Over” blaring on Kara’s IPOD and giggling galore.

I’ve often talked of my love for ‘Cita’s son, Kyle. He’s brilliant and will someday revolutionize the internet as we know it. He’s also going to fix that pesky ‘gas prices’ thing we have going on. Until then…he runs a radio station and as of tonight…is a film maker. Yes, it sounds bad, but it was actually rather innocent.

He’s working on a video he made, which I have a bit part in. He’s sworn to have it finished tomorrow and up gracing YouTube.

I swear, we leave for 3 hours and come home to a mini music video.

I love my house.

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15
Aug
Gettin’ There…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety


“I don’t know how to get it back to good.”
Matchbox Twenty

Someone said, “UPDATE” and it’s not until I get an email do I actually remember that I haven’t updated in a few days.

I went to see the doctor and we are a ‘weening’ me off the Celexa.
The sleeping pattern is so off it’s crazy. For the last few nights, I have been passing out in the wee hours of the morning. It doesn’t matter what time I go to bed, I am awake when the sun is rising.

My lists are being taken care of though. That should make for an easier nights sleep, but so far, no luck.

The kids go back to school next week so I am feeling pressure to really get back on a normal sleep schedule (as if my body knows what that means)

Thanks for keeping watch.

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13
Aug
Monday 2:26 am.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety, Random


The last few days have been “strange”.  Thanks to many of you, I had a ‘heads up’ on what the withdrawal symptoms would be like.
So far, mine haven’t been so bad.  I feel a little bit sick to my stomach lately. I’m FINALLY able to feel ‘hunger’ again (on Celexa I had a very low appetite, and NO weight loss to show for it)
My heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest or stopping all together. I keep getting these strange twitches in the back of my legs. I also have blank moments where I feel like I have been knocked out for a few seconds.

The headaches are a bitch. I feels like my head weighs a ton and like a water truck bouncing around on a bumpy road.
I woke up in the middle of the ‘morning’ and I had to physically LIFT my head off the pillow to move it on the pillow.
‘Morning’ is a just a term I’m throwing out there because I don’t know the difference between night and day, except for the fact that normal TV is replaced by informercials.
In the past few days I have been finally passing out at between 4 and 6 am.  It’s strange to lay in bed for SIX hours and wonder if at any point if my body is going to finally be able to fall asleep.
Last night was the worst night so far.

Somewhere between 5 and 6 am, I decided the only way for me to be able to sleep is to get a list going.
This list would need a lot of space and lots of check boxes.  I would need to be able to organize my whole day, be able to erase and start over the next day, and so on and so forth (i’ve been waiting 3 years to use that in a sentence in my blog) and so on and so forth.  (I sound so mature huh?) so forth.
Anyway, the list got too big.
I decided I needed to make a list of the lists I had.
Then nearing 6 am I figured out that the list of list would TOTALLY need a diagram to be able to put together.

Now, normally right before I go to bed I begin the whole, “I should get up and go for a walk in the morning — I should go to the gym tomorrow — I should…”
and I’ve gone so far as actually ‘working out’ in my head.  By the morning I have forgotten all about the things I had told myself the night before.
Because I fell asleep at 6 am with a diagram of a list of lists and got up a few hours later, It was still pretty fresh in my head.  Poor Shaun was drug out today to get me all the things to build my list of lists.  I drew out the diagram and went to town on it.

The girls are excited about the list of lists.  They are on board with getting Mom back to good.  They picked out a color magnet and they are going to do this with me.

I’ll take a picture when the whole bedroom/office is pulled together.  I was trying so very hard to make my room a place of peace, but I realize…in order for me to be peaceful, I need to be on the ball.  I’m working on making it both.

Now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to go throw up and take a Excedrin to kill this headache.

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10
Aug
And now we have Darnelle…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: kara, photography


Internet, meet Darnelle. This is Kara’s new baby. Before you go freaking out that we bought her a big ol’ expensive Nikon, just listen to how this all came about.

Since long before 6th grade, Kara has had this thing I like to call, ‘Her Mother’s Inability To Retain Anything That Has To With Numbers Being Multiplied.’ (perhaps this has something to do with how many children I have…that or 9 months of not having a period outweighed the horrible sickness I had taking birth control pills)
When it comes to retaining any information outside of the lyrics to every song written, every single line in a movie she loves or a promise I made while half asleep, she locks up.

In 6th grade I got a phone call from the school saying Kara had a ‘melt down’ and that I needed to come to the school ASAP.
When I got there her teacher and this strange looking man brought me into a room and told me Kara had freaked out in class and walked out. This is very much unlike my daughter, normally if she has a problem…she seeps into the woodwork and is unable to be found until the bell rings and she bolts for the door. Her teacher, the sweetest human to walk the earth, said that Kara had tearfully (ok, she was sobbing) confided in her that she has ‘math issues’. I already knew about these issues, and after years of frustration had just hoped that it would someday just fix itself. It didn’t and the boiling point had been reached.
They suggested putting her in a ‘special’ class for kids that had difficulty with certain subjects.
As it was, Kara was teased horribly for her ‘tooth issue’ and I didn’t want to add to the humiliation of her being pulled out of class too.
Kara then said she wanted to go and needed the help.

It took a half of a school year for Kara to finally understand what everyone else was doing in minutes. The dorky looking man had broken through to Kara and taught her more in 4 months, than all her teachers to that point combined did for her. She got a B in math and the angels in heaven threw a huge party.

Going into 7th grade would be a challenge for her. Still no front tooth and all of her girlfriends had boobs. She was worried about getting a math teacher that wouldn’t be able to explain like her dorky teacher had been teaching her. What if this new teacher was mean?
After talking to the school district, they enrolled her in a similar program and all-be-damned if she didn’t pass math. She was still being teased about having to go to the ‘special’ class, but her confidence had grown so much that it didn’t bother her.

8th grade was similar, but she moved from just passing math to getting A’s in math. This is something UNHEARD of in my family. I certainly never saw an A in math, but it was easy to make the I (incomplete) look like an A on a report card. This ‘special’ class was really helping.
I meet with the school district again and they agreed that the program was working for her and they would like to continue it through high school. There was a catch. She would only get ONE elective, when the other kids would have 2 or sometimes 3. We talked about it and she agreed that she would be willing to give it up to remain in the program. The second catch was since the elective programs filled up fast, she would have to pick her elective for her whole 4 years of high school right then, but would be secured a spot in all her classes.

She went through the papers and through them again. She had wanted to take her drama/acting classes. She was torn between following the 4 year path of something she had a desire for and also for something she had been craving for; Photography.

As you can see, she took photography. I called my dad and told him about her decision and he seemed…well, he could care less. Then I brought up the fact that she would need a camera. The school provides cameras, but they are REALLY bad cameras and for her to take this seriously, she was going to need to motivate her.
Months went by and I tried every tactic in the book for my father to shell out the cash for her camera. Each time it was an empty promise of ‘looking into it’

While we were in Redding last weekend my mother, The Fonz…well…let’s just say she used this tone in her voice and the eyebrow raise to her ex-husband that he understood that she meant business. She…how do I say this? She strongly reminded him that even though they were no longer married that he was going to bend to her Will or pay the price dearly. He called that night to ask me questions about cameras. I told him that Kara had her heart set on a Nikon D50. It wasn’t the D70, but it would be easier for her to manage and understand.
The next day he put the bid in on Ebay and bought her the camera for half the price of what you would get at the stores. He was excited that he got the camera at ‘a steal’.

Kara got her camera in the mail today. She pulled the camera out of the box and was nearly in tears. It didn’t come with the strap and I insisted that if she was going to use it, the strap would have to be on it.

We now have a new Nikon in the family. Since our cameras are named after the characters on “My Name Is Earl” She needed to name her camera to follow suit.

My Nikon is Randy (the little brother to Earl) Shaun’s Nikon is Earl (because he has the older camera) and instead of ‘Joy’ she decided she wanted to name her camera ‘Darnell’ (also known as Crab Man) because Earl and Randy like him and he’s really nice and funny.

She has also decided that we need to redesign our business page with a picture of all of us with our cameras, walking through a smoke filled alleyway like they do on the TV shows when the good guys come in to rescue someone.

It’s probably a good thing she has a camera…at least it will get her away from the TV.

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09
Aug
Yeesh.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety, kara
I had a super long, never ending conversation with my daughter tonight. I informed her that I was quitting my medication on Sunday. She freaked out on me.
“Mom, you can’t just quit ‘cold turkey’!! You’ll get really sick!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”
“Mom, Please call your doctor and find out if it’s safe for you to quit like that. I know it’s not.”
“OK..MOM!”
“Mom, I’m not kidding. It’s not healthy to quit like that. It’s bad for you. You need to come off it slowly.”
“Kara, seriously. I will be fine.”
“CALL YOUR DOCTOR FIRST!”

While in the middle of a debate with my FOURTEEN year old daughter about if I can quit my medication, I decided to show her a little something about being older and wiser. I decided to throw a little internet knowledge IN HER FACE. I googled cold turkey celexa. Guess what? The little shit is right.

“Whoa…I could have seizures!”
“I told you Mom, you have to go slowly. Call your doctor first.”

I got my ass handed to me by a KID.

Guess what I will be doing on Monday? Yep, going to the doctor to SAFELY remove the drug from my system. I’m sort of afraid because from what I was reading…you don’t realize how much it works until you go off of it and you become a raging bitch.
I mean, I could TOTALLY handle being a raging bitch. I haven’t seen that side of me since the early 90′s. It’s only been less than a year that I have been on the medication so maybe I will be able to come back as less of a bitch? maybe? Who knows. I just feel sorry for those around me. They are going to get THEIR asses handed to them when they don’t walk the line.

I actually have a list of things I am going to make sure get done when I kick the anxiety bullshit;

1. THIS IS NUMBER ONE…UNO…MOST IMPORTANT — Get my damn lawn sprinklers working in the front yard and then tear it out and put in sod. If I have to figure out how to do it all by my damn self, I will do it. That fire in my belly is going to get me a new lawn!

2. Repaint my laundry room — I mean really, Dan…ORANGE? Why would you paint the laundry room the color of the burning sun?

3. Replace my windshield — Actually that really should be number one because after I get off the anxiety medication the fear of the windshield shattering in on me while I am driving isn’t going to sit well.

4. Finish the hall bathroom. Touch up, just doesn’t cover it.

5. Steam clean the living room…TWICE.

6. Get the back patio cover to not lean 4 feet to the right. Again…Dan…really. Reinforcements would have been nice.

7. Locate my waistline.

8. Ohana is back.

9. Out with the toxic people, In with the good.

10. Figure out what the big rage is about Zack Effron.

Now, you are asking yourself…why doesn’t she just do that stuff now, while ON the medication? Good question, and thanks for asking, caller. See right now, I DON’T REALLY GIVE A SHIT. I don’t really care enough to pester people about fixing the lawn or the bathroom. I don’t care that the living room smells like a dog kennel or that at any point, a brisk wind can and will knock over my whole patio cover. JUST DON’T CARE. One of the joys of medications is that when things that would normally happen that would cause you to stand up and say, “NO MORE” you just wave it off as if it were a pesky fly trying to land on your burger.
“Don’t bother me, I’m busing not stressing out.”

That there is my list. I’ve got a million lists going on right now actually. Mostly in my head, which makes for an awkward moment when I need to cross something off.
I’m writing more stuff down to get them in order.
AND that reminds me. Principle and Interest…that is some fucked up stuff right there. Go look at your bills. GO, I’ll wait. Look at the amount that is paid toward the PRINCIPLE. ZILTCH. What in tar-nations is that about? Someone needs to do something about that. It ain’t going to be me though, because really…I do not have the man power.

What’s on your list? (ha ha, I felt like that commercial, ‘what’s in YOUR wallet) forgive me, I’m 48 hours xanax free and feeling a bit loopy.

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07
Aug
Not Just Better, the Best…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety, Dashababy, journey


It’s funny how something small can realign your life back into place. A phrase, a word, a laugh. Sometimes it takes something beautiful like the birth of a child or something horrible like the loss of life to either drag people into a hole or, in my case, OUT of a hole.

My sister always said that everyone needs a little fire in the belly to get back to good. She’s right. She’s ALWAYS right, but Mom still loves me more.

The fire in my belly is a combination of happy, sad, regret, realization, and validation of self.

My mother always says, “You’re so much stronger than you know.” She’s right. She hasn’t seen that Kristine in awhile, but she will.

I’ve decided that on Sunday I am going to discontinue my medications. I know, I know…cold turkey is not good. But, my last name has changed a few times over the years, but I’m a Seguin and with that title comes the ‘cold turkey’ gene. Of course, it took a car into a tree and his mouth being wired shut to get my father to stop drinking…but officially, it was cold turkey…and probably some morphine.
The part that I am afraid of with the quiting of medication is the fact that I won’t have this “it’s ‘ight” attitude I have had. Being on medication for anxiety or depression (remember: I’m on it for anxiety) is that you get this, “Oh…really? That sucks.” sort of outlook to life and the things going on around you.
That has worked for me this last year. I needed to just nod my head and say, “whatever” and let stuff just roll of my back like a water does a duck. Quack. Quack.

Not’ney more.

When Bob died, I realized that the emotion inside of me was so suppressed. Then something tragic happened and it came out in full force. I sobbed. It felt so good to finally let out the tears.
When something good came from something tragic, I grasped it. I renewed a friendship with someone that I was told said something not so flattering about me 14 years ago. At the time when I heard it I thought, “He’s dead to me” and I never talked to him again. It took the death of a friend to reunite me with a friend who was there for me for a long time. We let too much come between us and our friendship. Now we are 14 years older and our lives have taken roads we would have never guessed when we were younger.
His wife, hands down, is one of the coolest women out there. She’s a no-shit type of person. When I went up to Redding I made a special trip to visit Matthew and Leslie and seeing her fire made me miss mine.
We talk on the phone once a week and Matt and I talk shit to each other through IM.

My sister, she has always been my beacon in life. When I get lost she’s there to show me the way and dust me off. I do what she says and she’s always right.

I’m taking my life back. The first part of that is being accountable for the actions in my life. The second part is holding the people in my life accountable for their actions.
I’ve talked to my mom, she’s on board.
I’ve talked to my husband, he’s on board.
My sister is the definition of ‘ON BOARD’.
My kids, they’ll learn and that is the best thing I can give them. A mother who has always been ‘real’ and someone who follows through. Now they get to learn a new trick…it’s called “taking no more shit”

Accountable. I’m accountable for the good things that happened in my life, the bad things that happened in my life and I’m accountable for every breath I take from now on.

Not just better…THE BEST.

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05
Aug
Things that make you Hmmmm…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
I have 400 things to catch you all up on and right now I can only sit here blankly at the screen thinking, “Damn, this burn itches!”

And don’t even get me started on the peeling. Oh Lord the tempt, to peel it off is overwhelming.  I know I am sick in the head, but there is just something about sunburn peels that make me giddy!

The girls are happy now that the burning has stopped. They look all white compared to my chest, but what am I going to do? Scare and gross out the neighbors by tanning topless in the back yard?

Hmmmm. I might need to add that to the list of stuff to do tomorrow.  Any other suggestions?

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04
Aug
An End To An Era
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: stuff portrait friday


As you can see in the past few months, I’ve slacked on being the funny, witty and endearing blogger you have come to love.

Not to go into great detail about all the black clouds that have been looming in the Baland/Stone household…but it has become very difficult to keep up with certain things and other things are getting left in the dust. Things that are important to me: getting healthy again, claiming the life I want, being accountable for the choices that I have made and will continue to make.

So…I am giving up on Stuff Portrait Friday. I know, many of you have found me through this weekly game. I have, many times, thought of handing it over to someone that would take it and run with it. Shaun said, “That is YOUR thing. You can’t get rid of it! Many of your readers just come to see what Friday has to offer.”
I stuck it out for many months and I’m actually writing this while he sleeps because I know if I talked to him about it, he will talk me out of it.

I adore you all and have been so grateful for you to invite all of us into your homes to share your ‘stuff’. I feel bad that by the time Friday comes around, I am emotionally and physically drained. I don’t have time to go check out everyone’s pictures and read what they are up to. I feel horrible about it too.

My main focus right now is getting better. I actually feel a lot better than I have in the past. Just saying the words, “I am accountable for the actions and results in my life.” has helped me a lot. The sleeping problem is another thing I battle with (Clearly as I am up at nearly 4 am)

The next step is getting back into the work force. It’s been to long since I have been out there and I can’t wait to get back.

Our photography business is going nuts. We are already booking into next year and I want to focus on getting better at the marketing and business side of all of it.

I’m excited about the things I am creating in my life.

SPF is RIP.

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend. For those of you willing to stick it out with me outside of Friday…prepare for the smart, witty and not so stressed out Random and Odd.

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03
Aug
Happy Birthday, Shaun
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Letters, Shaun
It seems for the last few years I have always forgotten your birthday. In fact, most of the time I have to have Charlotte remind me.

Not this year though.

The day before your birthday was spent holding your brand new grand-daughter, Taylor Marie. The night before your birthday was spent hanging out with your son that will soon be leaving for Iraq. Then we rolled into your birthday at the track betting on horses. Could a birthday eve and birthday and birthday get any better?

I don’t know. We’ll find out after I log off *wiggling eyebrows* —Oh wait, you just let out a huge yawn. Maaaaay-be not.

I love you sweetheart.

Through the good times and through the bad. We’ve had them both.

It seems like we are always treading water, but we will get through whatever is thrown our way.

Happy Birthday, Old Fart.

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30
Jul
Where are all the pictures, Kristine?
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Dashababy, Random, The Fonz
I’ve gotten a half a dozen emails asking me where are the pictures from my visit in Redding.

I’m still here.

Plans on leaving to go home were spoiled by the fact that I can barely walk. My legs from the bikini line to my knees are radioactive. About 2 inches from the girls up to my colar bone looks like someone threw battery acid on me. I was wearing a top that went up around my neck so I have this wonderful V on my chest. My mom keeps looking at it and saying, “It looks like your chest is flashing me the peace sign.”

At around 6pm I was nearing the point of throwing up from the pain so my sister and mom bullied me into using cold water and vinegar to take the sting out.
I insisted that it wasn’t needed and I wasn’t feeling like smelling like a easter egg. My sister, being the boss of me, said she would rip off my pants if I didn’t do it myself.
Earlier in the day I had pulled down my pants to go pee and took off a few layers of my skin and the scream that followed caused the pain in the bathroom to peel. I figured I might as wel do it myself or feel the wrath of a sister with a mission.

When I was giving birth all three times, my mom and sister were there as my assistant coaches. They have seens parts of my body that I haven’t seen, but there is something about laying in recliner butt naked getting wet, vinegar soaked wash clothes being put on my burned body that made me say, “This is way more of me that I ever planned on sharing with ya’all.”

I do feel a lot better though. I smell like a salad, but the sting isn’t so bad.

I’m still in Redding and plan on going home tomorrow. Please pray the pain subsides long enough for the 3 hour drive home.

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29
Jul
SPF. No, not the game, the actual sunblock.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Just some words of advice from someone who is is covered from head to toe in a sunburn sent from his Satan himself.

Aveno SPF 45 spray on sunblock; DOES NOT WORK.

Just so you know.

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29
Jul
I’m giggling so hard, I’m about to pee myself!
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Dashababy, friends, The Fonz
I went over to an old friend’s house tonight while up in Redding recouping from Life. I promised I would only stay a few hours and come home.
A few turned into about 5 and I got in WAY past my curfew.
Mom and Kathy had already gone to bed and I’m KNOWING I’m going to get my ass chewed out tomorrow for “coming up here to visit and going over to a friends house and not hanging out with them”. TO WHICH, I have a good come back. The last time I was up here and I was sposta meet a friend and didn’t HE DIED.

Where was I? Oh yeah, my ass being in trouble.

So I get the girls into bed (which mom or Kathy made up for them) and I come into mom’s room. When I stay with my mom and sister, I sleep with my mom. YES, I still sleep with my mommy.

I stumble around the bedroom tripping over dogs, chairs and blankets. Mom is OUT.

While trying to eat a cheese stick I’m STARTLED by a sound. It’s the sound of my mother, SNORING. I sat down on the chair in her room and I’m listening to my mother sleep. I swear from the bottom my heart, there is nothing more precious an a baby giggling…or my mother sleeping. She snores. LOUDLY. Like all he air in the room is being sucked into her lungs and forced back into the room with great force. She is serious about her snoring…until she hears something, then the snoring goes to this sound like she’s getting her teeth worked on. The saliva in her mouth being sucked out with a hose.
Each time she changes her snore, it makes me giggle.

I can sit here and log the description of her breathing for hours, it’s actually adorable.

Like right there, it was a half snore half dentist suck.

Ohhh, now that one was her nose being sucked into her face.

Little cute growl snore.

A cute sigh, stretch combo.

And then the train snore.

I guess the best part of it is that she’s breathing. M mom is peacefully sleeping in her bed. When I get up in the morning she’s going to smile at me and tell me I’m beautiful and she loves me.

I really have no idea how she will have the energy to talk though, all that breathing she is doing right now…with the air and the nose…that’s got to be some hard work.

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26
Jul
Thomas is out of the closet…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: stuff portrait friday


SPF: A Rainbow.

Shaun made this when I went out of town. He gets bored when I leave town to see my family.

Kathy, the sister that gives the best guilt trips, has decided that I need to crawl out of my hole and come see her.
My hair follicles tingle with the thought of going up and seeing her.

Alrighty then. That’s all I gots.

Did you play?

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26
Jul
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety, journey


I AM ACCOUNTABLE FOR MY OWN LIFE.

Yep. Taking a new stance on stuff. This stuff that is going on in my life that I am battling with that I can’t talk about in this forum, is being handled with a new outlook.

I AM ACCOUNTABLE. For everything. For the failures and the accomplishments.

I AM ACCOUNTABLE. For my feelings of sadness, or happiness, or frustration. They are mine and I am accountable for them.

I’m not going to let anxiety, frustration, panic, regret, guilt, anger, sadness, remorse and did I mention GUILT? yes, I did. I’m not letting that run my life anymore.

I want to be happy. I want to laugh from my soul and my core and not just say, “how funny” and not have any emotion attached to it.

Hey, internet, guess what? My life is so fucked up right now. Imagine what you think you see of my life, and now toss it over on the side. That’s me. That’s MY responsibility, not my FAULT, my responsibility to fix it.

I need to fix it and I will keep you all updated on how it’s going. Anyone want to jump on the ‘I’M ACCOUNTABLE’ train with me?

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24
Jul
I knew it would happen sooner than later.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety


I’ve cracked.
Seriously. I’m done.

“God will never give you any more than you can handle” “Everything happens for a reason” BLAH BLAH BLAH — BLAH BLAH.

I feel like slipping into a coma for the next few years so everything and everyone can figure out what the hell they are going to do.
I want to wake up from this coma and shit to be better and different and NOT ON MY DAMN SHOULDERS.

I’m skipping Dr. Lousy tonight. There is NO WAY IN HELL I can make it to that class and not want to rip out his throat.

I’m at that point where I just want to say, “Fuck it, I have an ‘acute panic and anxiety disorder’. BIG FUCKING DEAL. LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT.”
Fix it? THERE IS NO FIX IT. It’s a “DEAL WITH IT” syndrome.
Trust me, with alllllllll the shit that is going on in my life right now, there is NO WAY that BREATHING and talking myself out of it is going to make it better.

I’m just done. For awhile. I’m just going to go into fetal position under the covers and hope to God that no one decides they need to ‘fix me’ or ‘get me out of the house’ because I swear I will beat the living hell out of them with bottles of Febreze.

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24
Jul
See? i have fun, sometimes…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: friends


Cita and I took the kids to the giant cement slides.

In order to use the slides you need cardboard and wax paper. The wax paper make the cement and cardboard slick. The more you weigh…the faster you slide.

I started in Roseville and ended up somewhere in Oregon.


SPF: Rainbow (in this day and age, it shouldn’t be hard to find one…or make one)

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23
Jul
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

This summer has been crappy.  I haven’t really got to do anything with the kids. Not really traveled anywhere worth mentioning.  Haven’t taken many pictures outside of the kids, weddings and babies.

*inserting finger into mouth doing the ‘gagging’ motion*

I know the rules of blogging. No one wants to know what you had for lunch and no one cares what you had a dream about.
*rolling eyes*
Sorry, I have to. That’s all I have right now.  Everyday is one day after the other waiting for something BIG to happen.
The most exciting thing so far is finding out that my son gets out of school at 1pm and that means, I GET TO GO BACK TO WORK!  I’m really excited about it.  No clue what I want to do. Something where I’m not in charge of anything would be good. I’m usually always the ‘boss’ or ‘owner’ of the business. It would be nice to turn it off at 5pm and not worry about the outcome of tomorrow’s work.

So, I had a dream the other night. Actually had a few.  The first one was Dan coming over and asking if I wanted to go scuba diving with him. I was all excited and went and grabbed all my gear.  Through the power of dreams we were in Maui diving off a friend’s boat. When I hit the water and started my decent, I remembered that I hadn’t serviced my dive gear. I was down about 30 feet when I realized that my dive buddy didn’t turn on my air tank.
I’ve been blessed with the ability to snap out of a bad dream. I’m certain it comes from all the years of nightmares I have had.
The next dream I was standing on the ledge of a bridge with a bungie jumping equipment attached to me.  The guy asked me if I liked to jump, I told him that I didn’t, “It’s just to see what it’s going to feel like when I jump off without the rope.”

I’m not certain I know what any of it means. I don’t really care. I  guess I just felt the need to document it.

And a happy Monday to you.

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21
Jul
The most Randomest Video EVER
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
This might be the greatest thing ever….certainly odd. Gotta love the Phillipines Prison system…..

 CLICK HERE

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20
Jul
SPF: Your Silverware Drawer…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: stuff portrait friday


Okay (I know that is not the correct spelling. One of the joys of reading Random and Odd)
Okay, so I grabbed the camera at, oh…midnight, just remembering that it was Thursday and I better have SPF done before Friday morning or I would get my arse kicked by a bunch of SPFers.

Now, I had my macro lens on my camera and was too lazy to find another lens. Admittedly, my silverware drawer is SO wrong. I have stepped back and looked at the contents of my drawer until tonight. EWWW. So gross. I’m going out to buy some new stuff ASAP.

a burnt wooden spoon
a rusty, yes, RUSTY spatula
a broken steamer
parts of tupperware stuff I don’t own.
old cheez-its.
melted plastic ladleDID YOU PLAY???
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18
Jul
I think Dr. Lousy hates me…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety, friends

Click HERE to find out your SPF ASSIGNMENT

Today was the second class of six that I have to take.

I brought my books and read while waiting for the class to start. I decided before I went in that I was going to go into this open minded because in order to get through it, I would have to GET THROUGH IT. As a matter of fact that whole breathing thing seems to be working for me.
I mentioned that I downloaded some ‘meditation/hypnosis/earthy/bamboo-loving’ music and have been putting on the mask that my Most Awesomest Friend, Kristie, Who Is Awesome For More Than The Fact That Her Name Starts With a K, bought me. I have been breathing and falling asleep without the TV on.

ANNNNNNNNNNNND, I would like to also like to point out how serious I am taking this; I deleted ALL of my Forensic Files, Physic Detective, 48 Hour Mystery, Cold Case Files, and The Investigators from my Tivo and took them off my record list.
Yeah, I am one serious hombre about getting through this anxiety and off the damn medication.

Where was I? Oh yeah, The doctor hates me.

So I’m sitting there and everyone is all talking about how they were having anxiety and thought they were going to die. These people are here because they have the same problems I do. They are awaken in the middle of the night certain that a meteor has fallen on their homes and everyone is going to die in a burning like fashion. They believe that every store is a mad gun man running around going to jump out and shoot them. They think that if they don’t know the description of the faces of everyone in the restaurant they are dining in and what articles of clothing they have on that when one of them bursts out and bombs the place the police are going to need a damn good description.
–alright, maybe I was the only one in the class that has those thoughts…but ultimately the end result is they feel like they are going to die or at least kill themselves if they don’t stop feeling the way they do.

During a lull in the talking I had asked the class who was all on medication for their anxiety? Half the class of about 20 people raised their hands. I asked them if they had the same situation I had when I still have full blown anxiety attacks, just can’t feel them. I went on to describe that at the end of the day I was still PHYSICALLY hurting from it, but couldn’t really feel them, but they were there.
Everyone seemed a little confused by what I was saying, but the ones that weren’t on medication said, “YOU DIDN’T FEEL A PANIC ATTACK!??” as if I had the directions to the pool of eternal life. “You can ‘feel’ it, but you don’t ‘experience’ it.”

Dr. Lousy angrily asked, “So what are you trying to tell the people here in this class?”
I said, “I wasn’t TELLING anyone anything, I was wondering if anyone had the same experience I had so I would know I’m alone in all of it.”
He says, in front of the whole class, “Kristine, I have told you before that you are a very special case of anxiety and panic disorder.”
Oh yeah, I forgot…I’m the TOP FIVE PERCENTILE! How does one forget a comment like that? My case is CLEARLY out of his realm of understanding, yet I have to sit in this class and do these exercises as if I am only in the lower 5 percent.

He pulled out little coffee stirrers and asked us all to breath through them to ‘engage in an anxiety attack’. I declined. He looked at me and said, “Kristine, please participate.” I looked at him and said, “Nope. Sorry. I’m not comfortable participating in this.” and then at the end of the exercise he made a point of saying…”See now that wasn’t so bad, and for those of you that didn’t try it, well we know you have more issues to work through.”

Later in the class he trivialized the ‘disorder’ we have. He said, “Now with cancer patients people understand that you’re going through and can sympathize with them. People with panic and anxiety have over dramatize their situation for people to understand them and get sympathy…this just aggravates the system into believing what you have is more than it really is. As you explain to people what you are feeling, you’re building up the reality of what you have. You have to tell people to get that sympathy.”
I, now truly pissed off, said, “Actually no one knew I suffered from anxiety for MANY years. In fact it’s only been in the last couple of years that I have felt comfortable sharing it with people. I have spent many years HIDING the fact that I have anxiety. The straw exercise goes against everything I have been doing to try to over come my anxiety.” He glared and some other participants in the class agreed with me about not letting people know that they have what they have in fear of feeling like 1.) an idiot 2.) weak 3.) crazy 4.) hypochondriac 5.) people not getting it.

As the class was ending he had us do deep breathing and tensing and relaxing of muscles. Our eyes were to be shut while doing these exercises. I tried, I really did, but I am one of those people that fear that someone is going to come into a room while I am not prepared to ‘fight or flight’ and be taken by surprise. I must always be alert.
I did close my eyes for awhile and my eyelids were twitching too hard and I wasn’t relaxing so I sort of glanced over at Dr. Lousy. On his lap is a folder with what he was READING to us.
Now, to my knowledge, he has been teaching this class for quite some time. Once a week, month after month, year after year. Do you think he wouldn’t really need a book to tell him what he is needing to tell us to relax?

I am convinced he hates me. He knows I belong in a class that is being taught by someone that has some sort of electricity attached to our chairs and a morphine drip. He knows that I know he’s never had an anxiety attack.
‘Cita pointed out when I told her that he tried to induce a panic attack in class to help us ‘breath’ through it; “That’s like onsetting labor in a Lamaze class to teach you how to get through it. You don’t need to have a baby just to show you how to breath through it.”

Good point. I checked the books…I’m just going to sign up for Lamaze classes.

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16
Jul
working/not working
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out. — Steven Wright

In order to be able to advance to the next level of crazy, I have to take the classes, which are taught by Dr. Lousy. I FINALLY went out and got the book about ‘managing stress and anxiety’. After the second chapter I realized that this is the book that Dr. Lousy bought to base his expertise on. It was all about IBS. I guess that everyone that has anxiety and panic attacks have no control over their poop. Perhaps I am the exception, I wouldn’t go as far as saying I am the poop-master…but I can control my shit.

Days before I got the book, I started reading a book I started to read a million years ago and then forgot to finish it. It’s called, “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker.
I’m slamming through this book because I can so relate to what he’s talking about. It’s that instinct of fear that we are all gifted with and how we suppress that instinct in order to not seem ‘rude’.
Now, for me, I have an abundance of this ‘gift’ because I have fear ALL.THE.TIME. So, as I am reading this book, I’m realizing how far my ‘fight or flight’ response is on 24/7 and it doesn’t ALWAYS have to be on. You have to be aware and listen to your body when it is telling you something though. That is what will save our lives.

I picked up this new book that Dr. Lousy requires us to have for the class. It is telling me the exact opposite. I need to shut down those instincts and fears. I need to tell myself that the guy that is wearing the heavy coat in the middle of summer isn’t packing a huge shot gun under that thing. I need to think that everything is going to be A-OK. Honkey-Dorey.

Part of the ‘homework’ is writing down the anxiety you experienced and at the end of the chapter are questions about the chapter. They are true or false. I’m either right or wrong. Test anxiety…here I come.

How do you fail an anxiety attack class? I’m sure I will find out.

Probably reading “The Gift of Fear” in the waiting room filled with other people with anxiety and panic will seriously get me crazy-people detention.

Ohhhhh yea. I am such a rebel.

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16
Jul
The CD post
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: friends, Random
Now, the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art. Many do’s and don’ts. First of all you’re using someone else’s poetry to express how you feel. This is a delicate thing.
The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don’t wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. –High Fidelity

I’ve been leading up to the great post on all the CD’s I got in a request to the internet to make me a mixed CD of your favorite music.
I had NO idea the overwhelming response I got. I have more CDs than any human should ever own…illegally.

Most of you made more than one CD and I can’t believe the work, time and effort put into what you made for me. I was taken back by all the love you put in them.

I have a couple that if I could make last forever I would. Carrie made a CD that had music that they play on this thing I have in my car…it’s called a ‘radio’, but seeing that I am never allowed to listen to that ‘radio’ part of the device because of 5 children insisting that they want to listen to THEIR CDs, I wouldn’t know anything outside of the crap my children subject me too.

BigHeavy sent me a CD. You never know what to expect when you ask the internet to send you music and after awhile you sort of get a ‘feeling’ for what you THINK you might get. I was off on his CD. He went all nuts with 90′s grooving tunes and then some other crazy stuff.

Needless to say I am STILL working on getting through all the CDs. I put a radio in my new backyard haven and I listen to a new one every couple of nights. Sometimes I look at the CD player in complete confusion and sometimes I am scrambling to find the case to see what the song is because I have a new favorite song I must listen to a million times over.

For me to write down all the CD’s I got from the people would take way more brain power than I posses at any given moment.
I do LOVE each and every one of them. LOVE them.

During a search for my medication to I found an envelope of random pictures (yes, I lose my medication in the most random of places) and in the pictures I found a mixed CD that my ex-boyfriend made me. Portishead and U2. After we broke up we had to do that awkward ‘CD collection’ hand over. I kept all the ones he made me, because he was a DJ and honestly could mix a CD that would make you weep.

I put in the CD to see if it would bring me back. It didn’t though. Time is fading all the memories we shared and even a mixed CD couldn’t bring it back. I’m grateful for that.

Now, I would REALLY like for everyone that made me a CD, PLEASE come forward and leave me a comment so I can get your addresses again and mail you a CD I am going to throw my whole heart into. In fact, if you just want a CD by Random and Odd, comment and I will email you for your addresses.

No worries about me stalking you if I get your information. I am FAR too lazy to stalk anyone. I can barely remember to call my mom and sister back; stalking is REALLY out of the picture…unless you make me cookies. Consideration of stalking can be reconsidered.

Thanks everyone for hanging on here with me. I’m REALLY battling a hard spot in my life. My doctor gave me a sheet to record my panic attacks.
ONE sheet made it through a few hours.

Oh, and an update on Dr. Lousy…I asked to see a shrink. I am requesting a new doctor. He just doesn’t get me.

Who the hell does?



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14
Jul
Every fiber in my being is wore the hell out.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


I’m not old. I know I’m all braggin’ about having me TWO grand babies and how grandma’s have super powers.  Hooooly Sheet, I take that back. I take it ALL back.

Shaun had Pappy duty last night because I was the designated driver (show me some love) for Jennifer (my step-step daughter) her mom, Tabitha (we remember Tabitha right?) and Tabitha’s sister, Heather.  We decided to party on the go. We hit 5 bars in 5 hours. Now, finding a bar in the yup ass town I live in was quite a job.  Jen mentioned wanting to dance and I remembered this awesome dance club I use to go to when I remembered how to dance.  Pulling into the parking lot of a closed down night club was the height of my ‘oh shit, I AM OLD’ stage.
“I swear this place was open! I mean…I was here on New Years when it turned 1999!”  And that was it. That was the last time I had been ‘clubbing’.  1999.

After returning home to Jeremiah and Ariana curled up on the bed with Shaun, which by the way is the image I will have in my head as one of the top ten moments of realizing how much I truly love the man I married, I was introduced back into the world of taking care of two ‘babies’.  They are nearly the exact same age as Shea and Alyx were together as babies.  I looked at Jeremiah and thought of Alyx. I remembered how much guilt I had that i was robbing her of not getting to be the ‘baby’.  I looked at Ariana and thought of how Shea was just that tiny and now…she wants to be Hannah Montana.
THEN, after a enormous attempt of trying to get comfortable on my bed with TWO bed hogs and a sleeping baby on my chest, I decided to sleep on the floor.  It took me about a half hour of sleeping on the floor with a baby on my chest to realize that I am too old for that. I moved to the chair and tried to sleep there, with a baby on my chest.

At 7:00 AM, Tabitha came to claim her little man.

At 8:30 AM, I finally caved in and had to wake up Jennifer to have her take her so I could sleep.

I looked at Shaun and said, “How the hell did I do it?  How did I have two babies back to back like that and be able to take care of them without killing myself?”

Then I remembered, ‘Oh yea, I lost my mind.’

I do believe that God put the babies in my path this weekend. It was to remind me how strong of a woman I am. I do have limits. I do not have super Grandma powers.  I need to set limits to what I can and I can not do without help, sleep, and more water.  He also allowed me to see in pictures from Jennifer’s 21′st birthday that I look HORRIBLE when I let my hair go this long without getting it done.

Now, it’s almost midnight and I have to read up on L-CHAD because Ariana’s test results came back positive. Please pray for her, for Jennifer and for her husband who is stationed in Korea.

Have a great weekend everyone.  Friendly advice; DO NOT try staying awake for 24 solid hours to prove you’re superhuman.

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13
Jul
SPF: spf— How you protect yourself..
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: stuff portrait friday
DUDE!

I downloaded some yoga meditation music last night around ten and I FELL ASLEEP! I totally forgot about SPF. I WAS SLEEPING!!
I will upload a picture after I get back from Dr. Lousy today. GOOOOO CRAZY PEOPLE!!

I slept…DID YOU PLAY?

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12
Jul
My Mail Sucks. End of Story.
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety, Letters, Random


I’ve been trying to send out mail for the past few days. I’m not the best ‘caller-backer’ and my friend, ‘Cita has dubbed me the ‘worst person in the whole world to get a hold of and I never, ever call back’.
In fact, if I say, “I’ll call you back.” You can actually hear her snort all the way into other galaxies.

I try to be fairly good with emails though. I do. Honestly. Sometimes I don’t respond on my blog, but I will send private messages to people thanking them for the kind words or screeching at them for calling me a variety of obnoxious names.
Yes, I have resorted to responding to hate mail. I always said I wouldn’t do it, but damn it…if I can’t beat my children then I am going to have to take it out on someone.

So, sitting in my inbox:

Sharkey: Why can’t you favorite my pictures on Flickr?
Odd Mix: I live about 2 hours from SF, but would love to meet you.
Shaun: Guess what? I think it’s time to seriously looking into a padded room for me. I’m not doing good. I’m not doing so good that I can’t even feel how bad I am doing. That is pretty bad.
Dr. Lousy: I will be there Friday with bells on. Trust me, we have some things to work out and the topic of IBS is not going to be one. I have gone from anxiety and panic to straight paranoia. I’m pretty certain that my windshield is going to crack wide open and I’m going to be covered in shattered glass (thanks Kath for that little bit of paranoia.), I’m going to be pulled over for my tags being expired. OH, and the bank is going to come repo my house. If you tell me to pay my bills I am going to shove both of my hands down your throat and rip out everything I can grip onto…because YOU STATE THE OBVIOUS TOO OFTEN! DUH.

Okay, so that is about all the emails I have waiting to be sent out that for some evil reason they are not going out.

Can you tell I have reached a whole new level of crazy?

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11
Jul
Bed Hog
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety, photography, Shaun


This is by far my favoritest picture Shaun has ever taken.

I like this picture because it reminds me so much of Shaun. Right now, he’s laying in the middle of the bed trying to look all cuddled up, and he’s not, he’s IN THE MIDDLE of the bed.
I swear, if I didn’t know any better, Jeremiah is his son. I swear they have all the same facial gestures…like when Shaun doesn’t get his way he scrunches up his face and throws himself to the floor just like Jeremiah. The lips. I swear they have the same lips.
They both cry if you try to take the remote away.
Baseball seems to be the only channel that can be playing on tv unless it’s Backyardagans.
They both call each other “Buddy”
And oddly enough, they can’t decide if they want to be up or down. *Shrug* I don’t know what that is all about.

Tabitha moved out this weekend and at 1 am I walked into my kitchen and loudly banged the ice tray on the counter…just because I could.
It’s strange not having them around anymore, but I know it was so for the best. She kept asking questions about where I buried all the bodies in the back yard. Me thinks she was hoping there was a soft plot of land under the tree to shove me in. Just speculation though. For the record, that spot is saved for a special neighbor.

My body had decided to just shut down completely. I’m an internal stresser. If i’m stressing you don’t know unless you happen to be standing near me while I pulling clumps of hair out of my head. I have spent the last two days in bed trying without success to get past this anxiety. I had to leave the house to feed my ex-husband’s fish. The fear of the girls going over there and seeing them floating on top of the tank made my guilt over-ride my anxiety. It just happened to be the day they were tearing up the road and I had to be detoured.
Detour to me is like asking me to go to the store and buy and kumquat. “ah-wha?” as the orange flanked man pointed to another road I could take. I tried to convince him that I could see the house from right there. I guess if you wear orange and have orange cones, you are the road God. I didn’t have my “Because I’m A Grandma” license plate cover on, so he outranked me.
I drove around in circles and couldn’t figure out where I was so I ended up following the tore up road until something looked familiar. The guys in the dump trucks thought I was nuts and kind of pointed on how to get the hell off their road and I just smiled like a moron and waved. I ended up finding his house and in order to get into his drive way I would have had to put on my off roading tires. Seeing that my mini-van didn’t come with those, I swear as God is my witness, I parked on the lawn of his neighbors house! You might be a red neck IF.

It’s almost 3 am and I can’t get to sleep. It doesn’t matter if I take a handful of pills, the anxiety is winning tonight. In round one, I was doing pretty good. Then round two he got my ace in double war and I was forced to take another pill. Now I’m trying to trump anxiety with staring at a blank screen and willing my hair to NOT FALL OUT. So far, we are at a stand still. I am still awake, but the hair feels like it’s holding on.

Shaun of course looks like he’s in sleeping heaven. I swear if I didn’t watch so many forensic files and cold case files, I would smother him with the pillow.

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28
Jun
SPF: Whatever you call it…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: stuff portrait friday


I’m afraid to even ask: WHO PLAYED?



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28
Jun
why?
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Why do I always pull my pant legs up to my knees every time I sit down to go pee?

Could it be the years growing up in the woods?

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27
Jun
It’s 5:00 somewhere…
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random


It’s  hard to believe that this time last year I was finishing up the loose ends of getting married.

I wouldn’t have ever guessed that a year ago that my life would be where it is now. Things have twisted and turned into directions that only God could control.

I’m tempted to try to crawl into my wedding dress to see if I have gained or lost weight in this year. I can never tell. I don’t have a body image disorder (one of the things I DON’T have) but I either see myself MUCH larger than I really am or smaller than I am.
There have been times when I get out of the car in ‘Cita’s garage and no matter how many times I do it, I get stuck between her front bumper and the wall.  Other times I will give myself a wide berth thinking there is no way I could make it through something.
My favorite phrase when crossing the street and a car is coming is, “Better let me cross, you don’t have enough gas to go around OR over me.”

I’m highly medicated at this moment so just try to roll with where I am going with this…oh wait, I have no point to writing except to write because if I don’t, I will go to sleep and I will dream that the neighbor has goats that I try to steal.

Where was I? Oh yeah…I was getting married this time last year.
I wanted to thank everyone AGAIN for all the gifts, well wishes, emails and support you handed out.  You’re all awesome.
Oh, that reminds me…I still have to write a post about the awesome CDs I got.  So cool. It’s going to be a good post.
So yeah…married last year.
I was going somewhere  with this.

fuck it. I forget.

On to the goats.

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26
Jun
spf from a woman with the stomach flu
Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Anxiety, journey, stuff portrait friday
Last week, I decided I needed to lose my mind and give away my bedroom furniture.
This week was going to be spent doing all the fun shopping that people do when they decide to change a room. Seeing that we were wondering if the neighbors would notice if we stole their dog food, buying anything decorative was totally out of the picture.

Since I have no where to put my clothes, I decided to clean out the closet. Again. For the 15th time this month. I keep running across things I packed away. I have more wires, chargers and usb cables than any woman should own. None of which attach to a device that will cause bodily convulsions. Yes, I am that geeky. Among the piles of stuff I have are multiple clay ashtrays, figurines of clay unicorns (?), clumps of clay that look like…well, you know. I can’t get rid of this stuff because my mother, The Fonz, kept all the crap us 5 children made her. All I can hope is that when I move in with Kara that she will take it on herself to make me finally throw away the homemade gifts.

I also have several hundred pictures and poems that sit in a folder in my closet. Ah, you have them too? Good.

What the hell am I sposta do with all this stuff for the next 35 years?

I know, lets take pictures of it and post it on the internet and see who is suffering the most.

SPF: Show me your favoritest ugly creation that was made just for you.

For those of you that don’t have nieces, nephews, children, teenagers…*cough* bitch *cough* and have nothing to post, show me your ass. Yes, you heard me right. Your ass. Pull em down and take a picture for us. Oh wait, you suddenly remember a knick nack or crazy picture a kid drew you. Thaaaats what I though.

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